Song on the side................................................................................................................................
Chapter 33
My uncle pulled dad off Jeremy and I heard someone, possibly my mom, crying softly from the doorway. Hunter still had his arms around me and was whispering in my ear, “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, Violet. I didn’t know.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I wanted to say, but I couldn’t because my throat was sore and I couldn’t speak.
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY DAUGHTER?” Dad was screaming and shouting and I lifted my head and looked over Hunter’s shoulder to see Uncle Eric and Lucas holding dad back, grabbing his arms and trying to calm him down. I have never known this side of my father before.
Aunt Livvie was crouched in front of Jeremy, saying things that I couldn’t make out. His eyes met mine for the shortest of seconds, but it was long enough for me to see the numbness in them. They were blank, no emotion in them at all. It was almost as if he was dead inside and that made my blood turn to ice.
“Violet?”
I looked up and saw my mom standing over us. Her hand was by her chin as if she had been covering her mouth this whole time and had just lowered it. Her eyes were wide wide wide open and her lips were slightly parted. Her hair had fallen out of her bun.
Everyone had left, including Jeremy, taking him someplace where I could not see him.
Hunter released me, glancing at my mom. “I’ll be right outside,” he said softly, brushing some hair behind my ear and skimming my face. He looked into my eyes, seeing me fully for the first time. I nodded and he slowly got up, whispered something to my mom, and left, closing the door behind him to give us privacy. I knew he would be standing right outside, there for me when I need him.
I wiped my eyes on my sleeve, forcing myself to stand and face my mother. We stood, just looking at each other. Everything she knew about me had changed today. That simple, innocent, clean minded daughter had been stained. She had come back to something completely different. And she couldn’t run from it anymore.
She burst into tears and pulled me to her, crushing. “My baby,” She whispered, sobbing.
And I held her, holding on tighter than ever before.
. . .
I don’t know where they took Jeremy, just that he was out of the house. My aunt and uncle had gone with him.
Hunter had told everyone what Jeremy had done to me when I was getting the first aid kit earlier. When Jeremy was trying to do it again.
The remaining guests sat in our living room, including Hunter, Amy, Lucas, Evan, my parents, and Susan. When I asked my sister where Josh had gone, she said he had left. I kept saying how sorry I was, but she waved it away, saying she didn’t need someone that scared easy anyway. I noticed her eyes were red from crying.
We sat in silence, Hunter holding me close by his side. Every few minutes or so, he would turn, press his lips to my temple and whisper, “you’re okay,” or “it’s over,” or “I love you,” only so that I could hear him.
I didn’t ask what would happen next; I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
Eventually, Evan began crying and Amy said she had to get him home to sleep. Hunter let her know that he was staying, and he would be back sometime later. Amy and Lucas didn’t argue.
I walked them to the door, just to move and do something other than sit and think. They turned to me with sad eyes.
Amy let Lucas hold their son and pulled me into a tight hug. “You can come over whenever you want,” She said softly, soothing my back just like my mom used to. “You’ve become so close to our family. You’re such a good girl. . . You’re such a good girl. . . .”
Tears filled my eyes and I focused on the wall that I could see over her head because she was so short and I wrapped my arms around her tighter and pretended that she was my mom and nothing had ever changed.
When she finally released me, she wiped her eyes and smiled at me. I looked over at Lucas and he nodded his head. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it again, looking away.
I leaned against the door after it had closed behind them, bending my knees and slowly allowed myself to slide to the floor.
What now?
That question was still at the back of my mind. Where was Jeremy now? Was he already having his parents believe that I am a liar? Where these things that I would have to wait until tomorrow to find out?
My parents knew the truth now, but will they believe me once their nephew talks to them? And what about Susan? She and Jeremy had always been close. But I was her sister.
I grabbed fistfuls of hair in my hands and tugged, rocking forward with my eyes shut tight, curling into myself. I would have screamed out all my frustration had I not used up my voice earlier. I hadn’t been able to talk above a hoarse whisper the rest of the night. My mouth opened and my throat constricted, but no sound came out.
I was still screaming with nobody hearing.
I was like that for a while when Hunter came looking for me. He didn’t say anything. He just sat next to me, pulled me into his lap, and rocked me slowly back and forth. My face was pressed against his armpit and his nose was crushed against my temple, but we didn’t move. And I fell asleep, swaying gently with him.
. . .
I wasn’t sure what time it was when I woke, only that it was still dark and I was still in Hunter’s arms. My back and neck ached and my eyes were crusty. I could hear Hunter’s deep breathing and felt his chest rise up and down. I tilted my chin up and saw him staring forward, deep in thought. Had he gotten any sleep? How long had we been sitting here?
“Hunter,” My voice was still a whisper, but a little less sore.
He stretched out and turned, holding onto me tighter. “Violet,” he said. “How are you?”
“I’m tired.” This was not a lie. Even after sleep for however many hours, I felt drained. Like maybe all the fight had been sucked out of me last night. “What time is it?”
“A little past 1:30.” He said, checking his watch.
“Won’t your aunt and uncle want you back home?”
He didn’t answer and I pulled away slightly, sitting up and leaning back against the door, looking at him.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispered, staring at his hands. “All this time . . . God, I spent so much time with him and I never knew. I never fucking knew . . .”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I never meant for anyone to know,”
“Why?” He asked, tenacious. His dark chocolate eyes bore into mine and I could not not not lie to him. Not anymore.
“I was scared,” I admitted.
Hunter sighted, running a hand through his hair. “Of him?”
I nodded. “And what people would think. Who would believe Jeremy, the perfect gut, my own cousin, he. . . He. . .” I squeezed my eyes shut tight and no tears escaped.
“I believe you,” Hunter said, reaching for my hand and holding it, strong.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t.” I poured my heart out to him. “Jeremy was your friend and I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me and you would leave me and I would be alone again and I couldn’t . . . I didn’t want that.”
“Violet, look at me,”
I opened my eyes and I saw only raw emotion in his eyes before he pulled my face towards his and kissed me. It was the softest kiss he had ever given me and I allowed my eyes to flutter closed again.
His palms were warm against my cheeks and his lips were soft. He shifted so that he was kissing my nose and he stayed there. I opened my eyes and was met with all the chocolate I could ever want.
. . .
We moved to the couch and I lay with him behind me, his arms around my waist. I heard his breaths turn even and felt his body slacken and his deep snores were soon filling my ears.
And I fell asleep to the sound of him near me.
. . .
When I woke up the second time, it was daylight outside and I heard someone in the kitchen. Hunter was still asleep behind me, his arm hanging loosely around my waist. Without waking him, I carefully sat up in a sitting position and his hand fell so that it rested in my lap.
I examined his skin; the knuckles still a ghastly shade of purple. I breathed deeply and traced the lines of his hand, running my fingers over the rigid bruises and cuts and down the silky smooth wrist, unlike my scarred one.
I loved this boy.
More than I ever thought possible; more than I ever hoped possible.
Like me, he was damaged, scarred where no one can see, beaten down and pushed around. But he let none of that stop him. So why should I? I made a promise to myself right then that I would change.
The truth coming out was not something to fear, but something to take as an opportunity. I could stop cutting. I would stop crying. I would stop being anything else that Jeremy had “”made me into. For the first time in a long time, I was free, and I was not going to let that pass me by.
I stood slowly, never waking Hunter as I padded into the kitchen, seeing my sister there, in the middle of making scrambled eggs. She had changed out of her dress in favor of large plain pajama bottoms and an old band t-shirt that I have never heard of and that probably didn’t exist anymore. Her hair was pulled back in a low bun and her lips were chapped. She looked nothing like the Susan I knew.
“What are you doing up this early?” I asked, keeping my hands behind my back and my steps small, old habits that would not die easy.
“Couldn’t sleep,” She explained, moving around the kitchen.
“Are you mad at me?” I asked. “, for not telling you?”
The wooden spoon she was suing to mix the eggs slammed down against the pan and I was too shocked to think if it had woken Hunter, who was only a room over. She turned to face me, hands gripping the counter behind her. Tears streamed down her face.
“He was our cousin,” She cried, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. Some of her hair had gotten loose and fell in her face. “How could you not tell anyone? We deserved to know. He’s family-.”
“Not to me.” I interrupted, speaking quietly and avoiding her eyes. “He wasn’t family to me.”
Neither of us said anything and I tried to listen to noise in the house to see if we had woken anybody, but there was not a sound.
“I was scared,” I whispered, looking up. “I was lost and I didn’t know what to do and I’m sorry,” I wiped my eyes and continued. “I never meant to hurt anybody. I never meant for any of this to happen.” I started crying, the real shoulder shaking, lips twisting kind of crying and Susan came to me and held me and I let her. I cried into her shoulder just like I did after mom left.
“Did he know?” She asked, referring to Hunter.
I shook my head.
“He didn’t know who. I never told him. They were friends. . . .”
“God, Violet,” She whispered into my hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. Maybe you could have told me. Maybe-.”
“It happened when you were still here.” I cut her off. “I wouldn’t have told you. I’m sorry.”
I heard her breathe out a long, shaky breath. “When?”
“The Fourth of July. While everyone was downstairs at the barbeque.”
I didn’t tell her any more than that and she didn’t ask more about that night. Only, “Did he do it more than once?”
I shook my head no and she held me tighter. “I’ll still blind him.”
I slumped against her in relief. She believed me.
She believed me.
“I’m scared,” I admitted, whispering my fears into her shoulder. “Everyone loves Jeremy and what if . . . what if nobody believes me?”
She was quiet for a long time. I kept my eyes opened and stared past her shoulder at the burning eggs and waited. “We know what happened,” She said finally. “Jeremy knows what he did. You’re safe now and that’s all that matters.”
And I tried to believe her.
. . .
Everyone woke up a little after that. We sat in silence for a while at the kitchen table, Susan’s eggs untouched in front of; us. Mom’s lips trembled whenever she looked at me and I tried to ignore it.
My dad offered to give Hunter a ride home and he agreed. He pressed his lips to my forehead in front of everyone and I forgot how to breathe for a moment. When he left, I was cold.
“That boy really likes you,” Mom commented when they had left. To still be here, hung in the air, unsaid.
I pushed my eggs around on my plate and nibbled on some, but couldn’t bring myself to really eat anything.
“He loves you, doesn’t he?” Susan asked, her head cocked to the side.
I nodded.
“And you love him?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Are you sure he’s . . . good?” Mom asked, sounding cautious.
“Hunter is nothing like Jeremy.” I snapped and it was quiet again. I found it almost ironic that just a few months ago, I was saying that to myself, and now I’m not the one needing the convincing anymore.
I pushed my plate away and stood. “I’m going to take a shower,” I was still in my clothes from last night and I had a drop of Jeremy’s blood smeared on my sweater.
Without waiting for a response, I hurried up the stairs, locking myself in that bathroom and trying to ignore what had happened there only hours ago. I scrubbed away the night. I scrubbed until my skin turned a light pink and the hot water washed away the fear and regrets. Until they weren’t there anymore.
. . .
I was told that I wouldn’t see Jeremy again anytime soon.
I would not be going back to school that Monday and Susan said she would be staying home for a while and had already worked everything out with her professors. Mom and Dad were taking a few days off work. Everyone was putting their lives on hold for me.
Everything was going to change, that’s what they told me. And I was glad. At least, I tried to be. I would have to be. I had made a promise to myself that I would be and I needed to be, for everyone.
I spent most of the rest of my break with my family, but mostly Susan. We didn’t talk about Jeremy anymore. She told me about school and how college was and we were normal again, if only for a little while.
Hunter called at night and we would be up until the late hours in the late. But he had to leave because he had school in the morning when I didn’t.
The word “rape” never came up in any of those conversations.
I didn’t talk much to my parents, but they were always there, keeping a watchful eye over me. I began writing a lot in those few days where nothing seemed sure. I never wrote about myself, but who I wished I could be. No one ever read them. No one even knew about them. Not even Hunter.
A few days before I was supposed to go back to school- about a week after Thanksgiving- my parents sat me down and had the talk with me that I had been dreading ever since they found out.
Do I want to take this to court? Do I want to press charges? Do I want to get up in front of a judge and lawyers and tell them everything? Tell them that my cousin had raped me?
I told them that I needed time to think about it and they understood completely. But they didn’t, not really.
I haven’t heard from my aunt or uncle since I last saw them and I was too afraid to ask about them so I didn’t. I figured I couldn’t say anything to them anyway. I couldn’t try to convince them that I was telling the truth. That their son was a monster and always had been.
I’ve been thinking about that girl lately. The one that jumped off the school roof last year. I wondered if she felt as trapped as I did. I wondered if she saw any way that could have made things better. I wondered if she would still be alive now if she had.
I don’t know what made her jump that day. I don’t know if anyone could have stopped her or if anyone even noticed that she had thoughts as dark as her secrets. I don’t know a lot of things lately, but I think that I don’t want to end up like that girl.
I didn’t want to be a sad story or a grim mistake. I didn’t want to be broken or silent or scared anymore. I didn’t want to take that one step that would end it all forever because I wanted things to be different.
I’m free now. And I want to make the most of it.
I didn’t know what would happen or who would believe me or if I could ever be the same person I once was, but that was okay.
Because I wasn’t the same.
But that didn’t mean that I had to be what Jeremy thought I was.
I am a survivor.
I am stronger.
And I can be fixed.
Dear Jeremy, when I jump, I’ll have wings to keep me from falling.
~~~~~~~~~EPILOGUE COMING SOON