Now that I was finally alone in Loki's chambers I busied myself with lighting the fireplace, bringing some heat into my frozen body, and then sat on the floor by the window. The moon rose slowly into the dark, clear sky - casting a silvery glow onto the distant sea. I wanted to sit in silence and enjoy the serenity around me, attempting to unwind my stressed nerves, but my thoughts wouldn't give me peace.
A thousand questions raced through my mind - about Fiske, about Loki, about my future at the palace. Would I be allowed to stay after this? I know that Odin had spared our lives, but with all the trouble I had caused in my time here he might want rid of me. A tight knot formed in my stomach at the idea. Where would I go if I were sent away? I had no family, no friends outside the palace. I had no hopes of finding a husband, not after word of my dishonour spread. I shivered, hugging my knees close to my chest and pushing the thought from my mind. Thor would never let me be banished. Or so I hoped.
My mind briefly rested on thoughts of Fiske, but I tried to push them away. I didn't want to be always thinking of him. He was dead, why couldn't I just move on? The truth was that, although I hated him more than anybody, he had impacted my life more than anyone could. I know I probably would have been a completely different person, a much happier and calmer person, had it not been for him. He would twist my thoughts, make me question my judgement. In the end, he told me he loved me, was that true? Or was it just another way to torment me? For better or worse, he was a significant part of my life, and despite my hatred, I felt a little lost without him.
Not wanting to linger on these thoughts any longer, I instead thought of my saviour, Loki. Despite my unease of him, I owed him so much - not only for what he did today but also for speaking in my defence all those months ago and coming to see me in the dungeons when I was alone and scared. Why did he do these things for me? Was it merely through chivalry - an internalised need to be a gentleman - or was it something more than that?
Could it be affection?
I scoffed at the idea, remembering how he had helped Jane all those years ago. It was just gallantry, nothing more. He was probably just trying to ease his conscience.
I sighed, rubbing my palms into my tired eyes. I didn't want to ponder on what my feelings towards Loki were. I was indebted to him and felt a great sense of gratitude, but I was still uneasy in his presence. I couldn't put my finger on why - he had earned my trust, but there was a mysterious air around him that always put me on guard. I could never tell what he was thinking. But then again, I remembered how it felt to dance with him last night, and how he held me on the balcony when I needed him. I had felt safe then, safer than I had ever felt since entering the castle a year ago. He had been so attentive, so thoughtful of my feelings last night. I couldn't equate that caring, protective man to the evil adoptive sibling that the stories had told me. Yes, as a young man he had done despicable things, but why was he still so demonised? Was it that same mysteriousness that I found so off-putting?
The bedchamber door opened again and Frigga called me over, startling me from my inner turmoil. I stood from my uncomfortable spot on the floor and meekly made my way over, smiling timidly as she held the door open for me. Loki winked in mischief as my eyes immediately found his and I felt my treacherous cheeks flush. The door clicked shut behind me and Frigga lay a hand gently on my shoulder.
"I'll take my leave and let your trusted nurse take over, Loki," she smiled down at me when he said nothing, "Will you walk me to the door, Alva?"
I replied in an affirmative, holding the door open for her. She stopped and turned in the doorway.
"Your father and I wish you a quick recovery, Loki."
He breathed a humourless laugh, "Send him my regards, Mother," he replied politely, forcing a smile. When Frigga turned away he closed his eyes and sighed, his expression twisted in misery.
I lingered behind, an ache in my chest growing at the sight of him in such emotional turmoil, but finally closed the door quietly and followed the Queen into the main chamber.
When we reached the door I opened it wide to let her through. She turned to me in the doorway, taking a deep breath before she spoke.
"Alva, I can't tell you how devastated I was to hear the news this morning. Not only in worry for my son...but my heart broke when I heard you say what you did about Fiske. I won't ask you about it now, as I'm sure you've spoken about it enough for one day." She paused, tilting her head to the side as she regarded me.
"You continue to surprise me. How old did you say you were?"
I cleared my throat, "I'm in my sixth century."
She smiled fondly, "Goodness, I know people twice your age who don't have half as much courage and resilience as you do. I'm very proud of you, dear girl."
I could only offer a small smile, forcing down a wave of emotion. After a pause, she lifted her hand and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear in a gesture so gentle and caring that it almost stunned me. I had never had a mother, but it felt like such a maternal expression.
"I also wanted to thank you," she continued gently.
I blinked up at her in confusion,"Thank me?"
She took my hand in hers and let out a deep breath before explaining.
"The last thing any of us expected was for Loki to risk his life for someone, but for you to offer yours to spare his...that was something nobody saw coming. I truly don't believe my husband would have had him executed, he was only speaking in anger, but if nothing else it showed Loki that he is worth something and that there are people that care for him. So, thank you."
I tipped my chin bashfully, "It was the least I could do after all he's done for me. Besides, I would never want anyone to be punished as a result of my mistakes."
Frigga's brow creased,"What do you mean by that? What mistake?"
I swallowed, "Well, I never wanted anyone to find out about Fiske - Loki's discovery of it was an accident. If he hadn't found out then he wouldn't be lying in there with three broken ribs," I answered bitterly, feeling suddenly disgusted with myself.
When I looked up Frigga was watching me with a horrified expression.
"And what if he hadn't discovered it? You would have continued to endure Fiske's torment in silence?"
I shifted nervously, "I would have rathered that than see anyone harmed because of it."
"Stop, Alva. Loki is a grown man - sometimes - and he chose to engage Fiske in a duel. There was no obligation to do so, and trust me when I say that despite how much I love him, he isn't the type of person to do anything out of some sense of duty. Loki cares for you, as we all do. We are extremely thankful that you're safe now. Please don't ever think that you're somehow at fault for all this."
I lifted my tearful gaze to hers and she swiftly enveloped me in a hug. The motion was my undoing and she held me tightly as I sobbed into her shoulder. I don't know what came over me, but once it began it was almost impossible to stop. All of the bottled up stress and anguish manifested itself now as Frigga held me, softly stroking my hair. When my tears finally began to slow, I pulled back and wiped my wet face awkwardly. Frigga stopped me and pulled my hands away, tipping my face upwards.
"Don't be ashamed of your tears. Alva, you would be amazed at what a good cry can do for the soul."
I smiled back at her, trying to regain some of my composure.
"Thank you," I whispered and she squeezed my hand. After a moment, she spoke again.
"One more thing before I depart - my husband wishes to speak with you tomorrow morning. He has called an emergency council meeting and would like for you to be present. Thor will come and collect you when it's time."
Immediately, I froze. A council meeting? Fiske was a prominent member of the council...Why would he want me to be present for that?
"I believe it's for some kind of inquiry into his death, to prove whether it was justified or not," Frigga explained, reading my horrified expression. "It's not that they don't believe you, it's just a formality, Alva, don't worry."
I smiled and nodded in concurrence, but inside I was tearing myself apart with fear and apprehension.
She sighed, "Right, I had best be going. Back to your post, soldier," she encouraged gently, before fondly stroking my cheek and disappearing out into the hallway.
I stood stunned for a few more moments, but eventually came back to earth and retreated back up to Loki's chambers. He had his nose firmly lodged in a book when I returned, one hand cradling the spine while the other gently caressed the purring ball of fur beside him. Tommy was in pure bliss. The two of them together was a sight that warmed my heart - it was lovely to see Loki care for something. I almost didn't want to disturb them, but before I could retreat from the room Loki glanced up, and the peaceful spell was broken.
His expression cleared when he saw me and he smiled, but stopped when he observed my red-rimmed eyes. Damn, I had hoped that he wouldn't notice. I smiled back to deflect his curious gaze.
"Everything all right?" he probed.
I couldn't contain my smirk, leaning against one of the posts at the end of the bed and crossing my arms over my chest.
"You mean despite the obvious?" I fired back and he opened his mouth to retort, but I swiftly continued.
"Odin wishes to see me in the morning."
"Oh?" Loki raised an eyebrow but didn't sound in the least bit surprised.
"Yes," I continued, absentmindedly caressing the carved bedpost, "I'm to attend a council meeting."
He nodded, deep in thought. This news didn't seem to faze him either, perhaps it was just me that was in the dark about such things.
His gaze flicked back to me, assessing my expression. I remained impassive, not wanting to give anything away.
"You're nervous," he commented and it wasn't a question. Inwardly I sank with defeat - it was useless trying to hide from him.
Pushing away from the bedpost I sighed heavily, dropping back into the armchair.
"Should I be?" I asked, resting my chin on my palm.
Loki shrugged, slapping the book on his lap closed, "I shouldn't think so. They'll want to interrogate you a little, but don't let them intimidate you. Thor will be there in any case."
"Thor's a member of the council?" I asked, wondering how I hadn't known this - I was his squire for goodness sake.
"Of course, he's the Prince," he replied, examining his nails distractedly.
I paused, tilting my head to the side curiously.
"Why aren't you on the council then?"
Loki stopped and raised an eyebrow, giving me a don't-be-stupid look. "Do you really expect that they'd let me on the council?"
I shifted in my seat, feeling chastised. "I don't know," I mumbled, "I don't see why they wouldn't."
He chuckled, "Yes, they would have no issue with letting the - how did they put it? Ah yes, the 'unhinged, mass-murdering psychopath' make decisions that directly affected the kingdom. It worked so well last time."
"I don't think I'd agree with that assessment," I grumbled to myself and he raised a surprised eyebrow.
"Which part?" he queried, a hint of amusement in his expression.
"Well, the mass-murdering bit is correct, I suppose, but do they really still think that you're dangerous? Psychotic, even?"
"Why? Don't you?" The teasing was evident in his voice and I rolled my eyes.
"I've known worse," I quipped.
His face split into a grin and my heart flipped at the sight, but I managed to keep my expression clear.
"Perhaps they don't still think of me in that way, but nevertheless I'm still not permitted to sit at the council," he continued, a hint of melancholy in his tone.
I frowned, "That seems a little unfair. It's been decades since your crimes."
He shrugged, trying his best to appear noncommittal but I knew this slight affected him more deeply than he was willing to admit. There were those close to him that still didn't trust him. It probably didn't do much for his confidence.
"It's getting late, you should get some more rest," I instructed, standing from the chair. He stopped and blinked up at me.
"You're leaving?" He asked, a crease forming on his brow.
I gave him a wry smile, "Yes. You need to sleep and I need my own bed tonight."
"I'd like you to stay a little longer," he confessed after a brief hesitation, his voice quiet - anxious, almost.
"Why?"
He paused, looking as if he wanted to say something, but instead he picked up the book from his lap and held it out to me.
"Read to me?"
"What?" I scoffed. That was the last thing I thought he would say.
"Please?" he pleaded in a very un-Loki like way.
The beseeching look in his eyes chipped away at my resolution.
"Loki, you need to get some sleep!"
"I like to hear your voice, it relaxes me."
And just like that, I crumbled, like he knew I would. I held his gaze for a long time, before sighing in defeat and taking the book from his hand.
Folding myself back into the chair, I found his bookmark and turned to the nearest chapter. I started to read in a clear voice, focusing on the words in front of me rather than the feeling of his eyes as he watched me intently. It was strange to read aloud, as it was the first time that I had ever read to anyone. However, it became easier once I got into the rhythm of it.
After an unknown amount of time, I stopped and glanced up, smiling fondly when I found that Loki had fallen soundly asleep. Quietly standing from my position, I placed the book down on the bed and began to blow out the candles around the room. Eventually, I found myself gravitating to Loki's side again. Feeling strangely emboldened now that he was asleep, I reached out and tucked a stray lock of dark hair away from his face. He looked so peaceful. Part of me wished that he always felt this serene. It seemed as though he was troubled by so much.
Pulling the bed sheets up a little more and giving Tommy a goodnight scratch, I blew out the last candle and exited the room - ignoring my earlier remarks about sleeping in my own bed. Loki's sofa seemed like a much more appealing option.