"It's not a silly little moment, it's not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on."
Song: Slow Dancing in a Burning Room
Artist: SoMo (John Mayer cover)
Fury seared through my veins as I watched his head duck to her ear, his perfect lips whispering things I couldn't hear. Never in my life had I felt a more devastating combination of irate anger and crushing pain all at once. My mind seemed to be crawling with poison that leeched into my every cell as I tried to comprehend how exactly I had wound up in this situation.
It was supposed to be me he held and whispered things to. It was supposed to be me he smiled at and was unable to tear his gaze from. It was supposed to be me that he ended up with at the end of the night. It was supposed to be me that he claimed to feel something for, that he wanted to try with, yet his every action provided evidence to the contrary.
My mind felt like it was about to implode as I tried to come up with any possible explanation for his actions. The only one he had hinted at was that he was upset that I hadn't told my friends about him, but if that was his only reason, he was way out of line. That was much too small of an offense to constitute him hitting on my friend right in front of me. There was absolutely nothing I had done to deserve such a retaliation from him. Worse, he was being a hypocrite, because I was nearly positive he hadn't told a single person about me.
It took everything in me not to punch him across his beautiful jaw and tackle Olivia for good measure. The betrayal I felt from him was more devastating than I remembered Ben's feeling, which was saying a lot. I had barely started this thing with Harry, but I was already more hurt by him than I had been of my boyfriend of three years. How I had managed so far not to burst into tears and run away was beyond me, because all I felt like doing was curl into a ball in the corner.
It felt like bits of my heart were breaking off as I watched his hand fall to her hip, his long fingers curling across the curve of it. Despite my greatest efforts, there was nothing I could do to tear my gaze from them even though it was making my physically ill to watch. I couldn't handle the way his eyes focused on her when she spoke and the way she trailed her hand down the tattoo covered skin of his arm. Pain bubbled viciously in my stomach and I could feel my throat tightening as the tears I'd somehow managed to hold off threatened to spill over.
I hadn't realized I was physically shaking until a hand landed on my arm, the gentle grip tightening to try and get my attention. The searing agony I was feeling was too strong to respond to the touch, the masochist in me drinking in every single detail that was chipping away at my sanity.
I could feel everything we had worked so hard to build up crumbling by the passing second, the shattered remnants of it crashing to the floor at my feet while he couldn't even be bothered to look at me. What was left of my heart slipped from my chest, joining the shredded remains of our relationship that hadn't had the chance to start on the floor.
"Halle, come on, please come with me," Maggie begged in my ear, tugging at my arm as she tried to break me from my trance. I was frozen in place, mesmerized and haunted by the way he touched her and the way she leaned into him, the space between them shrinking by the second.
"Please Halle," Maggie repeated, her touch on my arm growing more urgent as she desperately tried to tear me away from the torture in front of my eyes. Her face moved into my line of vision, concern and anger spelled out in her expression as I blinked, my eyes trying to focus on the new sight.
"Let's get out of here," she said, placing her hands on my shoulders and steering me away from Harry and Olivia. My feet followed numbly, acting of their own accord because my mind was too far gone to control anything. I felt cold inside, like all the heat had been stolen from my body and had been left scorched into the floor where I had stood. Maggie didn't say anything until she had pulled me through the basement, up the stairs, and out the back door of the party. She continued to pull me along until she had pulled us to a little cluster of trees that was deserted and quiet enough to hear the ragged breathing ripping from my chest.
"That fucking asshole," Maggie seethed once we'd stopped. She turned to face me and put her hands on my shoulders again. "I'm so sorry, Halle, I don't even know what just happened."
My lungs burned as I tried to suck in a solid breath, the air feeling foreign in my body as I tried to force it to function properly. Harsh gasps of air sucked between my teeth, unsuccessfully reaching my lungs without catching in my throat. The searing heat in my throat spread through my body until I felt the sting of tears spilling over my cheeks.
"Why would he do that?" I choked, the furious grip of tears making my voice crack as a sob heaved from my chest.
I had finally broken. There was no way I could stifle the sobs that rang out through the night, not that I cared in the slightest. Salty tears stung pathways down my cheeks and my chest rose and fell chaotically as my body rejected the emotion coursing through me. It was like what little faith I had started to build back up in men and relationships had shattered, the sharp edges stabbing through whatever parts of me it could reach.
Maggie ran her hands up and down my arms, attempting to sooth me as I fell apart in front of her. Of course something had happened only days after I had finally let myself give in to the way I was feeling for him. He had warned me, after all. Hadn't his exact words been that he'd fuck it up sooner or later? The lack of faith he had in himself had been a self-fulfilling prophecy, screwing it up at the slightest provocation from me because he thought he would.
"I don't know, hun, I'm so sorry. He's obviously just an asshole if he's gonna pull that shit," she said, trying to soothe me despite not fully understanding what was going on. Not that I did, either.
"You tried, Halle. Maybe it's just one of those things you can't fix," she continued. My hands rose to wipe angrily at the tears on my cheeks, the waves of conflicting emotions rolling through me so quickly it was hard to adapt. Pain, anger, hatred, jealousy, fury, hurt, betrayal, and more pain flashed through me so quickly I felt like I was going to throw up.
Once, I could forgive. Twice, I could forgive. But three times, with one of my friends, I couldn't; I especially couldn't because I knew for a fact he'd done it to spite me for the smallest of offenses. It may have started out as unwanted, but as soon as he'd realized she had no idea about us, he had turned it into something malicious. I choked another sob out before wiping my tears again. I refused to be the victim again; I had done nothing wrong, and I didn't deserve this.
"You're right," I told Maggie, my voice shaky from the sudden burst of crying. "He's a fucking prick and he's not getting away with this."
Maggie looked taken aback by my sudden mood change, the pitiful crying subsiding as a burning anger flooded through me. My tears stopped falling as I took a deep breath, determined to get my emotions under control.
"What are you gonna do?" she asked, her eyes wide with what could only be pride.
"I don't know, but I need to do something," I said, running my hand through my hair. "Do I look like I've been crying?"
"Um, yeah, but here..." she said, grimacing before stepping forward and rubbing her fingers under my eyes, wiping away the make up that had surely smeared onto my skin. "Okay that's better. Now you just look pissed."
"I am," I said, a furious determination the only thing that kept me from falling apart again. She nodded curtly at me.
"Give him hell, Halle," she said fiercely. I nodded and turned on the spot, marching straight back into the party to do what, I didn't know. Something. Anything for him to know he hadn't broken me, even though he had.
I received more than a few startled looks as I stormed through the party, people parting for me easily as I shoved my way through anyone in my way. The anger radiating off me made it much easier to get to the stairs, and I reached them in a fraction of the time it had taken the first time. I didn't know if Maggie was following me or not, but there was nothing that could slow me down.
I reached the bottom of the stairs and it felt like a searing hot knife stabbed through my chest as I laid eyes on them. I shook my hands at my sides to keep myself orientated, determined not to cry in front of him. Again, people parted for me as I stalked through the party, my pace quick and furious as I approached. They were facing each other, his hands once again at his sides as she stood on her tiptoes to try and reach his ear.
Funny now that I was gone he seemed to have become bored with his game, proving once again he'd only done it to hurt me.
Neither of them saw me until I was less than a foot away, my mind still undecided what I was going to but my body taking control. I surprised myself when my hands roughly grabbed his arm, jerking him forward to face me. Before I could stop myself, my hands were clamped around his face, pulling roughly so he ducked his head to my level before I crashed my lips into his. The kiss was hard, unfeeling, and cold as I held his lips to mine for a few seconds, his chest pushing against mine.
He looked shocked when I pulled back, the look on his face one of pure bewilderment as he tried to understand why I'd just done that. The tiny flash of hope I saw cross his face quickly flickered out as I opened my mouth and spoke.
"We're done, Harry."
With that, I turned on the spot, my hands dropping from his face in a split second as I fled from him. My gait was smooth and fast as I made my way through the crowd, and I stopped myself from looking back and seeing his reaction. In the back of my mind, I heard someone shout an obnoxious 'oooooh' as I ran up the stairs, determined to put as much space between Harry and I as possible.
I hadn't even been aware I was going to do that until his lips were on mine, the motivation behind it confusing as I stalked out of the party and down the sidewalk. As much as I wished I could have seen his reaction, and Olivia's, for that matter, I was proud of myself for not looking back. Surely it would have broken me all over again.
I had made it nearly two blocks, my body numb and my mind absolutely shredding itself as I moved automatically. How had a night that was supposed to go so well ended up so terribly? How had Harry and I gone from a promising start to crashing and burning in one night? There was no way he could defend his actions, because I knew there was nothing I had done to deserve that. It was clear to me now that he was just as much of an asshole as he claimed to be, despite successfully convincing me previously that there was something more to him.
Maybe there still was something more to him, but it apparently wasn't strong enough to hold off on the deplorable ways of his past. Or maybe it was just that he didn't care enough about me to try. That had to be it: I wasn't important enough to him to try.
The tears were starting to build again, threatening to choke what little air I'd been able to inhale when I heard someone shouting my name.
"Hal, stop!"
It was Harry. He was the only one who called me Hal, and I'd recognize his voice anywhere. I picked up my pace, determined to never speak to him again. I could hear the quick pattern of his feet hitting the pavement, clearly actually running after me. I could feel him behind me, his presence even now burning through me as he got closer.
I spun on the spot, turning at the last second before he crashed into me, not expecting me to turn so suddenly. My hands flew to his chest and I shoved him harder than I ever had.
"Get the fuck away from me, Harry," I shouted, unable to control my seething anger.
"No-"
"Fuck off, Harry, I said we're done," I shouted, shoving him again. It took everything in me not to burst into tears again as I channeled every ounce of pain and anger and disappointment into shoving him as far away from me as possible. My arms started to shake as I shoved him again, my muscles growing weak from exertion and from the unparalleled emotion flooding through my veins.
He let me shove him, not resisting or trying to stop me as I physically tried to express what I knew I never would be able to with words. His face was pulled into a deep frown, and his jaw was clenched more tightly than I had ever seen it. He jerked back slightly with every shove I gave. How could I say how much he had hurt me without looking like a complete idiot? I gave one more shove, pushing into his chest as hard as I could before turning on the spot and walking away from him again.
"Halle, stop," he repeated. "I fucked up, okay?"
"You don't fucking say," I spit, not stopping my quick movement away from him as he followed closely behind.
"I'm sorry!" he shouted, attempting to grab my arm and stop me before I yanked it harshly away from me.
"Don't you touch me, Harry, I mean it," I said angrily.
"Halle will you please stop?" he pleaded, following me even closer than before. Again, I spun on the spot and shoved my hands into his chest to stop him from crashing into me. My arms extended against him and he backed up a few inches.
"What could you possibly have to say to me? How could you possibly justify what you just did?" I seethed, frustrated with myself as tears pricked behind my eyes again.
"I can't, okay? I don't know what happened," he said, his tone laden with resignation.
"That's bullshit, Harry, you knew exactly what you were doing."
He was not about to claim the whole 'I don't know what happened' thing again and get away with it.
"No, that's not- I know what I did. But I mean I don't know why I decided to do that. It was so stupid Halle, I just got so pissed that you hadn't told them and I thought it meant you were ashamed of me-"
"Of course I'm not ashamed of you!" I shouted, cutting off his explanation. "Well wasn't, I don't know about now."
He looked like I'd slapped him, his eyes widening as he stared at me. He took a deep breath before speaking again.
"I know, I just overreacted and just... I don't know, I got stuck in my head and convinced myself in a second that you didn't actually want me," he said, attempting to explain himself.
"That's so stupid, Harry! Even if you did think that, that was no reason to purposefully go after my friend right in front of me," I said harshly, shocked he had thought for even for a second that his behavior was warranted.
"I know, Halle, I'm trying to apologize! I was being fucking stupid and I told you this would happen at some point," he said, a hint of sadness creeping into his tone.
"Yeah, you were being fucking stupid," I growled, refusing to give in to his apology. He was absolutely in the wrong and I couldn't forgive this.
"I know," he repeated. "I'm sorry, please don't say we're done."
"Harry do you know what that did to me? Do you know how hard that was to watch?" I asked, cracking for the first time as some of the hurt that had been eating my insides seeped into my voice. His face pinched together in regret.
"I know, I'm sorry," he repeated. It wasn't enough.
"You don't know, Harry. I was really starting to feel something for you and then you throw that in my face like none of what we'd built up mattered."
"It does matter, Halle. I'm trying so hard," he said quietly.
"This is you trying hard, Harry? Hitting on my best friend in front of me because I was protecting what we were working on? Tell me how that's trying, because I really don't get it," I said angrily. I flash of annoyance ran through me as a tear slipped from my eye, giving away how emotional I still was.
"I'm fucking trying, Halle, what do you want from me? You knew I was going to fuck it up at some point but you still agreed to this," he spit back, getting angry now.
"No, you don't get to yell at me, I'm not the one who fucked up here," I shouted, another angry tear falling down my skin. I wiped at it harshly, furious at myself for crying when I wanted to be strong.
He huffed heavily, trying to calm himself down as he unclenched the fists that had formed involuntarily by his sides.
"I don't know what to do besides say I'm sorry, Halle," he said, his voice losing the anger that had quickly come and gone. The only thing I could hear now was regret and sadness.
"I don't think I can forgive that, Harry. I can't unsee you groping her right in front of me," I said, my voice finally cracking under the strain of emotion. He looked broken standing in front of me, the angst on his face reflecting how I felt on the inside.
"Please Halle, don't give up on me."
His voice almost sent me crashing back into his chest, the shaky tone and the vulnerability of his words breaking what little remained of my heart.
"You gave up before I did. You didn't even give me a chance," I said, finally giving in to the tears that had been slowly managing to escape. I took a shuddering breath as I watched him.
"Hal I know you don't want this to end yet, I'm sorry," he pleaded as he took a tiny step toward me.
I couldn't speak as I watched him move closer to me, the shaky breath I held in my lungs whooshing out in an instant at our proximity. He raised a tentative hand to stroke the tears from my cheeks as he looked down at me.
"Say you'll give me another chance," he whispered.
Again I was silent, unable to form any words as the emotion choked me.
"You still want this, don't you?" he asked again. "Please answer me. And don't lie- we promised we'd never lie, remember?"
I couldn't even feel my body as I tried to remember how well things had started out, but all I could see now was black and heartache as he stood in front of me. Even now, his gentle touch was setting my skin on fire, and I longed to let him wrap his arms around me and comfort me. I longed to hear him whisper he was sorry and that'd we'd get through this.
"Do you still want this?" he repeated, his face more vulnerable than I'd ever seen it.
Don't lie, he'd said. His words echoed in my chest, the space empty now that my heart had been shattered.
"No," I whispered shakily. "I don't."
Don't lie, he'd said, but that didn't stop me from lying all the same.
I could lie to him, but I couldn't lie to myself. I knew I still wanted him as I pulled myself from his grip and turned to move away from him, leaving the broken remnants of my heart on the pavement at his feet.
"How dare you say it's nothing to me, baby you're the only light I ever saw."
Please don't hate me, I LOVE YOU :) Please vote and comment your thoughts! Thanks for reading :)