Nikki's point of view;
"Nicole? Are you okay?" Brie says knocking on my bathroom door. "Yes." I say clenching my stomach.
Today Brie and I have a photo shoot for a body magazine. We often get calls to do photoshoots because we're twins.
The thing is I despise it.
Standing next to Brie in a sports bra and shorts makes me feel like a hippo. Brie is so, so, perfect and I wish just for a second I was her.
She's got everything I don't. A perfect body, flawless skin, a husband. Brie is happy. That makes me crave happiness. I want to be happy with myself and my body but I just can't seem to find happiness.
When I walk out of the bathroom I see Brie holding the laxative bottle I left on my nightstand. "Whats this?" She asks shaking it.
"You know what they are." I say trying not to sound too nervous. "I do know what they are but why do you need them?"
"For bowel movement, Brianna. For what else?" She presses her lips together, looks at he bottle and then at me. "Are you misusing these?"
"What? No! I just.. I've been having trouble using the bathroom lately." I lie grabbing my purse. "Are you sure? Nikki, laxatives are no joke okay? If you misuse them it can be a horrible thing. It's dangerous."
"Brie, I'm not misusing them." Lately, I've told nothing but lies. But what am I suppose to say? Oh yeah, I'm taking laxatives to get rid of everything that doesn't come out when I force myself to throw it up.
"Okay. Just making sure. It says here you shouldn't use them for more than a week. If you keep having trouble, make an appointment at the doctor. I'll go with you if you want." She puts the bottle down and I nod my head.
"Okay momma, Brie." I chuckle as she rolls her eyes. "I'm serious. I just have a weird feeling in my chest. I don't know, must be a twin thing."
She walks to the door and opens it as I follow her behind and close it. "Romans taking us." Brie says as she presses the button to the lobby.
We arrive and I see Seth who's chatting with Roman. He's smiling at something roman is saying. Then he laughs. Laughs like Roman is telling the funniest joke in the world.
I feel a tingly feeling in my belly as I feel myself smile. "Come on." Brie says interrupting my thoughts. I quickly stop smiling and follow her.
"We are ready." Brie says as she holds Roman by the hand. "Hey, Nikki. Brie told me you two were doing a photo shoot today." Seth says causally.
How can he talk to me so normal after what I told him last night? After the times we've laid on the same bed? After the many things we've said to each other?
Brie clears her throat and gives me a look. Have I been staring at him this whole time without answering?
"Yeah. We do." I finally say. "Oh well, I'll have to buy that magazine." He says with a grin and I smile. "Of course! To support your little sisters." Brie answers.
Seth and I stop smiling at the same time. "Right." Seth replies with an uncomfortable look on his face. Like using the words "little sisters" is prohibited or something. Which in this case it is I suppose because Seth did confess he likes me. Not in a brother/sister way.
"Well we should get going or we won't be there on time." Roman says. Brie kisses Seth goodbye on the cheek and walks with Roman to the door.
"Um, bye." I mumble awkwardly. Seth stops me and grabs my hand. "Good luck." He whispers slowly letting go of my hand. "I'm not doing a match. It's just a photo shoot Rollins. I don't need good luck."
"Eh, still good luck." He smiles like a nerd and I can't help to chuckle. "Nicole!" Brie calls from the door.
I walk away from Seth to Brie. "What were you two talking about?" Brie asks as we follow Roman to his car. "Nothing. Just saying good bye."
<<••>>
"No, no, no! Nicole I need you to focus." The photographer says. "Sorry." I answer quietly staring at my shoes. "I need you to enjoy this and to relax. I can't do my job if you won't cooperate with me."
"Sorry." I whisper again. Brie looks at me worried as I take a deep breath. "Do I have to- do I have to wear this?" I ask staring at my red bikini that's identical to Bries.
"Yes, Nicole. It's a body magazine. You need to show your body." The photographer says and I can tell he's getting really annoyed with me.
"Okay." I say in a shaky voice. He takes a deep breath and looks at me, "We're going to take a break. Five minutes. That's all you have to get ready. This is a big opportunity for you two and it's a shame if you waste it." He walks to the corner of the room to grab a bottle of water.
Brie steps closer to me and puts her hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?" She sounds really concerned so I force myself to smile. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just a little tired. I'll be right back."
The one thing I would hate right now is to stare at myself in the mirror yet here I go walking to the bathroom.
When I see myself in the mirror I hold my breath. I turn to the side and look at my gut as I exhale my breath disappointedly.
There's no way I look good in this. Just no way. Brie looks so flawless in this tiny bikini and when I see myself wearing this it makes me cringe.
An ugly feeling in my chest starts spreading throughout my whole body. My hands start shaking and my knees feel weak. It feels like I'm going to break.
My breathing is so fast and so heavy it feels like there's no oxygen in the room. My lungs are burning because I want to scream.
It feels like even though I try so hard nothing is changing. I'm still a mess. An ugly mess. I'm still not perfect and I never will be.
I feel an enormous urge to punch the mirror and break it to erase that hideous reflection. I grab my neck, digging my nails deeply in my skin. I'm shaking my head because these thoughts are killing me.
My eyes are stinging with hot tears but I blink them away. I stare at my reflection watching how weak, broken, and vulnerable I look.
One day, one day I will make you proud. One day, I'll be perfect. One day I'll be happy. One day it's all going to go away.
"Nikki?" Brie says as she opens the door slowly. I stop digging my nails in my neck and turn to her. "Yes?"
"The time is up. Are you ready?" She asks biting her lip. "Yes. I'll be right there. I just need to wash my hands." She still looks worried but I smile and then her expression softens a bit.
"Okay." The door shuts and I look down at my bloody fingernails. There's blood inside my nails.
I open the sink to wash my hands. Then I grab a wet paper towel and pull my hair to the side to wipe my neck.
It hurts when I do it but it's also soothing in a way. I put my hair back down covering my neck. Then take a deep breath glancing at my reflection in the mirror once again.
One day.