Syler could begin to feel his brain unraveling itself. He truly started to fear the ability of what his mind was able to do and conjure up. He was scared of how fast he was starting to become consumed by his nightmares. Syler wasn't a violent person, he never was. He was never one to pick fights in the playground as a kid. He never had a violent encounter during his middle school years, yet now the thought of murder had started to cross his mind. The power. He had the ability to take another human's life. The speed is what truly scared Syler, how fast he was able to kill. He'd watched the hooded creature kill in mere seconds many times. Syler was still in control of his own thoughts for the most part, but he started to get to points where he felt as if his brain had been consumed. He started to get headaches every once in awhile. He described them more as migraines, they made his head pound, and Syler found them to be uncomfortable. He refused to take pain medication when they did occur, as he didn't want to end up becoming dependant on the pills as well as his already well-developed cigarette habit. He was already destroying his body with everything he was doing, and he knew that if he started on the pills he'd just end up overdosing on them one day. Syler wasn't too keen on that at this moment He was already in pain with what he was doing. He felt the pain in his stomach. He knew it wasn't something healthy. He could feel his body fighting him. He knew he was killing himself, that had started to become Syler's intent. He wanted to keep control of something. If he couldn't keep control of his own thoughts, he made sure he was in control of something else.
Syler felt a sharp pain beginning to beat in his head. He sighed as that meant something was bound to happen. He looked up at the ceiling, hoping that would be the safe haven. He hoped his mind would not create anything that was hiding on the ceiling. He clenched his fist to try and distract himself from the pain of his head. The only way he knew to rid of his pain was to create a new source of pain in a different part of his body. He felt a difference between controlled pain and uncontrolled pain, and Syler felt enjoyment from inflicting pain on himself. He used it to distract himself from the pain that everything else caused. He had grown to love blood when he was the reason the blood was leaking. Syler could feel the shadows beginning to tear at his unconscious mind. He felt the migraines were a sign that they were unraveling his brain, and so he feared them. He wished they would go away. He truly didn't know what to feel really. He felt lost most of the time. His mouth was starting to lose its' ability to form completely coherent sentences. Sometimes he would have trouble forming words, he would stumble over his words and stutter. Syler knew these signs. He knew they were signs of danger, of psychosis. He wasn't blind to what was happening to him. He just truly didn't know how to stop it.
Syler watched a shadow form on the ceiling. It crawled on all fours and it seemed to be searching for something. Syler's heart began to beat and his migraines worsened. He clenched his fist, digging his nails into his skin. He felt hopeless. He watched the shadow scurry on all fours in haste until it was right above him. It turned its head to face him. Its' eyes were glowing a bright red, which was something Syler had never seen on a shadow before. He knew this one was a menace to him. He began to claw at his wrist with his other arm to try and get the shadow to leave. He watched it pull its' back feet off of the ceiling, and then the rest of itself. It manifested itself onto Syler's bed, and it stared at him. Its' limbs seemed to have disappeared into its' shadowy body. Syler dug his nails deeper into his skin as his head had begun to pound, it felt as if there was a nail being driven into his skull. He heard the creature begin to speak. It was mainly nonsense to him, but he began to make our words from the long monologue that was coming from the shadow's long, beak-like, mouth. He began to make out words.
You are never safe. No one is safe. Danger lies where you walk. Nothing is safe
Syler heard a deafening ringing in his ears as well. His nails kept digging into his skin. He wanted to scream. He wanted them out of his head. He wanted the shadows to leave him alone. He wanted to breathe for once without feeling like he was suffocating in the air that surrounded him. Syler wanted to feel alive again, at least for a couple of days. He didn't want to feel as dead as he did, but nothing could truly help him. He knew he was too far gone. He knew once he hit crisis point, there would be no return.
Syler felt the migraine begin to resolve itself and the shadows that occupied his room started to migrate back into the corners. He started to feel a sharp pain from his wrist, where he had dug his nails into. He turned his head to look at the wounds. They were bleeding and had already stained the bed sheets. Syler had started to learn how to hide the stains from people. He had enough of them from wounds that had opened in the past or from nosebleeds. Syler placed his pillow over the stains and he started to pull the strength he had in himself and attempted to stand up from his bed. The minute his weight shifted from the bed to his feet, he nearly fell over. His body had started to lose its' ability to hold him. He knew it was from his habit of eating close to nothing and throwing his guts up almost daily. His legs could barely hold even his minuscule weight anymore, they tended to collapse under him many times. He sometimes lost the ability to get out of bed at all some days.
It had been two weeks since Syler had lost his virginity to Lauren. He had seen her a couple of times in the week. She was the only person who even brought an ounce of happiness into his world. Zane had not attempted to communicate to Syler ever since Syler had stopped coming in to work shifts. Syler felt this was out of spite towards him. He felt everyone was plotting against him. Syler didn't feel safe around anyone anymore, except Lauren. He trusted her with every ounce of his existing being. The parts of him that were not consumed by the shadows. He could barely recognize his own thoughts from the thoughts of shadows. They were beginning to feel as if they were the same, and he wasn't truly human anymore. Syler felt like he was dying. He felt like his soul was dying and every piece that broke off was replaced with something else.
The sun was now shining in through the window of Syler's bedroom. He forced himself to turn his head towards the window, hoping it would help him relax his heart again, as it was still palpitating from earlier. He soon found the strength to stand on his legs, so he walked to the bathroom so he could treat the deep wounds that his nails caused. He caught a glimpse of himself in his mirror while wrapping up his arms. He could barely recognize himself. He looked washed out, his skin was almost completely gray. His eyes had deep bags underneath them. Syler found that he looked dead. Completely dead, but he didn't care anymore. He was hoping his habits would kill him anyway. He didn't see himself living a life, especially not like this. He truly couldn't find happiness, and the only one who could ever make him smile even in the slightest was Lauren. Syler felt he was truly gone now. He didn't feel human anymore. He was seeing more and more of the hooded figure in his own actions and himself. Syler felt his personality draining into the hands of his delusions.
He felt his stomach growl in protest to his denial for food, Syler wished dearly that his stomach would settle. He didn't want to put anything into his body, as he feared it would feed the maggots that he swore swam in his blood. He knew the hunger wouldn't go away, and it would truly only get worse from this point, so he ended up giving into his body's cues. He shakily made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he heard sizzling from a pan. It meant that someone else was in there. Syler didn't want to be seen, yet he knew he'd be seen eventually anyway. He gathered himself and made his way into the kitchen. His mother was working on her laptop and Jess was preparing something in a pan.
"Good morning, Syler." His mother greeted him as he walked into the kitchen. He groaned. His legs began to hurt from walking, but he knew he had to just plow himself forward. He grabbed a bowl from one of the cupboards and he grabbed a packet of instant oatmeal. He could stomach this, and it had become one of the only things that he could stomach anymore. He could only keep down oatmeal and yogurt. Anything else that he would put into his body, he would just puke it back up again. He felt his organs failing him from this, but he lost the energy to try and stop it.
"Do we still have some yogurt?" Syler asked, and his mom nodded.
"Yeah. I put them in your drawer of the fridge so nobody else would eat it." His mom explained, and Syler grabbed a cup out. He grabbed a spoon, microwaved his oatmeal and he walked back to his room. He realized his mom had stopped caring about forcing food down his throat. She knew it was just going to come back up, she had heard Syler puke numerous times. She had given up, and so she just tried to find things that Syler could keep down. Syler wanted to thank her for that. He appreciated her kindness towards him and his spiral.
Syler sat on his bed with his laptop near him. He decided to listen to Code Orange for a bit to take his mind off of the food he had to choke down. He put on the song Unclean Spirit and then he started to take small spoonfuls of oatmeal onto his spoon and placed them into his mouth. Syler spent a good hour trying to eat his oatmeal, and every bite it seemed he was fighting himself more and more. He finished the bowl at 10:23 am. Syler found a fascination in time, so he tended to time himself sometimes when he was doing tasks. He used it as a means of distraction from anything else. He opened the lid on the small cup of yogurt and he started to spoon small spoonfuls into his mouth. Yogurt was the only thing that didn't force him to choke it down. He ate the small spoonfuls with ease. The music distracted Syler's mind from the feeling of swallowing, which was what helped him keep it down. He finished the yogurt fast and he threw the empty container into the trash can by his bed. He sat for a little bit, making sure his body could digest the food. He had to make sure to not to move his torso for a couple of minutes, because he knew that if he did, he'd just puke again. Syler heard footsteps come near his door, and he sighed. He didn't want to speak to anyone, especially not at this moment, but there was no knock. The door opened, and he felt a warm embrace around him. Syler had forgotten that Lauren had offered to visit that day, and Syler had agreed. He had an awful memory at this point. He forgot mostly everything, he could barely remember names of people that were close to him. He remembered Lauren's and Zane's. He remembered his immediate family's, but other than that, he couldn't remember anything.
"You're so cold." Lauren observed. Syler felt her sit beside him on his bed.
"I'm a little sick, I guess." Syler fibbed, and Lauren felt his forehead.
"You're not running anything." She said, and Syler placed his hand on her's. He lowered it down towards the bed, and then he grabbed it.
"I don't know, I feel like garbage really." Syler said. He felt so calm when he was in the presence of Lauren, she made him forget of anything he had worried about in the hours before.
"I hope that you feel better soon then." Lauren wished to Syler, and Syler let his face crack into a small smile. He quietly chuckled at the thought of feeling better. He truly knew that it would all only get worse from this point onward. He was losing himself to this hooded creature and the shadows. He knew he was losing himself.
"I do to." Syler fibbed, his sentences short. He could feel his speech slur as he spoke, which he knew was a side effect from the starvation he had induced on his body. He laid his head on Lauren's shoulder. His head felt heavy, and Syler had trouble holding it up sometimes. He felt Lauren pull some hair out of his face.
"Are you sure you're ok?" She asked, concerned. Syler nodded his head from her shoulder.
"I promise you." He lied. He knew he wasn't, but he didn't want to break Lauren's heart by telling her he wanted to die, and that he was practically dead already.
"I really hope you're telling the truth, I would hate to see you suffer." She said. Syler put his arm around her waist to let her know that he would keep her close to him. He really wished things weren't the way that they were, but he knew that now it was far too late to change anything.
"I promise you, I am." Syler said and Lauren let her fingers caress Syler's cheek, which was deeply sunken in, and his skin was dry and felt unpleasant to the touch. Lauren tried to ignore it so she wouldn't upset Syler even more.
"I love you. You know that?" Lauren said, hoping she would make Syler feel better, even just for a little bit. Syler smiled and he lifted his head from her shoulder and he faced her.
"I love you to, dearly." He said and he kissed her nose gently. Lauren kept her arm around Syler to comfort him.
"You're so cold, are you sure you don't want a blanket?" Lauren asked and Syler nodded.
"I'm fine, really." He said and Lauren hugged him, hoping it would comfort him a little. She knew he was lying, but she didn't want to say anything to him that would upset him, so she stayed silent and just gave Syler some affection to show him that she cared for him. Syler could feel his stomach start to turn. He knew the unexpectancy of Lauren's embrace caused panic to have set in. He knew he was going to end up puking somewhere, so he got up on his shaky legs and he made his way to the bathroom, masking the struggle that he felt with every step that he took. Lauren grew concerned for him, she knew he wasn't at all ok, and she noticed how much weight he'd lost and how his legs could barely hold him. She felt sorry for him, and she knew that she couldn't help him.
Syler sat by the toilet, he was awaiting the moment where he did puke his guts out. It seemed to take forever, but once he had pressed on his stomach once, he heaved the oatmeal and the yogurt he had eaten earlier into the toilet along with stomach acid, which had left a burning sensation in his throat. He clutched on to the toilet bowl as he coughed. The acid had left his throat with a tickling, which is what caused the coughing. Lauren had heard it, and she grew deeply concerned. She made her way into the bathroom. Her eyes were on Syler, who was coughing into a toilet bowl in a room that reeked of puke. She wasn't shocked at all. Lauren just walked over towards him. She laid a hand on his back as he was coughing, hoping she could get the coughing to subside. Syler looked up at her.
"Sorry you had to see this." He apologized to her and Lauren stood up to fill the glass that was in Syler's bathroom with water. She handed it to him so that he could rinse his mouth out, she then handed him some gum and helped him up off of the floor. He shakily stood up, Syler walked towards the window in the bathroom, and he opened it to let the smell of the puke air out. Lauren handed him her hand and she helped him walk back towards the bed. Syler ended up wanting to go to the roof instead. He offered Lauren a cigarette, and she accepted. The two lit their cigarettes. Syler looked down, his face red with embarrassment. Lauren placed her hand on his back to comfort him.
"Syler. I just need to know if that was done on purpose or not." Lauren said, her voice began to shake. Syler took a drag of his cigarette and exhaled slowly.
"Both." He said. Lauren took his hand. She held it tightly in hopes that it would comfort Syler enough to explain himself.
"What do you mean?" Lauren asked. Syler looked up at the sky. The sun was covered by the clouds now, and the sky was gray, dull, it reminded Syler of everything that his life was coming to.
"I did it both on purpose and because I felt sick." Syler explained.
"Are you sure you're ok?" Lauren asked and Syler shrugged.
"Frankly, I don't know." He confessed to Lauren. Lauren's fingers were stroking Syler's hand, she hoped it would help comfort him enough so that she could get a solid answer.
"I mean, you're barely eating and purging." Lauren pointed out. Syler shook his head.
"I'm not anorexic if that's what you think. I'm not doing this with any intent that they have." Syler explained to her.
"Then why?" She asked. Syler shrugged.
"It's hard to explain." He said, trying to mask everything that he was feeling. He wanted to spill everything to her, but she'd leave him if he did. Syler couldn't risk the only beacon of happiness he had left. He looked down.
"What is?" Lauren asked. She was beginning to cry, and this to Syler meant that she truly did care for him. He sighed.
"I think... I'm going through psychosis," He confessed. His eyes began to fill with tears. He had never cried in years. He rarely ever did, but just confessing everything that was happening to him made something snap, and tears began to roll down his cheeks. "And I'm scared. Terrified." He added. Lauren had placed her hand back onto his back in an attempt to comfort him, but it truly did nothing for him. He was never in a state of comfort. He looked over at her, his face starting to grow wet with tears. She started to wipe his tears away as they came.
"I wish, I so wish I could do more than just try and comfort you. I want to, I truly do." Lauren told him.
"It's ok, I'm pretty much lost anyway. I know it's just getting worse from here. It probably can't be treated anymore anyway." Syler said. He placed his cigarette back in between his lips and inhaled deeply, then he exhaled. The nicotine calmed his shaking hands for a couple of seconds before they began to tremble violently again.
"Anything can be treated." Lauren said, hoping she'd help lift the mood, but Syler shook his head.
"I'm losing it. I'm just losing it. There does come a point where it's just...gone...untreatable." Syler said, his speech was slurring itself again.
"I wish there was more I could do to help you, but I guess, I'll stick with you until I can't anymore," Lauren said and then kissed Syler on his lips. "I love you. Always remember that." Lauren said and Syler hugged her tightly, his face was wet with tears.