So many angst™ -L
"Woohoo, first day!" Said no one ever. Well, maybe except for soccer moms and those kinds of people.
And Hercules, but he is being infuriating today, not the least of which includes a complete overdose of cheery sarcasm.
I rub my temples wearily. "Mon ami, please. You're giving me a headache with all that happy."
"Happy? Don't you mean happiness?" Hercules grins at me, knowing that I slipped up.
I shoot him a glare. "You know I'm still a bit rusty."
"That's an understatement." It appears that his cheerfulness hasn't disappeared yet.
I feel my heart drop a bit. I had thought I was getting better.
He throws his arm around me. "I'm joking, Laf. Come on. Let's go celebrate. We made it through an entire day of school already!"
"A drink?" I ask hopefully. "Then maybe we can get Alex to make out with someone. It's... Initiation, we'll call it, when he's drunk enough."
"Oh, I was hoping it'd just be the two of us. But bringing Alex and the others is all cool."
"No, no," I rush. "I'd rather go with just you."
"Are you okay? You seem a little... Antsy today," Hercules finally says, giving me a concerned look. "We can stay home tonight and just watch movies. With wine for celebration, but mostly cuddling on the dorm couch."
I try not to let it show how much I want to do that. "Whatever you wanna do, love."
"Well, on one hand, who doesn't love the drunken atmosphere of a bar? On the other hand, I think I love you more than anything that bar could provide. So... Just us sounds great." He grins.
"You're so sweet, mi amour."
"I got nothing on you."
I roll my eyes at him. He pecks me on the cheek as a response. "What can I say? I am a very honest person."
I peck his lips in response, shoving down things that want to come up. Stupid thoughts.
"So, movie night at the dorm? And I'll text John to spend the night with Alex and no random appearances... He does that every so often, you know."
"Does what?"
"Shows up at our dorm with no notice." Hercules sighs fondly at the memory of John showing up at one in the morning.
Different interpretations of this come up in my head, but I shake them away. Hercules raises an eyebrow, giving me an interested look again. For that one second, he doesn't seem nearly as cheerful. Then, he smiles hesitantly at me again.
"Let's go watch our movie," I say suddenly.
He nods. "Okay, let's go. Got any movies in mind, Laf? You always have the best options."
I shake my head and shrug. "Eh. Not really anything in mind."
"Um..." He takes a long pause, thinking of all of the possibilities. "Let's just browse Netflix until we find something then."
I nod and lead him to the couch, hand on his wrist. I snatch the remote before he can, and power in the tv. "What genre?"
"Anything that doesn't have something to do with school," he groans under his breath. "Because everyone knows that school is so exciting."
"Okay, agreed." I flick through the possibilities, waiting for something to strike me. But I'm not even really thinking right now, my mind is in another place.
Hercules nudges me. "Please get out of the French movies. Some of us still don't know French, and really regret taking Spanish in high school. Just saying."
I pout but switch the genre out. We're now looking through sappy romances. My brain just won't stop thinking though. Finally, Hercules takes the remote and randomly selects a movie. He gives me one more long look before settling in, cuddling against me.
I snuggle in, trying desperately to ignore the speculations circulating in my head.
At some point, the sarcastic remarks at the events and the jokes about what is happening fade. I glance over to see that Hercules is fast asleep, drooling slightly on my shoulder.
I chuckle slightly to myself, and try to move him off me in a way that won't wake him up. I have to go and take a walk.
I find myself out the door, exhaling. It was too much right now, to be near him. Hercules, sweet Hercules, couldn't understand. Not that he mentally couldn't, but I couldn't tell him.
No, never, because what I was feeling was fake. This stupid sense of non-belonging, of uselessness.
I wouldn't put him through that.
Next morning, I'm curled in my bed, a bit cold. Seven o'clock, and he's still fast asleep on the couch. We have class today, and I need to get him up.
I just don't want to get up though. Because getting up means I have to face the day, and be happy for everyone. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I love all my friends to dearly to be honest! And besides, what is there to say?
I sit up, swinging my legs off the bed to go wake up my boyfriend. I had considered just sleeping with him but... I don't know.
I shake his shoulder lightly, and try not to sound bitter when I say "Good morning."
He moans slightly in his sleep and tries to snuggle deeper into the couch.
"No. Get up."
Hercules finally opens his eyes, blinking several times before sluggishly smiling at me. "Hey, Laf. What time is it?"
"Seven. Seriously, stand up. Classes start soon."
"Oh... Did I sleep since the movie? I must have been pretty tired." He practically tries to roll off the couch before deciding to gracefully get off the couch. He rubs at his eyes and then gently pats my shoulder. "Thanks, Laf. You're the best."
I take a deep breath in and just smile, a bit forced. "I'm gonna go get changed. No sex jokes or suggestions 'till class is in session."
"Aww... You're taking away all of the fun in the morning. I should probably get ready too anyway, though. I'll wait for you so you have time to finish though." He winks at me. "I'd join you if you had to shower, but..."
"A good offer, but I'll have to decline. Now go get dressed."
"Fine." He gently kisses me on the cheek before rushing off to rummage through his dresser.
I sigh quietly at his back and get changed.
Class with Mr. Washington comes about, the class that seems most everyone is in. Reading and Writing is the name of the class. I walk in to see Alex, John, and Eliza sitting close together. Big surprise there. Burr, Jenna, Jefferson, and Madison are in another part of the room. Hercules hasn't arrived yet, and Peggy, Maria, and Angelica are in the front row. I sit down near John.
"Alright class," Mr. Washington begins. "I know this class is titled Reading and Writing, but we're also gonna be doing some debating. Angelica, you don't have to sit there, I pulled in the spinny chair."
Angelica obliges happily, hopping expertly over the rail to the spinny chair, excitedly shooting herself into it. Peggy pretends to clap while Maria pretends to wolf whistle. All silent of course.
Eliza quickly moves to go sit in between Peggy and Maria. Maria winks at her. Eliza decides to play along and blow her a kiss. Peggy proceeds to pretend to puke.
Mr. Washington begins his lecture just as Mulligan slides in next to me. "Sorry I'm late, Laf." He doesn't offer any explanation beyond that. Just that he's sorry.
And why should he? I'm not worth his time.
Alex raises his hand.
"Yes, Hamilton?"
"But what if, in the situation of interest, the semi-colon doesn't apply because the tenses and general grammar of the sentence cancel out?"
"Then, people won't actually care to that point, and you do whatever you want."
Alex whispers 'score' or something that is very similar to that to John before contently settling back in his chair.
I ship them so much.
The class passes quickly, which is very good for a college class. I sling my bag over shoulder and begin to walk out. Hercules hurries after me. "Hey, you seem really dejected today."
I scoff. "Fw, what?"
"You just don't seem as excited as you were before the term started," he candidly replies, giving me a once-over as if scanning for possible injuries.
"Ha. Oh you're so worryable. Don't worry!"
"I don't think worryable is a word. And, I think this is a good reason to be worried." Hercules seems like he's about to hug me or something like that.
I shrug out of his reach. "It is too a word! Probably."
"Hey, Ang." Hercules immediately turns his attention from me to the eldest Schuyler leaving the classroom. He leans in and whispers something in her ear. Then, he rocks back on his heel and awaits for the answer.
She rolls her eyes and whispers something back.
Looking a little offended, he shoots a fiery response to her.
Smirking slightly, she says something quietly that turns his cheeks pink.
Awkwardly laughing, Hercules finally allows me to be a part of the conversation. "So, Laf. Maybe the three of us could all do something together."
"With Angie?"
"Who else? Unless she's busy." Hercules nudges her in the ribs.
She shakes her head. "You guys should just get those two lovebirds to come with you." She seems to realize that her statement doesn't pertain to any two people, and smirks, deciding to leave it at that.
I narrow my eyes at her. "Oh, come on."
"Do you mean Alex and John, Alex and Eliza, Alex and you, Alex and Maria, John and Maria, Maria and Eliza, or Thomas and James?" Hercules rattles off the names easily
"Yes." Angel replies curtly.
Hercules pretends to glare at her. "Always a woman of few words, I see."
"Not at all, normally. I'm just gonna let all the sheeple figure this out on their own."
"Sheeple? Wow, Ang. I feel offended."
"Don't. It's who everyone is except James, Thomas, and apparently Alex. Wait, nevermind not Alex."
"What even are sheeple?"
"Say I'm a wolf, you all are the sheep."
"And you want to eat all of us except Thomas and James. Got it." Hercules smirks.
"It refers to- you know what, never mind."
"Oh, are you saying you scare everyone but Thomas and James?"
"Intelligence," she relents.
"And now we're dumb, thanks, Ang. You know how to make someone feel special." Hercules scoffs.
She nods. "I try."
Eliza runs up and flies into Hercules, giving him one of her famous hugs. "Hi Herc!" She exclaims.
"Oh, hi!" He perks up immediately. "What's up with this hug, 'Liza?"
"You looked like you wanted one," she sing-songs happily. She's practically humming with happiness.
He smiles at her. "Oh, I thought you heard about..." He glances over at me. "Never mind."
I quirk an eyebrow, letting the subject drop.
She nuzzles into him, then lets go. Suddenly I find her in my arms as well. "Don't think I forgot about you, Gilbert."
I pout. "What about Lafayette? You know Gilbert makes me feel like a glitter prince."
"Which is great!" She smiles enthusiastically. I let her go and we separate, walking our different ways.
Hercules seems like he's about to say something, but he keeps cutting himself off. Every time I turn back to question him or something of that sort, he'll just smile and shrug.
The end of the day finally comes, and I find myself sprawled out on my cot, staring up at the ceiling.
"Tomorrow's gonna be fun," Hercules absently comments, already half asleep.
I can't even find it in me to respond to that.
He kinda raises his head before letting it flop back down on his pillow. "You already asleep, Laf? Good for you. I'm getting really worried about you. I don't want you to be suffering and I won't, or don't, know... You know?"
I try and relax my breathing, hoping he'll go on.
"Like... Sometimes, I think that I love you so much, my heart is just going to burst from that. And if you can't tell me anything, you have to wonder, y'know? That... That maybe I'm a little too in love with you..." He chuckles hollowly.
Then, he takes another deep breath. "But then, I'm not really much better, am I? I hate school so much, but I can't tell you that because it's obvious you have something more important on your mind. And my troubles with school are the least of your issues, probably. So... Yeah. Huh."
For a few seconds, I think Hercules has finally gone to sleep, but he starts talking again unexpectedly. "I really hope you weren't awake for that, sweetheart, and you were just psyching me out... Who am I kidding? I trust you. You would have told me you were awake. Or... I trust you. I don't really have to go on about that... Love you, Laf. Goodnight."
I just kind of lie there in shock, feeling a mixture of guilt, worry, concern, sadness, and betrayal on my part. How could I do this?