Not waiting for a response I walked out, bag over my shoulder as I made my ways through the halls, heading out the doors into the night. Striding across I opened the door to the bus throwing my bag in and shutting it, locking it behind me. Mark was probably already in his match but I didn't care, rather spend time alone than snap on my team again. Heading back into the arena I was cooling off slowly, my head leveling out as I walked into catering seeing it empty. Grabbing some snacks I plopped onto a couch I watched the TV, seeing Mark heading out. I wasn't too focused on it, too busy thinking about everything with the Wyatt's. They threw down the ultimatum knowing I had too much loyalty to let Roman, Dean and Seth take the fall for me. Bringing my knees up I laid my head on them, wrapping my arms around my legs, letting out a deep sigh. I could still hear the TV but there were footsteps getting closer and closer and I prayed it wasn't anyone from my team, still not wanting to see them. The steps stopped in front of me but I didn't move, keeping my head down, hoping they would go away.
"I'm probably the last person in the world you want to see but I saw what happened..." Phil trailed off, sounding nervous, like he was waiting for me to snap.
"And what?" I asked, lifting my head to look at him, eyes hard but not angry, "You thought you'd try being the knight in shining armour? A shoulder to cry on? A friend?"
"Well I don't know about all that but I can see you're upset and not just because of the Wyatt's." he commented, crossing his arms over his chest, "Just because you hate me doesn't mean I don't know you."
"That's comforting." I scoffed, dropping my legs, folding one over the other, "Look no offense but you're right, the last person I want to talk to is you. We have way too much shit and I don't know about you but I don't need to pile more shit on top of that."
"Lila I'm not trying to piss you off I just need to know you're alright." He asked softly, a frown on his face.
"I'm fine. There's nothing you can do about my situation Phil so don't worry about it. I'd think you'd have more to worry about with your wedding." I said gently, turning away to look at the TV.
He let out a sigh, and I could see him running his hand over his hair like he always did when he was frustrated. My foot was bouncing rapidly, not able to do anything else about the anxiety building inside me. He was about to turn and leave when he stopped, halfway turned away from me.
"I wanted you to come out there so bad on Monday Lila, I could barely breathe" he began, making me turn, meeting his gaze, "I would have given up everything I have in this world for you to walk out."
"You knew I wouldn't," I breathed, standing up an facing him, "You knew I wouldn't leave Roman, not after I just got him back."
"I know, and I thought I would be more mad about the fact you chose him but I just miss you." He admitted, catching my gaze, "I miss being able to touch you without you flinching away from me."
I winced, feeling like a massive tool even though I knew it was for the best. Glancing at the TV I saw the end of Smackdown, missing most of Mark's match. Deciding I turned back to Phil who was watching me with unbelievable hurt in his eyes. I reached out holding his cheek gently and he brought his hand up, holding it there and closing his eyes.
"I'm sorry Phil but I have Roman and you have AJ and we just need to let go. I have way too much going on and I'm sorry but I need to go." I murmured, letting my hand slip from his face as I walked past him.
I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I walked out, throwing my garbage away as I leaned against the wall by the gorilla. My arms were crossed against my stomach as I waited, Mark walking out of the gorilla looking tired and sweaty. There was almost 30 years between us and seeing him now made me feel so much younger than I was. He looked up and saw me waiting, a smile growing on his face which I returned. He held out an arm and I hooked mine with his as we walked towards his room.
"I can tell by your face you want to talk." He commented, looking down at me.
"If you're not too tired I could really use an ear." I nodded, brushing my hair off my shoulder.
"You know I'm always ready to listen for you. Just let me get changed and we can talk." He offered.
"Sounds good." I agreed.
He went inside and I waited in the hall, crouching down against the wall. The time flew by quickly and the door opened, revealing a freshly showered and dressed Mark. Holding out a hand he pulled me to my feet, wincing as my back popped and cracked, my hand going to it.
"And you bug me about being old." He teased, making me slap him on the arm.
"Ya well if you would call off your 'brother'" I groaned, throwing up quotations with my fingers as we walked, "Then maybe my back wouldn't be making these kind of noises."
"Do you want me to take care of him?" he asked, a grin on his face.
"No," I shook my head, a smile on my face, "I was kidding, I want to do all the fun stuff myself."
"More courage than sense." He pressed his lips together, shaking his head.
I let out a laugh, hooking my arm with his as we wandered out. I knew he probably wouldn't have his bus so he must be staying in the hotel. As we walked out into the parking lot I could see the three guys heading to our bus. The door slamming caused them to turn and I looked away, knowing they were watching us walk towards the waiting vehicle. Mark turned when I jerked my head away and he looked back at me as he held the door open for me, letting me slide in first.
"I take it you wanting to talk has something to do with Roman as well." He rumbled, slamming the door behind him.
"Maybe." I said shortly, resting my elbow on the window.
He nodded, resting back against the seat as we drove towards the hotel he was staying in. We kept quiet, Mark knowing I would only open up about it once we were alone and away from everyone else. It didn't take us too long to get there in traffic and I jumped out, Mark leading the way to his room. I could see the funny looks I was getting from the staff but I ignored them walking into his spacious room. One of the perks of being there as long as Mark had was getting amazing rooms and amazing service.
"One day I will get a room like this." I grinned, walking down the steps into the little living room area, "On top of that I will have nothing but men serving me in leather pants and bowties."
"Well I don't know about bowties or leather pants but would you like a drink?" he asked, standing by the bar.
"Just water is fine Mark thank." I laughed, and he walked over handing me a bottle of sparkling water, holding a beer for himself.
"So October tell me, how is your life falling apart around your ears this time?" he smirked, throwing his feet up on the coffee table between us, "It never fails. You're always in the thick of the trouble no matter when I see you."
I was about to open my mouth and deny what he said but I realized that he was right. He had been around when I debuted here and when we were getting closer was when I was fighting against the Authority. Then again we were talking when I quit, walking out on Roman and my career. Now here I was again, dealing with Phil and Authority and the Wyatt's on top of that. I snapped my mouth closed seeing his smug smile.
"I don't even know where to start," I sighed, resting my head in my hand, "I think everything has been deteriorating since I've got back and now I'm realizing the extent of the damage."
"The damage to your life?" he raised an eyebrow.
"The damage to me," I murmured, raking my long fingers through my hair seeing him sit up, "I'm not exactly sure when I got so jaded."
"You're not jaded October, you're cautious, there's a huge difference." He argued, elbows on his knees.
"Ya cautious, that's how I managed to let the Wyatt's get in my head so much that I pissed off Dean, Seth and Roman." I laughed, my voice sounding cynical even to me, "That's how I let Phil hide the fact he was back with AJ right under my nose."
Mark let out a breath, eyes wide as he listened me to me, tapping the top of his bottle. I stretched my legs out, resting them on the table as I calmed myself down, feeling myself getting worked up. Taking a few calming breaths he waited till I calmed down before speaking again.
"So what started first, Shield or Phil?" he asked, voice calm.
"Oh God I don't know. I wasn't even officially back when I was getting on Shield's nerves but look at me now. I mean I'm in Shield, they're my team. Phil promised he wouldn't leave me for AJ but when she came back that's the first thing he did and I don't think I have ever felt that betrayed in my life." I admitted, picking at the corner of my nails.
"As you should be, October you had your best friend break a promise and it'd be hard to come back from that. So you have to let it go, otherwise it's just going to poison what you have now." He said gently, coming to sit on the chair next to me.
"I think it already is poisoning us and I don't know how to stop myself." I confessed, meeting his gaze.
"What do you mean?"
"The Authority had control of Shield and they turned their back on them for me. That's why I joined them because they cared and they knew that being the only single Diva made me an easy target. I care about them so much in such a short amount of time but whenever they try and protect me and make promises I lash out. I don't want to hear them because I'm so afraid." I trailed off, pressing my fingers against my mouth, stopping from the shake in my voice.
"What are you so afraid of that you don't want them to help you?" he questioned, taking my free hand in his, "Why are you lashing out when they're doing the exact same thing you would do for them in a heartbeat? I can see it on your face that having anything happen to them would kill you."
"Because Mark, what if they do what Phil did?" I pleaded, voicing my fears out loud for the first time, "What if they promise to protect me and make sure nothing happens to me but they turn around and hand me over at the first sign of trouble? I can't fully trust them and it's tearing us apart. Dean was right, I'm always ready to run at the first sign of a betrayal and God help me I can't stop."
"October calm down." He soothed, grabbing my cheek holding me still, my eyes wide and frightened, "You know these men, better than you know anyone else right now. Don't you think they know you the same, despite holding out on them? You've known Roman a few years shy of a decade, he knows you're hurting."
"I don't want to do this to them, I am just so damn afraid to be hurt again." I closed my eyes, holding his wrist in my hand.
"You can't be afraid. You have to let them trust you and you have to trust them just as much. Otherwise you're still all alone." He stated simply.
"Did you see what happened tonight in that ring, when the Wyatt's came out and gave me the ultimatum?" I asked, opening my eyes finding his blue ones worried and searching my face.
"I was watching, I saw how they were protecting you. They had you surrounded and by the looks on their faces they would die before they let those weirdoes touch you." He nodded, dropping his hand but holding mine.
"Dean literally dragged me out of that ring, Seth walked me into that locker room and Roman asked me to swear to never let me give myself up to them, even if it meant saving them." I informed him, watching his face, "I said no because I can't. How can I stand by and watch knowing I could help them but not able to because of a stupid promise?"
"Because they care about you and you care about them." he sighed, "October this is trust. They're trusting you to keep your promise in exchange for you to trust them that they would never let you get into that situation in any case. This is the defining moment where you can suck out the poison that's leaking into these relationships from your last one. Don't let Phil take away what could be the greatest thing in your life. I see how they look at you, admiration, pride, joy."
When he phrased it that way I could see why they were getting so frustrated with me. It seemed like I didn't trust them to keep me safe but it wasn't that at all. I just didn't want to watch them get hurt but if we stuck together there would be no way for that to happen and no way for me to have to break my promise. IT was an exchange of trust but because of me I gave them reason not to trust me. Looking back to Mark I could see in his face that he saw me get it. Leaning back he patted my hand with a smile.
"You're like some kind of guardian angel in my life that comes when either step I make could cause my whole world to come crashing down," I mused, sitting up, "Then you come along and make me see the path that was literally right in front of my this whole time."
"I wouldn't say angel." He chuckled, and I laughed with him, knowing his persona all too well.
"You're so right like always." I shook my head, finishing my water and throwing it in the garbage before standing up.
"I have my moments, you going back to your boys?" he grinned, standing up with me.
"I have some things to clear up now. Hopefully they forgive me for snapping on them earlier." I frowned, walking to the door, Mark opening it.
"Well if they're anything like you said I'm sure everything will be fine." He reassured me, hand on the door, "Now give me a hug, I don't know when I'll be back."
"I'm sure it'll be the next time I have a crisis." I joked seeing him roll his eyes.
Standing on my tiptoes I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him tightly. He was very gentle with me, almost as if he was afraid to break me and I closed my eyes, wishing he could stay longer. There was so much I wanted to tell him but never enough time to do it.
"Mark I never know what to do without you and it sucks that there is never enough time to tell you how much you mean to me." I whispered in his ear, throat choked up, "I just hope you know how much you mean to me."
"Probably as much as you mean to me, just don't forget that this is what you chose in life. Make it fun October, don't dwell on all the negativity." He murmured before letting me go.
"I'll try. My next match I'll win it for you." I winked before walking out, throwing him my signature cheeky smile seeing him shake his head in amusement.
Heading to the lobby I walked out into thenight, hailing a cab. The whole trusting Roman, Seth and Dean was weighing onme and I thought long and hard about it on the ride back. They trusted me andit was only fair for me to be able to trust them just as much.,Q^ao