Lesley's P.O.V
***
"I woke up with the light cascading through the curtains, I look beside me and imagine you next to me, bodies tangled to keep each other warm."
I shut the book as guilt creeps up on me. I'm supposed to think about Kyan, but why does Adam always intrude?
I learnt. I learned that your first love gets all your heart. Your second love gets half of your heart and half of your mind. I'm reckoning the third one gets only the mind.
Kyan and I started as best friends. He helped me get out of the abyss I was trapped in and for that I will be forever grateful. One thing lead to another and I fell for him. I can't believe my life turned out to be exactly like those novels I read: a love triangle.
I wanted closure more than anything with Adam. We never had one since it ended ugly. I convinced Kyan to go for the funeral in hope of a closure but God if I only knew that all the years that passed would drag me back to square one.
I'm madly in love with Adam. That for a fact has never changed, but perhaps let go of. Knowing Kyan is coming any minute into the room, makes my stomach ache and ache and ache. A sudden rush of guilt creeps up on me. Is this what cheating is about? I haven't cheated. So as soon as Kyan enters the room, I stand up and walk to him. His face falls when he notices my wet cheeks. I inhale and exhale about thirty times before I hug him.
"I need to let you go," I whisper to him.
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"I can't be your best friend anymore."
He holds my face confused. "Why?"
"You're better off without me," I reply. "I said no at the alter. I turned your life ugly. My heart isn't yours as much as I tried giving you what's left of it." I look at him. "You're a beautiful person, Kyan."
"Lis, where is this coming from?"
"I saw him. I went for closure, I promise you. But it hurts. God, it hurts." Tears rush down. "And what hurts more is knowing that I'm hurting you as well. You deserve better." I say while shaking.
"Stop saying to someone who loves you that he deserve better. You're the better."
I sigh. "I thought you don't love me anymore, Kyan." I step away.
He looks away, staring at ballerina box on the counter. "I thought I didn't. But now, knowing there's someone else, I can't hold it in."
I fold my arms. "That's not fair."
"How is it not fair? Knowing you are running back to him after me? Running back to the first love? What was I? This shows I had no significance in your life. That you were using me just to get over him!" He starts yelling.
I flinch as he knocks off the ballerina box to the floor. "That's not true! And I'm not yours nor his. I'm no ones for now. And..."
"For now?" He interrupts. He laughs. "You're planning to go back to him?"
"I- I," I clear my throat. "I don't know, Kyan. Everything is a blur and I know I can't stay talking to you because I don't know what my next actions will be. I am tired as well of pleasing everyone!" I shout. "When do I get to please myself? Huh?"
"Please yourself. I don't care. If it was anyone else, I would congratulate you. But not him for fucks sake. Not him." His voice comes out flat.
"Not him? then who? You?" I raise my eyebrows.
"Yes, God damit. Me!"
"You knew all along what you were getting yourself into with me. I pushed you away and away and you kept coming. I did love you, Kyan. I still do."
He sighs. "But you love him more." When I don't reply he nods, already knowing the answer without confirmation. He walks pass by me and slams the door shut. I crawl to the bed and spend my night crying.
***
And then I wake up dazed to a text message from Megan.
Adam needs to see you. It's important.
My mouth turns dry. I look at the door waiting for Kyan to walk in and read the truth on my face. one...two...three..four... nothing
Don't make me do this. If he needs to see me, he can talk to me himself.
I text back and stare at my phone. Not even a minute passes by as my phone starts ringing flashing Adam's name across. My mouth turns dry. breath in... breath out.
I run to the bedroom door and double check that it's closed. I bit down on my lips and answer.
I hear his breathing over the phone. "Hi," I say.
"Hi," he replies. Tears fill my eyes and I hold back a wheeze.
"How are you?" I continue.
"Where are you?" He asks. I look around the bedroom and my heart stops. At Kyan's.
one..two..three..four...five...
"Lis?" He pushes. I melt as he calls me like that. "You're at his place, aren't you?"
"Ehmmm," I stutter.
I hear him exhale deeply. "I'll text you a location. Meet me there in an hour." He clears his throat and hangs up, forbidding an answer back from me.
I stare at my black screen as my hands starts to shiver. Make the pain stop.
And then I stop. I have had enough, always the victim and wounded. I'm not a damn puppy. I'm an independent woman and no mankind is going to steer my damn wheel. Anger storms over me and as if I clicked, I die inside. The pain stopped. I get up furious, wash my face, throw some clothes on, and storm by Kyan.
He calls after me. "Where are you going?"
"To see Adam," I bluntly say as I head to the front door.
"So you're running back to him now?" He hurtfully mocks.
I freeze in place and turn to him. "Run back to him? You think I'm this easy?" I squint my eyes. "Listen, Kyan. I do whatever the hell I want. You don't control me and I'm not your property. I understand you love me, and I would lie if I didn't say I feel a hint of that toward you, too. But love is not enough anymore. God forbid me if I'm not tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders." I exhale. His face turns blank.
"I know you are more than understanding with me and want what's best for me. You are a beautiful soul..." I stroke his cheek,"... I'm an ugly soul." My voice comes out soft. I lean forward and plant a goodbye kiss on his cheek. "Take care of yourself. You were doing fine without me. So, you'll survive. I promise you. You just don't know it yet." I faintly smile.
He swallows, hesitant of what to say. "I let go of you easily and God if only... I wish I can turn back time." He says with regret. "I just want you to be happy and I've realized your happiness is no longer with me. It hurts, but it's the truth." He looks away.
"That's not true," I interrupt. "When I reflect to the time we spent together, I was the happiest. I will forever be grateful of what you have taught me and the person you enhanced me too. You were really the best thing that ever happened to me." I finish.
"But good things have to come to an end, don't they?" He smiles sarcastically. He kisses my forehead and I allow it to tingle a little. The pain returns. "Thank you for showing me what love is. Take care of yourself, èclaire. I'm always here if you need me."
I stare into his deep dark eyes searching for light but there's nothings. I broke him. "I'm so sorry for breaking you." I plead.
He shakes his head. "I didn't know a person was capable of breaking until I met you. " He strokes my hair and wipes away my wet cheeks. I didn't even realize I'm crying.
"Lesley, it's a beautiful chaos, all of it." He fakes smiles and kisses my cheek. I inhale and exhale.
"take care, yeah?" I say.
"Always." He forces a smile. I nod and retreat heading to the door. Before I close it behind me, I turn to him across the distance, "I'm sorry."
"I forgive you," he genuinely says. His hands are in his pockets, tie is loose, and his eyes are the saddest. I'm sorry.
I close the door behind me.