Resolution

64. Pain

"You're sick of feeling numb; you're not the only one... 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

Song: Pain

Artist: Three Days Grace

"Do it."

My eyes widened in terror as they darted frantically between my shaking hand holding the bill, Ben's face, and the horrifying white substance lined up for me on the table. There was no way I could do this. I'd never done drugs nor had the urge to do drugs, and now, surrounded by people I didn't know and was terrified of, was not the time I was going to start.

"No," I said more firmly as I tried to hand the bill back to him. His eyes locked on mine, freezing me in place. He looked livid that I was defying him in front of his friends.

"You'll fucking do it," he said coldly. I glared back, using every ounce of strength I had not to back down; it wasn't much, however, because of the crushing numbness that had taken me over. I started to feel light headed under the intensity of his gaze. He looked slightly insane, his already unstable nature accented horrifyingly by his drug use.

I swallowed harshly, my body absolutely frozen in place as I thought of how far my life had sunk. Here I was, forced into a relationship with the man I hated more than anyone in the world, sitting in a circle with a bunch of cokeheads while they tried to force me to join them. All I could feel was a cold, numb shock and fear. No warmth, happiness, hope, anything. It was bleak.

How was it possible that only days ago I'd been the happiest I'd ever been in my life? Was it really only a week ago that I had the love of my life, the other half of me, for what was surely only the start of forever? My life had hit two complete opposite ends of the spectrum in a matter of a week and I didn't know if I would ever recover.

I might as well just give up. What did I have to really live for anyway? Maybe this would make me feel something besides hollow.

I was about to take the bill from Ben and cave to his demands when someone else spoke.

"Don't make her, dude. It'd just be a waste," the voice said. I sucked in a breath of relief, beyond grateful to whoever had spoken. My eyes searched the circle until they locked on Damon. He was watching me closely, observing my reaction and noticing my obvious relief. His astonishing blue eyes held mine for a second before darting back to Ben's.

"Let's split it," he offered, appealing to Ben's obvious desire for more. Ben stared at him for a long time as if silently trying to decide what he wanted more: for me to take the line or to have it for himself. Damon's offer won out in the end, because he nodded slowly before bringing the rolled bill to his nose. I tried to stop from crying with relief that I hadn't had to do it as I watched him inhale half the line and pass the bill to Damon, who quickly inhaled the rest.

I flinched as Ben threw his arm around me again. His skin felt clammy against mine where it touched and instantly felt the urge to take another shower. I didn't like him touching me- it was like any contact with him only sent me further and further into my blank, emotionless state.

What I wouldn't give to have that gut-wrenching pain back again; at least then I would know I was really alive. Now all I felt was dead.

"Next time, I won't be so easy on you," he said in my ear, his voice deadly quiet. A chill ran through me as I tried not to react. I could feel my nostrils flaring slightly as my breath forced its way through my nose, my jaw clamped to tightly to allow any passage. I felt oddly calm and very close to a nervous breakdown all at the same time.

I could feel him watching me, his eyes lingering on my skin from beside me. It took everything in me not to shift away from him because I knew that wouldn't make him happy. This was what my like had become: trying not to piss Ben off too much. He finally seemed to use up his attention and turned away from me, allowing me to take the first full breath since the whole drug thing had started.