Seth's point of view;
I'm laying on the bed staring at the tv screen. Even though the tv is on I'm not really paying attention to it.
I've been trying to distract myself lately. There's just no way to distract myself from what I'm feeling though.
There's a knock on the door. "Come in." I say. Kathy peeks in, "We're going out to eat. Do you want to come?"
"No thank you. I'm not really hungry." She nods her head, "Okay. We'll be back later." She closes the door shut again.
My phone rings and I immediately run to get it. I'm hoping to see Nikki's number on the screen. When I see that it's Dean I can't help but to feel a huge disappointment.
"Yeah?" I say. "Gee, you can at least try to hide that you don't want to talk to me." He says. "Sorry. I just... was expecting it to be someone else."
"Nicole right? Well I actually saw her at the performance center today." He says. "Really? Did you talk to her? Did she say anything about me?"
"Yeah. I walked in when she was throwing up. I asked her if she was okay. She said she was but she was very pale. I asked her about you and she said some stuff."
Throwing up? Again? Pale? "What did she say?" Dean sighs, "She said she was nothing but misery. That she had to stay out of your life or she will destroy you. That she was a screw up who deserves to be alone. She said you deserved someone like Renee. Someone pretty, with a great body and someone who's not selfish and immature like her."
"What?" It comes out as a whisper. "Yeah. She said all that. Like she looked so down. So sad. I'm just telling you this because I feel like you should talk to her."
"Yeah thank you for telling me." I say. "Yeah. No problem." He hangs up and I sit on my bed. Why would Nikki say all of that? I just don't get it.
A sudden flashback hits me when I asked Paige about Nikki a few months ago. "Oh well she's fine. At least that's what she says. She sounds really sad though."
"She has a very low self esteem."
"Because she constantly talks about being ugly and stuff like that. Now that she has a neck brace she told me how awful she looks and stuff. I don't know I'm worried about her. She also told me she wants to talk to no one."
I walk to my computer and turn it on. Once it's on I go to google. My hands start sweating as I start typing the words "low self esteem"
I click the first website that pops up. People who suffer from low self-esteem experience extreme anxiety and fear. They believe that there is something innately wrong with them, this causes them to have panic attacks.
After reading this I start remembering a night I talked to Nikki. She came in my room after Dean left.
"I don't know. I was feeling really alone. Brie is out with Roman and Paige is partying. I just didn't want to be alone in my room. When I'm alone it makes me feel terrible. Scared."
My heart starts speeding up as I remember another memory. I had went to Nikki's room to return her purse. When I did she told me not to leave.
"Being alone. I fear being alone. I don't like being by myself it makes me think and do things I don't want to."
I continue to read on the website. People who have a low self-esteem often have self-esteem attacks. They tend to be aggressive, fearful, and even rude. They have lack of self-confidence meaning they feel like they can't do anything right. Some people with low-self esteem also tend to have sexual problems. Since they feel very insecure about themselves. They often feel anxiety when they think of it.
My brain immediately goes back to that one time Nikki and I were talking. I had asked her if John and her have had sex. She blushed in embarrassment as she told me she hadn't had sex with John. That there had been two guys in her life.
"I felt so embarrassed and so ashamed. He had seen me naked and even though he was always sweet, deep inside he didn't like my body. That's why I'm terrified to ever let someone see me..."
I start to breathe really heavy. No, no, this website is describing the way Nikki acts. I scroll down to keep reading even though I'm terrified to continue reading.
People with low self-esteem can develop eating disorders, depression and they can self-harm themselves.
Eating disorders? Depression? Self-harm? It keeps getting worse. I open another tab as I begin typing "eating disorders" on the search box.
Eating disorders are serious psychological illnesses. A person with an eating disorder has obsessions with food, shape, and weight. The most common types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa.
I start reading through the website until something catches my attention. Bulimia nervosa is a serious life-threatening disorder. People with bulimia tend to eat large amounts of food and then try to get rid of the calories in an unhealthy way. They may produce self-induced vomiting, exercise excessively, or misuse diet pills/laxatives.
My heart is still speeding up as another flashback hits me. "Hey, hey, not so fast. You might get a tummy ache."
"I'm sorry."
"No, no, there's no need to apologize, Nikki. It's okay. I just don't want you to get a tummy ache. Okay?"
I continue to read the website as I bite my lip harshly. Bulimia symptoms include: being worried about weight. Being extremely fearful of gaining weight. Feeling like you can't control how much you eat. Forcing yourself to vomit or excessively exercising to keep yourself from gaining weight. Missing laxatives after eating to produce vowel movement.
I remember that time I looked through Nikki's purse. The vivid memory comes to my mind quickly. I took out a bottle out. They were laxatives. Pink circular pills. At the time I thought it was odd for her to carry that in her purse. But now I'm starting to comprehend why.
Some bulimia complications are: dehydration, digestion problems, heart problems, gum disease, absent/irregular periods in females, anxiety or depression, self-harm, misuse of alcohol, suicide.
My stomach turns into knots. Suicide? That's beyond horrible. By now I'm starting to sweat and I feel my heart about to explode.
I open one more tab and type "self-harm". I open the first website that comes up. People who self-harm usually have a low-self esteem. They think hurting themselves helps relive he pain they're going through. A person can self-harm physically or emotionally. There's many ways a person can self-harm. They can cut, burn, or hit themselves. They often wear baggy clothes, long sleeve shirts, or something that covers what they have done.
Of course. That explains everything. Now I understand that broken mirror piece I found in her purse. I thought she didn't know it was there but she did. She kept it there. Now I understand the marks on her neck. She dug her nails on her neck on purpose. The one time I saw the blood on her shirt, that wasn't because she accidentally cut herself. She meant to cut herself.
I immediately get up, grab my phone and keys. I'm running as fast as I can outside. My heart is beating so fast I can hear it in my ears.
How was I so stupid? How did I not notice what was happening to her? What she was going through?
As I turn on the car I unlock my phone. My fingers are shaking violently as I call her. The phone rings and rings but she doesn't pick up.
Come on Nikki. Answer! My throat starts to feel tight and I get a horrible feeling on my stomach.
How did I not notice?