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"I'll hit the lights and you lock the doors, tell me all of the things that you couldn't before."
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IN MY HAND I hold possibly the world's most ugliest doll, tossing it from hand to hand, thinking about all the memories it triggers, all the memories of my childhood. Several hours have passed since the incident on the streets, my mind composed of organized thoughts. I have been in the guest room for several hours, staring at the stupid plush toy hoping it can make me feel better, but it makes me feel worse.
I had asked to be alone, insisting that I needed time to myself. Nobody objected, not even James. James only ever leaves me alone when he knows I need it, and that is one of the reasons I love him.
However, just after the sun has set do I hear a knocking on the door, already knowing who it is just by the strong scent of dark oak cologne. "Come in," I say, as James opens the door.
"Are they listening?" I ask, referring to everyone downstairs. I could hear them talking about me all afternoon, trying to determine what was wrong with me.
"No. They're making dinner," James replies, as he closes the door.
"Since when do the Originals cook?" I question with a smile.
"Oh they never cook, which is why it looks like Hell's kitchen down there," James jokes, sitting beside me on the bed. I shuffle a laugh, keeping my stare down at the doll. "You know, I remember seeing that doll one night back in 1864. Your brothers hid it in my guest room, on the shelf across from my bed. Scared the bloody hell out of me," James explains, staring wide-eyed at the doll as he recalls the memory.
"You remember it?" I ask, turning to look at him.
"It's kinda hard to forget, no?" He laughs, his deep laugh soothing me like it's music to my ears.
"Fair enough," I agree, smiling.
"It's about your brothers, isn't it?" James asks me, but I don't answer. "You've been pretending you were alright with Damon's death and Stefan's disappearance for so long you've forgotten how much they mean to you. The doll, it ignited everything again," he explains, sighing when I don't answer. "I knew you hadn't accepted their absence," he says as if he's disappointed in himself.
"How?" I ask quietly.
"Because, I know you Blair." He smiles, wrapping an arm around me, pulling me close. "I should've said something, helped you sooner. I'm sorry," he admits, but to me he couldn't be more wrong.
"It's not your fault, James. It was bound to happen- me breaking down. Nobody gets over the death of a sibling so fast without consequence," I assure him.
"It gets better." He kisses the top of my head.
"How long did it take for you to finally accept Lexi's passing?" I ask cautiously.
He purses his lips, clearly uneasy about the topic. "You want the truth?"
"Yes." I smile faintly, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"There is no such thing as accepting such a vile thing as death. You just live with it," he says lowly.
"But, isn't living with it accepting it?" I question in confusion.
"Not necessarily," he shakes his head. "Accepting is coming to terms with reality and moving on. Living with it is letting the pain influence everything you do, earning the strength to move on. Every now and then when in doubt I'll think about what Lexi would do, allowing the pain of her memory make myself a better person."
I give his hand a tight squeeze, before tilting my head up to kiss him. I allow the warmth of his lips on mine to comfort me, further stabilizing my broken mind. As we break apart, I open my eyes and smile up at him. "I love you," I say.
He pauses for a moment, his eyes dazing into mine as if they're memorizing every fine detail of my face. "I love you too," he whispers, leaning down to kiss me again when suddenly our attention is turned to a muffled voice behind the closed door.
"Aww," the voice says, no doubt the voice of Joel Branson.
"I thought you said they weren't listening," I say, scowling at the door.
"I can't keep track of Joel anymore," James sighs, dragging a hand through his hair as he gets out of the bed. He opens the door, forcing Joel who had his ear pinned against the door to fall over face first on the hardwood floor.
"Ow," Joel mutters.
"Why is it that every time Blair and I have a moment, you suddenly show up?" James questions his brother.
"What can I say? I'm a third wheeler," he says slyly.
I scoff and shake my head. "Dinner!" Rebekah's cheery voice calls from downstairs.
"This should be good," Joel comments sarcastically at the Mikaelson's cooking skills.
I take James's hand as we walk down the stairs and into the dining room, taking a seat beside one another. Elijah sits across from me, placed beside Klaus who sits beside Cami. Hayley takes a seat beside me while Rebekah and Joel takes the end seat.
"Alright. Now, before you ask, I did not compel anyone for anything. This is an honest made meal," Rebekah states. "It was us three that made it," she says, motioning to her, Klaus and Elijah.
"Now I'm intrigued," Joel snickers, causing Rebekah to scowl at him.
"Bon appetite."
∆ ∆ ∆
The thing with having a dinner with Kol Mikaelson and Joel Branson, is that the conversation never stops. Whether it's bickering, teasing, bitter remarks or old story telling, the two of them just can't stop talking. I'm not complaining, as it offers little opportunity for me to speak which I don't mind at all. Frankly Elijah, James and I are the quiet ones, entertaining Theo and baby Hope for most of the time.
Now all our plates are empty, our stomaches full, the laughter soon dying out as the dinner comes to an end. "Thank you very much for dinner. It was lovely." I smile politely, sitting straighter in my chair.
Rebekah smiles in response. "Who would like some alcohol to top off this wonderful evening? Blair? I know it's been a long day for you," she jokes, sending me an innocent wink but I can't help but feel offended.
"What?" I ask, leaning my elbows on the table.
"Well I just thought after a long day, and after the little freak out you had at the market that you might want to have a drink," Rebekah speaks carefully, surprised by my tone. "As relaxing and enjoyable this dinner was, it was lacking in alcohol," she laughs forcefully, trying to cover up her mistake but I catch it.
"Is that what this is about? Is this some sort of charity dinner to get me to talk? Like I'm some sort of lost cause?" I scoff, looking around at everyone in bewilderment.
"We're just concerned for you, Blair. That's all," Elijah assures me.
"I appreciate your concern, all of you, but really I'm fine," I say more calmly.
"Are you?" Klaus speaks up from the other end of the table. "Are you fine? I mean, you lost both brothers in a short span of a few days. Any normal person wouldn't be fine."
"I only lost one," I say quietly.
"But Stefan's not here, is he? He's just gone. Just like Damon. I can't accept the fact you're doing just fine after loosing two of the most important people in your life," Klaus presses, he too leaning forwards in his chair.
"I think what Niklaus is trying to say, is that we're concerned with how quickly you've seemed to recover after your brothers-"
"Why do you assume this is all about my brothers?" I snap aggressively, cutting Elijah off. "I've lost people, people left me, and one of those people happens to be Bonnie Bennett, yet some how she always seems to get forgotten! She deserved better than that! She deserved so much more..." I trail off, my voice weakening the more I speak.
I'm deeply ashamed right now. Not at James or the Originals, or anyone in particular, just ashamed in myself. Bonnie went against her values to become my friend. She sacrificed herself for me yet I haven't shed a tear since her death for her. Here I thought I had been haunted by the absence of my brothers when in reality I was missing the presence of Bonnie Bennett as well.
The doll reminds me of my brothers yes, but it's not the doll that triggered memories to consume me at the market. No, it was the thought that I had forgotten what really happened that night. Not only did Damon leave me, but Bonnie did too. As I held the doll in my hand at the market, all I could think about was that I was missing something. That something is my brother and Bonnie.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, taking in a deep breath and calming myself before my watery eyes can spill with the tears that crave to leak out. "You all don't deserve that. I'm sorry," I say, standing up. "I think I'll go to bed now. James, can you put Theo to bed?" I ask, straightening out the ruffles in my blouse as I stand.
James nods, his own eyes shining with tears as his whole face screams of sadness. He does that every time I break down or have an episode, making me feel guiltier knowing I've caused him pain.
"Goodnight," I say to them all, turning to walk back to my guest room.
"Goodnight darling. Sleep tight." Kol shouts from the table. Seconds after I hear Elijah scold him, and despite every part of me that feels like breaking down right now, I can't help but crack a smile.
I find myself dressed in pyjamas, sitting on the bed with nothing but the lamp beside me on as I hold the same, taunting doll in my hand. What once reminded me of my brothers now reminds me of the person I so wrongly forgot about.
I hear a knock on the closed door, snapping my head up and preparing myself to talk knowing all too well James will want me to open up to him. "Come in," I sigh, giving into the inevitable.
However, as the door opens do I realize it's not James, but rather Elijah. "Elijah." I widen my eyes. "I thought you were James," I admit shyly.
"Nope. Just me. Unless of course you'd rather talk to him instead. I'm fine either way," he says in the politest way possible.
"Is it possible for you to be rude for once in your life? Honestly, this whole 'kind' original thing is messing with the family reputation no?" I tease, offering him a smile.
He chuckles before sitting on the chair placed across from the bed. He only sits there, narrowing his eyes at me like he usually does, waiting for me to break the silence. I sigh deeply before giving in. "It wasn't always about my brothers," I start off. "I was sad about what happened, Damon's death and Stefan leaving but deep down no matter how hard I had given into the truth, I always felt like there was something I was missing."
"Bonnie was a special person Blair. She touched so many people, including you, sacrificed herself for so many people, including you. She was your friend. She left a part of her with you when she died, maybe not as big as the part of Damon you keep within your heart, but it's there. You only realized tonight how much you miss her, and that's perfectly fine," Elijah assures me, but I don't believe him.
"That makes me such a horrible friend," I whisper, tossing the doll between my hands.
"If you were a horrible friend Blair, you wouldn't be feeling this way at all," Elijah points out, leaning forwards to rest his elbows on his knees.
"But still, it's been three weeks and I've only really thought about her tonight. She deserved better than that," I sigh, mentally scolding myself.
Elijah shrugs. "You had more closure with her than you did with Damon. I'm assuming you said goodbye to her?" he asks, and I nod.
"I never got to say goodbye to Damon," I murmur, tossing the doll to the end of the bed as I lay back. "But that doesn't give me an excuse not to feel sad over her death. I feel like I got over it too quickly."
"How is everyone else doing? Caroline and Elena?" Elijah questions.
I shrug. I haven't called Caroline in about three weeks when I had promised to call her every week. "Well that's the problem right there," Elijah sighs. "If you want to find closure with Bonnie's death, then you need to let yourself feel it. You need to let yourself cry over her death, and then you need to find others who were touched by Bonnie."
"How do I do that? They're all several hours away," I croak.
"I think you just answered your own question." Elijah smiles, before coming over to my bed, placing a friendly kiss on the top of my head. "Goodnight Blair," he says before leaving the room, leaving me with my thoughts.
∆ ∆ ∆
We have been in New Orleans for two days, but now it's time to head home. James has his special witch prescription as does Theo to help control their problems, while I have my own baggage of emotions and unfinished closure I need to attend to. Deep down I know what I have to do to find peace within Bonnie and Damon's deaths but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I don't think I'm ready to return home.
"Thank you guys, really, for taking us in," I say, standing at the entrance of the Mikaelson residence with James, Theo and Joel by my side. "You've helped a lot." I smile, looking specifically at Elijah and Klaus.
"It was our pleasure," Klaus beams, before stepping forwards and embracing me in a hug. "Take care," he whispers before letting go. He then moves to shake hands with the Branson brothers, allowing Elijah a turn.
"You going to be okay?" he smiles hopefully.
"I will be. We all will be," I say firmly, giving him a tight hug.
"Remember what I said. You need to let yourself feel it," he whispers before releasing me.
I smile and nod, stepping back to look at everyone else. "It was nice meeting you Cami," I say, giving the blonde a hug.
"You too, Blair," she replies with a graceful smile.
Rebekah steps forwards, wrapping me in a hug. I'm taken back to say the least, not expecting such a gesture from her. We were never really close. "I hope you figure everything out Blair."
"Thank you. And I'm sorry about last night, I was-"
"Blair, it's okay," she cuts me off, assuring me.
I nod and smile, glancing back at everyone and preparing to leave. "What?" Kol gasps. "Do I not get a hug?" he says in shock.
"I don't hug people who have tried to kill me." I smirk, grabbing Theo's hand. "Well, sometimes I make exceptions," I add, glancing over at Klaus who rolls his eyes.
I then smile at little Hope who is in Klaus' arms, giving her a small wave. She lets out a small giggle, but then do I realize she's not looking at me but rather Theo who stands by my side, making silly faces at Hope to amuse her.
I glance back at James and he grins widely, the sight in front of us brightening the room unlike anything else.
"Say bye Tee," I say, giving his shoulder a squeeze.
"Goodbye!" he says quietly, grabbing onto my hand.
"Tell Hayley we said goodbye for us okay?" I ask, and they nod. She had other matters to attend to this morning.
We all give one last wave before turning around and leaving the large mansion, leaving it's beauty behind. However, something tells me this won't be the last time I visit here, and frankly I don't see a problem with that. It's nice here, but it's not home.
Now I need to figure out what I do consider home because I have a choice to make if I want to finally have closure with Bonnie and Damon, and it starts with confronting Stefan.
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[completed & edited: 10/05/2021]