Snape apparated more than a block away from the building he was looking for. He deliberately walked in the wrong direction and cautiously observed his surroundings. He was wearing Muggle clothes: dark-blue jeans, dark-brown boots, a dark-gray hoodie, and an old navy-blue pea coat. The hood was pulled over his head obscuring his face. When he felt comfortable that he hadn't been followed, he circled around and proceeded to Lindsay's flat. She lived on the third floor of a nicely kept but average-looking Muggle building. The people across the hall from her were arguing loudly.
Loud music was coming from Lindsay's flat and Snape, suspecting danger, drew his wand. He tested the door, which was locked and looked up and down the hallway before opening it. He entered cautiously to see Lindsay with her back to him, washing dishes. Her hair was down and a little damp. She wore only a white silk dressing gown that fell just below mid-thigh. He could just make out the silhouette of her pale skin through the thin fabric. Parts of the dressing gown were see-through where her damp hair had dripped water on it and the wet silk clung to her body. He could smell the soft scent of the gardenia perfume he'd given her. A radio sat on the counter next to her. She yelled and jumped when she saw his hand reach from behind her to turn down the volume.
"You scared the hell out of me! But I'm glad to see you anyway." She flung her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. His arms remained stiffly at his sides. "It seems odd to see you in Muggle clothes," she said as she pulled the hood away from his face. "Nice choice though—very nondescript. Tea?" He nodded curtly. "Nobody visits except Albus, and I haven't seen him in almost a month."
"The Headmaster is traveling."
"Oh, I understand. Communication is dangerous."
"So is deafening yourself with loud music, and not watching your entryways. Anyone could have come in as easily as I did. Are you trying to draw attention to yourself?"
"No, I'm trying to drown-out my neighbors. I promise I'll be more careful, but only if you promise to stay for a bit. I really need some company. I'm going crazy here by myself."
"Are you certain that no one knows of this place?" Snape turned and looked around the room before stiffly sitting down on her couch. Lindsay set about making his tea.
"Not anyone from the Order except for Albus and obviously you. As for my Muggle friends, they all know I moved into Mr. Roberts' old place. I hate this apartment. I don't know why I kept it. It was one of Adam's. He had several; some were more upscale than others depending on the quality of company he wanted to entertain. His mother sold all but this one. It was convenient while I was in college. In fact, you can see the school if you look out that window—"
"Stay away from the windows," said Snape.
"Those noisy neighbors weren't here then," said Lindsay as she placed Snape's tea on the coffee table in front of him. He sat motionless with his back stiff and his hands gripping his knees. She sat next to him, facing him, and pulled her dressing gown together over her chest where it had tried to gape. "I'm bored out of my mind. All I do is pace and eat. Something wrong, Professor, you look tense?"
Without warning Snape lurched forward and kissed her roughly on the lips. The force moved her back a little, which Snape misinterpreted as Lindsay moving away from him. He looked embarrassed and angry as he bolted up from the couch. Lindsay was sitting closer to the door and was able to head him off. "No...no...no, don't shut down on me! You surprised me. That doesn't mean I didn't like it." She tucked behind his ears the curtain of hair that was shielding his face. "Look at me. You know I'm telling you the truth. You startled me; that's all. Please...just give me another chance."
She rested her hands on his shoulders as she leaned in to gently kiss him. He was trembling. He desperately wanted to touch her, but was afraid that he would do that wrong too. His arms were at his sides, and his hands tightly gripped the sides of coat. "That was nice," whispered Lindsay as she placed his hands on her hips. Her body felt firm and warm under the light silky fabric. She rested her forehead against his and softly said, "I like you. I do." His eyes wandered away from her toward the open doorway that led to her bedroom. She took his hand and led him in.
He wanted to throw her onto the bed and have at her, but restrained himself. The guilt produced by their first encounter nagged at the back of his mind. He was determined to make this pleasant for both of them, partly to assuage his guilt and partly to relieve his lust. He wasn't sure what to do next, so he did nothing.
He watched her loosen her dressing gown, and let it slide onto the floor in elegantly cascading folds. His wide eyes traveled swiftly from her face down to her firm round breasts, each one a little more than his large long-fingered hands could hold. His eyes darted down to her flat white belly with its faint outline of muscle. His eyes traveled farther still to a small sparse tuft of dark-red hair. What he saw below that gave him goosebumps and made him swallow hard. He'd never seen that part of a woman before except in the pornographic pictures his father had tormented him with as a child. What he was seeing now looked very different from the photos that sickened him as a boy. Lin's pale-pink skin was shapely and beautiful and begged him for exploration. He felt a jolt of excitement rush through his body and a desperate urgency accompanied it.
Lin had barely moved onto the bed and he was on top of her. His pea coat and hoodie lay in a tangled heap on the floor. His hands were moving quickly up and down her body. He wanted to touch all of her at once. She cupped his face in her hands to still him long enough for her kiss him. He'd never kissed anyone before so he moved away from her rather than disappoint her with his lack of proficiency. He moved into a kneeling position and grabbed her legs to position them around him. She lay placidly with her legs widely parted, waiting for him. He was so excited that her tranquil yet purposeful invitation didn't register in his mind. He thought he was guiding her.
The thick fabric of his jeans held him firmly. A very uncomfortable pressure was building, and he struggled with trembling fingers to unfasten his belt. He thanked Merlin that he'd chosen a button fly over a zipper. Lin reached to help him, but he moved her hands away. He was frantic to get his trousers open, but had no intention of letting her see what was hidden within. He'd come too far to risk rejection.
He lay over her, leaning on one elbow while his free hand was awkwardly trying to push his trousers down. In his excitement, he didn't realize that Lin helped him. She placed her hands under his trouser waistband and gently ran her soft hands over the pale skin of his firm bottom while pushing his clothes out of the way.
Despite his barely controlled excitement, Severus made a concerted effort to be tender. He wanted this to be like lovemaking, not a repeat of their former encounter. He entered her slowly and with much more care than the first time. The slow pace was frustrating and the sensation maddening. His thrusts were gentle and rhythmic. Lin as making noises, but Severus didn't know if they were from pleasure or pain. His eyes glittered as they searched for hers, but Lin had closed them.
"Look at me, Lin."
She opened her eyes and smiled. "You're doing everything right, Severus."
Severus—it was oddly pleasant to hear her say his name. He rifled through her mind to find that he was indeed pleasing her. He'd read that women take much longer than men to climax; he'd make sure that didn't happen by sheer force of will. He'd finished quickly during their first encounter, and she hadn't finished at all. This time would be different. This time he was in control of himself, but it was getting more difficult to hold back with the sounds that Lin was making and the way she was moving under him. Her hands were travelling up and down his back; it was a pleasant sensation that he'd never felt before. He discovered that he was a little ticklish.
Lin's large blue eyes were beginning to appear emerald green to him, so he looked away. His eyes travelled down to her breasts, which was a mistake; their movement excited him too much and he felt himself getting very close to climax. It took all the self-control he possessed to stop thrusting.
Lin's hands stopped moving and her expression quickly changed to worry. "Are you okay?" Severus didn't answer. He feared looking at any part of her. She moved his hair away from his face. "It's okay if you need to stop. I don't mind."
Severus shifted position from his elbows to his hands so he was hovering at arm's length above her. He settled his breathing and began thrusting again. He avoided looking at her and stared at the wall in front of him. He wordlessly cast Muffliato so he heard buzzing in his ears instead of Lin moaning. He thought about collecting flobberworm mucus to make himself last longer, but the tactic didn't work for long. The buzzing in ears quickly turned to Lily's voice calling his name. His imagination morphed Lin's long lean body that was firmly pushing against him into Lily's shorter body. Instead of Lin's long shapely legs, he felt Lily's shorter stouter legs wrapped tightly around him. It was Lily's small hands that he felt caressing him.
He thrust harder and faster. He could feel himself getting close and feared that he'd look the fool if he came too soon. Lin's body tensed under him and he relaxed, losing himself in the moment. His body shuddered, and Severus embarrassed himself by letting out a groan. He felt Lin's body close around him and grip his manhood tightly in rhythmic pulses. He thought the first time felt good. This was bliss. His arms trembled, and he lowered himself against his will until he melted into Lin's overheated body. As the ecstasy of the moment evaporated, reality forced its way into Severus' mind and his vision of Lily disappeared. Tears welled in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.
Lin was kissing his neck and shoulder. She ran one hand up and down his back, and the other caressed the long lank hair of his head. Severus pulled himself away from her and arranged his clothes as he rose from the bed, intent on leaving. She asked him to stay, which he hadn't expected. He agreed and left the room to undress. He re-entered seconds later, covering himself with his bundle of clothes. She kept her hands over her eyes, as she said she would, and waited for him to climb into bed. She didn't laugh or make fun of him; she just waited quietly. He wore only an old, fraying, sleeveless undershirt that had once been white, and was now a dingy grey and stretched beyond its natural proportions. He pulled it as low as he could before sliding into bed next to her. He turned on his side with his back to her.
Lin moved to lie against him. She wrapped her arm around him and felt his body stiffen. She could tell that something was upsetting him, and she wasn't sure if it was anything she'd said or done, or if it was just the pressure of his responsibilities. "Relax," she whispered in his ear. She insisted on holding him. Severus tolerated it as he felt that cooperation would grant him continued access to her body. It was something he didn't think he would like as it seemed that it would be very confining; but he found, to his great surprise, that it was relaxing and made sleep come more easily. Lindsay spoke to him and touched him in ways that Lily never had, but she wasn't Lily. It was she who walked through his dreams at night, and it was Lily's face that he saw as he drifted off to sleep.
Severus knew what he'd done was selfish, and Lin would be deeply wounded when she discovered the truth about him. But he also knew that a woman as beautiful and charismatic as she could have her choice of men. She'd find someone else when this misery was over with, and she'd choose a better man than he. Severus knew he wouldn't survive the coming war. He hoped to live just long enough to tip the scales in Potter's favor. He knew death would take him to Lily, but he feared it just the same.
It was weak of him to seek solace in another's arms, but even he felt fragile sometimes. He hoped that someday Lin could find it in her heart to forgive him for using her. He hushed his nagging conscience by telling himself that he'd broken down the barrier that Adam had built inside her, and made her free to be intimate with a man without fear or reticence. It was cold comfort, but he could live with it.
Severus left before dawn without rousing Lin. He returned that evening and stayed for breakfast the following morning. He saw her as often as he could, mostly to amuse himself, but she seemed cheered by his presence and that stirred a measure of pride him. Severus was far from affectionate with her, but she welcomed him because of his determined effort to be gentle. She was patient with his nervous clumsy fumbling, which bolstered his confidence enough to explore more of her body. He didn't, however, afford her the same freedom. He kept as much of himself covered as he could, and refused to change or undress in front of her. Lin accepted his peculiarities in silent good humor.