Spiral

Cold

 Syler awoke the next morning in his bed. The air felt stale to him, but he was surprised as to how calmly he had slept that night. He didn't have any dreams. It was peaceful for once, as if something had switched, yet he knew that that would not last long. He knew his mind. This sort of temporary bliss doesn't last for him. The calm happens, and then the storm. That was how it usually went. He was hoping the storm would stay at bay for a while, as he had sort of found life again, at least he thought he did. He knew nothing was permanent, his happiness was very much temporary, and once the thoughts and the feelings came back, it'd all go back to crap for him. He'd lose sleep again, friends, and his life. He was prepared for it. He didn't want this really, and death crossed Syler's mind more and more as he began to sabotage himself more and more.

Syler sat up in his bed, his body was still exhausted from the night prior, but it wasn't as bad as it was back when Syler was still barely sleeping. He pulled his blankets back and got up from his bed. He wrapped himself in the thin blanket that was on top of his bed. Syler was cold, always, and it did bother him sometimes, but mostly it left him unaffected. He walked towards the window and opened it. The humid morning air seemed to drown out his lungs, but he fought the air and sat outside on the porch, in his basketball shorts, a tank top and the blanket that was wrapped around him. He grabbed his pack of cigarettes from his desk and lit one up with his lighter. Syler put it to his lips and inhaled deeply. He let the nicotine relax his nerves and then he exhaled. The morning light made his mind ease up slightly. Syler was reminiscing over the kiss that he had the night prior. He was blushing thinking about it. He loved Lauren, everything about her. He felt so close to her, and all he wanted was to feel closer. He wanted her, and he was scared of the feeling. He lusted towards her, and these were feelings he didn't know what to feel or what to do with these feelings. They started to scare him a little, as he had no knowledge of what to do with them. He inhaled another drag, letting the calm wash over his nerves. Syler looked at the streets, and how different they looked throughout the day. He observed that it was as if a different world had taken over during the day. Syler felt the wind start to pick up, it wasn't unpleasant to him, but he shivered into his blanket, as the wind chilled him slightly.

Syler hadn't bothered to check the time, but he knew it was late morning from his observations, which meant his mom would be coming into his room to complain anytime soon, and he didn't really want to deal with that. He just wanted to be alone really, so he could sort himself out from the night before. Syler watched the people on the streets. The few people who loved to take morning walks or runs, he admired their determination to do this daily, as he would barely have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, let alone the energy. People who had their lives together made Syler jealous, as he still was a mess, but he knew he'd never get his life together, so he forgave them. Syler had to work that day anyway, which was a blessing to him, as it would distract him from anything that was going on in his life, at least for the few hours that he was working. Syler had to go in at three that day, and he knew Zane would be there, which made everything easier for him. He wasn't one to communicate to strangers well unless they appeared to be safe to him, so he knew this would be a pretty difficult job to him, but the challenge was something he needed.

Syler had smoked the cigarette to the bud, so he commenced his little ritual that he always did with his cigarette buds. Syler brought the cigarette bud to his forearm and placed it on the skin, and he let it burn for a little, causing enough pain to make him wince.

Syler looked up at the sky as the burns were settling into his skin. The sun was bright, and it truly did make him smile for a little, which wasn't something he did often anymore, as the thoughts just seemed to consume him these days, causing stress and just general fear. He was thankful for those few moments that he could finally feel ok, but they didn't last long anymore, short bursts of happiness in long bursts of fear. Syler hated it, he just wanted to feel ok really.