Can You See Me? (A Loki FanFiction)

Chapter Twenty-Three

Now that I was finally alone in Loki's chambers I busied myself with lighting the fireplace, bringing some heat into my frozen body, and then sat on the floor by the window. The moon rose slowly into the dark, clear sky - casting a silvery glow onto the distant sea. I wanted to sit in silence and enjoy the serenity around me, attempting to unwind my stressed nerves, but my thoughts wouldn't give me peace.

A thousand questions raced through my mind - about Fiske, about Loki, about my future at the palace. Would I be allowed to stay after this? I know that Odin had spared our lives, but with all the trouble I had caused in my time here he might want rid of me. A tight knot formed in my stomach at the idea. Where would I go if I were sent away? I had no family, no friends outside the palace. I had no hopes of finding a husband, not after word of my dishonour spread. I shivered, hugging my knees close to my chest and pushing the thought from my mind. Thor would never let me be banished. Or so I hoped.

My mind briefly rested on thoughts of Fiske, but I tried to push them away. I didn't want to be always thinking of him. He was dead, why couldn't I just move on? The truth was that, although I hated him more than anybody, he had impacted my life more than anyone could. I know I probably would have been a completely different person, a much happier and calmer person, had it not been for him. He would twist my thoughts, make me question my judgement. In the end, he told me he loved me, was that true? Or was it just another way to torment me? For better or worse, he was a significant part of my life, and despite my hatred, I felt a little lost without him.

Not wanting to linger on these thoughts any longer, I instead thought of my saviour, Loki. Despite my unease of him, I owed him so much - not only for what he did today but also for speaking in my defence all those months ago and coming to see me in the dungeons when I was alone and scared. Why did he do these things for me? Was it merely through chivalry - an internalised need to be a gentleman - or was it something more than that?

Could it be affection?

I scoffed at the idea, remembering how he had helped Jane all those years ago. It was just gallantry, nothing more. He was probably just trying to ease his conscience.

I sighed, rubbing my palms into my tired eyes. I didn't want to ponder on what my feelings towards Loki were. I was indebted to him and felt a great sense of gratitude, but I was still uneasy in his presence. I couldn't put my finger on why - he had earned my trust, but there was a mysterious air around him that always put me on guard. I could never tell what he was thinking. But then again, I remembered how it felt to dance with him last night, and how he held me on the balcony when I needed him. I had felt safe then, safer than I had ever felt since entering the castle a year ago. He had been so attentive, so thoughtful of my feelings last night. I couldn't equate that caring, protective man to the evil adoptive sibling that the stories had told me. Yes, as a young man he had done despicable things, but why was he still so demonised? Was it that same mysteriousness that I found so off-putting?

The bedchamber door opened again and Frigga called me over, startling me from my inner turmoil. I stood from my uncomfortable spot on the floor and meekly made my way over, smiling timidly as she held the door open for me. Loki winked in mischief as my eyes immediately found his and I felt my treacherous cheeks flush. The door clicked shut behind me and Frigga lay a hand gently on my shoulder.

"I'll take my leave and let your trusted nurse take over, Loki," she smiled down at me when he said nothing, "Will you walk me to the door, Alva?"

I replied in an affirmative, holding the door open for her. She stopped and turned in the doorway.

"Your father and I wish you a quick recovery, Loki."

He breathed a humourless laugh, "Send him my regards, Mother," he replied politely, forcing a smile. When Frigga turned away he closed his eyes and sighed, his expression twisted in misery.