"Survivors of abuse show us the strength of their personal spirit every time they smile."
― Jeanne McElvaney, Healing Insights: Effects of Abuse for Adults Abused as Children
Request: I was wondering if I could request where (Y/N) has been emotionally abused for a good part of her life.She is still kinda young (early 20's), and she is still living at home; however, she still goes on missions. One day she is extremely depressed after her mother verbally attacked her again. The results can be either, she turns suicidal (as in doing something reckless on a mission) or she goes to her special splayed (the rooftop of the facility/wood near the facility). Bucky finds out and helps?
A/N: I've never experienced something like this myself, so this was definitely a challenge. Don't know how I did... I'll just wait for you to tell me. Also, I chose to write both, becoming suicidal and hiding out on the rooftop so, hope you don't mind.
Warning(s): emotional abuse, suicidal actions
***
I'm not good with expressing my opinions, feelings and stuff but I just feel like I should say something here before you read this imagine.
Don't keep quiet about abuse.
It doesn't matter if it's emotional , physical or sexual abuse, no matter what kind it is, it's still abuse. Nobody deserves to go through all that pain.
If you are an abuse victim, tell someone. I swear there is someone who wants to help you and if you don't take the small step to actually say something, it's harder for people to help you.
I understand it's hard to come forward and actually say something but that's what you have to do if you want help.
You deserve to get help when needed.
***
Emotional abuse.
That's something you were awfully familiar with.
In your 20 years of life, you had been emotionally abused for the most part of it. Your mother was always verbally attacking you, making you think you weren't good enough and telling you how awful of a daughter you were.
What was worse than all that was that she somehow got you to believe all the things she was spitting out with anger.
You had done nothing but try to gain her approval, her respect but it was all for nothing. She never appreciated you the way you deserved to be appreciated. She never treated you like a daughter or a human being for that matter.
You were pretty good at hiding all that since there were no visible scars to be shown to other people. The only scars you had were in your mind, bothering you everyday.
One morning your mother verbally attacked you again, it was nothing unusual but you had finally had enough. You left your house, bawling your eyes out as you made your way to the Avengers facility.
When you got to the facility, you had stopped crying. but the redness of your eyes and the sniffles that you let out every few seconds was enough proof for anyone to realize you had been crying.
As you made your way to get your gear and get ready for the mission, wiped the remains of your tears from your cheeks and stayed outside for a while, hoping your eyes weren't too red. You then let out a shaky sigh before meeting up with your teammates.
"Y/N," you heard Steve call out to you the second you opened the door. "You're late." He scolded and turned around, facing you. His eyes softened and his brows furrowed as he neared you. "Woah, what hap—"
"I don't want to talk about it." You muttered, pushing past him to grab your gear and everything else that you could need on the mission.
"Y/N—"
"Steve," you stopped him, turning to face him. "We're late." You said, successfully avoiding further questions.
***
Missions were good for you when you needed to get your mind off of something. When you had a mission, you really didn't have time to think about anything else.
You were in the middle of an intense battle, there were a lot of explosions, a lot of gunshots were heard.
Unfortunately, you got shot on your shoulder. You were hiding, waiting until the situation calmed down and you were ready to leave and go back home.
You didn't want to go back home.
You cursed at yourself while palming the wound on your shoulder, hissing at the pain.
You felt angry, frustrated tears pricking your eyes as you let your head fall back against the rock you were sitting up against, hiding from everyone.
As you sat there, cursing and crying, you were reminded of the hurtful words your mother had shouted at you in her angered state.
Useless.
That's exactly what you felt like at the moment.
You felt like you were absolutely useless. You were just sitting there, wallowing in pain as your teammates were fighting out there, risking their lives for the people in need. You were just sat up against a rock, hiding while you could have been saving the lives of many people.
You clenched your fists and lifted yourself up from the ground. Leaning against the rock for a few seconds, you waited until you felt like you had enough energy to finally run off back into battle.
So you ran towards the others, making few of your teammates look at you in confusion. "Y/N, what are yo—"
"What's going on in that building?" You asked, pointing at a damaged block of flats ahead of you, hearing people screaming inside of it.
"Hostages. Quite a lot of them."
"I'll go in." You said without thinking twice about it.
"Y/N, you can't." Suddenly Natasha was by your side. "You'll die in there."
You turned to look at Natasha, seeing her brows furrow in concern as she took a notice of the lack of emotion on your face. You turned to face the building and started walking towards it slowly, mumbling, "I don't care," before you took off running.
You heard people calling out for you, screaming your name, demanding you to get back but you didn't listen. You ran into the house, kicking the door open and rushing up the stairs, looking for hostages that weren't there.
"Y/N!" You heard your teammates call out to you through the comm in your ear. "It's a trap! Get out of there, now!"
You knew you should have done what they were telling you to do but you didn't find the willpower to do so. All you could think about was thinking what finishing this mission would lead to; Going home.
You really, really didn't want to go home.
You took the comm out of your ear, throwing it on the ground and smashing it with your foot. You ran around the building, searching for hostages that you were sure were there. You heard their screams. If it was possible for you to die, at least you could die a hero.
And I'll finally be worth something, you thought to yourself
You ran through the building, searching for people in need and as you were getting closer to the sound you realized it really was a trap. You heard the screams but didn't see anyone. You didn't have time to search for the source of the noise because you heard something crashing behind you. You turned around abruptly, seeing Bucky standing there with his metal fist punched through a wall. You didn't have time to react because he grabbed your hand, dragging you through the hole in the wall and running down the stairs.
"Grenade!" You heard someone yell as you were just about to reach the bottom of the stairs. Bucky reached his hand behind your knees and lifted you up, carrying you outside, running as fast as he could. Unfortunately the grenade exploded before you got fully out so Bucky leaped forward, turning so he shielded you from hitting the ground first. He then flipped you over, pinning you on the ground as the building crumbled, pieces flying everywhere.
Miraculously, you both survived.
You opened your eyes that you had squeezed shut and saw that Bucky was already staring down at you with bewildered eyes. He was looking at you, switching his gaze between your eyes as if he could have found the answer to his question he so desperately needed to find out.
You heard someone call out your name but you couldn't make sense of who the voice belonged to. There was ringing in your ears and your gaze couldn't focus on anything. Everything seemed to be spinning around you. You felt the weight of Bucky's body suddenly lifting from yours and you sat up, your head pounding as you placed your palm on the ground, trying to stand up but failing. You felt someone grab your arm, lift you up and leading you back to the quinjet.
You sat down, pressing on the wound you had previously gotten on your shoulder. You felt someone gently push your hand away and start to tend your wound. You turned around to see Bucky sitting beside you. He turned to look at you before turning his gaze back to the wound. "You have a lot of explaining to do." He said without taking his eyes from your shoulder.
You shook your head, sighing before closing your eyes and letting Bucky tend your wound in peace. You sat in silence as thoughts ran through your mind.
What the hell happened out there?
***
Before anyone could ask you further questions, you rushed to the shower, washing off all the dirt and dried blood that had got stuck on your skin before changing into clean clothes. You walked out, seeing your teammates gathered together, whispering something until they heard you come closer, telling them you were in the same room. They all turned to look at you at once and you exhaled slowly, starting to near the exit. Before anyone could say anything you said your goodbyes. "I'm going home. I'm exhausted." You said without meeting anyone's gaze. "I'll see you in a few days." You muttered, wondering if anybody even heard you.
You didn't wait for an answer, though. You just made your way to the elevator and hovered your finger over the button to the lobby. Your finger hovered over it for a few seconds before you finally pressed a button.
You didn't press the one leading to the lobby, quite the opposite, really. You pressed the button that lead to the top floor of the facility. You waited in the elevator until the doors finally opened. You stepped out, going up the stairs that lead to the roof. You felt the chilly wind come in contact with your skin immediately as you stepped outside, causing you to shiver. You pulled your jacket closed, crossing your arms over your chest as you went to sit near the edge of the roof.
You lied down on your back, looking up at the sky, seeing the stars hidden behind a dark cloud.
As you stared up at the sky, you thought back on the mission that had happened earlier.
You thought back on the exact moment when Nat told you you could die and your response was "I don't care."
That was so sudden, you surprised even yourself. You had never actually done anything suicidal, not even tried to, barely even thought about it but after what your mother had said to you that morning, you had had enough.
The whole flight there, you had just sat in a corner, not talking to anyone. You had just stared ahead of you, ignoring everyone and everything around you until you finally had to get up and go fight.
What the hell happened?
Before you could think about it much further, you heard the door opening behind you and you sat up, turning your body enough to see who it was. Your brows furrowed as you saw Bucky standing there with a blanket in hand.
"I saw you coming up." He said before you could question why he was with you at that exact moment. "Nobody else did, they were busy worrying about you and talking about you." He continued, closing the door and walking over to you. He wrapped the blanket around your shivering body and sat down next to you.
You didn't talk for a while. You both kept quiet while you sat on the roof, looking at the view in front of you. Occasionally you would gaze up at the stars to see the dark clouds slowly fading away, showing you the stars in all their shiny, bright glory.
"So, what's going on with you?" Bucky asked after a while of silence, making you sigh before turning to look at him. "Something is definitely bothering you."
You just turned your gaze away, shaking your head as you turned back to look at the view. You pulled the blanket even closer to you, bending your knees in front of you so you could wrap more of your body under the blanket.
Bucky sighed quietly and spoke up again. "Y/N, we're trying to help you." He said, making you finally look back at him again. "Whatever you're going through, we're here for you." He gently laid his hand on your blanket covered shoulder.
Your bottom lip quivered slightly as you turned to look at him, seeing the small smile on his face as he looked back at you.
"We're like a family and we care about you, we love you and—" Bucky was interrupted by your sobs. He quickly scooted closer to you and carefully wrapped his arm around our shoulders, not sure if you wanted the hug or not. His hand awkwardly hovered over your shoulder but finally settled on it as you turned your body to rest your head on his chest.
You continued to cry. How could you not when he said all the things you've been lacking of for your whole life. Your mother, who was your family by blood, had never told you she cared about you nor had she ever said she loved you. Hearing that from someone who's not related to you, made you feel all kinds of things.
Bucky asked you what was wrong once again and this time, you spilled your guts out to him, not sparing a detail. Being sick of hiding things to yourself, you told him everything.
It came as a shock to him, he really had no idea you had been going through something as terrible as that and he instantly felt bad for not noticing. You told him he shouldn't feel bad because the whole point was to hide everything from him and the others.
"You're not going back home."
You wiped the last of your tears and looked at him with your eyebrows raised. "What?" You sniffled. "Then where am I supposed to go?"
"Nowhere." He said simply, looking more serious than ever. "You're going to come live with us."
You pulled back slightly, looking at him in surprise. "Are you serious?"
"Of course I am."
"But—"
"I'll tell the other guys that we'll go to your mother's house and get all the stuff you need and get you settled in here."
You shook your head, not believing what he's saying, "Bucky, you don't—"
"Yes, I do need to do this. You can't go back there."
You couldn't help but smile and wrap your arms around him, hugging him. "Thank you." You said before pulling away and standing up. Bucky followed close behind as you made your way back inside.
You walked to the elevator and Bucky pressed the button to the floor his bedroom was on since there was an empty room near his. He placed his hand on the small of your back as the doors opened and guided you out.
You walked past the others as you made your way to your new room and Tony called out. "Y/N?" He asked, seeming surprised. "I thought you went home."
You looked back at Bucky who decided to speak up. "She's staying with us from now on."
"I-if that's okay." You added, pulling the blanket tighter around you.
"Of course it's okay." Natasha said and stood up. "What's wrong?" She asked and made her way to you. She opened her arms and you did the same. She hugged you briefly before pulling away.
"We can talk about it tomorrow." You said quietly, sending her a small smile. "Are you sure it's alright if I move in here?"
"Absolutely." Bruce assured you. "We're more than happy to have you here with us."
"Welcome home." Thor said with a wide smile and you couldn't help but let out a small laugh.
Home.
That's exactly where you were.
As you looked at your teammates, seeing how they happily smiled at you with a little bit of worry in their eyes you realized you were surrounded by people who genuinely care about you, you realized you were exactly where you were supposed to be; With your family.