Our drive home from the hospital was completely silent. Other than the few sniffles from our crying we didn’t say a word. I didn’t even look in his direction. I couldn’t because if I saw him crying it would only make me break down more.
When we pulled into the driveway, I didn’t even wait for Zayn to walk up the stairs. Leaving Valentina at the hospital, six miles away, was not easy. The innocent look on her face when I left broke my heart. She barely even knew who I was. How was she supposed to learn my touch or my scent if she was stuck in a box? I wanted, more than anything, to have been able to hold her for just a minute, but they said we couldn’t until she was at least eating and breathing on her own.
Zayn unlocked the door, and let me walk inside first. The house was completely dark. It almost seemed as if we weren’t even welcome in our own home. Like it wasn’t going to welcome us because we were missing a person.
When the entryway light was turned on, I could finally see where the stairs were. I walked over to them and slowly stomped my way up.
“Rose.” Zayn called after me. He probably wanted to talk to me, or hug me, or do something to make me feel better, but I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to be touched. This was devastating enough. Having someone telling me everything was going to be okay would only make me more upset. I didn’t want to be reminded of everything. I wanted to forget long enough for me to go to sleep, so I could wake up in the morning and go back to my daughter's side.
When I got to the top of the stairs, I walked down the hall at a faster pace. I stopped right before I got to Valentina’s door. I only managed to glance at it for a second before putting my head down and, as fast as I could without being in pain, rushed past it into my own room. I headed straight for the bed. I didn’t want to do anything other than get some rest. This day had drained me.
As I laid in bed alone, all I could think about was Valentina. The image of her laying there helpless replayed in my mind. It was then that I decided I didn’t want to be left alone. I wanted Zayn to wrap his arms around me while I cried. I wanted him to wipe away the tears and then kiss my cheeks where they were still wet. He needed to be by my side, and he wasn’t. I didn’t know why it had taken him so long to come upstairs.
I couldn’t be all alone right now, so I got up, walked out of the room, and went back downstairs to find him. The light in the kitchen was on. I made my way down the hall, and when I reached the light source I saw Zayn laying on the couch. He saw me standing there, and motioned me to come over to him. He sat up, and wrapped an arm around my waist as I slowly cuddled into his side. I was still in a lot of pain from my surgery, and moving around wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.
“How are you feeling?” Zayn asked me. His lips brushed against my hear. It was nice to feel his hot breath against my skin. It made me feel, in a way, more alive.
I situated myself so my head was resting on Zayn’s lap and I was looking up at him. He gently placed a hand on top of my slowly shrinking, and now empty stomach. The look on his face when he couldn’t feel Valentina softly bumping the area where his hand rested was disappointment. I knew he wanted to feel her just as much as I did.
“I’m okay.” I replied to him. “How about you?”
His free hand was running through my hair. “I’m okay too.” He replied softly.
I brought one of my hands up to his face and cupped his cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” He gave me a small closed mouth smile.
Zayn kept looking into my eyes. For the first time since we left the hospital, I forgot about everything. I was distracted by his chocolate brown eyes and how they were only focused on me. The world around us seemed to stop in that brief moment.
When he brought his hand away from my stomach I started to come back to reality. I remembered that the absence of my daughter at home with us was why we were so vulnerable. We were usually so talkative, and touchy when we were sitting on the couch. Zayn would take every chance he got to give me a soft peck on the cheek. He would let me tell him stories of how my day went at work, and we’d talk about the baby as if she were coming in February like she was supposed to. Now we had to figure everything out earlier than we had planned. Of course we wouldn’t have our daughter at home with us for a while, but we still needed to manage everything so we could be with her as much as possible.
I had scheduled to have eight weeks off from work when Valentina came. I had to change that around though. Now I was only going to be taking four weeks off since I wasn’t fully healed from having a C-section, and I would be taking the other four weeks when we could finally bring Valentina home.
Zayn had a harder schedule to work around. He was going to be leaving in two days to do something in America. He wouldn’t get back until the day before Christmas Eve, so that meant I’d have to finish doing everything at home by myself, and spend as much time as I could at the hospital while he was off doing his own thing. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t okay for him to leave, and surely he knew that. The whole One Direction thing unfortunately came first in a lot of cases. He tried to get his management team, or whoever makes these plans for them, to not make him go because he knew where he needed to be, and that was here with his family. They needed all five of them for some reason though. He promised me that he would come home as soon as they let him. It was still hard knowing that I’d be left alone. I had Valentina though, and I shouldn’t have been thinking about how lonely I was when she is left alone at the hospital. Where the nurses would only give her attention when they had to check her monitors or feed her. If she was with me I’d be holding her until Zayn told me to put her to sleep.
Zayn moved under me, causing me to break my train of thought. He pushed me up so I was sitting next to him. “Come with me.” Zayn commanded as he got off the couch, pulling me up next to him. He connected his hand with mine and led us out of the room, turning off the kitchen light before walking down the hallway to the stairs.
He helped me along as the pain where my cut was started to hurt more. The pain medication was good, but it unfortunately didn’t last forever.
Zayn stopped when we got to Valentina’s room. I shook my head signalling that I didn’t want to enter it. “Babe it’s fine. I’m right here. I have to show you something though.” He opened the door, and flicked on the light. He ushered me into the room, and that’s when I saw it.
As I looked around the room tears threatened to form in my eyes. “Why did you do this?”
I felt Zayn step up behind me, wrapping his arms around my body. “I felt bad about what happened the other day.”
I walked forward, Zayn in tow, to the white crib that was now set up along the wall. My hand ran over the painted wood. It looked so perfect in here with all of the pink decorations Zayn had insisted we got. The bedspread was the only thing that wasn’t pink though. I recognized it from pictures of me when I was a baby. The bright yellow bedding with white elephants printed on it seemed somewhat out of place, but it worked.
I let a tear fall from my eye, and turned and smiled at Zayn. “How did you get this?” I asked in a barely audible whisper.
Zayn kissed me gently, and rested his hands on my hips. “When I called your mom at the hospital she asked if she could bring anything down for us. I remembered the picture hanging in your parents house of you sitting in your crib smiling. It’s my favorite picture of you when you were a baby. I thought that it would be nice to pass it down. I know it’s old, but I knew you’d like it.”
“It may be a little old.” I said. Zayn laughed. “We’re going to have to wash it before Val get’s to use it.”
He nodded. “I’ll make sure it’s clean for her.”
My arms wrapped around his body. “Thank you.”
I felt him kiss my temple, and then rest a cheek on top of my head. He swayed us back and forth. “You’re welcome. And just so you know, it was a bitch getting that crib together.”
I giggled into his chest and looked up at him. “You didn’t have to do it right now. You know she isn’t going to be sleeping in here until she sleeps through the night, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but it still needs to be put together. I’m sure you’ll spend time in here with her. Her changing table is in here, and the rocker. I bet you anything that you’re going to sit in that chair all day long and just stare at her like you do now.”
“Yeah.” I agreed. “And what will you be doing? She’s your daughter too.”
Zayn let go of me and walked over to the door, leaving me by the crib. He leaned against the door frame and smirked at me. “I will be standing here like this,” he crossed his arms across his chest and rested his head on the wood surrounding the door, “while I admire my two favorite girls in the world.”
I smile spread across my face. “You’re too perfect.” I walked over to him, and pulled him into the hallway. Zayn shut off the light and closed the door behind me.
“No I’m not. I’m just being a good boyfriend.”
“And father.” I pointed out.
Zayn cupped my face with one of his hands. His thumb brushed across my cheek. “Go in our room and get ready for bed. I’ll be in there in a minute.” I nodded against his touch. He kissed my forehead before sending me off to our room. Zayn went the other direction and walked downstairs for some reason.
I found some of Zayn’s sweats that were way too big for me and put them on. I usually only wore them when Zayn was gone. For some reason I felt like I needed to be closer to him, even though he was going to be laying right next to me. After finding one of his shirts, I went into the bathroom and did my thing. When I came out, Zayn was sitting on the edge of the bed, only in a pair of his sweatpants. My eyes traveled down his shirtless torso.
“Come on.” He stood up, and pulled the covers down for me. I gladly got in bed. Zayn crawled in next to me. “I have something for you.”
Zayn pulled something out from under his pillow. I recognized it as the standard blanket the hospital uses for all the newborns.
I was confused for a moment. “Why do you have that?”
“It’s Valentina’s.” His words shocked me. I took the blanket from him, and held it up to my nose, trying to smell her on it. I could make out the distinct baby aroma that new parents always talk about. “I asked one of the nurses to save one for us. I know how much you want her to be here. Maybe this will help a little.”
“Thank you.” I pulled him close to me, and winced at the pain that was instantly created in my abdomen.
“Do you need one of your pain pill?” Zayn asked as he sat up in the bed. I nodded, and he got up and found the bottle of medicine that was in my bag.
After taking my pill, Zayn climbed back in the bed next to me. I shifted so I was laying on my side facing him. He faced me as well, and placed one of his hands on on my side. I put Valentina’s blanket between us. In a way it was like she was right here between Zayn and I. I could imagine her laying on the bed as Zayn and I admire her sleeping. That would be a reality eventually. Right now we just needed to get through this first night. I could do it.
I had to be strong for my daughter. This was how the situation was, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I would do anything and everything for her to not be in the NICU. But I couldn’t change that.
I had to be strong.
For her.
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A/N: Here it is. As promised. I hope you liked it.
A couple quick things:
1) This story has passed 500 votes. Like I don't even know what to say, so thank you for that, and I am a little over a thousand reads until I reach 10,000. How? I honestly don't even know how to thank you.
2) I know this is a depressing subject, but I'm bringing it up. I've decided I want to end this chapter at around 40 chapters. I don't want to drag it out longer than it needs to be. It may be a little more, or it may be a little less. Just a heads up though.
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~Nicole