(This chapter isn't as great I'm sorry. I tried to put as much emotion into this chapter as I could, and literally cried writing this. Listen to before or during this chapter, or not at all it's cool.)
Words fall short beginning to describe what I feel. Fear was an understatement, tension wasn't good enough, sadness just didn't meet it. I wanted to close my eyes and hide from this, but I was too stunned to even blink. I sat mouth wide, blurred vision and a feeling of extreme sickness building in my stomach.
"Oh, look at that! Taking it like a champ!"
"Suck... My... Nuts."
Another hit. Another, another and it seemed everlasting. Whether myself and Abraham had different views, disagreements, never really spoke in the past, this was truly agonising to watch. I felt powerless. How could I sit here, how could anyone sit us down and make us watch this.
"Did you hear that." The insane man in front of me laughs. "He said suck my nuts."
The hitting came again, and I had no shame in telling I flinched every time. I looked over slightly to see Rosita. She was distort, the only word that comes even remotely close. Her eyes were puffy and red, her face flushed of colour and streaks of clear running down her cheeks. Regardless of our argument earlier, I felt pity for her. I know what grief feels like and it's something I wouldn't dream of wishing on the worst of people.
"Oh my goodness." He manically laughs again, swinging the blood covered bat around making the substance appear on my Dads' face. "Look at this!"
Negan soon catches on to Rosita, knowing all as much as everyone else that he meant something to her. He would use this, and I knew she wouldn't stand for it. Especially not now.
"Sweetheart, lay your eyes on this." He insisted throwing it in front of her face. "Oh damn, were you together? That sucks. But if you were you should know, there was a reason for all this. Red, and hell, he was, is and will ever be red. He just took one or six, or seven for the team. So take a damn look... Take a damn look!"
Daryl shoots up faster than ever from beside me, running up and squaring Negan in the face. I knew this was a bad idea, I almost shot up myself out of shock. He's immediately grabbed by some other saviours and pushed onto the ground, face to the floor.
"Daryl!" Me and my Dad both yell. I choke his name out, letting sobs take over my body. There was no use in fighting this.
"No!" Negan scolds my Dad for speaking up, ignoring myself. He crouches down slowly to Daryl, putting me on edge as my breathing quickens like before. "That is a no-no. The whole thing, not one bit of that shit flys here."
Dwight runs from nowhere, Daryl's crossbow in hand aiming for him on the floor. "you want me to do it? Right here."
There were mumblings between them only they could hear before Daryl was dragged back to his place beside me. I felt a wash of relief soak me over head to toe and wanted to attack him in a hug, but I was too petrified to even move.
"Anyway." Negan stands to his feet again. "That's not how it works. Now I already told you people, first ones free. Then what'd I say, I said I would shut that shit down, no exceptions." He ambles over to my side of the line continuing on. "Now I don't know what kind of lying man assholes you've been dealing with, but I'm a man of my word."
I felt my heart physically sink, and if it wasn't enough the crushing on my chest was present also. Knocking all the wind out me, unable to have a steady rhythm to breathe with.
"First impressions are important, I need you to know me." He smiles evilly, As panic set in without warning soon I was going to be in a full blown panic attack. "So, Back to it."
I couldn't help let out a blood-curdling scream erupt from my mouth. I clawed at my neck, trying to somehow find air beneath my skin. Even the light of the cars slowed and the sounds became as if underwater. Aside from the beat of my heart, no muscle would move.
Glenn arose after the second hit, and memories flashed through my head making it physically hurt. The ooze of blood had drizzled down his face like so much rain down a window pane. I couldn't bare to look yet I couldn't help but stare. His head was split in half, his eye had popped out its socket. I begged with my mind for this monster to hit him again, set him to rest. But he didn't.
"Buddy are you still there, I just don't know." He spoke as Glenn let out the most horrific noises of pain. "It seems like your trying to speak, but you just took a hell of a hit. I just popped your skull so hard your eyeball just popped out."
"M-Maggie, I'll find you." He barely gets out, choking on his own blood.
I took my eyes off Glenn for a split second, moving them to Negan. He looked at Maggie with the fake sympathy look I've grown to know in the little time I've been here. I narrow my eye's through my tears at this repulsive thing I'm not sure I can call human.
"Stop!" I scream through tears. "Put him out of his pain!"
His head snaps to me, and I couldn't care if I was next. I didn't want to see Glenn in pain any longer, he never deserved this. He was good, he never intended for bad to come, I wanted him to find peace. He crouches slightly before me as I felt two gloved fingers touch my chin, and I forcefully jerked my head away.
He Laughs, as I choke out more sobs. "As you wish."
***
Glenn turned the old watch over and over like it was some kind of token, like he'd never seen one before. Then his soft features cracked into that old familiar grin and I just knew in the moment he forgot about the world and he was happy. Maggie made him happy and he could finally have her.
I attacked the pizza boy into a hug that he clearly wasn't expecting. He jerked backwards but returned the favour all the same, and I smiled.
"I'm happy for you Glenn, I really am."
He untangles himself from my grip, smiling at me delicately and ruffling my hair as I giggle.
***
My breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. Seconds passed as I sat there staring at the redness clouding my vision. My sobs fell silent as they came out as unsteady breaths, I had run out of hope and all things included. Why is it always someone I care so much for, why is it never me? If this was gods way of punishing me for whatever I had done, I think he can trust that he won. It's over.
Glenn never made a noise after this. The only thing I could think about was the pain, it had stopped. He didn't have to suffer anymore, but now we did. And that's the hardest part.
"Wow, was the joke that bad."
"... I'm gonna kill you." My Dad lets out. "Not today, not tomorrow, but I'm gonna kill you."
"Simon, what do we have? a knife." Negan asks, but I refuse to have interest.
"An axe."
"Simons my right-hand man, having one of those is important. I mean what do you have without em', a whole lot of work. You have one? maybe one of these fine people still breathing. Oh, or did I..."
"Sure, yeah. Give me his axe." There's silence for moments and I can see in the corner of my eye Negan standing grabbing my Dad by the collar of his jacket. "We'll be back maybe Rick will be with me, if not. Well, we can just turn these people inside out."
***
'heavy' was the only way I could define it. I had to carry it around even though I never wanted to. It was always over me, casting its shadow on my life. It was hung by a thin thread, too fragile to hold something so heavy. Most of the time I didn't know what caused the thread to finally break releasing the weight on me. It fell too fast, and before I could run I'd be pinned down. It crushed my ribs, made it hard for me to breathe. I tried to scream; a cry for help was of no use. No one else could see it - the weight that had been slowly crushing me to death. Greif.
The RV door slammed open and my Dad was chucked out of it, Negan dragging him along by his jacket. It was strange to see someone have this type of power over him, my Dad was never being shown what to do. But things were different now.
"Here we are." Negan starts. "Let me ask you something Rick. Do you even know what that little trip was about?"
He looks around at every one of us, that scared look still evident on his features. I didn't blame him, this wasn't a weakness. That would be the very last word I'd use to describe my father. He chooses to ignore Negans question, just staring into space at the ground.
"Speak when you're spoken to."
"...Okay." My Dad breathes heavily.
"That trip was about how you looked at me. I wanted to change that, I wanted you to understand. But you're still looking at me the same damn way." He smirks, looking down on him. "In your scrambled eggs, and that's not gonna work. So, do I give you another chance?"
"... Yeah, yes."
"Okay, alright. Here it is, the grand prize game." He opens his arms wide, looking around at us all. I narrow my eyes at him. 'Gran prize' have we not gone through enough? "What you do next will decide whether your crap day becomes everyone's last crap day or just another crap day."
"... Get some guns to the back of their heads." I hear the rattle of metal behind my head, which gives me the memories of being shot earlier today. My arm was still in pain, I guess I forgot about it when everything happened. "Good, now put it level with their noses. So when you fire, it'll be a real mess."
He cockily looks along the line formed, stopping at me but quickly moves on to Carl. He lifts two fingers and waving them, motioning for Carl forward. I watch as he stands up walking over to both my Dad and him. I didn't like this, and the worst thing was having no control over it. Negan gets a belt out, looking at it intently.
"You a soft ball?"
"Am I a what?" Carl snaps at him, narrowing his eyes at Negan.
"Are you a leftie?"
"No."
"Good." Negan smirks, wrapping the belt around his skinny arm and tightening it. "That hurt?"
"No." Carl replies, a little uncertainty in his voice.
"Get down on the ground kid, next to Daddy. Spread them wings." He takes hold of my Dads hat, that belongs to Carl now and chucks it behind him. "Simon... You got a pen?"
"Uh- yeah sure."
I see the pen being flung toward him as he catches it and removes the pen lid. This gave an uneasy feeling, I didn't like my little brother up there unable to defend himself, or even me there to defend him. I had thought about getting up and arguing my way to my brother safety, but as is the gunman knew behind me, he pressed it deeper into the back of my head. Negan starts drawing a straight black line on his lower arm, then I saw the axe.
"Please, please don't." My Dad implored.
"Me?" Negan laughs, standing to his feet. "I ain't doing shit. Rick why don't you take your axe, and cut your son's left arm off right on that line. Now I know you'll have to process that for a second, that makes sense. Still though gonna need you to do it, or all these people are gonna die. Then Carl dies, then people back home die, then you eventually but keep you breathing for a few years just so you can stew on it."
"Me, you can do it to me. He's just a kid, please." I beg, feeling the gun pressing harder if that was possible.
He laughs slightly, sliding his gloved hands down his beard. "You? No, that'd just be a waste of a pretty little face. Besides from the way you were holding up earlier, you'd probably die from shock just lying here." I swallow harshly, he was underestimating me. In ways this was a good thing, then he'd never see me coming when I go to kill him.
"Y-you don't have to do this, we understand, we understand." Michonne speaks beside me, tearing up a bit. I knew Carl meant a lot to her, she had seen Carl and I as her own from the day the prison collapsed.
"You understand, yeah." Negan smirks, looking down on my father. "I'm not sure Rick here does. I'm gonna need a clean cut, right there on that line. Now, I know this is a screwed up thing to ask but it's gonna have to be like a salami slice. Nothing messy, clean, forty-five degrees. Give us something to fold over, we got a great doctor the kid will be fine... probably."
"Rick, pick up the axe." Negan demands, getting impatient as a few silent tears escape my eyes. "Not making a decision, is a big decision! You really wanna see all these people die? You will you will see every ugly thing. Oh god, are you gonna make me count? Okay Rick, I'm counting."
"3!..."
"Please, it could be me. Please!"
"2!..."
"Please don't do thi-" He slaps him in the face, taking hold of his chin and looking him right in the eyes.
"This is it." He says, standing up observing what's about to happen.
"Dad... Just do it." I hear Carl faintly through the screams of my Dad.
I couldn't look anymore as he picked up the axe, holding it above his head. Why was it never me! I screamed to myself. Being a survivor, never being hurt, unscathed practically people call me lucky. Why? I wasn't lucky everyone around me either dies or gets hurt. Then it was silent. I turned my head to look at them as Negan was crouched by both of them, staring at my Dad.
"You answer to me, you provide for me, you belong to me." He forcefully grabs my Dad by the chin again. "Speak when you are spoken to! You answer to me! You provide for me!"
"Provide for you."
"You belong to me! Right?"
"... Right."
He points a gloved finger in his face. "That is the look I wanted to see."
Carl sits up slowly and I couldn't wait any longer to go to him. I was going to ask when I remembered that I shouldn't have to ask to go to my brother, he's my family. I leant away from the pistol slowly and stand up, then I felt the cold metal on my back.
"Sit down girl!" The man hisses behind me.
I swallow looking in front of me Carl, my Dad and Negan watching me intently. Negan didn't really seem to care that I was eliminating the rule. I let my eyes travel from Carl to Negan and he just smirks. I take this as my opportunity and run over crashing into my little brother holding his thin body tightly, letting a few tears slip past my eyes.
"See, I'm not a horrible man." He puts emphasis on 'horrible' and I don't bother to look, just finding comfort in having my brother. "I am respectful when it comes down to it. And look we did it, all of us together. Even the dead guys on the ground hell, they get the spirit award for sure. Today was a productive damn day. Now I hope for all your sake that you get it now, that you understand how things work. Things have changed. Whatever you had going for you that is over now."
The silence was killer, and I could feel eyes on me as my muscles tensed around Carl. What would happen next terrified me, I just wanted this to all be a dream and pinch myself awake. But this wasn't a dream no, it was a never ending nightmare.
A sigh was sounded behind me. "Dwight, load him up." I turned around fast, watching as Daryl was thrown into the black van. No. "... This one too, she's gonna replace one of my wives."
I was completely oblivious, looking around as my Dad looked at me with teary eyes. I never had time to process this as two hands grabbed me from behind dragging me away. Panic took control, this wasn't okay. I shrugged my way out trying to catch the person in the gut, but my agile movements were far too slow.
"Dylan!" My Dad shouts to me, but he never moved. He couldn't and we couldn't fight our way out of this one, I had to that this was happening and somehow deal with it.
I watched my friends and family look at me with pity as I was loaded onto the truck. The last face I managed to lay my eyes on were Carls, filled with sadness, anger but most of all revenge.