Vanilla Frappe
The letter from Thomas and Savannah was small and thin, nothing to fear, but it felt like a ton of bricks in my hand. I slid it into pocket and decided I wasn't ready to read it. I didn't know what the hell it would unleash.
"You okay?" Angelo murmured sleepily as I returned to bed.
I smiled and leaned over to kiss his forehead. "I'm okay, bello. You sleep tight."
He put out his arm in an offer and I nestled down against him. He held me tight and kissed my neck, and thoughts of the letter almost flew out of my mind. I sighed happily and closed my eyes. I had thought I would be unable to sleep, but sleep came quickly and before I knew it, it was morning.
Jenny and Lucie were great hostesses, and ordinarily they'd wake up guests with breakfast and a gentle wake-up call.
This was not an ordinary morning.
"Tom," Jenny hissed, startling me awake. I jumped, and she nodded towards the door. I frowned, blearily following her out of the room.
"What the flying fuck is going on?" I asked her, chilly now I was outside of my lovely duvet cocoon.
"Harper's here," she explained.
I shrugged. "So?"
"So Harper's here," she emphasised, waiting for me to catch up.
I stared at her, wondering what on earth she was talking about. Harper lived in London, sure, but he often came back to visit. He was close friends with Jenny and Lucie, along with a ton of people that lived around here. What was the big deal about him visiting this time, other than the presumably ungodly hour?
Then I remembered where Harper was supposed to be right now; with Ed, talking about their very complicated relationship.
"Oh," I said, connecting the dots. I grimaced. "I take it something's happened?"
"I don't know," Jenny pushed a few stray hairs out of her face and sighed. "He just showed up. He's having coffee downstairs. Look, I can try and wrangle it out of him, but I know he's way more likely to talk to you about it."
I had no idea if that was accurate, but I leaned behind my bedroom door to grab a dressing gown and tied it around myself. "I'll see what I can do."
Jenny left me to walk downstairs sleepily in search of coffee and Harper. The clock in the hallway told me it was seven in the morning, which meant that Harper had left London at five-thirty at the latest. I frowned. It was early.
Harper was making a coffee when I walked into the kitchen, and he pulled a face when he saw me. "Jenny sent you to talk to me, didn't she?"
I held up my hands. "I just want coffee, dude."
Harper held my gaze for a moment, then sighed and reached for a second mug. "It's not quite as dramatic as it seems."
"Oh, I'm sure," I commented dryly. "What did he do this time?"
Harper's hand hesitated for a moment, and then he pushed the button to make an espresso pour from the machine. "Nothing. He did nothing. It was me."
"Okay, what did you do this time?" I asked.
Harper sighed, and handed me the espresso. I saw he was shaking. "It was stupid," he said, and sat down opposite me with a sigh. "I went to his show, it was great. We had a laugh afterwards with Peaches, we went dancing. I wasn't drinking, the new meds I'm on don't mix well with alcohol. But Ed was, and he was all giddy and happy. I don't know, maybe I have a problem where I can't just let myself be happy."
I smiled and said, "I don't think that's the problem, H."
"Then what is the problem?" he asked, smiling sadly. "We got talking outside the club about Ross and Jasper, and how amazing it is that they've come so far. He said something about wishing that was us."
I blinked. "Okay, wow."
"He had been drinking," Harper blushed. "Ed's not usually as upfront as that with this stuff. But he said it, and I said... ugh, this is ridiculous."
"Harper," I said flatly. "You tell me to talk about my shit all the time. Walk the walk."
Harper averted his eyes as though it pained him to look at me while he admitted what had been said. "I said that it could have been us, once upon a time, but that he ran off the second I was ready."
I winced. "Ouch."
"Yeah," he said, sinking down into his seat. "I was expecting him to freak out, to tell me I'm the worst, or bring up the thousands of times I've run away instead, but he just kind of sighed. He sighed and said 'it'll never be us if we don't let go of keeping score'. And then he got into a taxi and went home."
I paused for a moment and said, "He's right, you know. If you guys can't let go of the past, and the other times you tried, you'll never work out. You have to let go of the times he wasn't ready for you, and he has to let go of the times you weren't ready for him."
Harper swallowed and said, "I want to. I want to let go of it all. But I don't know if a person ever can just let go of ten years of back and forth. I want that to be possible. I just don't know if it is. Look at Ross and Raven - can they ever really let go of what they went through with their parents? Can you ever let go of what happened the other year?"
I thought about it, and said, "I think I'm starting to. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life where I don't remember how difficult it was. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life where I don't randomly think of it every so often, or have a spontaneous trigger to it, or struggle with my eating behaviours every once in a while. But I think I'm able to deal with that when it comes up, without hanging onto it."
Harper looked at me then, and I saw his eyes were swimming with tears. He said hoarsely, "I'm not sure I'm ever going to get there, Tom. Everything that happened with Ed is so intertwined with all the shit with my health and the shit with my family, I'm not sure I can ever let any of it go without being able to let it all go."
I put my hand over his. "Harper, I love you, but that is a heap of bullshit." When he opened his mouth to argue, I said, "I'm not saying it won't be really fucking hard to do. I'm just saying that you and Ed can make a relationship work without you having to let go of the shit your family put you through. You might never be able to let go of what they did, and that's okay, because they put you through hell and I don't know if anyone can ever make peace with being put through hell. But you and Ed are separate to that. I know you can make it work. But you both have so much fucking pride and you're holding so much back."
Harper clearly wanted to argue, so I took out the letter from Thomas and Savannah and said, "My biological parents contacted me."
The fight went out of him immediately and he frowned in concern. "Jesus. That's huge. Are you okay?"
I smiled and leaned over to flick him on the forehead. "Yes, you melted panini. See that? That's my Harper. Kind and loving and caring - and ready to help with anyone's problems but his own. Why can't you take your own advice, H?"
He smiled a little. "Because that would mean doing the hard work myself. It's so much easier to dish out the advice and then repress my own shit."
"I know," I said, and pulled him in for a hug. "But H, you nearly died. You know how fucking short life is first-hand. You nearly lost your chance. You really want to lose it for good?"
Harper sniffed and said. "No. I don't."
"Then get your shit together," I told him sternly, pulling away. "Work it out. Or I will tell Lucie what's going on and I'll leave her to cry at you."
Harper winced. "You drive a hard bargain." He then eyed the letter. "I'm not asking this to deflect, I'm genuinely concerned - are you okay?"
"I haven't read it yet," I said, and then sighed. "I'll read the letter if you call Ed."
Harper hesitated, but took out his phone. "Deal." He got up and walked into the living room, presumably to give himself and me some privacy. I took a deep breath, and opened the letter.
Tom,
This is a really awkward letter to start. We don't really even know where to start. We have a thousand apologies, a thousand explanations as to why we've not contacted you in the past, but it all boils down to us being very young, and very irresponsible people.
We know this might be a long shot, and we're fully aware that we will never be your parents. Jenny and Lucie have always been your parents, and we're so happy you got to spend your life with such wonderful people. But now, we are in a place where we want to know you, we want to meet with you. We want you to meet your sister, who we had a few years ago.
It's entirely up to you, and we promise we won't take it personally if you decide not to contact us. We are also completely happy if you change your mind later down the line and contact us then. It's whatever you want, Tom. We're just opening the door.
Our number is written on the back. Call or text us any time.
With love,
Thomas and Savannah Belmont
I took a deep breath. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it might be. I couldn't have dealt with a long rambling letter of apologies and expectations. The thought of me having a sister was bizarre; Thomas and Savannah had always been fixed as these young people that accidentally got pregnant and had to give up the kid. Thinking of them as grown adults with a real life and a young kid was very jarring.
My immediate response was that I wanted to message them. But I didn't. I knew I had a tendency to make wild decisions without thinking them through, and I didn't want this to be one of those times. I wanted to talk to Angelo about it, and Jasper. So I folded the letter up, and put it back in my pocket for later.
Harper came back through into the kitchen, and I knew it wasn't exceptionally good news. He took a deep breath and said, "We're taking a year. One year of nothing happening between us. No sex, no dates, nothing but friendship. During that time, we're both going to therapy separately to specifically fish through our past together. If we figure that shit out... then well, in a year, we'll know."
I stood up and gave him a hug. "It's going to be a difficult year."
"You're telling me," he huffed a laugh, but I could tell the weight on his shoulders had lessened just a little bit with this plan.
"And frankly, I think it's adorable you two think you can go a year without accidentally fucking," I teased him, trying to lighten the mood.
It worked; he laughed again, and when he pulled away he was smiling. "Yeah, well, can you blame him? My arse is incredible." He eyed my hands and saw the letter was gone. "How was it?"
I smiled a little. "Not too bad. I have a sister."
"Wow," he said, pulling a face. "How's that landed?"
"Weirdly," I admitted. "But honestly, I think it's going to take a while to truly hit me. I want to talk to Angelo before I do anything else."
Harper smiled at the mention of Angelo. "You happy?"
I tried not to beam too hard, for fear of rubbing his nose in my happy relationship. "Very, very happy."
"Good," he replied firmly, and then reached out to ruffle my hair. "Out of everyone I know, Tom, I can't think of anyone who deserves happiness more than yourself."
I smiled, and then heard the stairs creak with the tell-tale sign of someone coming downstairs. "Well, if any of our drama queen friends heard that, you're in major trouble."
Harper decided to stay while we were in town and drive back with us when we left. Jasper and Ross gave him several rounds of raised eyebrows when they saw him, trying to communicate their confusion and intrigue.
"Oh, my God," I said when Jasper's eyebrows practically receded into his hairline. "Can you just tell them what's going on, so they can calm their plimsolls?"
Reluctantly, Harper filled the others in on his and Edward's plan to take a year apart and figure their shit out in therapy. They listened patiently during it, waiting for Harper to finish.
"Well, that sounds sensible," Jasper nodded.
"Yes, very sensible," Ross agreed.
"And therapy is always a good option," Lucie noted.
"It'll take the pressure off you both for a while," Jenny agreed.
There was one beat of silence, and then Jasper took out his phone. "Place your bets on when they'll give up and get married. Closest wins the pool."
"Six months," Lucie replied. "Twenty quid work for everyone?"
"Eight," Jenny added her own. "I'm in for twenty."
"Four months," Ross said, after considering it for a moment.
"I'm down for three," Jasper checked his notes. "Tom?"
I cleared my throat. "I am not betting on my friend's misery - no, actually, sorry Harper, but I hate missing out on the big life bets. I'm betting the full year."
Harper glared at everyone. "I hate you all, except Angelo."
Angelo cleared his throat. "I was going to bet ten months."
"I hate you all, including Angelo," Harper corrected.
*****
Harper: so I think we should just be friends for like, a year
Edward: absolutely, that sounds great
Harper: which means we can't have sex for a year
Edward: I hate this plan and everything it stands for