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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life-Naeem Callaway
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"You sure you'll be okay? I can go with you if you want."
I gave him a reassuring smile while glancing over at him. We were parked near Drew's house. The party seemed to be in full swing. The music was so loud we could practically hear every word in the song that was played. "No, that's okay. I'll be fine."
For a split moment awkward silence enveloped us.
"I had fun tonight."
I smiled. "Me too. Thanks for the food again."
He laughed. "Sure thing. Thanks for the company."
I didn't know what to do. Do I just open the door and go? Do I hug him? Do I kiss him? What do I do? This had been my first date for heaven's sake! Awkwardly, my hand reached for the door. I should cut this short, my friends needed me.
Just maybe though I didn't want to go. Just maybe I wanted to go back to cuddling against him on the bed of his truck, surrounded by fluffy pillows and cozy warmth. I tried not to sigh as I thought about Jack. He'd said it was urgent. If they were drunk out of their minds this would end worse than a fight sober.
"Liz, wait!" My arm was grabbed and he stirred me back to face him. "When will I see you again?"
Excitement bubbled up inside me, but unfortunately for me with the giddiness came the annoying presence of anxiety. This time it was more intense than I'd expected it to be.
"I... I don't know," I answered honestly. "I'll text you."
"Promise?" He asked. The look on his face was a delightful sight for my nervous heart. His expression was so boyishly cute that a smile tucked at my lips.
"I promise." I gave him one last smile before I turned to open the car door.
"Liz, one last thing."
I turned my head in his direction. I didn't get the chance to speak however, before he pressed his lips against my cheek in a gentle kiss.
I was flattered and utterly surprised by the time he pulled away. I managed a small smile before I exited his car for real this time. I embraced the cool night air as it chilled my flushed cheeks. He'd kissed me. He'd kissed my cheek! Did that mean he liked me? I had to get a grip on the beaming smile plastered on my face before going inside. Sam, actually liking me?!
Nope, I couldn't.
It was impossible to get rid off the shit eating grin on my face.
There was a couple rolling around on the front lawn furiously making out and there were some people mingling on the porch, but I paid them no mind as I made my way up to the front door. "Liz?" I was about to turn the doorknob when I heard my name.
I looked to my right to see one of my football players hanging with some friends. I waved at him. "Hey, Miles. I would love to chat, but I have to-" I broke off once I heard a loud commotion trickling through the music and entered Drew's house.
I was enveloped in sticky heat and the smell of cheap booze and smoke as I stepped into the house. As I fought my way through the throng of people my heartbeat picked up its speed. Damn it, where were they? Distantly, I heard shouting over the loud ass music, but I couldn't detect where exactly it came from. Frustrated, I was about to call Jack when I was grabbed around the waist.
"Hey, beautiful," someone slurred in my ear. "You want to have some fun?"
His foreign voice sent a icy shiver of fear down my back. I didn't turn to look who he was before I pushed out of his grip and mumbled a, "No thanks." I was breathless, my heart rate going a mile a minute, as I resumed my search for my friends. The uncomfortable encounter with the stranger caused my muscles to tense in fear. A ball of angst laid painfully heavy in the pit of my stomach as I finally broke through the crowd and arrived in the living room. It took me a minute to take in the scene laid out before me.
People had built a circle around the two, so they were on full display. They were basically in each others faces with Tony and Drake trying to hold them back. My other friends were standing close by ready to help. Jere and Ryan were yelling threats at each other and I noticed that someone had turned the music down a notch to fully witness their fight. Luckily though most of the people present were either too drunk or high to fully comprehend what was going on.
Jack was standing closest to me. I was just about to reach out and make myself present, but a arm was clamped around my middle and someone hauled me back into them. Fear shot through every fiber of my being so fast it left me dizzy. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and was painfully aware of it, thumping against my chest.
"Not so fast, sweetie. Don't think you can run from me." The blood in my veins froze over at his voice. It was his voice again. I still didn't know what he looked like since my back was pressed against his front, his uncomfortably hard front. For a moment, I was petrified, rooted in place before I fought against his grasp. Sadly, this only seemed to further excite him. "You wanna play, kitten?" He laughed and it made me sick.
"Jack!" I called out to my friend, still wriggling against his strong hold. Instead of catching only his attention though every one of my friends turned their head in my direction. The stranger holding me against his form was too intoxicated to notice much of anything. Tony and Drake released the two fighting parties and Jack took a step closer to me. I pushed at the stranger's hands, but he wouldn't budge.
"Hey, hands off my girl!" In one swift moment Ryan yanked me out of his grasp and behind his own form protectively. I didn't even have a chance to hush a look at my captor before Ryan punched him square in the jaw and he tumbled to the floor. Relief washed over my jumping heart as it slowly calmed its pace again. I was panting as Ryan turned around and gently grasped my shoulders. "You okay?" I noticed that he had a hard time not slurring his words as I nodded.
"She's not your girl!" I took a sideways step as Jere stormed over to Ryan. "She's our Liz before you came along and stole her, asshole!" He was poking his index finger against Ryan's chest.
The latter didn't stay relaxed either. "That is a fucking lie and you know it!"
I turned to Jack, standing beside me and mumbled, "Help me separate them." He nodded and gestured for Tony to come help us. I stepped in between the two and placed one of my hands against each of their chests as my other friends pulled at their shoulders. "Stop it, you two."
"He started!" Both of them said at the same time, pointing at each other. Were we in fucking kindergarten?
"Let's put them in a room," I said to Tony and Jack. Let's try not to cause more commotion than they had already done.
It took us some time before we finally found a vacant room and pushed them inside. My other friends left upon my request with the promise that they were waiting outside in case of emergency. I thanked them and closed the door, both boys now quiet. I was tired now that the adrenaline rush wore off. I placed my forehead against the door, back facing them.
It was all getting to me way too much. The coaching, the date, the incident with that drunken guy, their refusal to have a proper talk.
I sighed as I felt the familiar sting at the back of my eyes and the lump in my throat. I was not going to cry. But the moment I thought this was the moment I remembered something. "You are important, Liz. For this team and for your friends. They adore you and it wouldn't surprise me if the others will follow their lead soon and accept you as a friend."
"Earlier the coach asked me if I found a weakness in this team yet. And I did. And that's me."
Edwards' and my own words washed over me. If I was their weakness maybe, just maybe, I could make them talk after all. In fact, maybe tears weren't that bad an idea. If they loved me as much as I loved them it could actually help their case and make them talk for my sake.
So, instead of trying to get a grip I tried to cry my heart out to them. My shoulders visibly started to shake as I let the first tears fall.
"Bee?" I didn't answer.
"Liz?"
I still gave them no answer as they watched me silently cry. I heard the floorboards creak as they stepped closer.
"Why does everything have to be so complicated?"
"What do you mean?" Jere asked.
I sniffed. "I mean, why does the team hate me? I'm trying everything I can to get them to consider making amends with each other, but it doesn't work." My voice was thick and heavy. "Nothing works. Everything I do fails." I slowly turned around to face them, head down.
"Bee, it's not your fault."
"Yeah, we are all just bloody, stubborn, inconsiderate idiots."
P
"Come on," Ryan said softly, trying to reach out and embrace me, but I took a step back. His features saddened, hurt scribbled all over his expression.
"If you two really want to help me. If you want to make me feel better. Please just talk to each other. Can you please do that? For me? Can you finally talk things out?" I let out a quiet sob.
They looked at each other for a silent moment before they both nodded. "Okay, Liz, we'll talk."
"Thank you." I sniffed and wiped the tears away from my cheeks. "I'll be outside if you need me." I decided that them talking in private would probably be best and exited the room. The topic was too personal to let me listen in on their conversation.
"Hey, you okay?" Logan asked, on alert as he saw my tear stained cheeks. Drake, Tony, Liam and Jack came closer too as they saw me approaching.
"Yeah." I actually, genuinely, smiled at them. Because now I finally had the feeling that I was going to be okay. Actually succeeding for them to talk was a big achievement that pulled a part of the weight off my shoulders. It was easier to breathe as I leaned against the wall next to my best friend.
"You sure that leaving them alone is a good idea?" Drake asked doubtfully.
"Yep." I smiled. "They are talking."
"Really?!" Liam asked in surprise. "Wait, you mean actually talking with their mouths, right? Not letting their fists talk for them."
"Yes, really."
"Wow," Logan said. "How did you get them to talk?"
I laughed. "I'll only tell you, if you promise not to tell them that I kind of tricked them."
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Rage filtered through my alcohol induced state as I laid eyes on the scum forcefully holding her to him. Who the fuck did he think he was, laying hands on my Bee?! She looked utterly terrified as she tried to get away from him.
I was out of Drake's hold and in his face in one swift moment. "Hey, hands off my girl!" Everything in me was screaming at me to protect her. I couldn't let anything happen to her. I would never forgive myself. I ripped her out of his filthy hands and instinctively pushed her behind me before letting my fist connect with his face. Dull pain ran satisfyingly through my hand in mild gratification as the asshole landed on his ass, holding his jaw, a whimpering mess.
I suppressed the urge to grin, knowing that Bee wouldn't like that and turned around to face her. "You okay?" I let my eyes roam over her form to check for injuries after gently gripping her shoulders.
As I did so however I quickly forgot why I was drinking her in from head to toe as other thoughts occupied my brain. For instance that she looked absolutely beautiful, standing in front of me like that. Or how I wanted to kiss her perfect lips that were slightly agape as she stared at me in bewilderment. Or how I wanted to keep looking at her chest as it heaved up and down with her irregular breathing. Or how I wanted to grab her and pull her against me to breathe in her familiar scent.
I wanted to do all those things as she gave a small nod of her head, but alas stupid Jeremy tore the moment out of my grip as he came strolling over. He wanted another round he could get it!
Sadly, we were ripped apart and pushed into a empty room before I could lunge myself at him. I had a hard time focusing as Bee closed the door behind us and leaned against it. However, I came out of my stupor once I noticed her shoulders were shaking. Was she crying? My heart broke as she sniffed quietly. "Bee?" I called out, worry flooding my senses.
She stayed silent. Jeremy and I glanced at each other helplessly.
"Liz?"
Both of us stepped closer to her at the same time, wanting nothing more than to comfort her.
My heart skipped a beat when she spoke up in the insecure voice of hers. "Why does everything have to be so complicated?" Hell, if I knew.
"What do you mean?"
I felt guilty once she revealed that the team was stressing her out. I didn't exactly make it easier for her. But now that I knew how she felt I was going to do everything in my power to make her feel better. I was going to put an end to my childish behavior and make sure that my team mates were doing the same and let her help us. Stubborn, prideful idiots! I was aware that I was a damn hypocrite, thank you very much!
I felt defeated once I saw her tear stained cheeks, but I was utterly devastated once she didn't let me comfort her. And at the same time it felt like I deserved it for help causing her distress. "If you two really want to help me. If you want to make me feel better. Please just talk to each other. Can you please do that? For me?" I would do everything for you. "Can you finally talk things out?" She let out a quiet sob and my heart broke a little.
I had already made up my mind by the time the two of us shared a glance. Mutual understanding was exchanged between us and we both nodded.
She was seemingly relieved as she thanked us and wiped at her cheeks before leaving us alone. I wanted to punch myself for not being the one to wipe away her tears and comfort her.
It was silent between us for a long while and I didn't mind. I wasn't exactly thrilled to talk with him about our past.
He leaned the back of his head against the wall and sighed. "D'you remember when we were on that camping trip with our families?" He turned his head in my direction. "And you told me that you would never do anything to damage our friendship? You would die if that happens, was what you said. You wouldn't be able to go through your shit without me there." I nodded. "So, what changed?"
"Nothing," I drawled. I was starting to get tired from all the alcohol in my system and therefore it was getting harder to speak.
"Oh really? Because it looks like you did damage our friendship by sleeping with my former girlfriend and it looks like you are doing fine without me. So, what changed?!"
I shook my head. Not I was the one to sabotage our friendship. "It was Kim. You damn well knew it was Kim, but still you didn't believe one word I said. Were you so hurt at the revelation what bitch she was that you decided to hurt me in return? Were you really that blind Jeremy?"
"I wouldn't go that far, if I were you, Alexander. If she really is such a bitch why did you sleep with her?"
I stayed silent. He used my name. My real name. I could only hope that it didn't mean what I thought it meant. "Did you tell anyone? Did you tell her?" I needed to know if he told my Bee about my past.
Slowly, he shook his head. "Unlike you I'm not a backstabbing bitch."
I sighed in relief. "Why won't you believe me? I always thought I could count on you if things were getting out of hand. Bros before hoes, huh?"
"You really wanna know why? Fine! Because Kim was my everything! Not in the sense you might think. I didn't even love her for God's sake, but because she was the one listening, because she knew that you stealing her or any other girl away from me was my biggest fucking fear! You being the better one of us, the one more popular than me, the one who got all the girls and the right charm. The one who got everything-"
"I am the fucking one who has everything?!" I clenched my fists at my sides. My body was so filled to the brim with deep, hot rage that my vision got dark at the edges. "You fucking asshole, I lost my parents when I was six!" When I opened my mouth to continue something pierced my heart like a knife. I was left with a feeling as if something was missing. Like my heart was cut out from my chest. The pain didn't hit me full force though courtesy to the liquor running through my veins. "I grew up without them. But you, you got the perfect family with the most adorable little sister to ever walk this planet! You have lots and lots of real friends. You have girls that want to be with you. The only thing I have...
"I have a damaged family, a fucked up brain, girls that like the idea of me, of the fake me. Yes, I have a very good relationship with my uncle, my aunt and Sophie, but I will never have what you have. I will never have my parents back! I will never get the chance to talk to them again. I will never be able to hug them again. I will never be able to see them, or hear their voices again. But I will always, until the day I die, I will always miss them."
It was silent, only my heavy breathing was heard over the distant music. He slid down the wall with his head in his hands. "You will always play that card, won't you?"
I walked over to him and took a seat next to him. "I don't want to play that card, but sometimes I have to."
"Fine." He looked up again. "But that's not an excuse for everything."
"I know that and I'm not using it as an excuse for hurting other people, or for being who I am."
It was silent once more.
"My parents are never home. Mom is at the hospital and dad is wherever he is. The only thing constant I got his Hayley. And I love her to bits, but sometimes I miss my parents too."
It was my turn. "I'm jealous of you," I admitted. "I've always been kinda. But I'm definitely jealous of your friendship with Bee."
"I thought you are getting along fine. Aren't you friends now?"
I nodded my head, gazing at the wall on the other side of the room. "Yes, but I missed a few years."
"Sometimes I regret pushing you away."
"I regret sleeping with Kim."
His head jerked up. "You bastard!"
I held my hands up in surrender before he could punch me. "It was after you broke up, I promise. I was mad. At you. At Kim. And definitely at myself, because if I wouldn't be the person that I am you would have believed my word over hers." I'd been mad at myself for not being the right guy for Bee.
He considered this for a moment, his eyes narrowed at me. "Why should I believe you? Now that you admitted that you had sex with her, why should I not think she cheated on me with you?"
"Because you were my best friend and because I was considering to take a step in the right direction. Do you remember?"
"Liz."
"Yes, I wanted to win her heart then." Was I always that cheesy when I was drunk?
"So why didn't you? And why would you sleep with Kim if you were interested in Liz?" He asked in suspicion. It was his damn right.
"I overthought my plan, because of her, because of Bee. One day I walked into the cafeteria, determined to ask her out and then when I saw her I chickened out. She was sitting with you and then she laughed and I stopped dead in my tracks. And I realized that I wasn't worthy of someone so beautiful. Yet. I'd been thinking it before, but before that day I thought I had a chance and then I walked in and saw her and then I walked out again. I swore to myself to work on me, to become a better person and be worthy of her."
"You aren't worthy of her now either," Jeremy pointed out. "And you'll probably never be."
I nodded. "I know." But still I had to try. I had to try with every single fiber of my being, because I knew I needed her in my life.
"So, why did you sleep with Kim then?"
"Same reason why I've slept with all those other girls. I had to make it worse, I had to be worse in order for me to become good enough for her." It wasn't the sole reason, but it was the major role in my player ways. Being good enough for her had been my life goal ever since I can remember. Even when we were kids I'd had the feeling that I was behind her.
"So, when will you take another step in the right direction?"
I shrugged. "I don't quite know. Soon. But not too soon. Really, at the moment I'm just trying to be what she wants me to be to her and earn my right to call her mine in distant silence."
He debated something as he bit his lip. "Maybe you shouldn't give her as much time as you plan to give her."
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
"If you take too long, someone will steal her away before you take another step." I briefly wondered if that someone might be him.
"I don't wanna rush her into things. Especially, because she's coming to terms with my player ways and I bet it must be damn confusing to see different types of myself."
He clapped me on the shoulder. "I'm only going to say this, if someone can be with you, it's Liz. She's just the type for helpless guys like you."
I punched his shoulder and we laughed together.
"Seriously though why taking a step in the right direction now?"
I sighed and scratched my head. "Honestly, I don't even know. I'm just at the point of dying to try and get a chance with her, so much that I more or less had to accept the fact that she's too good for me and that I'll probably screw things up."
He nodded in understanding. "To tell you the truth, mate. I'll support everything that is okay for her. So, until she says no to you I will have your back." And as he said this I knew that we were okay again. And that made breathing a little easier. I slumped against the wall as a huge junk of weight was lifted off my chest. "But just so you know, if this ends badly between you two and I have to choose a side I'll choose Liz' side."
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Hey guys
It's an early freaking update. Are you proud of me? I hope to get another chappy out to you before semester break ends next Monday. So stay tuned for more inside knowledge on Liz' relationship with Sam and Ryan.
Fun fact: When I started LiL I didn't plan for it to become a love triangle.
Do you think that plan would have been good, or nah?
Anyways, I just baked some cupcakes after a full day binge watching Prison Break. That's what's going on in my life right now if you were wondering.
Love you! Tell me what you think.
Please comment/vote?
Hugs and kisses
Kathy