(A/N- I really hope you all like this chapter! Next update will be Monday! :) Thank you again for all of the votes and comments, I really appreciate them!!! Love to all of you! xx )
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My eyes open slowly. Harry is still clinging to my body as if his life depended on it. I turn my head to look at the clock. It’s just shy of eight and the moon is full and shining light into my room. I need to get up. My bladder is screaming to be emptied and my stomach is yelling to be filled. I don’t want to wake him, knowing he probably needs all the rest he can get, so I gently and very slowly lift his arm from my chest while I slide out from under his grasp.
His head lands gently on the mattress and I place his arm down next to him. He shuffles slightly and that allows me to place a pillow underneath head. He mumbles something as I stand up from the bed but it was like gibberish and couldn’t be understood.
I stand at the side of the bed and watch him for a few moments. I’m almost tempted to run my fingers down over his face and along the skin of his exposed back but I refrain; not wanting to take the chance of waking him up. He is so beautiful and I know in that moment of watching his lips part to release a soft breath that this thing between us isn’t over and it probably never was. My feelings for him never went away but I pushed them to the back of my mind and developed strong feelings for someone else.
I tip toe out of the room and to the guest bathroom on the main floor. I then take to the kitchen to see what I can make for a late dinner. I decide on spaghetti. It’s easy enough and will be done relatively quickly.
While I am cooking, my mind races with many thoughts. Harry and I have such a strong history and loved each other so deeply. I know he is still in love with me and I have so much love for him but I’m still not sure if I am in love with him like I once was.
I am now allowing myself to fully admit that the feelings for Harry are still there after all this time and I know I need to do as Ryan asked and figure out what those feelings mean but like I told Harry last night; I’m scared to.
I scared because if I explore these feelings I could end up wanting to be with Harry again and that would mean having to give up Ryan and I’m not ready to do that. I still want to be with him regardless of my feelings for Harry. Ryan was there for me and supported me throughout the entire ordeal with Harry and never once took advantage of my vulnerability. I was the one to make the first move on him and even then he repeatedly asked if I was sure.
I care so deeply for Ryan but I understand that it wouldn’t be fair to him for me to stay with him while I have feelings for someone else. But I am still very much looking forward to being in his arms again next week when I go over to visit him in the states.
A half hour later the food is ready and I set the table for Harry and me. I place the garlic bread in the center and scoop generous portions of the pasta on each plate. I fill a glass for each of us with ice water and then stand back and look at what I’ve just done. I sigh and shake my head thinking that I am a couple drippy candles with a soft glow from the flames away from this being a romantic date. I push the thoughts away and head back upstairs to my room to wake Harry.
I push the bedroom door open and softly walk towards the bed. I sit next to him and smile at the soft snores that are leaving his lips.
“Harry” I whisper and lightly rub his shoulder. He moves slightly but then curls back into himself. I quietly chuckle.
“Harry” I lean a little closer to his ear.
“hmmmm” His eyes start to flutter
“Time to wake up. I cooked us dinner.” I gently brushed the hair off of his forehead. It was at this time that he rolled over onto his back.
“Niall?” He mumbled and brought his hands up to rub his eyes.
“Yes and I’m hungry. So get up so we can eat.” He squinted his eyes open and smiled at me hovering above him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me down onto him.
“I just want to cuddle.” He sulked and placed a kiss on my collar bone.
“Eat now. Cuddle later.” I replied and used my hands to push up from his grip.
“Promise?” His eyes fully opened now. I smiled.
“Promise. Now get up. You can grab some sweats from the drawer and I’ll meet you down stairs.” I got up and left the room.
“Awe. You did this for me?” He smiled as he saw the kitchen table all set up with food. I was sitting in my chair at the table and laughed.
“No. I did this for me because I was hungry. And you’re here so you are just benefiting from my hunger.” I smirked and he rolled his eyes and took his seat
After dinner, as I promised, we were back in bed. It was just about ten and even though I slept for about four hours after getting back home, I was exhausted.
“Oh, shoot. I have to call the guys.” I said remembering that I told Liam, Zayn and Louis I would call them after the meeting with Jamie. I also wanted to call Ryan but I wasn’t going to mention that. “I’ll just go to the living room to call them so that you can sleep.”
“I’m sure they can wait until tomorrow, Ni. Let’s just go to sleep.” He wrapped his arms around me to ensure that I wouldn’t be able to get up from the bed.
“No, I think I should really call them.”
“Niall, it’s fine. You know they won’t care.” I was certainly not going to win this argument, so I had to come clean.
“Harry, I have to call Ryan.” I look apologetically in his eyes and they soften and so does his grip around my waist. I stand up from the bed and leave the room with my phone in my hand. I shut the door behind me and walk downstairs to sit on the sofa.
“Hey, Ni.” Ryan speaks and I smile.
“Hi. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. How did today go?” He asks, getting right to the point.
“I wanna hear how your week has been so far? You’re in Florida, right?” I reply.
“Yeah. I’m in Orlando and my week has been good. Busy but good. Haven’t had much time to myself because of writing in any studio management can find and then the shows and all that. But, yeah. It’s been alright. I’ve just finished sound check for the show tonight, so I’m just hanging around back stage in the dressing room, eating dinner right now.”
“I just had dinner, too. Kind of late, I know. But once I got back to the house, I just fell asleep and woke up around eight. I’m just about to go to bed again, though. I just wanted to call you like we planned.”
“I’m glad you did. It’s good to hear from you. So, how was it?”
“It was ok, actually. Jamie really apologized and I forgave him and I can tell he isn’t the same person he once was.”
“That’s good. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous all day about it and was seriously like ten minutes away from calling you cause I hadn’t heard from you yet, so I got a little worried.”
“Awe, babe. That’s so sweet. But I was fine.” I smiled and I could tell he was smiling as well.
“So, anything new with..you know…the Harry situation?” I sighed at his question. I didn’t really want to talk about Harry during one of the few times I get to talk with Ryan.
“I don’t know. He came with me today, as you know and……” I didn’t know whether I should tell him about me kissing Jamie and Harry watching but I could never lie or hold anything from Ryan so I continued. “and well…Harry was in the security room with the therapist watching Jamie and me over the security camera and Jamie and I …… please don’t be upset…..but Jamie and I kissed…… liked kissed, kissed and Harry obviously saw that and he was completely devastated and came back to my place after and we both fell asleep and woke up and had dinner and he is still here and is gonna stay the night.” I finished with the story and waited. It stayed silent for a few moments before he spoke up.
“Ok. That was actually hard for me to hear.” He sighed.
“I’m sorry”
“No. Don’t be sorry. You have no reason to be sorry. I know this is what I suggested. Although I suggested you kiss Harry not Jamie. But that’s beside the point because you are free to kiss anyone you want. I guess I am just surprised that you kissed Jamie.”
“I know and I certainly didn’t plan on it but it was like a closure thing and I was just as surprised with the thought that my first kiss after you would be with Jamie and not Harry.”
“You still haven’t kissed Harry yet?” He asked softly.
“No. I’m just not ready to. I’m scared, Ry. I want to be with you but I’m scared that if I do finally kiss Harry that my feelings for you will change and I don’t want that.”
“Niall you can’t do that to yourself. Don’t be afraid of what might happen. Also, as I have said, it’s not fair for anyone involved. You have to be honest with yourself.” I sigh because I know he is right.
“I know. And I know that I do obviously have some feelings for him but I have feelings for you, too and I don’t want that to end. I just want to see you again, baby and be held by you and kiss you and….I just miss you, is all.” I am then startled slightly by a sharp intake of breath behind me. I turn around to see Harry with tears forming in his eyes. He obviously just overheard what I just said. He turns around and walks back up the stairs.
“Ry, I have to go.” I sigh
“Are you ok?”
“Harry just heard what I said to you.”
“Oh. Ok.”
“But I miss you, babe and I’m so excited I get to see you next week.”
“I miss you too and I’m happy you’ll be here as well. Have a good night, Ni. I’ll talk to you soon”
“I’ll try. Have a good show. Bye, Ry.”
“Thanks. Good night, Niall.” I end the call and drop my head in my hands. I know I have to head up stairs right now and I’m not quite sure what state I’ll find Harry in, so I’m nervous.
I push back the door and see Harry putting his clothing on and tears are falling from his eyes. I walk up to him and take hold of his wrist.
“Harry, you don’t have to leave.”
“Yes, I do.” He pulls on his shirt and picks up his socks. He sits on the bed to put them on. I kneel down in front of him and take the socks from his fingers and place my hands on his knees. He drops his head.
“I’m sorry, Harry. I’m really sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Niall. I know that you still want to be with Ryan. I know it’s not me that you want anymore and I have to come to terms with that but I don’t think that I ever will.” He brushes a few tears from his face.
“Yes, I still want to be with Ryan but Harry, I have feelings for you. I’ve always had feelings for you but I’ve pushed them away because I was so happy with Ryan. I’m sorry this is all so painful for you and I know you are hurting and I don’t ever want you to be hurt. I just need to figure out what I want and I’m sorry that you are waiting for me to figure it out. You don’t have to. You should move on, Harry. You should be happy. You deserve happiness.” I drop my head and rest it on his knees.
I feel his hands run through my hair and then they wrap around my arms. He lifts me up from the floor and pulls me onto him; so I am straddling his lap. Our breathing intensifies and he grips my hips tightly while I hold onto his shoulders.
“You are my happiness, Niall. I can’t be happy without you. I want you and I will want you forever and I’m going to fight for you and do everything I can to show you how much I love you and that you should be with me. Baby, it’s you and me. It will always be you and me.” I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his.
He runs his hands around the back of me and pulls me closer to him. I feel his hands slide up under my shirt and caress my back, leaving goose bumps up my spine. I feel the fabric being lifted and once it gets to the top of my back, I hesitantly lift my arms and allow for him to remove the material from my body.
I watch as his eyes travel over my chest and he leans down and places feather light kisses all along the base of my neck. With one of his hands, he reaches around to the back of his neck and grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls it over his head and from his body in one smooth motion. He then returns his lips to my neck.
He starts to lie back as I take hold of either side of his head, guiding his face to place kisses on certain spots on my skin.
We are now lying in the bed, me on top of him and my head pressed into the mattress next to the crook of his neck. I am trying to soften the sound of the moan that is escaping my lips. He gently lifts his pelvis to apply pressure to mine. This action causes me to lightly bite down on the area between his shoulder and neck. That causes him to moan and buck his hips up again.
This is escalating too quickly and I need to stop before we can go any further. I want this but at the same time I don’t want it nor am I ready for it.
I feel his lips leave a trail of kisses up over my shoulder, up the side of my neck and then his hands travel up my back and grab onto the hair on the back of my head. He pulls my face up to meet his.
“Kiss me, Niall” He pleads in a hushed tone. “Kiss me, please” He speaks softly in my ear and starts to kiss along my jaw getting closer and closer to my lips with each kiss. “I love you”
“I can’t Harry. We can’t” His kisses don’t stop.
“Yes, baby. Please kiss me.” He breaths out and I moan as I feel his teeth slightly nip along the skin of my jaw.
“I can’t Harry. I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”
“Then we won’t stop.” His lips are now just at the corner of mine and he pauses.
“I can’t Harry, please. Not now.” I turn my face to the side and rest it against the side of his face. “I’m so sorry, Harry” I whisper into his ear. “Can we just go to sleep, please?”
“Sure” he softly sighs and I swing my leg over him to remove myself from straddling his waist. I crawl up to the top of the bed and scoot under the covers. I hold the blankets up for him to slide under and he does. He lies down on his back and I rest my head on his chest. His arm is wrapped around me and his hand is lightly rubbing my back. I drape my arm across his stomach and he places a kiss on the top of my head.
“Goodnight, Harry.”
“Night, Ni.”
I wake up the next morning to an empty bed and a heavy heart.
The next few days and into Monday were very uneventful. I did absolutely nothing. I spoke with Liam and Zayn about what happened with Jamie, as promised and I talked to Louis about it as well. Also adding in what happened with Harry and me into our conversation.
Louis was sympathetic to me but also to his best friend. At the end of the day his loyalties were to Harry and I understood that and accepted without argument when he said things to the effect that I should just be back with Harry, already.
Harry and I haven’t spoken since Thursday night right before we went to bed for the second time. Again, I woke up on Friday morning alone in my bed with no explanation, not that Harry needed to provide me one nor did I really deserve one. I know what I am doing is hurting Harry. I don’t want to do that but I can’t help it. I am so confused. Why do I still want to be with Ryan when I am openly admitting, finally, that I have feelings for Harry? Why, when I was in Harry’s arms last night, would my mind drift to off and think about being in Ryan’s arms instead?
Maybe when I see Ryan again in a few days all of this will become clear. Hopefully I‘ll see him and know without a doubt that I want him. Or maybe without a doubt I’ll want Harry.
It was now Thursday night and I was packing for my trip. I already spoke to Ryan and I am a bundle of nerves right now. I just want to see him so badly. I miss him terribly but also maybe this trip will provide much needed clarity.
Tuesday and Wednesday I spent in the studio. I finally finished recording all of the songs and we made the selection of what songs were going to be on my album. Over the next few weeks, we will be finalizing all of the recordings and choosing the single to come out with first. I’m really excited about that, and I am trying to focus all of my attention into that project instead of driving myself crazy with the ‘who do I want to be with’ drama.
I folded up the last of my shirts that I am taking and placed them into the suitcase. Just as I was pulling the zipper closed, the door bell rang. I cocked my eyebrow, puzzled as to who could be here as I was not expecting anyone. As I walk down the stairs I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know without having to even open the door that it is Harry. I pause over the door knob and take a deep breath. My suspicions are confirmed when I open the door to a seemingly emotionless Harry.
“Hey” He says and then steps inside and around me and walks towards the living room. I still haven’t said anything to him because this is all going too fast for me to even catch up and process what is going on. I finally close the door and walk towards Harry.
When I get back to the living room, I see him pacing back and forth.
“Harry, what’s the matter? What are you doing here? I haven’t heard from you all week.” He pauses and slowly turns to face me.
“I had to see you before you left.” He simply replies.
“Oh, ok.” I shrug because I don’t mind. I guess it’s nice to see him before I leave. “Do you want something to drink? I was just finishing up my packing but there isn’t much left so I can take a little break.”
“No. I don’t want a drink” He says sharply and I am slightly taken back. He quickly walks over to me and wraps his arms around my waist and hold tightly. I, instinctively, move my arms so they are around his neck; hugging him but not as tightly.
“Hey….what’s the matter?” I ask.
“Can we just sit down for a minute?” He responds and then releases his grip from me.
“Yeah, of course” I take the few steps over to the couch and sit down. He has yet to move from the spot he was standing.
“Harry?” I question. He slowly turns and stops right in front of me on the couch. I look up at him with furrowed brows because he is acting strange. “You’re acting weird, Harry. What’s the mat-“ I am cut off when he quickly places himself on top of me, straddling my hips. His arms wrap around the back of the couch on either side of me and he buries his head into the crook of my neck. I grab his hips, startled by his actions.
“Harry, what are you doing?” I can feel his breath hitting the sensitive skin on the side of my neck. “Harry.” I say his name again, looking for an explanation.
“I need you to kiss me, Ni. You need to kiss me before you leave. You have to kiss me. I can’t wait anymore. I need to feel your lips, baby.” He is ghosting his mouth over my ears as the breath released from his speaking is sending chills up my spine.
I try pushing his body away from me so that I can look at his face. He puts up a little resistance but eventually leans back slightly. I finally look into his eyes.
“Harry, please no. I can’t.”
“Yes you can. You’re just too afraid. Just stop being afraid, Niall and kiss me.” I feel his hips push slightly onto mine and he rolls his pelvis at the same time, creating friction that I can’t help but moan from. I close my eyes and drop my head back to rest it on the back of the couch. He rolls his hips on me again and then dips his head and begins to place his lips hungrily all over my neck.
“I’m not going to stop this time, baby.” He whispers and his lips are trailing up my jaw. My breathing increases and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t like this.
Closer, closer, closer. With each kiss he is getting closer and closer to my lips.
“Harry” I lightly breathe and run my hands around his back. I want to stop this but at the same time I don’t. My head is completely foggy and the only thought that I can make out is that I want this, I want him.
His fingertips trace down my arms and he takes my hands in his; interlocking our fingers. He then brings our hands up and pins them down on either side of my head.
“I’m going to kiss you now, babe.” He softly speaks and kisses his way over my cheek but pauses when he gets to my lips. I wait a few moments for him but he still hasn’t made a move. I slowly open my eyes and see him staring intensely into mine. His pupils very much dilated.
“You can tell me to stop. You know I would never force you.” He whispered, contradicting his statement before when he said he wouldn’t stop. I smiled internally and took a deep breath. I slowly licked my lips in preparation and then closed my eyes once more.
“Kiss me” I whispered and then felt his lips on mine not a second later.
There they were. There were the feelings. Everything being released from my body as our lips moved in sync. I wanted to think about what this all meant. I wanted to think about Ryan. I wanted to think about who I wanted. I wanted to do many things in this moment but I couldn’t. The sensation of his lips on mine was blocking every single thought from crossing my mind; not allowing me to be anywhere else but right here in this moment with Harry.
He released my hands and I quickly wrapped them around the top of his backside and pulled him closer into me. His hands carded into my hair and pulled slightly. I tilted my head and opened my mouth slightly so that the kiss could deepen.
He moaned and joined his tongue with mine. I sat up a little and twisted my body to the side, all while still holding him tightly. I began to ease our connected bodies down on the couch. My body hovering over his when we were finally laying down.
He bent his knees up and I was able to slide myself between them, pushing my hips into him. He was writhing in pleasure underneath me and the feeling of that instantly caused my arousal. I grinded down on him once more; feeling his very hard member against mine.
A second later his hands ran up the back of my shirt and he pulled it from my body, breaking our kiss, but only for a moment.
“Niall” He moaned and I pressed my lips to his once more. I began to trail my lips down his chin and over his neck while simultaneously pushing his shirt up to the top of his chest.
I began kissing, licking and nibbling down over his body and I just couldn’t stop. I couldn’t get enough of him. I couldn’t get enough of this feeling; a feeling that I haven’t had in so long and now that I’ve had a taste, I don’t want it to stop.
As my fingers grip onto the top of his jeans he grabs my hands and pulls them away. I breathe heavily and slowly look up at him. His eyes are glossed over and I immediately freeze.
“Oh my God, Harry. I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know why he was seconds from crying. “What happened?” I sat up and pulled him up with me and held him close.
He sniffles lightly and then straddles my waist again and takes my face in his hands. He kisses my lips softly and lets his lips linger.
“I love you so much, Niall and I want you to love me again.”
“Harry” I breathe but he cuts me off.
“I want this. I want us. You can’t deny these feelings anymore, Niall. You can’t deny this attraction between us. But I know you have a lot to think about and I’ll let you do that and I’ll be waiting for you. Do whatever you need to do while you are with him this weekend, but just come back to me after. I want you to come back to me.” He kisses me again. There is so much passion in it and I don’t want it to stop but he pulls away once more.
He stands up from my lap and pulls me up off the couch. He walks me to the door. I am still very much aroused and breathing fast and heavy. I want nothing more right now than to take him up to my room and be together with him. But at the same time, I know he is stopping it because it would be nothing at the moment but physical gratification. Even though there are feelings behind the actions, I still wouldn’t be able to make the decision to be back with him and he knows that.
He holds my cheek and presses his lips to mine.
“Have a safe trip, babe. I’ll see you when you get back. I love you.” He smiles and I brush a tear off his cheek. I run my fingers through his hair and bring his lips back to mine. We kiss for a few more moments and then he is gone and I am left sitting in my entryway thinking about the two men that I want.