I hope yall recovered from the last chapter, where i gave away the last shred of innocence I had left rip.
-----------------------------
A loud rapping sound woke me up and I immediately clutched my head, which was pounding in an unimaginable way.
A movement on my chest brought my attention to the boy who had made me his bed during the night and blinked rapidly, before becoming fully aware of the situation.
"What the fuck," I rasped, pushing Brendon off me so he fell to the floor, as I realized we were both naked.
He groaned as he made contact with the floor, whilst memories of the night before came crashing back into my head, forcing me to lie back down and close my eyes.
What the fuck had I gotten myself into. Correction: What the fuck had Brendon gotten me into.
Another knock on the door caused Brendon to stir fully awake, which I was surprised wasn't already the case after I had thrown him on the floor.
I watched him get up and swallowed as I saw his naked form.
Bruises covered his neck and hips, and I almost felt guilty if I wouldn't have been so pleased with myself.
He pulled on his boxers and pants and threw me mine as he walked over to the door.
I hurriedly put them on aswell, ignoring my pounding head.
I couldn't catch the hushed conversation at the door, but suspected it was the owner of this room throwing us out.
When Brendon closed the (goddamn) door and turned back to me, he looked at me unsurely.
"Soo..." he cleared his throat. "Are you back to 'this was a mistake, i'm not gay' Ryan or will you finally accept you're the same as I am without two bottles of whiskey," he asked, walking closer to me and touching my still exposed chest.
I didn't step back. Of course, being drunk had boosted my confidence, but I had still been able to control my actions. What I had done was done by me, and not by the alcohol.
Instead, I placed my head at the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss.
After we broke apart, he grinned at me in victory.
"Thank god, you're far less annoying like this," he giggled, hooking his fingers under my belt and pulling me closer.
"Shut up," I laughed, staring into his honey eyes and watching them twinkle back at me.
"Make me," he teased, successfully getting me to connect our lips again.
The kiss soon became a lot more heated and Brendon pulled away, much to my dissapointment.
"We have to go," he explained, picking up our shirts and handing me one.
After I buttoned it up, I followed Brendon out of the room and through the now deserted bar.
The minute we left it and stepped back out of the building, it felt like I had left fantasy world and was violently thrown back into the real world. An avalanche of anxiety crashed upon me as I realized the heaviness of my actions. I had slept with a man.
"Ryan?"
I leaned back against the wall and slid down it, putting my head in my hands.
"This is bad," I muttered, flinching as Brendon kneeled down beside me.
"Ryan, what's wrong?" He asked hesitantly.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done this, I'm a failure..." I sobbed, all the lectures I had received through out my life influencing my words.
"No you're not. You're amazing, Ry, and what we did last night doesn't change that, okay? You're a good person, so who cares who you fuck," he said soothingly.
I wanted to believe him, I really did, but the heaviness of my thoughts drowned his words and I was left with my self-pity.
"Ryan... Listen to me, there's nothing wrong with you, okay? Think about it, if what we did was wrong, then why did it feel so good?"
I let him put an arm around me and pull me closer to him, cherishing his warmth and the safety it brought with it. Slowly, he pushed away the darkness surrounding me, and maybe... there wasn't a big chance, and I believed all my luck had already run out, but maybe there was a tiny chance that things would be okay.
"Let's get back, alright?" He suggested, pulling me up and taking my hand as we walked back to the main street.
He let go of my hand as soon as we got there, and I missed his warmth immediately, wishing I could just curl up beside him for the rest of my life.
But I couldn't. And as much as I would like to pretend that everything was perfect, it wasn't.
"Brendon... you need to take me home," I said once we got into the carriage again, the driver sending us some pretty nasty looks, hopefully just because we had left him waiting out here all night, and not because he knew what we had been doing.
He frowned at me, but nodded, sliding open the window to talk to the driver.
"Take me with you?" He asked innocently, looking at me with big eyes.
"I..." did not want to take him with me. I didn't know how he would react if he found out. I was scared. I was afraid what he might do to him.
"Please," he persisted, and I hesitantly nodded, knots tying themselves in my stomach, twisting and turning, making me feel sick.
Whilst walking home, I felt jumpier than usual and stopped when we reached the market.
I couldn't show up empty handed.
"Brendon? Can you buy something?" I asked quietly, gesturing to the stands.
He nodded and we bought a loaf of bread, some cheese and a couple of apples.
When we finally stood in the alley which contained the entrance to my home, I turned to Brendon again and he raised an eyebrow.
"I can't take you inside," I murmered.
"Why?" He seemed dissapointed.
"It's just...," I stopped, having no idea how to explain.
"Tell me the truth, Ryan," he sighed.
"Um. I... Remember when I brought you here the first time?"
"Yeah, some thieves robbed you or something," he said impatiently.
"Well, there were no thieves, it was my father."
He stared at me in disbelief and I couldn't tell what he was thinking.
"Then I'm definitely coming with you," he said, pushing past me further into the alley.
"No!" I shouted, grabbing his shoulder and shoving him against the wall. He didn't understand.
"Listen to me, you'll only make things worse! There's nothing you can do!"
He stared back at me.
"I have a gun," he stated blankly.
"You're not going to shoot him! He's my father!" I snapped in disgust.
"So what? He hurts you, Ry, badly! Family doesn't start in blood, you have to earn it!"
He was freaking out.
"You don't understand!" I shouted.
"No, I don't! I don't understand why you go back to him when he gives you nothing in return!"
"Well, I don't understand why you play your father's game without protest! Why do you play along?" I countered.
"That's different," he whispered, averting his gaze.
"No, Brendon, it's not," I sighed, weakening my grip on his shoulders.
"Please, I don't want him to hurt you," he begged.
I gently ran my hand over his cheek, "I don't want him to hurt you, either."
My heart fluttered in relief when he nodded hesitantly and I gave him a small thankful smile.
"I'll be back before you know it," I murmered, returning the hug he had pulled me into.
I grabbed the food from him and squeezed through the crack to enter, which turned out to be a lot harder than last time, I had obviously put on some weight.
Peering out of the gap, I realized in dismay he was awake, prowling around with an almost empty bottle in his hand.
I decided to try something. Quietly edging closer to the exit, I prepared to toss the food inside, staying in the safety of the wall.
When I did so, his head snapped around towards me and rage surged through his eyes as he stormed towards me.
I hurriedly backed away, breathing heavily.
"Where have you been?! You left me here to starve! Get in here!" He screamed at me, kicking the food aside.
"Maybe you should stop spending all my money on alcohol then!" I shouted back, feeling a lot braver in when he couldn't touch me.
His hand reached inside the gap and my heart stopped when he managed to grab my hand. Fuck.
I felt myself being dragged towards him, and I struggled in despair, scraping my skin against the wall.
Suddenly, another hand grabbed mine from behind me and pulled me in the other direction.
I groaned in pain; it felt like my limbs were being torn apart.
Luckily, Brendon seemed to notice and inched further towards me, wrapping his arms around my chest.
My father howled in frustration and smashed the bottle against the wall, and because I was one lucky son of a bitch, a glass splinter managed to fly threw the gap and right into my shoulder.
A tear trickled out of my eye and a sudden wave of hatred and madness rushed through me.
"Let me go!" I screamed, leaning backwards against Brendon and bringing up my feet to desperately try and kick his arm away from me.
It worked, at least to some extent, for when he was forced to let go of my hand, he caught onto my foot, or rather, the boot I was wearing, and so with another forceful tug, Brendon managed to pull me free, leaving my father with the old boot.
We hastily stumbled backwards, and Brendon lifted me down onto the streets, holding onto my shaking body.
I pulled the glass out of my shoulder and smashed it against the ground, making it break in smaller pieces yet again.
"Let's go home," Brendon whispered, letting me lean against him as I limped through the streets.
We didn't get far before a scream cut through the air, a scream of someone in pain, a very familiar scream.
I froze, before ripping myself away from Brendon and sprinting in the opposite direction.
A few streets away, he lay on the ground, blood gushing out of several parts of his body.
I fell down next to his limp form, but he was already dead, his eyes widened with terror.
The world went blurry as tears streamed out of my eyes, and it went silent as my ears were filled with the sound of sorrow.
I barely noticed Brendon tugging me up and pulling me away. I was faintly aware of me screaming my lungs out, but I didn't care. Nothing seemed to matter exept that I had just lost the last member of my family.
~
I could say it, but you won't believe me
You say you do, but you don't deceive me
It's hard to know they're out there
It's hard to know that you still care
I could say it but you wont believe me
You say you do but you don't deceive me
Dead hearts are everywhere
~