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"Back from the edge, back from the dead. Back before demons took control of my head"
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I SEEM TO have lost track of time whilst wrapped in James's embrace, everything around me mixing into one giant blur. For the several long minutes that I'm in his arms do I forget about everything.
I forget about the people standing around me, about the other side collapsing. Most surprisingly, I allow my brain some ease through forgetting about the deep heart ache in my chest from Damon and Bonnie's death. Just by James's gentle touch and warm embrace am I able to forget these things, as he eases the pain of my aching heart.
As I rest my head against his chest, I can't help but hear the faint sniffles of cries from Caroline and Stefan who are still here, along with Joel. I don't know how long I've been in James's arms, but all I do know is that I never want to leave. For now this feels real, and for now I've slowly started to accept the fact that he's alive again. I fear if I move or change anything in this moment, it will all disappear.
At first I don't even realize the scenery has changed, as James picks me up so effortlessly. I open my eyes just a sliver to see the moon following me from the sky as we walk out of the forest. I take a glance at James from where he holds me in his arms, my feet swaying as he walks.
He keeps his eyes straight ahead, not wanting to wake me thinking I've fallen asleep. But I refuse to fall asleep no matter how much my mind begs me to out of fear that if I wake up, this will all become just a dream.
I don't even realize we've reached my car until Joel opens the back seat door, allowing James to place me gently in the back seat of my Audi. I open my eyes, determined to stay awake just as the group of them including Stefan, Joel, Caroline and James all turn to each other, discussing on where to go and what to do from here. To keep myself from falling asleep, I listen to their words.
"I told Logan and Christina that we would be back in Atlanta in the morning," Joel says, scratching the back of his neck.
"So you guys are just going to leave again?" Caroline asks with disappointment.
"We can't really stay here, there's no where for us to stay," Joel points out.
"We could get you guys set up in a dorm! Or get you all a house outside of Mystic Falls!" Caroline encourages.
"And then what? Wait until this anti-magic barrier magically disappears?" Joel questions bitterly. "I don't really want to live outside my home. It's either Mystic Falls, or Atlanta and Mystic Falls is out of the question," he says. To Joel and I, we've built a life for ourselves in Atlanta, and for us that is what we're use to. Neither of us is ready to move into another house all over again.
"We can figure something out!" Caroline pleads. "I don't want us to all get separated again."
"I can't stay here," Stefan speaks up. I can tell just by looking at him and hearing his voice he's still in shock. He's even further away than I am at processing it all, as I've made more progress than him. Just looking at him breaks my heart, as I can tell my twin is broken.
"Stefan," Caroline tries, but Stefan waves her off.
"I can't Caroline. I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I just need to get away."
James stands at the sidelines, quiet and listening, not exactly sure what to say. I notice him glance back at me every few seconds, his only concern in all of this being me. As I snuggle up in the inside of my car, my head rested on the leather of the seats, James walks over to me and leans inside the doorway.
"Hey," he smiles, brushing his thumb against my cheek, wiping away a stray tear. I smile back, filled with an excessive amount of joy at the moment just by having him in front of me. "What do you want to do?" he asks me, knowing I've been listening.
I adjust my position so I'm able to better look at him, smiling sillily against his gentle touch on my face. "I want to go wherever you go," I say groggily, sleep threatening to overpower me.
He chuckles deeply, smiling such that his dimples show through. Taking one last look at me, he stands up and turns to the rest of the group. "I think we should go to Atlanta. That's where Theo is, and we can sort things out from there," James suddenly says, stating his opinion.
"What!" Caroline pleads hopelessly.
"Care, all our stuff is down there anyways," Joel points out.
"Stefan?" James asks my brother, turning to him.
Without even looking Stefan nods before silently walking to the passenger seat of my car and climbing in. Apparently we're taking him with us.
"We'll call you when we get there, and figure things out then okay?" James says gently, his hand placed on Caroline's shoulder. She looks defeated and heartbroken aside from the sorrow of loosing her best friend. We're all running away, but at the same time I believe she's stuck. Stuck in this town that is all she's ever known. She however has her mother, Tyler and Elena still here while everything else I've built for myself is a few hours away. Although I don't want to leave Caroline, we all need space to heal us from this night.
Caroline stands there as James climbs into the seat beside me in the back, Joel taking the wheel. Watching her stand there alone breaks my heart, so I use every ounce of strength left in me to force my muscles to carry me out of the car and by her side so I'm standing in front of her.
"Care," I say grimly, before wrapping her in a tight hug. She returns the gesture, but I know she's gripping harder than I am. "This isn't goodbye," I tell her.
"I don't want you to leave again Blair. I've already lost one of my best friends," she whispers into my shoulder.
"You're not going to loose me Care," I say, repeating her words that she said to me this morning. "I'll keep in touch, I promise," I assure her, before letting her go.
I can tell she's desperate for us to stay, but she knows this is what I need to do, and like a good friend she lets me go. I give her one last smile before slowly sliding into the back seat, allowing her to close the door. Joel starts up the car and shifts it into drive, slowly pressing down on the gas as we leave the sight where a great deal of sadness took place.
As Joel drives away from Mystic Falls, there's some sort of emptiness I feel inside me, like I shouldn't be leaving. I feel as if I'm not finished with this town yet, which leads me to believe this isn't the last time I'll be saying goodbye to my home.
I glance away from the window, not wanting to look back any longer. "You should sleep Blair," I hear James say. Folding my fingers on my lap, I turn to him with tired eyes.
"No," I say, shaking my head.
James sighs and smiles to himself, shaking his head. "You're still as stubborn as ever."
I smile lightly but my expression quickly turns serious. "Is this real?" I ask quietly, referring to how he's here right now. Although I've accepted that he's alive, it all feels too good to be true.
James's expression turns soft and sad, as he takes my hand in his. "Yes," he says firmly, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
"Good. So as long as I keep my eyes open, it will stay real," I say, fearing that everything will change the moment I close my eyes.
"Blair," James sighs, trying once again to persuade me but I cut him off by placing a finger to his lips, and laying my head on his chest. I curl up in the back seat beside him, resting my head but not once closing my eyes.
"You should have your seatbelt on," James whispers in my ear, and although it's nothing funny, it makes me laugh.
JAMES POV
"You should have your seatbelt on," I whisper in her ear, my lips curling upwards as she lets out a small laugh. I know it's not much, mostly just a huff of air that comes out from her smile, but to me it's progress.
There are no words to explain how it feels to come back from the dead, because frankly I feel as if I've been granted a wish that no words can make up for. All I know now is that I have to make sure I fulfil this second chance I've been given by making it count. If my purpose for a second chance is to make Blair whole again, then I'm all for it. What Bonnie did to risk her life is something I'm still having a difficult time wrapping my head around, as it appears Bonnie never really got a happy ending. Throughout everything I just wish she got what she deserved.
To add to the disbelief, I am still both perplexed and grateful yet filled with guilt that Damon chose to send me over first. The only reason I didn't come out first hand was to make sure Damon and Joel got out okay from when they triggered the explosion. I had found Joel first, so I sent him away while I searched for Damon, staying behind until I knew he was okay.
Everything happened so quickly after that as we gathered back at the cemetery, the harsh wind threatened to blow all of us away. The last thing I remember was I had Lexi and Damon both by my side, all of us prepared to pass through Bonnie when suddenly Marcos showed up, determined as ever to rise from the dead once again.
We all knew there was no way in hell we could let him pass, but my sister took it into her responsibility to end him, the other side taking her along with Marcos away in the violent wind. She disappeared from me once again right in front of my eyes, our goodbye not seeming proper enough. However, the only thing that is helping keep me pieced together is the idea that she found some sort of peace- that along with Blair and Joel.
Speaking of them, they were what kept hope alive for me while I watched from the other side. It was odd and strange to be able to see what they were doing without actually able to talk to them. At the same time it was heartbreakingly painful to have to watch them tear themselves apart over my loss, as there wasn't anything I could do to help them.
They both grieved in their own ways; Blair through Theo and starting over and Joel and his alcohol. I didn't spend all of my time lurking around, as I went just about everywhere. I travelled from Mystic Falls, New Orleans to Atlanta almost everyday, checking in on everyone. Although I'll admit, I did spend almost every night sitting in my truck parked in Blair's garage, listening to her tell me about her day, in which later she would break down again. She would pretend she was speaking to me, because she wanted to hope, but I knew the day she lost all hope was when she didn't visit my truck anymore.
She was the one thing that kept me from finding peace, because I couldn't find peace until I knew she was alright. I wanted her to be happy, as I told her in the letter I wrote, but I could tell she was never fully happy. Sure she would smile and laugh, but I know her well enough to know what her real laugh sounds like. It's fair to say she hasn't really laughed since I was gone, and I wish she could've found happiness after me.
Even now as we sit in in the car, her head on my chest and her eyes wide open do I know she's not completely happy, because she doesn't fully believe I am here. I knew the moment it was a possibility to come back that my return wasn't going to be taken lightly. Deep down I would've hoped that we could've reunited happily, as I had envisioned our reunion differently.
However, that was a dream I had only hoped for, a vision far from reality. I know Blair didn't take my passing lightly- I saw it with my own eyes.
My only hope for her now is that I can make her whole again, to make her believe I'm real because right now she feels as if she's dreaming.
It just so happens this will be a dream she will want to wake up from. My only problem will be how I plan to do it.
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[completed & edited: 09/26/2021]