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"We were fire and hope, now we're ashes and smoke"
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THERE COMES A time when everyone experiences a state of depersonalization, where the events that occur around them become vague, almost dream like. It doesn't matter if it occurs for a few seconds, minutes, or frankly even days. The state of not knowing what or who to trust is an unsettling feeling, a feeling I fear I've become a slave to.
Everything's become so dream-like, as if it's supposed to be part of something bigger. Everything is scattered, and I'm struggling to fit all the pieces together. I start by focusing on one thing at a time, that one focal point being James who stands in front of me.
The smile that once flashed across his face has now been replaced by a deep frown, his whole expression changing from content to severe guilt in a matter of seconds, adding onto the feeling of confusion that this moment displays, resembling more and more like a dream.
I try once more to sort out the pieces, the only stable piece of information I'm able to make sense of being the warm salty tears that slide down my cheeks. The tears come from an overwhelming amount of emotion that I'm feeling right now. That and an excessive loss of sleep.
"Blair," James says hoarsely, his hazel blue eyes shining with tears. He speaks so lowly, so clearly that I find myself finding something else to hold onto, something else to assure me this is all real. "I'm so sorry," he says, walking slowly over to me where I kneel on the ground.
I choke on the sobs that crack through my chest, my shoulders shaking up and down as I try and picture his face through my blurry eyes. I haven't properly seen him yet, nor have I actually accepted the fact that he's really here. For all I know this is my mind playing tricks on me. For all I know this is nothing but a dream.
"So-rry- fo-or what?" I manage to get out through the violent sobs that have consumed me. As I struggle to form the words and control myself from letting the sobs control me letting awful sounds escape my lips, do I feel Joel's gentle touch on my shoulder giving me something else that is real to hold onto.
"It's Damon," James explains. His voice sends shivers down my spine, a feeling either out of relief of hearing his voice again or out of sadness form the words he is forming, I can't decide.
"What happened to him?" Stefan asks desperately, looking at James with wide and pleading eyes. No one seems phased by James standing in front of us, but I don't know if that's because of the situation or if this is some sort of mind trick.
"He was right beside me- we were going to go together when he pushed me into Bonnie," James gulps. "H-he said you needed me more than him," James says, staring down at me.
My breath catches in my throat at his words, the sudden realization that my brother is stuck on the other side. He chose to send James over first rather than himself, knowing that there was a chance he might not make it out. The one thing that I can't understand is why he would choose my happiness over Elena's.
"No," Elena cries in pure sadness. "Please tell me there's a way we can fix this," she pleads. "We can start the spell again!"
"Elena," Bonnie says gently. "That was our only chance, and our witches are gone."
Elena lets out another cry before collapsing herself to the ground along side with me, both of us broken beyond belief. You would think that having James back would fix things, fix me, but deep down I don't believe he's here. He's a figment of my imagination. He's just another hallucination my weak mind has made up in order to cope with his death. He's dead, Damon is alive and I'm back in Atlanta where I should be, where I've been living the past two years. None of this is real.
"Lexi?" Joel questions doubtfully, his brow slightly raised.
James shakes his head and stares at the ground in defeat. "I had her right beside me Joel," James croaks. "We were about to all go together when Marcos showed up. She took care of him and next thing I knew Damon shoved me into Bonnie," James explains, the guilt clearly written on his face as he feels responsible for two deaths, people who chose to save him over themselves. "I'm so sorry," James says to Joel.
Joel purses his lips in a stern line to prevent himself from crying before walking over to his big brother, wrapping him in a tight hug. In my dreams I imagined this was how James and Joel would reunite, a scene I replayed over and over. There's no reason this isn't just another replay projecting through my mind.
From where I sit on the ground in defeat, tears flowing from my eyes and cries escaping my lips do I feel a slight pressure of a hand on mine, but no one is there. I stop crying for a moment, contemplating whether or not the touch was real or part of my imagination. "Blair, he's here," Bonnie says.
I look up at her with confusion, but then I feel another touch graze my skin, this time near my cheek. "Damon?" I croak, and she nods slowly. I return my gaze to the empty space in front of me, trying to picture what my brother would look like if he were actually here.
"You're the stupidest person I've ever met," I say in all seriousness, angered that he would leave me. I'm angered that he would choose James over himself, because James isn't actually here. I saw James die with my own eyes, vanish right in front of me. Damon, well he's just gone.
"Why couldn't you have just been selfish and stayed behind?" I ask hopelessly, feeling his gentle touch again on my hand. "I need you. I needed you for the past two years whether I knew it or not. I needed you then big brother, and I need you now." I cry, wiping my eyes with the corner of my sweater's sleeve.
Although I can't see or hear him, I know Bonnie can. I glance up at her from where I sit on the ground, looking to her for answers. "He said it was time he did something selfless for his little sister," she says grimly. My heart aches and I break out into another sob as does Elena.
Out of heartbreak and anger Elena storms into the Salvatore tomb, crying and desperately looking for another way to restart the spell. Bonnie leaves to talk to Elena, leaving a few of us standing in the middle of the cemetery.
I bring my knees to my chest and cry harder, leaning my head against my knees. I find it impossible to stop crying, impossible to believe everything that's unraveling. I hear Joel sigh heavily, before turning to Logan and Christina who still stand there in shock. "Go back to Atlanta," he says. "We'll be there tomorrow."
"But, what about Mystic Falls? I thought you guys wanted to stay here?" Christina asks slowly.
"If we go past the anti-magic boarder placed around Mystic Falls, we'll die." Joel explains, trying to make sense of everything but he's only confusing them more. "Look, we'll meet up in the morning tomorrow and I'll explain everything over coffee, okay?" he says, anxious to get them to leave. I know he wants to protect me, to keep them from seeing me in such state, so vulnerable. I also don't want Theo to see me like this.
"Okay. See you tomorrow," Logan nods, before I hear his and Christina's footsteps walk away.
Before anyone can say anything more, Jeremy Gilbert suddenly comes running through the forest, screaming, shouting Bonnie's name over and over. He comes in the middle of the cemetery to join us, searching for Bonnie who has appeared to have gone missing.
"There!" Caroline shouts, forcing my head up. She points to Bonnie who stands in a clearing of trees up ahead. She holds her hand out, as if taking someone else's.
"Bonnie!" Elena yells, walking out from the Salvatore tomb with teary eyes and Alaric by her side.
Bonnie turns around for a split second, making eye contact with everyone and sends them a quick smile. When her eyes reach mine however, they stay glued to my eyes for a few seconds longer, and although these seconds will never be enough to tell her how grateful I am for her, I flash her a small smile despite everything inside me that despises the idea of happiness. "Thank you," I mouth. Those two words will never make up for what she's done for me. She's saved my life, my brother's lives, risked her own life and showed gratitude towards me despite what I am. I'm proud to have called her my friend.
Bonnie nods and gives me a smile, before lifting her head up hight and staring up at the stars. As everyone screams her name, she stands there peacefully before disappearing right in front of us, the other side disappearing completely and taking her with it.
Elena and Caroline let out a cry while we all stand and sit in the cemetery in silence, letting everything sink in. Bonnie is gone, as is Damon.
Elena, too broken to stay in this graveyard any longer walks off along with Alaric and Tyler leaving only a few of us standing in the dark of the night in the middle of the forest. I hear James clear his throat and take a step towards me, but I don't respond to it.
"Blair," I hear James say, but Joel cuts him off.
"No, James don't," Joel whispers to him, trying to speak lowly so I can't hear them, but my vampire hearing allows me to. "You don't know what's happening to her, you don't know what she's been like," Joel says. "She doesn't think you're real right now brother, so if you try and talk to her you'll only make things worse," he explains in a quiet voice like my vampire hearing can't hear.
"I'm not oblivious to her state, Joel. I watched from the other side, so believe me when I tell you I know exactly what she's been like," James says in a low whisper.
"Great, so you know that talking to her will only mess up her mind further," Joel whispers harshly back.
"No, talking to her is the only way to make her realize I'm not just one of her hallucinations," James argues back in a whisper.
All their bickering in harsh whispers forces my head up. "Just because you're whispering doesn't mean I can't fucking hear you," I snap bitterly, my voice shaking. Slowly my despair has turned to anger, everything slowly piecing together.
My sudden rage stops their argument as if someone abruptly pressed pause on an intense debate. I take their silence as a hint I've got their attention, and realize that was the last thing I want right now. My tears have slowed down allowing me to breathe properly again.
I close my eyes to think, trying to find any flaws within my hallucination. I allow myself for one second to believe that this is all happening. I slowly let my mind believe one thing at a time, as if testing the waters to see how much I can handle.
I jump suddenly at the slight touch of a hand on my shoulder, looking up and seeing James. As I look at him, I let myself believe that this is real. He wears the same clothes he died in, although this time they're not covered in blood.
Just his touch on my shoulder has sent a warmth through my body, calming me down. His flesh is warm and his touch is comforting. That's how I know this is real.
I slowly stand up, standing across from James. "You're real this time?"
He sighs and lets out a sad smile. "Yes."
I reach out and pull him in for a hug, letting myself accept reality as it presents itself. For a second I forget that I've just lost my big brother. I focus on the person in front of me who I've been grieving over for almost two years.
"I'm not going anywhere," James says into my hair, placing a kiss on my temple.
The only reason I'm having such a hard time accepting his presence is because of the amount of time I spent grieving over his loss. I spent every day of the past year and a half wishing he would come back, and now that he is it feels too good to be true. But by the feeling of his arms around my back, his gentle touch on my skin, and his soothing voice do I realize I have been granted with a wish.
My James is back.
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[completed & edited: 09/25/2021]