Just rant for bit and let it all out you guys.
Happy New Year's Eve everyone! Or maybe it's actually for you guys that live across the world from me!
Let's have a real mature discussion for a second, alright?
So how many of us hear that stupid thing, (Cue high pitch voice) "New year new me!" Annoying, right? Any I'll tell you why. Each one of us have told ourselves that years prior, and the reason why it's annoying and over said is because we NEVER STICK THROUGH IT.
You guys, this year I've struggled with the hardest parts of my inner side that I didn't even know existed. Parts like loosing yourself. Feeling absolutely lost, and just gone. If you never felt like that before, my god yall are some lucky people because that feeling is the worst.
Growing up, a lot of people come up to me telling that my life was perfect. That I had everything and that the world was just constant blessing me with happiness.
And I was being a little brat and I was all "No way! Like my parents are so annoying! OMG!" Okay I've never used the word "OMG" when I'm talking but you get it. See, my point is that back then, maybe in 2015 and prior, I had no cares in the world. But when 2016 hit, I had no idea that it was potentially one of the worst years of my life. I suffered though a very long period of sadness, blind anger, confusion and like i said before, I was beyond lost.
So basically, every one goes through shit. Just because it's not the same thing that you're going through, it's ignorant to say that it's any less important.
Mind that.
Everyone that surrounded me had a very solid future a head of them. They knew what they wanted and they knew what to do. Obviously, I had no clue.
I love writing with all my heart, but as it's been very evident through my lack of updates, it wasn't enough for me to feel motivated.
I feel like every year since I started high school, I've just been fucking my life up. My grades weren't what I would've liked, my relationships weren't what I thought they would've been, my friends wasn't a Lilly and Miley or an Alex and Harper thing. (That's Hannah Montana and Wizards of Waverly Place by the way). But I guess it took me long time and I'm still understanding that there is no do-over button. What you do and what you have, is what you got.
I recently turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and I thought that it meant something important. But it really doesn't. I'm still the same person I was when I was 17 and 16 but just a lot more pathetic. You know?
Alot of my friends tell me that I'm a child. A child for not drinking or smoking. A child for wanting to love and laugh at the stupid things in the world. A child for not always spending day after day helping them with their petty boy issues because for once, I wanted a day where I could talk about the things happening in my life. (But before I could get anything personal out, I was shut down for being childish, or selfish.) But the saddest part of the entire thing is that I believed them. I believed that I was being a child because I didn't do things that were against my morals, or because I wanted to just be happy watching a movie instead of partying, that I wanted to talk about the crap I've been going through. And I still feel like a child.
I went to the mall the other day where a very good friend of mine told me I was a kid for just having fun (and this year has been a real crap fest so it was a rare amount of fun) and the thing is, that she's an infant compared to me. But I stick with her because I know I can help her grow even if she thinks that I act like a kid. Because I always put people above myself and that made me into a walk-all-over-me rug.
So if I'm a child because you just don't get it? Well that's something that you have to deal with.
So here are some of my New Year's Resolutions.
I want to be happy:
You aren't responsible for every miserable thing that happens to your friends. They make choices that they have to live with. And if they do something that you don't agree with and you do the best you can to let them know that but they don't listen, it's okay. You have to trust that they're old enough to make their own decisions.
Happiness, is not something that's tangent. You can't hold on to it or find it in some materialistic bullshit. All that stuff is not guaranteed you guys. So instead of trying to find it in other things, find it in yourself. And yall I just don't know how to do that yet, but I promise one thing. I wont stop till I do.
I want to find something that motivates myself:
This kind of goes hand to hand with the first one. You guys, find something that makes you get passionate and excited. Life without passion, oh boy that's where I am. So if you feel like that, me too dude. But hey, it's NEVER EVER TOO FUCKING LATE. YOU HEAR ME? SO IF YOU FEEL LIKE THAT, JUST DON'T. NO MATTER WHAT THE HELL IT IS, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.
I want to cut toxic people:
You know those people who want the absolute worst for you but unfortunately you call them your friend? Yeah, please for the love of every fucking thing, cut them out! It's not the end of the world if you cut people who don't make you feel awesome,it's called having self respect (which apparently by recent discovery, I lack). And oh my gosh let me say something real quick. Doing this is NOT mean. And besides, who says you can't be a little mean. You don't need to take shit from anyone, and if they get butt hurt, so be it.
I want to be in love: (SORTA BUT NOT REALLY)
LOL this isn't happening cause I happen to think that falling in love in high school or like freshman year of college is total bull shit and complete unwanted baggage, but you know I binged watch tvd and twilight the other day so hahahaha, would be kind of cool if I found myself a Stephan or a Damon or an Edward or a Jacob but hey, I also happen to hate being tied down so if I fall, then well that would definitely be something.
I want an adventure or mystery or hell even a little danger in my life:
The same old stupid routine certainly does get tiring, right? I have no faith in myself that this is going to happen in 2017. But this has to be my ultimate dream in the entire world. If this ever happens to me, I don't even know. That would be a blessing.
So that's my story :) And I want yall to comment on any part of this and just vent for a second. Let it all out and take a deep breath when you start the next year of your life.
Let's all virtually hold hands and walk into it again.
I love you all, I really do. :)
Bye till next year :)