"Who was that?" Stella asked as I locked my phone and slipped it back to my pockets.
I didn't go to school today, I didn't know why. I feel like I needed some time to think about the things I have come to realize about myself few days ago. I feel like I wasn't sure about all of it, but I know I am. My heart and mind had finally agreed on something. I am in love with him, there's no doubt about that. He makes me incredibly happy in anything that he does. I'm not questioning myself about it anymore. I know for a fact that I am sure with what I'm feeling. But to be completely honest, I'm scared. Scared to know that there could be a heartbreaking truth that he doesn't feel the same. I couldn't picture myself being the one he's in love with. I'm not one of those girls that boys usually fall in love with. I couldn't even picture anyone daydreaming about me. I'm not sporty, or approachable, or even pretty. I don't know. I never see myself as one of those girls that boys are going crazy about. I can never mean more than a friend to Calum. But as much as I want him to know what he means to me, I'm way beyond afraid to let him know the truth. He can't know I'm in love with him. These feelings need to fade away. I haven't felt this kind of feeling before, and no matter how good it is, it has to end.
I sat back down at her bed and smiled at her. I had been staying at Stella's house since this morning since she skipped school today as well. It has been only a week since we met, but she had been really nice to me. It wasn't that hard for me to get along with her. She seemed so easy to trust. But still, I couldn't let my walls down.
"Calum." I uttered.
She grinned at me. "So? What did he say?"
I bit my lip as I recall the conversation we just had. It was short but I admit I was smiling the whole time.
"He said he wanted to uhm- he wanted to hang out, something like that." I replied.
"He's asking you out?" Stella gasped and covered her mouth. I laughed at her reaction. Maybe because I'm not really used to this kind of thing. This is maybe how girls talk about the boys they like. Oh well.
"I guess so?" I said, shrugging.
"Then what did you say?" She moved closer to me, obviously curious about everything. "Don't tell me you turned him down."
"Of course I said yes?" I said with a light laugh.
Stella squealed and covered her mouth once again. She stood up and before she could manage to start jumping, I reached for her arms and stopped her.
"Jeez, Stel, calm down!" I pulled her back and laughed. "It's not like we haven't been hanging out before."
"What do you mean?"
I don't want to lie. It kills me somehow to do it but I have to. I have dragged a lot of people into this crap and it saddens me that some of them happens to mean something to me. Stella is the first girl I could ever call my friend. I couldn't be thankful enough to have her, even if we're truly different. She doesn't treat me like everyone does. And now I have to lie, even at her. I wish I could just make this stop. But I started it, remember? I still have to lie. I still have to pretend. This is getting harder than I thought. I want to stop it, but I just don't know how.
I took a breath and looked at her. "He's my boyfriend. For a month now, I guess."
"How come I didn't know you guys were together?" Stella furrowed his eyebrows. "So what now?"
I smiled at her, somehow relieved that she decided to change the subject. I don't want to talk about the whole pretending thing. I might ran out of words to say.
"I think I must go now." I stated as I stood up. She did the same thing.
"There's no way you're going out of that door looking like that, Walsh." She stated and I laughed. She sounded so much like Luke. That boy calls me Walsh a lot, rather than my first name.
"I think I'm good?" I said.
Stella walked over to her dresser and started rummaging through her clothes. They were all flowery and some are bright. I scrunched up my nose a bit. These aren't my kind of clothing. But they looked nice to her.
"Do you wear dresses?" She asked.
"No," I chuckled lightly. "And even if I were I wouldn't wear a dress today. It's freaking cold outside and it's just a simple hang out, no need to be really casual."
I walked closer to the full body mirror as I left Stella with her clothing research. I took a moment to look at myself. My ripped jeans looked so... ripped. My knees are both out from the ripped part and it's getting bigger. My white knitted sweater seemed too big for me, but I didn't mind since it's really comfortable. My hair is up in a messy bun, and by that I mean literally messy. Not like those perfectly-made messy buns. I looked horrible, I admit. My mascara is all smudged up around my eyes. I look pale, I look sad. I pulled out a weird smile, then started laughing. Stella was right. I couldn't go out and see him looking like this. I'm a complete mess.
"I guess you'll look good with these."
Stella handed me a loose gray sweater with cats printed all over it and some jeans shorts. I bit my lip as I look at it. This is not my thing, I said to myself. But they looked nice and I guess nothing bad would really happen if I tried them, right? I took it from her hands and walked to her bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I tied my hair up and started washing my face, removing all the crap out of it. After I finished getting all cleaned up, I wore the clothes that Stella gave me. They fitted nicely to me, great thing we kind of have the same size. I took a deep breath and opened the door, earning a wide smile from Stella.
"I knew you'd look cute at them!" She squealed once again. I just grinned. "No, you can't look at yourself yet."
She pulled me by the arm and let me sat down on her bed, not facing any mirror. She took her bag of her make up, and some other things, which I think, is for the hair.
"Not too much, please?" I pleaded. She just smiled at me.
Stella is really the girly type. She has all these cute and fancy dresses in her wardrobe. Her room has pink walls with pretty decorations up on it. She's really pretty. Her straight blonde hair falls perfectly at all times. She looked like a model, but she's way too different from the girly girls that I know. She's simple, and really beautiful. I find her very intimidating, but she's very nice. I wish I was just as confident as her.
"You can go check yourself now." Stella stated, taking me back to my senses.
I walked to mirror and got somehow surprised to see how I looked like. Her clothes looked really nice to me. My make up is simple but it looked really great. My hair is up in some kind of a fishtail braid, for the first time in my life. I still have my converse with me. I bit my lip as I keep staring at my own reflection. I look nice, wow.
"Thanks, Stella." I stated, smiling. "I look- I look nice."
She came closer to me and pulled me into a hug. "Not a problem."
Stella pulled away and I smiled, making her do the same thing. "You must go now. I bet someone out there is excited to see you." She added with a flirty grin.
"Shut up." I rolled my eyes and smirked, making my way to the door. "I'll go now, thanks again!"
"Have fun!"
*
A smile immediately escaped from my lips as I see him, standing under a tree, listening to his own music. He look handsome, as always.
"Oi." I said, pulling off one his earbuds.
"Hey- Kristen!" He said, beaming a smile. He looked so excited. "You came!"
"I came." I laughed lightly, not knowing what to say. His presence is enough to say I'm perfectly distracted. I'm lost for words for some reasons. I just want to look at him and feel comfortable, but I couldn't look at his eyes. He looked so happy and I know I feel the same, but something inside me is confusing me. I couldn't quite put a finger on it, but I want it to go away.
"So what are you going to show me today?" I asked, trying to drift my attention into some other thing, rather than my weird thoughts.
"Ah yes," He smiled and took my hand. "Come with me."
He is holding my hand. Calum is holding my hand.
I let myself feel his familiar warm hands as we walk near the parking lot. I love how our hands sway as we walk. It's a perfect picture of what I feel. But then again my thoughts came back, telling me that he might not feel the same way.
"I have a new friend." He said as we walk closer to a gray pick-up car. I gasped and covered my hands. Shit, I have always wanted one.
"I'm so jealous oh my god!" I practically screamed. "You're so damn lucky, Cal! Wow!"
He walked back closer to me as he continued laughing. I looked stupid on how I reacted, but it was true. I've always wanted a car. But I couldn't get one.
"Might wanna go for a little road trip?" He asked, and my heart already knew what the answer is.
"Down the beach!" I said and opened the car door for the passenger seat.
I couldn't get the smile away from my face, just like him. I could see hope in his eyes. He keeps looking at me just like how he looked at me from the stage last week. His brown eyes are my favorite thing to get drown to.
Calum finally got in the car and started it. As we started going through the way, I made myself comfortable. This is so relaxing.
"You can roll down the windows, if you like." He suggested and I immediately did it.
I turned to look at the radio and a smile escaped from my lips.
"Can I play some music?" I asked with such a giddy tone, doing some puppy eyes.
Calum laughed and I did the same thing. "Under your control then. All yours."
I grinned at his statement and hurriedly pressed the radio. My heart jumped at the song being played. I smiled as I rested my back, tapping my fingers on my lap. Calum started speaking, startling me.
"Great song choice!"
"Oh my god you like this too?" I asked.
"It's actually my jam." He said with a grin as he put on his sunnies in a playful manner. Oh god, he's so cute. He started tapping his fingers next to the beat while banging his head lightly. I couldn't help it anymore. Another smile grew in our faces as the music keeps on playing. I started clapping my hands next to the beat, as we both sang our hearts out next to the song.
"Got a wife and kids at Baltimore jack
I went out for a ride and I never went back
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going..."
I rolled down the windows, making it widely open and turned up the music louder. It was such a perfect moment. I never had this kind of experience in my life. I never even thought I'd be able to do things like this, with someone who mean so much to me. Calum's smile matches mine. I couldn't stop smiling at the moment. I am actually having fun. The wind hits my face as I we drove off to the beach. I put my hand out of the car, feeling the chilly wind in my hand. I turned to look back at him, he's still smiling. My heart flutters.
"Everybody's got a hungry heart
Everybody's got a hungry heart
Lay down your money and you play your part
Everybody's got a hungry heart..."
We laughed in unison as we finished singing our hearts out next to the chorus. We weren't even singing anymore, we're shouting. I clapped my hands again next to the beat as he remained singing. He smiled and reached down for his phone at his pockets and handed it to me.
"Take a picture!" He shouted. The music was too loud.
"Of what?" I asked, getting his phone from his hand.
"Us."
I secretly smiled inside me as I thought of having a picture with him. Of course I wanted it. I stretched my arms so we can both fit. I am not really into a lot of things, and taking pictures with people is one of them, but I couldn't let that ruin this perfect moment that we're having. I pulled out the best smile I could give as I clicked the camera button. After a few seconds, I checked it and smiled.
We look good together.
"Take more," Calum pleaded with a smile. "Please?"
I rolled my eyes at him and stuck my tongue out playfully. I stretched my arms again as I think of another pose. I don't want to look awkward, and stupid. I just pulled a smile, and Calum has a huge grin on his face. After taking it I didn't bother to check it yet, instead I took more and tried to pull out weird faces. He did the same thing. He wasn't looking mostly because he was driving, but his faces at the pictures I took were funny. I have clicked the camera button, and I think his camera roll is now full of our faces. I want to have them too, I said to myself. I checked the photos and we both started laughing. I couldn't even say what's funny, but we just laughed. A good kind of laugh. After getting to the last one, which was, I think, the 26th photo, Calum smiled at me again and started talking.
"One more?"
I laughed at him. "You like pictures too much."
I stretched my arms again and readied myself. I looked at his phone screen, seeing him kissing my head. I felt it; it was real. My heart started making dramatical beats but I tried to stay calm. My face turned bright pink, but I managed to hide it. I pulled out the sweetest smile I could give and clicked the camera button. This is probably going to be my favorite picture.
I handed him his phone back and rested my head as I close my eyes. 'Hungry Heart' is still playing, and my fingers are still moving to the beat. This is my favorite song, and I never thought it would be such a great jam in the car.
"I met her in a Kingstown bar
We fell in love I knew it had to end
We took what we had and we ripped it apart
Now here I am down at Kingston again..."
My eyes opened as those lyrics played. Ouch, that stung a little. I had managed to brush off away the thoughts that I've been having since this morning a while ago, but now it's all back inside my head. I don't want it to come back but I realized I need to come to think of it too. I glanced at him, he's still smiling. My heart melted in some kind of a weird way. I will miss that smile so much, I said to myself. I sighed as thoughts keep running around my mind.
He pulled over at a parking lot, and my body tensed up a bit. We're here, I'm getting closer to the end of the day. I shook my head and tried to hide everything I feel with a smile. Before I could manage to get out of the car on my own, he opened it for me. He's being too sweet.
"Want some ice cream?" Calum asked. I just nodded. "What flavor?"
"Anything," I uttered, smiling. "Just don't get me strawberry. Allergic."
He ran at the ice cream stall that is not so far away from where his car is. After minutes he came back with two cones, handing the one with a chocolate ice cream to me. A huge grin formed in my face. This is my favorite.
Without any word, he took a hold of my other hand as we started walking. I don't know but I found it very usual now. The butterflies are still in my stomach, and my heart is still screaming. But it seemed so usual. It's like my hand know his hand, it's weird. I wasn't that shocked to have him holding my hand, but then again a battle started in my mind. What could this be? Why can't I just say everything? I looked at our perfectly intertwined hands as we walk. It looked so beautiful, that it's starting to hurt my heart. I know it has to end.
We sat down at the sand near the shore and remained silent. Calum closed his eyes, looking very peaceful. I took another chance to look at him. He never failed to look beautiful, and his face is probably my favorite view. Memories of being with him started flashing back in my mind. From where we started talking, to our first kiss, to first time out together, to him saving me from Chris, to our weird fights, to our first night together, to the roller coaster, to that night I realized that I love him, up to our perfect time together few moments ago in the car. I couldn't help but smile as I think of them. Never in my life had I thought that I would be able to feel something like this. He made me happy in every possible way. As I looked back to our times together, I realized how happy he was. He was very happy, and I know he was even before I came. He had became my rock. His smiles strengthens me and helps me all through out the day. Calum is a very happy person, unlike me. I could be smiling, but inside, I'm a total wreck. I'm a complete mess, a walking disaster. I have never been in love my whole life, but not until he came into my life. I want him to be always with me, but I'd be cruel and selfish to drag him along in my horrendous life. I want to keep him, but I know he'd be better off without me. I know he doesn't feel the same, and I know if I let this thing going still, I would just make things harder to let go.
"Cal?" I said, my voice being shaky.
His brown eyes opened, meeting my gray ones. He smiled as he look at me, making my heart flutter once again. I let my heart do whatever it wants to do, because I know I will miss this too much. I locked my gaze at him and returned the smile he gave to me. He look so beautiful. I took a picture of the moment inside my head. This, I will never forget this.
"Yeah?" He finally said, taking me back to my senses.
I looked down, then back at him. "Can you do me a favor?" I uttered.
"Anything," He replied with such a beautiful smile, not taking away his eyes from me.
I took a deep breath, and in any moment, I know tears would stream down my face but I tried so hard to fight it back. I bit my lip and swallowed the big lump that had formed in my throat. I couldn't say it, but I know I had to. I looked at him slowly, meeting his warm brown eyes again. I will always love you and keep you in my heart, I screamed inside my head. I remained looking at him, and I realized it's now time to say it.
"Please don't fall in love with me."