"My mind is gone, I'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears I'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel"
*****************************************************************
Mary J Blige - Empty Prayers
"You destroyed my life Robyn.."
I sighed as I let the tears fall as I stared up at the ceiling.
I tried my best to keep you here
But it's hard to hold a shadow
You said goodbye but I couldn't hear
Too busy praying for a miracle
"I love you.. " I whispered as my tears fell while watching his fall as well. I wasn't sure why they were there but I had only seen him like this a few times and it was always me messing shit up, but this time I didn't know what he was rambling on about.
And you left me on my knees
You just walked out the door
You didn't even have the decency to intervene while I was begging God for
You to love me
But I knew he was mad and I hoped saying those words alone would make him see that I did love him with everything in me. I tried getting him to tell me but he wasn't making sense. So there was no point in me arguing when I didn't know why we were even fighting.
He looked at me and his grey eyes turned cold and I knew I wouldn't like what he was about to say despite him saying nothing less than hurtful words to me since he walked in.
I prayed about us every night
Boy I know you had to hear me
You could've stopped me then and told the truth
But instead you pulled a pillow over your head
"You know I thought the problem with you was that you just needed the right guy that they didn't know how to handle you but its not any of them its you, you just string guys along cause even though you say you love me Robyn? You actually don't cause I guess the only one you are capable of loving is the guy who beats you.."
"Don't." I croaked and he moved towards me but then stopped, he knew he hurt me . That was the lowest he could go, he knew that. Everyone had used it against me before I just didn't think he would be the one too..
"Just leave me alone Robyn." He didn't have to ask me twice because I couldn't look at him no more.
I needed to get away from him because while everything he said hurt, the last person I loved left me beaten feeling lost and alone making me whole world changed and Roman was the one who gave me hope. But it didn't matter how angry he was, I thought he'd know that I never wanted it thrown in my face. I never wanted me going back to Chris over and over again thrown in my face...
And you left me on my knees
You just walked out the door
You didn't even have the decency to intervene while I was begging God for
You to love me
"Hey Rih.." I heard Dean as I guess he was on the same floor.
"Rih!" I ignored him and closed the elevator before he could get to it before pressing the stop button and feeling everything come out. My tears didn't wanna stop.
You should've told me it was useless, that I was praying empty prayers
But you hopped in your car, pulled out your keys
While you were leaving, I was begging God for you to love me
"How can you fix something you never wanted? Its over Robyn."
"Its over Robyn"
"Its over Robyn"
"Robyn!"
"Robyn!" My eyes snapped open and I saw Jenn hovering over me with Seth in the background and frowned.
"Er I came to fetch my sweater. You said I could come by next time you were in town, er I have an appearance to get to. I'll let myself out.." Before I could question him Jenn took my attention.
"What the fuck is going on girl, I had Seth kick down the door. Why you lying to me?"
I had been at home for the last couple weeks because I couldn't stand facing everyone whether it be backstage or at the studio. I had Jay knocking at my door due to me missing the release of the song when I flew out to Roman but I didn't let him on the property.
I was hiding out, wanting to be alone.
"You said you went to spend time with Roman but Seth said he hasn't seen you around in over a month. Jay's biting my head off saying we have shit to finish.."
I sighed and sat back as I gazed around the bathroom and at my broken bathroom door not even sure why I had locked it.
"I honestly don't give a fuck" I shrugged as I felt the sadness gnawing at me.
He didn't want me , the only man I truly love didn't want me.
"What happened?" She frowned as she sat on the edge of the bathtub.
"He broke up with me. This time its no games its just we're done. I don't even know what I did I just.. He don't want me no more" I didn't wipe my tears that were falling as there was no point.
I went from hardly ever crying to not being able to stop because my house was filled with Joe everywhere. I wanted to take down the pictures , wanting to throw them around but that would hurt me more. I didn't want it to be over...
And I know that He had something better to do
Than to sit and listen to a broken-hearted fool
Could've been saving the world from a tragedy, but instead He was listening
To me
He was the man who told me he could deal with Robyn. That he could be everything I needed that he would be the guy that was different from the rest and he was but clearly I wasn't what he needed. I had somehow hurt him.. Somehow done something that hurt him..
I was asking, begging for a sign to bring comfort to this lonely heart of
Mine
But apparently you're not what I need
I guess you walking out was Him answering
Two weeks and he hadn't called.
I hadn't called him either maybe because I hoped it would make him realize I was giving him space that I understood when I didn't. I didn't know , nothing he said made sense..
I hadn't even spoken to him two weeks ago and even if I accidentally called him. I had only been complaining about how much I missed him and gushing to Timbaland who questioned me about the new man in my life.
Timbaland had attended quite a few shows and was a fan of the whole thing so he was into us and I finally had hope that at least one person besides Bey and Jenn saw we were magic. Drake had been annoyed but I shut him out because being able to speak to a man I had known for over ten years about the man I was in love with and he didn't judge me was comforting..
You left me on my knees
You just walked out the door
You didn't even have the decency to intervene while I was begging God for
You to love me
"What do you mean he don't want you?"
"He said its over , so its over as simple as that"
I tried my best to keep you here
But it's hard to hold a shadow
****
"What?" I snapped as I dropped my weights.
Renee and Dean glanced away before getting back to their workouts.
"You told her didn't you?" I sighed as I knew that look on Renee's face.
Dean didn't say anything as he plugged in his earphones. I should've known they weren't just looking to work out with me at 2am..
"You are a fucking idiot!" She glared as she walked over to me. I stared down at the blonde who I didn't have the energy to get a lecture from right now.
I was annoyed because due to Rusev being out injured there was a chance I would be missing another PPV as they felt we needed a rematch. If not I guess it would be me and Cesaro starting a feud soon which I didn't mind, we had been friends for a long time and I wouldn't mind going up against him but the fact that creative wasn't letting me know how the fuck things were going left me qualifying to face off in a Fatal4way next week.
"She fucking used me and I'm the idiot?"
"I don't care what she said she didn't use you! The only reason I haven't said anything since Dean told me was because I was hoping you would be the sensible Joe I know and realize that she loves you and try and get back the woman you claim to love" She rolled her eyes as she folded her arms.
"Renee.."
"Don't Joe. Yes maybe she said that"
"She did , no maybes"
She sighed, "she could have been drunk or something. People say and do crazy things when they are drunk Joe. Doesn't mean she meant it. There are so many possible reasons for it and I know for a fact you probably haven't given her a chance to explain"
"She doesn't need to explain Renee. She broke my fucking heart. Spent fucking nine months with me planning our lives and then she just throws it all away. And doesn't even give me a fucking reason.."
"So you are telling me everything was an act on her part" I heard Dean as clearly Renee was giving him balls to come at me.
I shrugged.
"So when I saw her crying in your arms on our first trip together it was an act? When she told you about Chris on the yacht it was an act? When she spoke about kids with you it was an act? When she pushed past me before I came to your hotel room in tears that was an act? I have been holding shit in because like you said you are my brotha so I got your back. But you are my brotha and I want you happy and she's the only one who makes you happy"
"Made me happy" I stated despite doubting myself as I had ignored everything we had gone through and focused on the phone call. On Jay's words running through my mind, telling me she wouldn't change..
"Are you serious right now Joe? You're only hurting yourself. I know you are not used to this and you are hurt and we all know that hot head of yours but you love her and while you might doubt it. I know she loves you, if that was all an act then I'm not in love with this idiot" I glanced between them and I saw Dean pick up my phone.
"And we know that ain't true" He gave a small smile.
****
"He said all that?" She frowned and I nodded slowly.
"Its true though. Maybe I was just using him, falling for him because in a way I was still being Rihanna rebelling against my company by being with someone they hated." I whispered as all his words were spinning around in my head.
"Its not"
"If its not then that means the only man I love with all my heart doesn't trust me. Doesn't believe that I am capable of being more, that after all these months of being with him he can end it just like that? So which is better? Me believing that I messed up or that he realized I wasn't worth loving?" I whispered as I glanced up at her looking for an answer but I knew she couldn't find the right words because she never expected any of this.
"I just love him so much and.." I heard my phone and saw his face lighting up and despite the happiness overcoming the sadness at seeing it. I picked it up and threw it against the wall.
"Robyn!" She screamed as she looked at the shattered screen as it fell down.
"I don't want to see him. And don't give me that look because its not me being stubborn. He deserves better, I have known it since the beginning and I was stupid to believe that I had grown into the woman he needed. He was so harsh, I turned him into the guy that said that to me. Joe wouldn't say those things to me, I hurt him. Somehow I hurt him and I hate that I did because I do love him, but because of that he needs to get out of this life." I shrugged as I leaned on the edge and I felt her trace through my wet hair.
"Don't shut him out. Don't Robyn, we don't want to go back there.."
I sniffed.
"I don't want to be alone but all he said was true. I hurt people I am not made for love." I didn't care that was feeling sorry for myself. I honestly couldn't care.
"You know he didn't mean them"
"I know but its what everyone says and he listened to them. He finally sees me the way the world does and its best if he continues to see me that way because I'm not more. I can't give him more, I can't be the mother of his kids. I can't be his wife if he wanted that knowing him he saw it all. I hate planning and I planned. I planned a future with him and that was my downfall"
'What if he was calling to speak about these things?" I heard her hopeful voice not giving me the advice I needed because she knew I didn't want that now.
"Then I go back. We go back and then I truly mess up and he goes off on me again and hurts me in the worst possible way when I don't even think he realized how much he hurt me when he spoke about him Jenn.
I didn't know, how was I to know the man I loved then was capable of hurting me was capable of beating me. Was capable of making me feel like it was the end. Make me fear that I wasn't going to see another day. That my life would change because of loving someone that the world loved as well? He threw it in my face. I hate that I loved Chris, I hate that I had anyone before Joe. I hate that I was hurt. I hate that it turned me into this woman who shut herself off emotionally for so long and when she finally finds the best man she destroys it all."
" I fucking hate that I didn't pick up that phone . I'm scared , I'm scared because I'm never going to be anything more than the stupid girl who fell for danger and caused her heart to be empty for so many years. I'm never going to be the one who has the guy she loves go on one knee and propose or have a family. I ruin my own happiness..Jay was right, everyone was right.. Rihanna doesn't fall in love but I did and I fell hard and I don't want to be without him. I love Joe but what if that wasn't a call to speak it out what if it was a call to get my things at his place? I don't want to see him "
I sobbed , "I don't want to see that he don't love me no more. I sound stupid cause it's only been two weeks but I saw love disappear in one night before.. I don't want to be here no more. I want to go home"
"You know you can't Robyn. If you go, then you prove Jay right. You disappoint your fans.. I know you are hurting but you gotta push through. I'll give Renee a call and ask her what's going on with him"
"No, they're his friends I don't want them feeling conflicted. I think its best that its over Drake said it before. We should take a break and I told him he was stupid back then but maybe that's what we need.." I sighed recalling my talk with Drake the day I had fucked up and got Roman high.
"You know Drake be trying to get you away from Roman" I shook my head despite him being annoying. He hadn't tried anything and I respected that he hadn't..
"He doesn't like Roman but he has been a good friend. So I should just give Roman his space. I'll fly out to wherever Jay booked me hopefully as far away from him as possible.."
"Rob.."
"No he was right. I'll mess up eventually. Both of us were foolish in believing that I could be more than Rihanna "