Tsunade managed to catch herself when she felt the ground rock and turned her head back toward the stadium. Inwardly she groaned. Naruto would more than likely destroy that stadium and she'd have to rebuild the damn thing. A Sound jounin stepped in front of her and cracked his knuckles.
"The infamous Tsunade of the Sannin. I've always wanted to try my strength against yours."
Tsunade rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips.
"Look kid, what's it gonna take for you to go away? I don't have time to babysit right now."
The jounin grit his teeth in indignation and spat on the ground. Already this old bitch was leaving a bad taste in his mouth.
"Listen you old hag. I didn't come here to listen to you talk about your grandchildren, so put your dentures in and let's fight. If it helps, I'll go get your walker."
Tsunade glared at the ninja and squared off, ready to split his head open.
"Your move squirt...or does your mama need to come wipe your ass?"
The sound ninja darted forward and threw a punch at Tsunade's stomach. She sidestepped and was knocked in the face by a spinning heelkick. She didn't falter though and rounded about, charging chakra into her hands in the form of a chakra scalpel and sliced through the ligaments on his legs. The man fell to the ground with a scream and Tsunade punted him across the ground and into a wall.
Sakura landed lightly beside her master and took note of the bruise on her cheek.
"You must be getting slower Shishou. A few years ago someone like him never would have landed a finger on you."
Tsunade rubbed the mark and looked around to her ninjas that were pushing the Oto ninjas back. The damage wasn't nearly as extensive as the last time the Sound had invaded, but it was still pretty bad. The difference had been that there were no summons yet.
A resounding boom echoed throughout the village and she looked up to see a giant badger just outside the city walls.
"Oh Goddammit..."
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Naruto blocked a swing at his side and thrust Kubikiri forward, trying for a jab. Kurosuke nimbly allowed the blade to pass him by and used the momentum to throw a backhand towards Naruto's face. The giant of a man ducked under the blow and was met with a knee to his chin. Naruto took the blow and let the motion carry him through a backflip, lashing out with his steeltoed boot to catch Kurosuke on the chin as well.
Both men flopped backwards and kipped up to their feet, landing in defensive positions. Naruto smirked and spat the blood from his mouth, never lowering his blades.
"You've improved a lot from what I'd heard. Not many get inside my guard without my letting them."
Kurosuke's glare of hatred never left his face as he wiped the blood from his lip, his blade never moving.
"Someone had to be able to beat you. I've trained myself to exhaustion so that I could take on the infamous Master of the Dual Zanbatous on equal ground. I know many styles and I've learned how to counter your style specifically."
Naruto smirked and put both swords behind him, the blades crossing in an X.
"What happens though, Kurosuke, when I don't use the style you've studied to defeat? Do you have a defense for a style that no one has seen in years?"
The Otokage sneered and put his right leg far in front of his left, bending low to the ground, as he brough his sword level with his head with his left hand, holding it loosely, while he let the tip rest in between the thumb and pointer finger of his right. Naruto quirked an eyebrow at the stance.
"Do you have a defense for a style that hasn't been seen in years Namikaze? Or can you only swing those chunks of metal around? Do you even have an actual style?"
Naruto frowned and lowered his body as well, presenting less of a target.
"You know as well as I do that zanbatous have no true style. They're much too large for any intricate handling. That doesn't mean I don't have a few moves I don't use or that I haven't incorporated other styles into mine. If you're lucky, I might even show you a move I found in my father's vault. It's not his, but it was worthy of being in there."
Without another word Naruto shot forward and thrust his swords on either side of Kurosuke. The Otokage looked at Naruto with realization in his eyes before Naruto grinned and jerked the blades back, running them alongside Kurosuke's sides. The blond grunted when he found he had only made splinters out of a log.
"Amazing how the simplest of techniques can save our lives, eh Namikaze?"
"Indeed. I guess since we're using jutsus now, I won't constrain myself to kenjutsu only."
"No one was asking you to."
Naruto smiled and charged a rasengan on Samehada's tip. The sword hummed happily.
"You should have."
The Toad Sannin hurled the jutsu charged sword at the Otokage and watched as the man leapt back, avoiding the explosion. Naruto leapt out of the ensuing dirt screen, swinging Kubikiri like a madman.
"I still haven't seen your style Kurosuke! Let me see your style!"
Kurosuke lowered into the bent style again and narrowed his eyes.
"Gatotsu!"
The two totally ignored the roar of the badger summons outside the walls and rushed forward.
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Gaara, Temari, and Kankurou ceased in their ridding the earth of Oto ninjas to gaze upon a summon they'd never seen or heard of before. The badger roared and took out a few buildings with its paw, sweeping right over the siblings. Temari wiped the debris out of her hair and straightened her kimono.
"We'd better find Tsunade-sama and Sakura quick. That thing is going to cause a lot of damage."
Gaara and Kankurou nodded and they shot off to find the two slug mistresses.
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Naruto grunted as he was thrust against the wall of the stadium. Despite the size differences between the two men, Kurosuke made up for it in speed. The Gatotsu style was built to utilize quick thrusts to make up for power and distance. Naruto hacked up a bit of blood from his lungs and looked down at the shorter man. Kurosuke grinned up at him.
"See? Your size and power means nothing if you can't touch me. I, on the other hand..."
Kurosuke yanked his sword from Naruto's chest and bent low before the larger man could move.
"Zero-stance Gatotsu!"
His thrust sent Naruto through the wall and out into the streets. All fighting stopped when the blonde giant landed on the ground and Kurosuke stepped through the hole he had created, laughing loudly.
"You see Konoha? See where your precious Toad Sannin lies? He lies at my feet and I stand untouched!"
"Would you shut the hell up? I swear, you have the most grating voice."
Kurosuke looked to where Naruto had been buried partially under rubble and saw the Sannin standing, brushing the dirt from his coat. Naruto sneezed, clearing his nose of dust and grinned at the man before looking down at his chest.
"Aw damn, you ruined my favorite shirt! I got this shirt in Kumo you asshole!"
All the ninjas in the street watched as pulled his jacket off and flung it to the side, crushing an Oto ninja under its weight. He heard the roar of the badger and looked up at it, tilting his head. Cracking his neck, he turned to the Konoha ninjas and glared at them.
"What the hell are you idiots doing? Get rid of these guys and go help Baa-chan!"
The Konoha ninjas would have laughed at the absurd request if it weren't for the fact that he was totally serious. They leapt into action and began to take out the enemy ninja with gusto. Naruto sighed and turned back to Kurosuke.
"Forgive my fellow shinobi. They lack manners in the face of those more powerful than them. Now...where were we?"
Kurosuke glared at the man.
"Where is the wound I gave you? I stabbed you clean through, I know I did."
"Don't you read bingo books? I heal really fast. Your former master should have told you all that. Orochimaru never was one for sharing information though. He was always more into pounding ass...your ass, to be precise."
The only answer he received was a quick slash from Kurosuke's sword across his chest, a shallow cut that bled profusely. Naruto grimaced and readied himself for the next strikes. Kurosuke did not disappoint and Naruto began a deadly dance of avoiding the strikes. The first blow from the Gatotsu had knocked Samehada from his grasp and both swords were back in the arena. He didn't know if he could call them from the distance he was now and, unfortunately, had no time to try.
He ducked and weaved through the streets, dodging fighting ninjas and Kurosuke's increasingly spastic swings. Despite his superior speed and Naruto being a large target, he just couldn't seem to hit the blonde. Naruto looked up as he backpedaled to see Tsunade and Sakura raining blows on the badger, while the Suna siblings offered ranged support. He dodged another blow from Kurosuke and rounded a corner.
He bent low as he made the corner and delivered an uppercut inside the man's guard when the Otokage came charging around the corner. His head snapped back and he backflipped away from Naruto, landing on his feet.
"So...we resort to cheap shots now? I had always thought you more honorable Namikaze.'
"There isn't any honor among shinobi. Leave that to the samurai. Just because we have swords does not mean I care for your wellbeing or rules."
The Otokage sneered and lowered himself into his normal Gatotsu stance.
"Good thing we're enemies then. I'd hate to have to actually be concerned about your safety."
Kurosuke shot forward to stab Naruto again but the taller man rolled to the left and shot off back down the alley. He heard the laughter of the Oto ninjas as their Kage followed after him, grinning like a maniac. Naruto swung around another corner and smirked to himself.
'Fool doesn't realize I'm running in a circle back to the stadium.'
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"Sand Tsunami!"
Gaara panted from the exertion of the jutsu he was using to engulf the badger. As the massive wave of sand washed over the badger, Gaara prepared the jutsu to bury the summon underground, just like he'd done to Kimimaro. The badger roared in indignity as the pool of sand swallowed it whole.
"Tsunade! Sakura! Summon your slugs and get ready to spit acid on it when it comes up!"
Sakura looked at him with wide eyes and hollered back.
"What do you mean 'when it comes up'? You just buried it!"
"It's a badger you idiot! It burrows! Now call the damn slugs!"
The two women summoned huge slugs just in time for the badger to break the surface and ordered their summons to drown it in their acidic spit. The badger flailed about on the ground, taking out several districts, before dispelling itself to end its torture. Tsunade leapt off her slug and motioned for her small group to gather round her.
"What's the report on the other Konoha ninjas?"
"Iruka and the other chuunins and Tokubetsu jounins have been herding the civilians to safety. The other jounins, ANBU, and the rest of the Rookie Nine are clearing house on Otogakure."
Tsunade nodded at Anko's report and looked around.
"Has anyone heard from Naruto lately? Last I saw of him, the Otokage had tackled him over the balcony."
"I believe I can answer that."
The group turned to find Kakashi with his headband up, blood spattering his clothes. He looked a little worse for wear...although the blood wasn't his.
"Naruto is still fighting the Otokage at the moment. He's lost his swords at the arena and is currently running from the Otokage's onslaught."
Tsunade quirked an eyebrow.
"And how do you know all this?"
Kakashi made his infamous eyesmile.
"Who do you think has been keeping other Oto ninjas off Naruto's back? I've been watching the whole time. Kurosuke currently has him on the run."
Everyone heard Sakura snort and turned to her.
"Naruto's playing around with him right now. Kurosuke is putting up the best fight he's had since Akatsuki and he wants it to last. Of course, Kurosuke could be very talented."
"He is. He's already managed to hit Naruto several times and he's actually trying to dodge. This could be bad."
Sakura sniffed and turned to walk toward the stadium, trying to hide her growing worry.
"Well...maybe we should check up on him, just in case."
Everyone fell in behind her and made their way quickly in the direction of the stadium. The closer they got, the more they realized that there were no fights in the general vicinity. Everyone was either dead or wounded and the destruction was very controlled, as if only two people had been fighting with intent to kill. There were no widespread signs of destructive jutsus, just small craters here and there where someone had apparently struck the ground extremely hard with a weapon.
Sakura was feeling very unsure of the situation. They hadn't come across any sign of Naruto or Kurosuke. Kakashi had said that Naruto had lost his swords and that was cause for worry. Those swords never left Naruto's side, so either he was giving Kurosuke a very good handicap...or he was in big trouble. Sakura, being at the front of the group, was the first to round a corner and was bowled over by a blonde missile.
Naruto yelped as he ran over a hapless bystander and rolled quickly so he could dodge Kurosuke's swings. He looked around quickly to see if Kurosuke had gotten behind him again and in the corner of his vision, he saw a familiar head of pink hair. His eyes widened when he saw Kurosuke standing above her, his sword pointed at her throat.
"What have we here? I try to skewer a toad and instead I get a slug. The gods of fate must smile on me today. I get to kill not just one but two Sannin."
Kurosuke's smirk grew into a large grin when the rest of the troupe rounded the corner of the building and the blade at Sakura's throat drew the tiniest bit of blood.
"I have the complete set now. The rest of you are too tired to do anything after fighting my ninjas' little pet and that idiot of a Toad Sannin can't do anything more than run. I am so disappointed in this village. I expected more."
Kakashi stepped forward, ready to move to save Sakura and Kurosuke twisted the blade slightly, making her whimper. On the inside, her mind was a torrent of planning and possibilities of escape. If she could concentrate enough to Kawarimi out of the way...Suddenly, the sound of mortar shattering was heard in the air and everyone looked toward the noise.
Naruto was livid. He had been careless in having his fun, letting Kurosuke chase him all over the place, and now it was costing him. His love lay on the ground with his enemy's blade at her throat and one wrong move could end her life. His thinking was beginning to beome very...basic. His woman was in danger...and he had to do something.
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Kubikiri Houcho was impatient as it lay imbedded in the ground. Its brother lay across the arena on its side, awaiting the return of their master. It had been several minutes since Naruto had disappeared, an eternity to the sentient sword, when he felt that tug that said his master was in trouble. Kubikiri searched for his master until he found him. Naruto was in a barely contained rage, just about to blow. Without further hesitation, Kubikiri sent a message to Naruto that he was within reach and Naruto responded by spiking his chakra and calling the sword to him.
Kubikiri levitated above the ground for a moment before shooting forward at a high speed, piercing through the wall and radiated glee as it molded into Naruto's palm.
Chaos and blood would ensue...
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Everyone's eyes widened as Kubikiri came crashing through the wall at insanely high velocity. It smacked into Naruto's hands and he immediately felt better. It was like a piece of himself had come back. As soon as he had heard the smack of the hilt against his flesh he raced forward, nearly faster than the human eye could follow, forcing chakra into his legs. With a fierce snarl, he swung Kubikiri as hard as he could at Kurosuke's head.
Kurosuke had been feeling smug up to that point. Everything had been going his way. Sure, his ninja were outmatched and outclassed but he was sure that he could kill two or three important people and get out of the village safely. His opinion of the Sannin had dropped upon facing Naruto and the badger summons had wreaked havoc over an entire sector of Konoha, flattening every building.
Everything had been going his way. That's why, when he had the Slug Sannin on her back and staring down his blade, he felt immensely satisfied. The look on her fellow Konoha ninjas faces was priceless. Then...he felt that awful killing intent and looked up just in time to barely block the blow from an enraged Naruto.
Sakura scrambled away as fast as she could before she was squished underfoot. Kakashi caught the frantic girl as she stumbled over to them and helped her stand upright, as he kept focused on the fight.
Kurosuke was on true defense for the first time since they'd begun to fight. Naruto was pressing him hard and the speed with which he could swing that zanbatou was astounding. His footwork was beyond amazing. Kurosuke was finally seeing why the man had earned his spot in the bingo book. He ducked under a particularly vicious swing and used a Zero-Point Gatotsu thrust to ram Naruto back through the stadium walls.
Kurosuke was the best swordsman to ever come out of Otogakure and was said to be on par with the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. He was not some green rookie who couldn't hold his own.
The Konoha ninjas watched as Naruto was driven back and through the wall and ran up the side of the arena to watch the battle from a better perch. This would be a fight to remember.
Naruto growled as he stood up. He'd lost himself to his rage and it had cost him again. If he was normal, that thrust would have finished him. He could feel the tissue in his shoulder healing and ran toward Kurosuke. Before he reached the man, he dipped low and sliced at the man's ankles. The Otokage leapt into the air and Naruto planted his hands on the ground, catching him with a mule kick and sending him flying.
Kurosuke landed on the side of the arena and was immediately back in the fray. This arena would be the tomb of one of these combatants. There was no way out except death. The sound of steel on steel rang throughout the ampitheater-like walls as they exchanged blow after blow.
The sight of the two blades, one an elegant katana and the other a large, serrated zanbatou, was forever etched into the memories of the watching ninja, Konoha and Oto alike. All other fights had ceased as the feeling coming from the arena encompassed Konoha and all came running to see what was happening.
Kurosuke ducked a thrust and wrapped his arm around Naruto's hand, holding him still while he thrust the butt of his hilt into the blonde giant's nose. Naruto grunted in pain and swung his fist hard, clouting Kurosuke on the side of the head and giving the man a huge migraine. Both stumbled back, Kurosuke cradling his head, Naruto cracking his nose back in place.
Naruto had had enough. The man was the first worthy opponent he'd ever found in kenjutsu and for that, he would honor him with a move not seen in years. It was an homage to fellow Konoha kenjutsu users and was especially deadly in his hands. Naruto thrust Kubikiri into the ground and called Samehada to him. The sword flew across the ground and leapt into his hands and Naruto thrust it into the ground as well.
Kurosuke watched with wide eyes as Naruto bowed low to him, never breaking eye contact.
"Kurosuke-san, you are indeed a great swordsman, the best I've ever faced. As my greatest opponent, I will honor you with a jutsu that I've never had to use against an enemy before. It is what makes me a true Master of the Zanbatous. It hurts to lose an opponent as masterful as you, but you are my enemy. Know that you will be held in esteem by me forever, even in your death."
Kurosuke sneered and lowered himself into a guarded stance.
"Ultimate jutsu huh? I'll believe it when I see it Namikaze. Despite what you believe, I don't see you as an equal. I am your better and I'll prove that today. That does not mean you aren't the best I've faced, because you are. In honor of that..."
Kurosuke lowered his guard and bowed low to Naruto as well.
"...I also will take your name with me as I leave here. I'll erect a memorial to you in Otogakure, in honor of our greatest enemy. Now come. Show me your strength."
Naruto narrowed his eyes and place a hand each on Kubikiri Houcho and Samehada. The swords hummed with power and a blue glow encompassed them all.
Is it time Master? Can we fight now?
'Yes, you may fight.'
Thank you Master. This means so much.
Can I fight as well? Pleeeeasseeeee?
'How would you do this? You don't have a sword form.'
Let me take over for a bit. I'll never bother you again.
'Absolutely not.'
Insolent brat! All I ask is one thing.
'No. Your punishment is imprisonment, not release or probation.'
At least let me watch through your eyes.
'That is acceptable.'
Naruto had never taken his eyes off Kurosuke as he spoke to his tenants. The man was wary of what was about to happen and his eyes widened as the swords began to transform once more. Samehada took the form of Hoshigaki Kisame, but the kicker was that Kubikiri transformed as well, into the form of Momochi Zabuza.
Kurosuke was spellbound as the two cracked their necks and rolled their shoulders. The two turned to each other and grinned.
Is it not fulfilling to be on the outside again brother? To be free to fight as intended?
It is invigorating brother. Our opponent is worthy as well. I give thanks to Kami for this battle.
Naruto said nothing but pulled a scroll from his pocket and bit his thumb, spreading the red liquid across the parchment before throwing it into the air. All eyes were on the scroll as it flipped in the air and six enormous zanbatous fell from it. Outside of Kubikiri and Samehada, these were some of the most beautiful and masterfully made zanbatous on the planet.
"So that's what he bought when we went to Kiri."
All heads turned to Sakura when they heard her whisper and immediately whipped back to coming battle. They'd remember to ask later.
Naruto still had not taken his eyes off Kurosuke as he stepped forward to the zanbatous stuck in the ground, Kubikiri and Samehada matching him lockstep. They each took a sword from the ground and took up identical stances. One sword forward, one sword back.
"I have never seen anything like this Namikaze. What is this jutsu?"
"One totally unique to me and yet, not unique at all. I found the details of this jutsu in my father's library and thought it appropriate. My father did not finish the jutsu, but another man did. He was killed in your village's first attempt to eradicate Konoha. Gekkou Hayate was the master of the Dance of the Crescent Moon and this is my version of it."
He and the swords bent low and readied themselves, muscles rippling with anticpation.
"The difference is that these aren't shadow clones. Kubikiri and Samehada are sentient, able to think on their own. This dance is ever changing and I don't think you'll survive it. This is the highest compliment I can give Kurosuke."
The Otokage locked eyes with him and got into his Gatotsu stance. If he managed to take down Naruto first, then the swords should dispel.
"I need no compliments, just the knowledge that your blood will stain my blade."
Naruto nodded and he and the swords shot forward, Kubikiri on the left, Samehada on the right, Naruto in the middle. Kurosuke coiled himself like a spring and thrust forward toward Naruto, his mouth open in a battlecry.
Time, for those watching and participating, slowed to a crawl.
The crunch of Samehada and Kubikiri's feet as they rounded the side of the Otokage and leapt toward him with backflips, their blades trailing behind them was like watching two ballet dancers in mid leap.
Naruto and Kurosuke never broke eye contact, never blinked. The sound of their sweat hitting the ground was like drums to the ears, their heartbeats were explosions. Kurosuke screamed out the name of his attack and thrust his sword toward Naruto's heart, even as Kubikiri and Samehada brought their swords down upon his neck and shoulders.
Naruto grimaced as he saw the blow coming but crossed his swords and diverted the stab into his right lung. He closed his eyes briefly at the sharp pain it gave him and gasped when Kurosuke's hand continued to travel through him all the way through. His swords came down slowly, resting across Kurosuke's neck as Kubikiri and Samehada's blades slashed through the man's shoulders and neck continuing down his back and showering all four men in rivulets of blood.
Kurosuke was breathing heavily, his vision wavering, but he was smiling. He had nailed Naruto through the lung and as long as he didn't remove his arm, it could not heal. He would gain victory in death. His vision barely caught Kubikiri and Samehada bowing to him in reverence before dispelling themselves into their normal states.
The Otokage and the Toad Sannin both huffed heavily, with small smiles on their faces.
"It seems that my jutsu was a success Kurosuke. I hope you find honor in the next life."
A coughing chuckle found its way to Naruto's ear and he blinked wearily.
"I hope I don't go there alone Namikaze. My hope is that by the time your friends get over their shock and try to help you, it will be too late. You'll follow me into the afterlife and we'll continue this battle for eternity. That is my last wish."
"I told you Kurosuke, I'm not going to the other side just yet. But, wait for me, and I promise you a fight."
The Otokage laughed as his body began to slip downward, his legs' strength leaving him.
"I look forward to that day Namikaze. I truly do."
A small waft of dust rose around the man as his knees impacted the dirt but his arm remained in Naruto's lung. The blonde giant coughed and wavered on his feet.
Hang on Master. Sakura is coming.
'It's ok. I'm just...really tired...'
Don't go to sleep Master! That is a bad idea.
'But...sleep sounds lovely right now...'
Damn it brat! Listen to him. Just let them get the arm out before you pass out so I can heal you! Stay on your feet!
"Naruto! Naruto! Stay with me!"
Sakura slapped him on the face, watching as his eyes fluttered back and forth while Tsunade tried to help the Kyuubi along in the healing. Everyone that wasn't needed at the moment was doing the cleanup of the Oto ninjas that were left over or taking them prisoner. They offered no resistance after seeing the strongest man they had taken down.
Naruto rolled his head to the side and stared up at Sakura. His lung was reforming already and breathing was getting easier, but he was so tired...
"Hey Sakura-chan. How is everything?"
Sakura stifled a sob at the affectionate term and latched her arms around his neck, sniffling the whole time.
"You idiot. You big, stupid idiot..."
Naruto chuckled and winced when his lung pinched.
"I'll take that as a compliment."
He turned to Tsunade and gave her a small smile.
"Make sure Kurosuke gets a warrior's funeral. He deserves that at least. Let him ride to heaven on plumes of smoke from his pyre."
Tsunade nodded and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Anything else Naruto?"
The blonde smiled and closed his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up later ok?"
The group around him gaped at his casual demeanor and watched as he flopped over into the dirt. Tsunade caught him before he impacted the ground and groaned as she stood up.
"Lazy ass brat. And he did all this damage too...I should make him fill out the paperwork."
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Minato watched with wide eyes as his son readied a jutsu that he had learned of in theory from a friend of his. It was one he'd seen implemented several times since his death by one Gekkou Hayate, but never by one of his own.
"Our son is truly amazing isn't he?"
"Yeah he is. I wonder what he'll do now?"
"He'll live life to the fullest and be happy. That's all we can hope for."
Minato kissed Kushina on the lips and hugged her close.
"Happiness...and grandchildren."
"I wonder how blue-eyed, pink-haired little boys would look?"
The thought sent the two rolling and discussing the family that they would watch from afar.
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At the same time, a conversation was being held by two others who held Naruto dear.
"So, what do you think he'll do now?"
A lecherous grin was the man's answer.
"He's gonna get his freak on with a wind mistress. A Wind Mistress! In a threeway! That's something I've never done! The boy has surpassed me in all ways. I am so proud of him."
Sarutobi sighed, but it was a happy sigh.
"I guess you'll be watching him of course. Trying to pick up tips?"
"Oh get off my back. Not like you won't be watching the show as well. I happen to know that you like blonde women and Temari is probably a freak waiting to be unleashed."
"Who's a freak waiting to be unleashed?"
Jiraiya froze and turned slowly to see Minato and Kushina looking at him expectantly. Maybe...if he just told the truth and got it out of the way.
"I'm talking about Naruto's impending threeway and how awesome it's going to be. I am going to get so much material from this."
"I can't believe you would watch your student doing the nasty."
Jiraiya snorted and folded his arms.
"And why wouldn't you believe that? I used to watch you and Minato all the time. Why, I even remember the night Naruto was conceived. It inspired Icha Icha Like Rabbits. You, my dear, are quite the wild child."
Minato and Sarutobi had stepped back, waiting for the impending explosion as Kushina stared at Jiraiya with a gaping mouth. Jiraiya saw his one opening to get a jab in and run like hell.
"Wow, I don't remember you being able to open your mouth that wide. It's kind of wasted on Minato though. He's not nearly that big."
"YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU!"
Jiraiya laughed as he ran like crazy away from Minato, who was chasing him with intent to kill. Sarutobi chuckled and put a hand on the dazed Kushina's shoulder.
"I can't believe he used to watch us. Oh Kami, he probably saw the special thing I do to Minato."
"And what would that be my dear?"
"Well, first I swirl my tongue around the head while I take my finger..."
Kushina's eyes widened as she realized what she was saying and rounded on the lecherously grinning Sarutobi.
"You...you filthy old man!"
Sarutobi laughed and put his hands behind his back.
"Me, filthy? I'll have you know I'm very old fashioned in the sack. I don't have a need to try freeky-deeky things with my wife. Now then, what do you do with your finger?"
Kushina turned beet red and squeeked before passing out, reminding Sarutobi of a certain shy Hyuuga he used to know. He heard a yelp as Minato was knocked out by Jiraiya and the former Toad Sannin walked back over to him with the blonde on his shoulder.
"So...what do we do with them?"
Sarutobi looked from one to the other before he got a crazy idea, one that could potentially get his soul destroyed...but it would be so worth it.
"I say we bind them, take them to the mortal plane, and leave them in Naruto's bedroom."
Jiraiya brightened and hefted Minato again.
"Yeah, I like that idea. If watching your parents do it is traumatizing, imagine what watching your kid do it would do. You're evil Sarutobi-sensei."
Sarutobi grinned maliciously and put Kushina on his shoulder.
"We'll get killed for this you know."
"Eh, it'll be worth it. We owe Kushina for some lumps anyway."