School had got off to a great start. I had returned the practise exams to one of my senior classes, and I was pleased with their results. They all seemed to have a good understanding of the structure of essays and all the points that I had covered with them over the past couple of years. The only thing hanging over me a little was a phone call I had got half an hour ago. Sophie, Dave's secretary had called and asked if I could call in and see Dave at the start of lunch.
Dave deals with all the discipline issues at the school, and so that was my first thought, that one of the children was caught up in something. The next thought made me feel sick. Tom had shared with me on the trip to school, that one of the boys in his class had been expelled last week for bringing drugs to school, he couldn't be involved, not Tom surely.
Wishing I already knew what was going on, and also steeling myself to not look Dave in the eye while in his office was probably the best move. The way he looked in his suits, his shoulders so broad, and then when his eyes locked with mine, I felt like the strength left my limbs.
He was so handsome, and clearly a little careless with his dark hair, which was always a little tossled. His competence at his job added to how sexy and masculine he was, and just being in a close space with him I was probably going to have deal with how great he smelled too. I smiled slightly as I thought of his smell. I had been sitting close enough to him yesterday, that it had encircled me and I found it hard to concentrate.
The bell went and the students buzzed with how thrilled they were with their results and each walked out past my desk to thank me. They were great students, this school was able to have small classes, and every student had their own computer, which helped with research and essay prep but needed close monitoring with some to make sure they stayed on task.
I knocked on the door and Dave called out to come in. He came out from behind his desk and welcomed me with a smile. I glanced down quickly but returned the smile. After I sat down Dave moved to shut the door. That is when I started to get really nervous, together with the fact that he hadn't started talking yet. He leant up against his desk kicking his legs out straight in front of him and crossing them at the ankles. I looked away because from where I was sitting his trousers were bunched right at eye level. Trying not to look at how he was filling his pants, or imagine him hard and unzipped, I found myself asking, "So? what did you want to talk about?" I studied my hands folded on lap, rubbing gently across my ring finger, remembering when I had taken the wedding rings off, about a year before Cam died. I had never even taken them out of the box since then, deciding that I didn't need any reminding while I was at work, of what my marriage had become.
"Well," Dave began hesitantly. "You might be aware that I came across a student in the possession of drugs last week." I nodded. I couldn't work out why he was being so formal with me, and I was waiting for the axe to fall. "Well, ah. I did a bag search. There were some things that came to my attention during that search that I have since followed up on. One of the things I would like to talk to you about is, ah, well..." He walked back behind his desk and picked up a pen, looking out his window with his back to me. I couldn't take any more, the suspense was killing me. So I burst out,
"You are kidding, Sophie rang me over an hour ago, asking me to come in here. Now that I am here, you don't think the agony of waiting was long enough? Now you are going to drag it out further? Can you please just tell me. It is Tom isn't it?"
Dave turned back without lifting his head he starting speaking, "Tom only had cheese and a couple of crackers. I took him aside and asked if he was going to the dining room for lunch, and when he shook his head I let him go at that. But it has been on my mind so I was wondering if it was a matter of money that he.... Well, I always have these," he reached into his drawer and pulled out vouchers for a local supermarket. "You just have to say. Or I could arrange lunches with the dining room if it was easier for you."
I was fuming, his words washed all around me. Was he serious? where to start? "Let me be clear, you have called me in here to discuss what my son had choosen to take for lunch?" when Dave nodded. I needed to clarify, "that's all? nothing else?"
When Dave nodded again I was relieved but at the same time the anger and embarrassment rolled over me and I vented it. "I spend an hour wondering if this could be about drugs, or behaviour. Tom and Jessie have been amazing. Their grades have stayed strong, even though last month was a year since they lost their father, and we went and committed the ashes. All this and they are great. But you want to talk to me about cheese and crackers?"
By now I was standing and walking between the wall and back to the front of his desk, in a stew. Even his shirt sleeves rolled showing some ink of a tattoo just below one elbow wasn't enough to keep me from saying more. He looked great and I wished life and our relating was different but it wasn't. I had to stay in the real world for the kids, and I had to try and stick to it. Because this wasn't the movies, it was life, and I had to make the best of it.
"Tom has a job to do in the morning, as part of him growing into a young man. He has to get himself ready. Thats it nothing more. I don't do it for him. Aside from Jessie or I reminding him of the passing time. So if he has cheese and crackers that is his choice. It is not one that he would make often, because he would be hungry, but it is certainly not my lack of providing for my children. How dare you insinuate that I am doing less than I should. If it came to it, and may I add it hasn't, I would go without to see that my children eat. But I can still fuel the car, buy food and clothes. We do ok."
I paused for breath and I noticed that he still hadn't looked at me only glancing up ocassionally. He looked nervous and uncomfortable, but right now I couldn't care about that. "If you continue to do this," I signalled the vouchers that had fallen from his hand to the table, "interfering, then I will be forced to consider pulling my children out of this school and trying to find work elsewhere." Nodding emphatically, as though I was agreeing with myself. I walked to the door, "I won't be attending any more English faculty meetings, I have made my apologies for the rest of the year, and Iain said he will email me the minutes. Like I told you yesterday. Find yourself another charity."
I was fuming. I was still angry when I pulled up outside Cassie's house 4 hours later. She was a great friend and sounding board for my issues and life. I tried to do the same for her. The children had late practises and were going to be dropped off here for dinner. Cassie's husband Max was a police sargeant and he was on night shift so she had invited us for dinner and we all enjoyed the company.
We had settled in their stunning front room, watching the clouds roll over the hills of Dunedin, and the sun on the harbour. "Elsie is growing so quick, she is going to have fun this christmas. A little 3 year old. I remember that, they enjoy the packing as much as the gift." We both smiled and laughed at that.
I sighed, "I don't miss him Cass. Is that terrible?" We had been here before, so many times, I had cried and she had listened. She would remind me that I had done the same when she lost her Mum and that this is what friends did for each other.
She didn't answer, realising that I was still just reflecting. "I don't cry as much as I used to, so I guess that means I am getting stronger? not really sure about that. But the children are more settled and reconciled. I have been working really hard to try and stay connected wtih them. I can't see Cams family, but I encourage the children to ring and visit their grandparents. I guess I just feel too guilty, that I wasn't the wife I should have been." I finished my drink and put it on the table. Cass turned and buzzed out to get a cloth to clean up the drink that Elsie had just spilt and we laughed as she copied her mum wiping the table.
"I hadn't worn my rings for months, probably a year before Cam died and I guess that was my way of admitting I was disappointed with what our relationship had become. Also, ah...I have these dreams."
Cassie looked interested, "Really, you and Cam?"
I went red with embarrassment, standing up I went to the window, "ahh, not exactly. It is someone else, and I have become the same terrible, stressed sad person I was with Cam. I don't ever want that again, and I am not sure how to avoid it."
Cassie always seemed to know when to answer or when it was rhetorical. I wondered if it was because she had grown up with her parents working as pastors in the church and seeing them talk to people, and help them. Maybe it was second nature to her. But she was so wise and considered with her answers that I always felt lighter when I had been here.
"It wasn't you Susie, and it wasn't Cam either. It was you being friends, you didn't magnetise each other, you were good friends. So when you married, that was just what happened when financial and other pressures came along. You will find someone that you feel attracted to and beautiful with. You are gorgeous. Look at your legs, in those skirts you turn heads. Your skin, has an enviable tan most of the year, your ready smile and laugh, even after all that you have had to cope with. You are an inspiration to us all. Your kids are thriving with your parenting, and encouragement. Any man would be lucky to have you."
I gave a snort, but the encouragement found its mark, I was quite uplifted. "Cass, sorry about this, everytime I have awkward questions they seem to come up when I am with you, but do you have any experience with, ah, about...." I stopped I didn't know if I could voice this, it had been over a year of trying to understand my marriage, and reasons came along that were so bizarre sometimes that I immediately discarded them, but this one had hung about for several months now and I couldn't shake it. "Guys who marry, but they, they aren't really into...ah woman." I felt so disloyal saying this out loud. Cam had been a loving husband who always saw to my needs and he loved being with the children. I had never had anything to really base this on but lately I had been thinking a lot about it.
Particularly our time in bed together. The more I thought about it, the more unusual it seemed. Cam would usually push me round into a spooning position, placing his hand on my back pushing me away, so my bottom pushed backwards into him. He would often grab my hips from this sideways position slamming me back on him, or reaching round to grab my breasts. He would occasionally allow me on top, and most often he would cover me, entering in one move, then almost smoother me, as he pumped, and all without a word. Maybe it was normal. We had been together forever and he had been my first.
I did wonder at times it I would ever know a man filling me again, if any of the fantasies I was having about Dave were ever done by couples to each other just for sheer enjoyment. I laughed out loud, get a grip, that is all it is, a fantasy. No, that was not real life, now that my youth was gone, nobody would ever want me that way again, I would probably grow old alone.
I looked around, becoming aware again, realising that Cass had come to stand beside me. "You ok?" She looked concerned. I nodded, looking away. "It is possible Susie, but, really? You think that about Cam? Is it worth chasing that down? Looking into his past? I would be very careful about doing it. Unless it directly impacts on you and helps you to move on. Some guys do choose to marry because their desire for kids is so strong, that they think that they can supress and control their desire for men. But Cam? You would be the one most likely to have noticed. They say in the bedroom, that,.. ah... how would you put it, being taken from behind is a favoured position, and also less interest in hand holding, or any type of physical contact outside the bedroom with their wife. But realise too, particularly in a conservative upbringing, some men can be in denial about their own sexuality, and no matter how hard you dig, you may never find the answers you need, and it may or may not have any basis in reality."
I nodded, she was right, what would I gain? I thought back to our bedroom encounters which was the only place that Cam would touch me and remembered the times I had offered to go down on him, trying to be sexy, and he had borne it without a word. I had stopped doing it for sometime, and told him I would only ever do it again it he asked me to, because I had no idea if he enjoyed it or not. Then sometime later he had gripped my hair and worked me down his body, when I asked, "Do you want this?" he had simply grunted but held me there. I managed my own orgasm that night by discreetly touching myself and my breasts.
I don't know if attraction and sexual tension is ever like my fantasies, but the escape and the 'permission' I gave myself in them to be a woman, and a sexual being was clearly something I needed so maybe I needed to let Dave take me in my sleep.
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Sexy enough??
Dave is gorgeous, but in his thoughtfulness, keeps putting his foot in it. Susie is so sensitive about her few resources barely being enough that she doesn't like help.
comments?
please feel free...? This is the first time I have tried my hand at writing such full on sexy little scenes. Do you think she should let him go all the way....? in her sleep?.... orgasm fully?... or not.
comments??
should she look into Cams past?... will it help her? .... is the being taken from behind as a guys preference really a sign of anything?.... poor Susie.
votes.........vote.......vote......? thanks
as always thanks for reading......
xxxx
13 more sleeps