Clove's POV
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21 March 3115 (4 months after previous chapter )
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"Just one more push Clove!" My nurse assures me.
I wheeze once more, I shut my eyes, bite my lip and stop the circulation in Cato's hand by squeezing it.
I push my feet against the metal bed bar. I let out a scream of pain. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead.
Cato whispers more encouraging words to me but my yelps of pain block them out. I feel a ball of pressure build up in my stomach, I know it's Asher.
I make really weird "In, out. In, out." breathing sounds. I furrow my eyebrows as I try to build up the strength for the next push.
Asher is one big baby.
A few pieces of hair fall down from my messy topknot and stick to my sweaty face.
It feels like my insides are being ripped out, it feels like my, em woman area is being torn to shreds by claws.
And the thing is that I'm not exaggerating. He needs to get out, like right now. I know that I'm in labour on my dew date but I don't think I could've lasted another day.
"His head is out, okay?" My nurse, Lita tells me. "You're doing brilliant, just one more push and he'll be out!"
"I can't-" I pant loudly, I curl my toes and scream again. "I'm so tired."
"Of course you can do it baby girl!" Cato cheers me on but I let out another painful yelp in return.
"Are you ready to meet your baby, Clove?" Lita asks me. I breath heavily. "What did you say you were going to call him?"
"A-A- Oww!" I hiss. "Asher Kale." I manage to rush out quickly.
"Kale?" Lita asks, I can see that she's trying to keep my mind off the pain.
"Short for Kalen, my brother- he died." I sob while my tears mingle in with my sweat.
"Oh I'm sorry Clove. On the count of three, you're going to give me a nice, big push to get little Asher out of there. It's like he doesn't want to leave." She chuckles.
"One, Two-" Lita begins and I feel very woosy. My head is spinning and her face is beginning to blur. "Three!"
I squeeze Cato's sweaty hand and try my hardest to push Asher out. I pant loudly as I force every bit of strength in my body that's left to focus on getting him out. I scream hysterically, violently.
And then, there's the most unusual feeling of relief in my abdomen. The tearing claws have stopped and it feels like my pregnant belly is already starting to go back to how it normally was.
I know it's not though. I reopen my eyes and I let go of my lip. I look up through my lashes at Lita who is holding the baby, a baby, my baby, our baby, our son.
"Hello Asher Kale, welcome to the world." Lita says gaily.
"Can I hold my baby? I gasp.
"Let me wrap him up first for you, let's keep this precious little boy all safe and warm."
Cato stands up and uses the piece of cloth to wipe my forehead dry. He then kisses my forehead and strokes the side of my face.
"You did it Clo, you did it. I'm so proud of you, I love you so much-" he compliments me but is cut off my Lita and a few of the other midwives.
"Oh no!" she breathes. "Gia! Get me a stethoscope!"
"What?" Cato demands while pushing himself up and leaving me. He power walks over to Lita and the other midwives. "What's going on, what's wrong with him?"
"Asher?" I whisper, almost inaudibly. I can feel myself getting lighter again, I can't slip away now! Asher! "Cato!" I whisper-yell as everything and everyone fade into darkness.
"Clove!" Cato panics. He screams some words at me that don't register in my mind.
"Felicity! Get me an oxygen mask, and quickly! Stat!"
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I manage to awaken from my sleep by opening my left eye. I catch a glimpse of Cato who is sitting on a chair beside my bed. His head is resting on the metal bar.
"Cato?" I croak. He jumps up, startled. His hair is flattened and it falls over his eyes. He brushes it back with his hand to reveal his red, patchy eyes.
"Cato, what's wrong?" I ask him.
"Clove, baby-" he begins but then I realise something.
"Where am I?"
"You don't remember?" He gasps. "The amnesia-"
"No Cato!" I scold. "Why am I here? This isn't the maternity ward, where am I?"
"Let's not go there Clove." He speaks while looking away from me.
"Asher? Where's my baby?" I panic while trying to get up out of the bed.
"The nurses have him. You passed out after you gave birth."
"Is he alright? How much does he weight? Does he look like me or you? Does he have blue eyes? Blonde hair? Did he take that sound and sight test? Did he pass? Is he deaf? Is he blind? Both? Did Nazera meet him yet?"
"No, she didn't." he says in monotone. I raise my eyebrow at him. Why is he acting so strange?
"Does he have ten fingers and ten toes? Is anything wrong with him? Does he have eczema? When can I meet him?"
"Clove-" Cato interrupts.
"Will you bring him in?" I beg.
"Clove I-" Cato begs me to stop but at this stage, I'm getting very, very annoyed.
"Cato, please! I just want to see my son! Please?" I pout and I can feel my eyes beginning to well up with tears.
"Clove, baby please don't do this to me." He replies in an equal level of distraught.
"Don't do what, Cato? You've seen him, you've bonded with him, he knows your face. I don't even know what he looks like? I want my baby!"
"Clove he's dead."
"W-what?" I gasp while pushing myself up even more. I can feel every single muscle in my body stiffen. My eyes widen and my hands clutch the metal rail of my bed.
"He's dead Clove." Cato repeats to me and I can see him begin to break down before my eyes.
The only other time I saw him cry is when I told him that I was dying with stage four ovarian cancer.
"Why- How- How is he dead?" I spit at him, accidently of course. I don't want to make him feel worse in anyways.
How could Asher be dead? I got a scan two weeks ago, I heard his heartbeat, I saw him move around in my abdomen.
I don't think he's telling me the truth, honestly. He must be lying to me, he- my baby!
I carried Asher for nine months, since last June. I made it through the Quarter Quell, I made it through the Victory Tour, I made it through morning sickness and the Braxton hicks.
I went to a scan every two weeks since I woke up. I didn't drink alcohol, I took vitamin tablets, I took every precaution there is to take when you're pregnant.
I taste the salted tears before I notice that I'm even crying. But why wouldn't I cry?
"He was stillborn." Cato bites his lip.
"I killed him?" I whisper, Cato hands ne a handkerchief and I cover my face with it. I sob loudly into the cream fabric.
Cato rests his hand on my bare arm. I flinch and push him away from me. "Don't touch me!"
"You didn't kill Asher, Clove. He died naturally due to unknown causes in his mothers belly. He was feed all the time and he was nice and warm. He was safe and healthy-"
"You see you just said it Cato!" I interrupt. "He was. He's dead, I killed him. The unknown cause is me, I must've done something to cause his death. I failed Cato, I failed as a mum."
"No you didn't-" he tries to comfort me. I rub my eyes. I ppace my hand over his on the bed rail.
"I did. That's what Nazera was given to me. Because no doubt I probably am infertile. I'm not meant to be a mother, I'm a destructive, thing. I'm bread to kill, not to breed."
"Baby stop it. It's alright Clo, it's gonna be okay-"
"No it's not!" I yell into his face. "I'm sorry for what I did, I really am, but I-"
"You didn't do anything Clo. You did everything by the book, it was not your fault that- eh that happened. Don't you ever think that what happened was your fault, because it wasn't."
"No Cato!" I holler, my voice shaking and my vision blurring with many tears. This is all my fault. I killed my own son. "And I'm truly sorry that I caused your son to die. I don't- don't know what I did-"
"You don't have to apologise." Cato assures me and I let go of his hand, I rub my eyes again. "This isn't your fault, we can get over this."
"Really? Would you think so?" I snap at him while swinging my legs over the bed.
"Yes, I do Clo." he states.
"I think it's a car crash! This is payback for what I did in the games."
"Clove stop it baby!" Cato complaints, he's getting rather annoyed at me now. "Where are you going?"
"To see my son, is that a problem?" I implore sarcastically.
I don't give him time to respond, I walk barefoot towards the room where they keep the dead babies. It's next to the room where Asher should be.
The live baby room.
It's pretty easy to find, Asher is the only baby in there which I'm thankful for. I don't want to walk into a room of grieving parents.
I push open the door and shut it behind me. I can just barely make it over to his cot before I stumble to the ground in tears.
I pull myself onto the woodem rocking chair that is next to his cot. I peer over the rail and see my baby boy.
I scoop him up in his arms and survey him. He's quite heavy, like I expected him to be. He has the most beautiful, soft, smooth, clear, tanned skin like Nazera. He doesn't have a blemish which makes me smile sadly.
He has a big mop of brown hair on his tiny little head. He has the cutest button nose, also like Nazera. His eyelashes are so long they almost touch his eyebrows.
His lips are like Cato's, a light pink. I ever so gently lift up his eyelid to see Cato's eyes staring back at me.
His hands are so small, even though he's a big baby. His fingers are like round, little sausages, his fingernails are thw the size of a grain of rice.
He's so perfect, he's like Nazera. I bring him up to my chest and reat his head on my shoulder.
"Hello, hello darling. I'm your mummy, my name's Clove and your name is Asher. Asher Kale. Do you like it?
"You've met daddy, have you? Have you met Nazera? She's you're big sister. I'll bring her in soon. You'll love her."
He's dressed in one of the baby grows that Roni had bought me. She bought me so much clothes and shoes. It's a light blue with white buttons. It has a whale over his heart with a big smile on his face.
I begin to cry again and I soak his baby grow. I rub his back like I would do to Nazera when I'm winding her.
"I love you Asher baby, I love you so much. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you. I'm really sorry, I truly am my love."
I begin to wheeze into his tiny, yet big body. I cuddle him and bring my knees to my chest and rest him between them.
I bite my lip to prevent the loud sobs that I know will come out if I don't. I squeeze my eyes shut and a few tears trickle down my face.
"I'm sorry Ash, I'm so so sorry and I'll never, ever forgive myself for whatever I did to you. I'll always remember you, and I'll always love you. I'm so- sorry."
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23 March 3115
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"We gather here today to mourn the loss of the short lived gift that is Asher Kale Emerson. A gift sent by our one saviour; God.
"What happened to Asher was no ones fault. It wasn't a fault in the universe. He was needed up there but we're all unaware of why."
Roni lets out a sob and rubs her pregnant belly. I bite my lip as a tear slowly dances down my face. I quickly wipe it away.
"Sorry-" she whispers to me and clutches my hand tightly. Cato sits on my right. Stiff and silent. I know he said he doesn't blame me for what happened but it feels like he is.
Things haven't been the same between us. I miss him so much but I can't forgive myself.
"As Asher's body descends into the core of the earth, his soul shall ascent and Asher shall be greeted by God with open loving arms.
"My brothers and sisters, I will look down on you from up above. Do not mourn for me, celebrate my life, like I would. And together we say; -" The priest begins and I bow my head.
I begin to sob violently once more, I look at Asher's tiny coffin from under my eyelashes. I fiddle with my fingers as I drown myself in self pity and guilt.
"Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness." Everyone says in a low muffled voice.
"Now, let Asher descent into the ground where he shall be warm and safe. God shall love him and bless him, protect him from harm and raise him up."
The wooden coffin begins to descent into the ground. That's my baby!
I stand up and walk over to the deep pit. I kneel beside it and peer over the edge. His coffin hits the bottom and I squeak.
"Stop! No that's my baby boy! That's my baby! My baby, oh my baby!" I sob loudly and everyone looks at me with sympathetic faces and sad smiles.
One by one, everyone drops in a flower for him. I look over once more to see the covered coffin.
"My baby-" I stutter as I drop over a blanket to keep him warm and a picture of Cato, Nazera and my pregnant self so he'll remember that we love him.
People begin to shovel in the soil, that slowly but surely covers the glowers and our tokens.
"Stop it please!" I beg them all. "My baby! My baby!" My voice cracks.
I begin to claw at the grave as the dirt level rises to meet my weeping face. I throw myself over it and curl up in tears.
I don't care what anyone thinks or says. The same men sprinkle grass seeds over the grave and one hits the headstone into place in the middle of the meadow. A ten minute walk from our house.
Surrounded my daffodils, stands his grey headstone. Cato coils his arms around me and tries to pull me back.
I scream and kick and shout at him. "My baby!" I hiss. "No Asher!"
And on his headstone reads the simplest, yet scariest words I've ever read;
Asher Kale Emerson.
Born and Died on the 21st of March 3115
A son, a brother, a grandson and a nephew.
Gone from our lives, but not our hearts.
Mummy and Daddy and Zera love you Ash.
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I catch my reflection in the mirror in the hallway. My eyes are red and puffy. My hair is messily pulled into a bun.
I have a black, just-above-the-knee length dress on with a sweetheart neckline and capped sleves.
I have black heels on and all my jewellery. I have one of those black fishnet headpieces you wear to funerals on that covers my eyes.
Clara made it for me. Herself, Clayton and Darcy came up for the funeral. There was a big group there.
My fingers play with a completely sodden handkerchief that I haven't let go since Cato had told me.
My legs are like jelly and I feel so guilty for something that I don't know how it happened. I shake and whimper quietly.
"Mummy?" Nazera asks me in her little black dress. She walks over to me and tugs on my dress.
I bury my face in my hands as Cato walks into the room. "Are you okay, Clove?"
I don't answer, not yet anyways. I cry quietly into the palms of my hands. I'm a horrible person, I really am.
"Clove?" he asks again.
"I think you should go."
"Go? Go where? I live here?" he mutters.
"Please, just go. I want to be on my own. I don't want you here-" I say before I break down all over again.
"But-" he sighs. "Will I take Nazera?" he says harshly. I give him a slight nod.
He scoops her up and walks out without another word. He slams the door behind him.
I pull off my heels and crawl upstairs to Asher's room. It's light blue with a picture of a stork carrying a baby. It has a cot, a wardrobe, a changing area, a play pin and a feeding chair.
I sit on the rocking chair, made for feeding and grab his brown teddy. It has a button nose like Asher.
Asher.
I scream angrily and cry into that teddy bear in Asher's room that was fully prepared for him arrival. I had clothes and toys and everything.
That teddy bear doesn't give me much relief, but just enough that I don't drown and die in my sorrows.
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A/N; Hello my lovelies! This was so hard to write and it's really sad. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. This is such a touching subject.
Fan; if you pity them.
Vote; if you thought he would make it.
Comment; your initial reaction.
Next update; Monday.
Clf xxx
Cheers! ;)