"Interview/Kidnapping, Baby" by Laia233
You are in your bed, reading this when you hear a strange noise. It's eerily like.. shuffling.
Suddenly, something curls around your waist and drags you backwards. You don't have the time to scream before it has smashed you against the wall, there's a tickling sensation and you go through it.
You find yourself in a strange studio filled with computers, screens and gadgets. Plants too. There's a pine-tree in the middle of the room and quills growing out of its branches. Words keep writing themselves on its bark. The label placed on its roots says: Readers Thoughts.
Gasping, you turn around to face your kidnapper only to find a giant semicolon melting through the pastel pink wall. It tilts its dot at you in greetings before it disappears completely.
Oh my God, what the heck did I smoke, one of your personalities thinks.
You hear a cackling only a Wicked witch would make and whirl around to find a strange, deranged-looking woman sitting on a chair in front of one of the giant screens placed on the pink walls.
She's in Bugs Bunny PJ's and her hair is up in a messy bun. Unfinished manuscripts are loitered all over her desk – and merch mugs filled with either coffee or tea. "Author" is tattooed on her forehead, perhaps for the convenience of the true one. Pizza sauce is smeared on her chin, you notice with a hint of disgust.
She offers a welcoming smile and gets up, leading you to a giant computer in the corner. You are largely disturbed by what is displayed in it.
A room full of people staring at their phones, reading. They don't seem to be aware of what's happening around them. Most of them have one hand stuck in a jar of Nutella or some other unhealthy food. The thing is: They are merely projections. Their actual surroundings — bedroom, bus, shower — are semi-transparent.
"What is this?" you ask, lower lip trembling. Another personality of yours demands to be let free.
The Author smirks. "My readers," she says and before you can scream, she pushes you in the screen.
You are reading again.
***
Good evening, everyone! This your host Laia DJ, author of Zora: The Veil, and we will be interviewing two very dangerous bitches! Feel free to send in questions, we will be forcing them to answer!
And this is my bodyguard, Anne.
"Nothing lasts forever."
(Excuse me?! Anne?! Anne, where are you going--)
You are all here to see a fantastical thing take place. No, it's not Rhysand in his underwear Becky — or maybe MB —, don't be gross! *winks* (Soon... *whisper*s)
(Spoilers will be minor to none, nothing you wouldn't find out in the blurb or a few chapters in.)
Let's all give a round of applause to...
The cold, kickass bitch who probably accidently send you a nightmare during her training, Emily Zora Erin Salem! (Except you know... She isn't green.)
The other, cold, kick ass, assassin bitch, Nicky!
And the crow that didn't steal all our hearts, but certainly our wallets, Rick!
*credits roll*
The studio is not in any way responsible for any objects or fingers stolen during this interview.
"Welcome!"
We are in a dimly lit basements with aromatic bags hanging from the ceiling to overcome the murky odour. The two girls are tied on their chairs for safety reasons.
Emily blinks, staring at her handcuffs. Her head snaps towards the computer screen in front of her. "What the hell?"
Rick – who is perched on Em's shoulder – shifts. His bleak eyes narrow. (A vision of him gauging the eyes of Crew Guy 7 enters my head, and I check if the bulletproof glass in front of them is enabled. It is.)
Nicky remains silent, glaring at the screen.
"Is it true that you hide your weapons in your underwear?"
Silence.
"You are interrogating us again?" Emily asks through clenched teeth.
"Character profiles are necessary Z, don't be selfish."
"Psycho," Nicky murmurs.
"Now, get comfortable 'cause this is gonna take a while. Sweethearts, my innocent children, Laia's creations, bubblebees, bumblebees or some other embarrassing nickname tell us about those knife hiding spots. After all, it's something every girl needs to know."
Emily shares an indifferent glance with Nicky. The latter sighs, crossing her legs as she twirls a dagger between her fingers.
"Hey, how did you--"
"I hid it in my boot."
"But I thought we searched you?" I send a sharp glare to the crew. They share panic looks and I'm about to pull the Lever when--
"Underneath the sole."
"Isn't that a bit uncomfortable? And dangerous?"
She shrugs.
I cross my legs. "And where else can you hide them?"
"Well, the bra and panties – yes, panties – are two classic spots but make sure the knife is shielded. Wouldn't want to lose a nipple or you know... pricking your frilly wallet." – I make a choking sound – "You could also..."
Blah blah blah...
"...I know a guy that can pierce the hilt of your dagger and other places"—I start coughing—"if you can't yourself for some reason. Etcetera."
"Aha. We will keep that in mind," I clear my throat, awkward.
A few moments go past.
"You are a disgrace to humans which is really saying something. Did you even rehearse this?" she says, wrinkling her nose.
"Yeah, can't really disagree with that." Emily smirks at me lazily.
Nicky rolls her eyes. "Shut up. You were only a human, like, three chapters ago."
"Six," I correct.
"Technically, I was never a human."
"Whatever."
I sigh. Be an author they said. It will be nice, they said. "What is your opinion on love?"
Nicky deadpans. "What do you think of the universe."
"It's an endless black hole of destruction, lost dreams, caffeine and death."
She scoffs. The camera zooms in her face, and Emily's bored one can be seen in the background as she checks her nails.
I swirl my red, manicured nail in the air, and a livestream of Nicky's thoughts plays on the screen.
What a weirdo.
I roll my eyes, and with another wave of my hand, I literally suck the answer out of her.
Love is possible, I guess. But rare so cherish it if you are lucky enough to get it.
Oh my. That turned out way more darker than I thought. I wonder who would be cruel enough to give her a backstory heavy enough to cause that sort of thinking.
*evil cackle*
"Emily, Z, whatever, what is your opinion on love?" A microphone appears out of nowhere and presses on her cheek. She grimaces and pushes it away.
"I think it's plausible under the right or very wrong in some cases, circumstances."
"Could you elaborate on that?"
"No."
"Oh." I clear my throat and turns towards the crow. He tilts his head. "What about you Rick?"
He shows me his back and nibble on the threads of Em's jacket. His claws seem sharper than usual.
Rude.
"Okayyy, so what can you guys tell us about the Dreamworld?"
Nicky's face is rid of emotion. "Nothing."
Emily gifts me with an ever colder look, smiling—guess what—coldly. "You will have to find out yourselves."
Rick gives me the stink eye.
"And how are exactly supposed to do that? Do we fill out a form or what?"
Emily smirks. "Well, if you are lucky enough, you could get physically and psychologically mauled by a Dreamcrawler. That definitely worked for me."
"Or." Nicky smiles. It's unsettling.
"Jeez, I think we will pass."
''Thought so,'' the camera man mumbles. Sweat shines on his bald forehead and his potbelly peaks through his tank top. Glaring at him, I wave a hand and a giant scarf has wrapped itself around his body and more specifically stomach. And neck. Neck too. ''Spare me the sight.''
I smirk at the girls and strengthen the force field. ''So''—the cameraman choking can be heard; I shush him—''How are things between you and your parents?''
Their faces become even colder if that's humanly possible. Nicky chuckles bitterly. It's a dark, scary sound. ''Dainty. Just dainty.''
Emily rolls her eyes, averting her gaze indifferently, ''Wonderful.''
I don't press any further.
I smile kindly: ''So tell us about killing.''
Their heads whip so fast towards me that I think I heard a crack. ''What?''
''I thought I should say something to cheer you up. The mention of something you love doing can bring back pleasant memories.''
Emily gapes at me. ''I don't--''
''That's not something a normal person would say.'' Nicky the Magical Assassin raises an eyebrow at me.
''We are all mad here.''
Emily's lips press together. ''Well, you surely are--'
''All the best people are.''
Nicky raises an eyebrow– again. ''Seriously? Quoting Alice in Wonderland? Now?''
I beam, giddy. The realisation of what she said downs on hair, her eyes widen and she opens her mouth to protest-- ''You have seen the movie!''
''Whatever.''
''I'm never going to stop teasing you about this! Big badass snob my ass!''
''a) Just a movie and b) I'm fictional.''
''Whatever.''
Emily sputters. ''You're what!''
I pull a Deadpool and turns towards the camera on my right–my good angle: ''Oh, I didn't see you there. Hello, lovelies." Isn't she lovely starts playing. ''Currently, one of our guests is having an existential crisis'' — ''I'M NOT A GUEST YOU FREAKING KIDNAPPED US YOU PSYCHO!'' —''but we will be back after a short break.''
I smile, screams are heard as the magic barrier breaks, and the screen goes blank.
***
There's a sharp, static sound and we are back in the studio again.
I suck my milkshake obnoxiously and my eyes widen when I realize that we are live. I jump up and smile nervously, coughing as scripts scatter around me. ''Welcome back, everyone! Things are rather calm now so no need to be scared.'' *extra nervous laugh*
I'm lying of course. We have two outlaws in here, three if we include the crow. That crew guy is getting stitches. Plus, I have already had five staff members complain about missing objects. Preferably the shiny ones.
The girls grumble.
''So, ladies... Tell us about a recent happy memory of yours!''
Nicky gnaws on her already split lip. ''Well, I was torturing this guy—don't worry he was a bad guy so it's fine—and he wouldn't tell me the information I was paid to receive so I finally got to use the Stretcher''—Emily's expression grows more and more disturbed by the second—''which is basically a device you use to stretch someone's--''
''Alright, that's enough! Emily, why don't you tell us about the difficulties of raising a child.''
...
''I don't have a child...?''
''Uh, right, sorry. I meant crow.''
''It's pretty easy since I don't actually raise him. He's independent, more like a loyal companion that steals from you.''
Rick crows in agreement.
''Alright, next question!''
''Nope. We have had enough of you.'' Emily gets up and moves towards the crew. We panic and a few guys jump out of the window.
"Don't forget to check out our story! Or we will pay a visit!" Nicky yells and somehow she doesn't sound friendly. She waves her axe at us in goodbye.
What the... How did she even get that in here?!
The last thing you see is Emily's fist going through the camera and everything goes black.
No crows were harmed during filming.
***
Fun Bloopers
0.1
"NICKY NO DON--"
She laughs and stabs Crew Guy 6. "BUAHAHAHA OOPS!"
0.2
Emily gives the audience a sugary smile and slowly raises her middle finger. "*beep, *beep* *beep*"
0.3
There's a black blur barrelling towards Crew Guy 7, a flash of claws, and a gurgled scream before the screen goes black.
Short Descriptions of Characters
Emily:
Nicky:
Rick:
(Did I make a meme just for this post. Yes. Yes, I did.)
Author:
(As in the funny, goofy, cool, forever-a-child Guardian's of the Galaxy character. *hair flip*)
ZORA Short Description:
Batshit crazy, mildly aggressive girl gets thrown into Nightmare-World that's called a Dreamworld when a demon that's not exactly a demon drags her and her baby sister in. Soon, she finds the darkness staring back.
...
ACOMAF anyone?
***
Thank you so much for reading! Remember to leave a comment here if you have any questions for any of my characters! They will all be here to answer them! Not so willingly. *nervous laughter* (Of course, I will be here too! ;))
I'm also participating in the giveaway! I will giving away a chapter dedication on 'Zora: The Veil' and shout out on all social media accounts (including Wattpad) to one lucky winner! :D
Toodles!
***
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