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"It's been a hell of a ride, driving the edge of a knife."
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TWO MONTHS LATER
I thought by returning things back to normal, I would be able to find closure better. In some ways I had, as not a day after we returned from New Orleans I broke down. The tears were for Bonnie and Bonnie only, and that seemed to be punishment enough. Ever since that night I've felt more complete, but every day I still feel as if I'm missing something, like there was something more Elijah wanted me to do.
"You need to find others who were touched by Bonnie," Elijah's voice rings in my head.
"How do I do that? They're all several hours away," I remember saying.
"I think you just answered your own question."
"Blair?" Logan says, snapping his fingers from his office desk across from me.
"Hmm?" I turn my gaze to him, returning back to reality.
"You alright?" he asks with a smile.
Christina rolls her chair over to our station with wide eyes. "Did she faze out again? Blair, that's your tenth time in two months."
"I'm fine, I was just thinking," I assure them.
"You see, normally I would believe you, but your cracked pencil speaks otherwise." Christina crosses her arms in a scolding manor.
Only now do I realize I was so deep in thought, I snapped my favourite drawing pencil in half. I take in a deep breath and sigh, suddenly feeling a craving for a drink. "James, wanna meet at the bar in twenty minutes?" I ask in my mind.
Not a second later does James respond back . "Of course, anything for you love," he replies. I can almost hear the smirk on his face.
"You're such a flirt," I smile, not realizing Christina and Logan are still watching me.
"I know."
"Why are you smiling?" Christina questions assertively, wanting desperately to figure me out.
"Because I can," I say proudly, getting up. "I'll see you guys later."
I can hear both their voices whispering behind me, but I only smile and keep on walking.
∆ ∆ ∆
I walk into the bar, slightly surprised to see it's empty. I mean, usually there are more day drinkers than this. Fortunately, it makes finding James that much easier. I spot him sitting alone at the bar, his gaze placed upon the TV that airs some football game. I take a seat beside him, startling him a bit, but he soon relaxes as he takes in my figure.
"Hey," he says, giving me a quick kiss.
"Hey," I reply, shuffling in my seat until I'm comfortable. "You're here quicker than I thought you'd be."
"I was already here." He shrugs, causing me to become concerned.
"Why...?"
"Oh, nothing bad," he quickly says, realizing what it sounded like. "I was just about to call you down here right before you did."
"Oh, how come?" I question, slightly excited.
"Well, it seems we have a lot to celebrate," he begins, causing me to raise a brow. "It appears I've reached full strength again, thanks to Freya's herbs and rations of blood. I'm officially clean."
"That's amazing!! See? I told you we would figure it out." I laugh, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. I'm genuinely happy for him and relieved he won't be so scared of himself anymore. Although, I know as vampires we are always fighting the urge to feed, I feel comforted knowing James won't have that part of him heightened anymore.
"And, to make things even better, I think Theo has finally picked a side," James adds.
I gape my mouth open in surprise. "What? How do you know?" I ask excitedly.
"This morning when I dropped him off at daycare, he used magic to open the car door," James chuckles. "Smart little guy." He laughs.
"James!" I scold. "You're not supposed to let him use magic in public!"
"Hey! He only uses it when he needs to!" James continues to laugh. "Besides, if he used magic, it means he must've used witch magic seeing as the herbs Freya prescribed him strictly kept his Traveller side at bay. Not to mention we haven't had any weird weather or power outages since we came back."
"So he chose witch magic!" I exclaim and James nods. I let out a relieved laugh, resting my head in my hands as I physically feel my mind deflate in pressure, my list of problems decreasing in size. Unfortunately the more it decreases in size, the more I'm forced to face the problems at the end of the pile. One of those problems being figuring out what place I consider home.
"James," I begin, hating myself for turning the mood serious again. "Do you like it here?"
He furrows his brow in confusion. "What do you mean? Of course I do. It's our home, where you restarted your life."
"Exactly, it's where I started my life, but now that you're back, I'm just afraid this isn't what I want, or what you want, or hell even if this is right," I sigh, craving a drink. "Where the hell are the workers in this place," I growl.
"Blair, honestly I'm perfectly fine living wherever as long as I'm with you." He smiles, reaching to grasp my hand.
I feel my cheeks flush and I roll my eyes. "I really appreciate your kind words James, I really do but this isn't time for your romantic remarks." I shake my head with a laugh. "I just feel like I'm missing something. It's been great living here for the past two months like regular people, but no matter how hard I try I just can't shake the feeling that this isn't right. I moved here to start a life by myself, to get over you, and now that you're back it just feels wrong."
"What are you saying?" he questions, his hazel blue eyes trying to figure me out. I can see they're struggling, which shouldn't come as a surprise because right now I don't even understand myself.
"I think we need to move back to Mystic Falls," I admit quietly, causing him to widen his eyes. Before he can respond however, the bartender approaches us.
"Whatchay'all talkin' about?" Joel greets, leaning on his elbows on the bar table, looking back and forth between James and I.
"Oh, so that's why my drink was taking so long," I tease, glaring at Joel.
"Relax, I've got you covered." Joel waves me off, passing over a glass of bourbon. I take it with a nod, before letting the beverage slide down my throat in a satisfying way.
"Seriously, what are you guys talking about. It looks like you're both fighting, and you never fight," Joel comments seriously.
"Would you ever move back to Mystic Falls?" I ask Joel, ignoring his question.
"Is the sky blue?" Joel comments sarcastically, shaking his head. "No! What kind of question is that? That town is dead to me."
"Oh come on! All our friends are back there, struggling to cope just like we are!" I argue back, trying to prove my point. Although it's hard to win an argument when you don't have any valid points seeing as I'm not entirely sure why I want to move back. I just do.
"Yeah! And they chose to stay there because they can't let go! You and I? We did right moving here Blair, we moved on. They're stuck there, and thankfully we can't say the same," Joel says angrily.
"I moved here to help move on from losing James, as did you Joel, and now that he's back I don't feel a need to stay!" I point out, with a raised voice.
"No need to stay? Blair, you have a job, a house, friends that care just as much about you as Caroline and Elena do! You have every reason to stay!" Joel fires back.
"Blair, why do you want to go back there? We can't even live in that town thanks to the anti-magic border," James speaks gently, but I can tell he's holding in his anger. Sometimes I wish he would just get mad.
"Because I feel like I'm missing something, like I'm missing a part of me, and somehow I think the only way to fill that part is to head back to a place where people understand exactly what I'm going through! Neither one of you were close with Bonnie or Damon!" I shout.
"Is that what this is about? Your need to cope?" James asks in frustration. "What the bloody hell have we been doing for the past two months? I supported you while you went back to your job, thinking that was the best way to help you. I did everything you needed to help you live with Damon and Bonnie's deaths, and all this time you were pretending to be fine? You can't do that to me Blair, you just can't. It's my life too," he says, finally letting go and releasing his anger.
"I'm trying to understand your pain Blair, I really am, but that's next to impossible to do when you pretend everything is fine all the time," he adds quietly, his voice sounding pained as if he's pleading with me.
"I'm trying too okay! I don't know how to stop feeling this way all the time, I don't know how to feel better about their deaths, but what I do know is that living here seems to be making things worse. At first it helped yes, but that was when I needed to be alone. I don't need to be alone any more," I say, my eyes tearing up.
"I've been trying things out for the past two months, trying to understand what place I consider to be my real home, and from what I've gathered, this place isn't it. This city isn't my home," I say.
"And Mystic Falls is? Blair, that town has never done anything good for us! It's taken countless lives, including Damon's. You really want to go back there? Live in his house?" James speaks sternly, both our voices raised. I might be mistaken, but this is the first fight we've ever really had. And quite frankly, it doesn't feel very good.
"You know, we may have lost people in that town James, but it's also the place where we met. So you can't sit here and tell me that town has done nothing for us, when in truth it's the reason we're together today," I say furiously, tears threatening to spill.
I hold a stern face, clenching my trembling hands into fists to keep myself together. However, James seems to soften completely, making it a thousand times harder to be mad at him. He seems hurt, like my words have hit a nerve.
"I would've met you anyways, Blair. At some point in my life our paths would've crossed," he says quietly. "What we have isn't created from some silly little town."
I sigh, realizing my mistake. I remember how I was once mad at him that we technically met because of Klaus. James wouldn't have come to Mystic Falls in 1864 had it not been because of Katherine and her possession of the moonstone, a critical piece in taking revenge against Klaus. Everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be will be. It's not fair of me to put all the credit behind our relationship into Mystic Falls.
"That's not what I-"
"Blair, it's okay," James says, getting up and grabbing his coat as he heads towards the door. "In all honesty I don't care where we live as long as I have you and Theo. But please, before you make a decision just think it through. There's only so many times I can adapt to change."
As he walks out the door, I sit back in my chair with watery eyes, blinking to clear my blurry vision but that only allows several more drops to slide down. "Man, I've never seen my brother love that hard before Blair, I honestly haven't," Joel speaks quietly from behind the bar. I almost forgot he was still here.
"You know, he's been through a lot too, coming back from the dead and all. He's made a lot of sacrifices for you too. He took on a fatherly figure for Theo right away, gave you the time to return to your job while he sat alone at home, lost with himself. Everyday for the past two months he's done that Blair, driving himself crazy trying to figure out what to do with himself, all for you," Joel explains.
I purse my lips and nod, wiping my cheeks clear of the salty tears. "All I'm trying to say, is before you make any big decisions, think about what you're doing to him, because he's too in love with you to say otherwise," Joel says, looking out for his brother.
I take in a deep breath, trying to figure out where to go from here. "What do I do?" I croak, my voice raspy.
"You go pick up Theo, go home and talk to James. He's always been a good listener." Joel smiles assuringly, sending me an encouraging nod.
I nod in appreciation before exciting the bar and hopping in my car.
∆ ∆ ∆
I've never dreaded going home so much in my life. I keep thinking back to the fight a couple hours ago, the image of James's gut wrenching pained expression glued to the back of my mind. I feel entirely guilty but I still stand by my reasoning to return to Mystic Falls. Or at least I think I do.
With one last deep breath, I open the front door for Theo and I, allowing him to rush inside straight for the fridge like he does everyday after preschool. I close the door and drop my bags to the floor as I walk inside, surprised to find several cardboard boxes laying about, opened and ready to be packed.
With furrowed brows, I make my way to the dimly lit living room where James sits in silence on the couch, several framed photographs sprawled out around him.
"What's going on... are you okay?" I ask carefully, still glancing all around at the boxes that lay about. None of them are packed, not yet at least.
"I remember the exact colour of the dress you chose to wear at the prom. I remember how silky it felt against the palm of my hand as we danced. I remember, going out after to get you your first cheeseburgers and fries." He chuckles deeply, staring at the photo taken of us that night- the night Silas showed up, the same night Elijah accidentally gave him the cure. It seems so long ago, like the cure never even existed.
"...have you been drinking?" I ask bluntly, slipping off my coat and placing it on the chair.
At that he looks up at me, setting the photo down with the rest of them, shaking his head. "You were right. That town, it isn't dead to us. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to head back to that place," he trials off.
"But you don't want to stay here either, do you?" I ask softly, moving all the photos away so I can sit beside him on the couch.
"I'm just so lost Blair, ever since coming back..," he admits, his voice cracking at the end. I take his hand and give it a reassuring squeeze as if to tell him it's okay to break down. Maybe that's all he needs. "You need to let yourself feel it," Elijah's voice rings in my head.
"It's just, this is all unfamiliar to me, the whole settling down thing. I'm used to travelling, as I was running around the world for all my life. But I know we can't travel, I know that. It would be too hard on Theo. But, when I try to think of the best places to settle down and raise Theo, my mind keeps going back to Mystic Falls. So maybe you're right, maybe going back there is what we need, because no matter how many lives were lost in that town, or the events that took place, it's still our home," he says, squeezing my hand back tightly.
"It's your anchor, the same way that stupid plush toy monkey doll is mine. You keep getting drawn back to it. It makes you realize what's important." I smile.
"You're important and you're also my anchor, so whatever you feel you need to do, I'll be okay," he assures me, his hazel blue eyes appearing more like a deep green in the dim light.
I shake my head. "This place was never my home, it was just a vacation away from pain. But now, most of the pain is over, and the only place to truly heal myself is with the people who understand me best. I need something stable, something else familiar. This city has served its purpose for me, but it's not home. It never really was."
He nods and takes in a deep shaky breath. "So, we're really doing this?" He raises a brow.
I shuffle out a nervous laugh, placing my other hand on the side of his face. "Yeah, I think it's time we go back home."
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[completed & edited: 10/08/2021]