Jèté
(French jeté: "thrown"), ballet leap in which the weight of the dancer is transferred from one foot to the other. The dancer "throws" one leg to the front, side, or back and holds the other leg in any desired position upon landing.
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They told me that there is no black and white, only gray, that I can't really give my opinion until I've experienced it. Well, I do see the gray area more often now, as the black and white mesh together.
Excuses and justifications become the truth, and you start to forget why you ever resisted to begin with. You forget what is right and wrong, you are flying on autopilot and the sky looks like the sea and you are lost in a fluffy white cloud and you really cannot tell if you are going up or down.
It's amazing how at one point in our lives we will be extremely close with someone and then later they will become a complete stranger. You will pass by them without a word. Without a single acknowledging look.
This person, who once knew you so well, who once knew your fears, your desires, your dreams, your past, is now walking right past you, seeing right through you and nothing feels the same anymore
Sometimes reflections are not healthy. When a chapter is over you turn the page and move on. When a book is done you close the book and put it away and never take it off the shelf again. Yet I find myself feeling sad for a time, a place, a person that is long gone now.
"Oh" Adrian stopped rampaging from his cabinet and turned to regard me a look "Roxy? She's the office slvt. It's no big deal" He gave me that smile that used to lure a lot of girls way back in high school. He sat on his swivel chair once again "If it's Travis then it is no big deal. She actually gave me a blow job or two back then"
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"Sort of" He glanced at his platinum rolex and said "I really have to go. I got to pick up my stepsister at Assumption. I'd promised her that I'll take her to lunch"
"Tippy? That little chubby cheeks who used to follow you around before?"
"Yeah.. She's definitely not little anymore though. Wanna come?"
"No. I remembered how she had that huge brother's complex. No thanks"
Adrian didn't say anything. He got off his swivel and headed up "Are you sure?" He came closer and held my forehead "Parang pale ka kasi"
Adrian was near six feet tall and sported a head full of raven black hair that is swept back. He had big, dark, almond eyes that seemed to be laughing. His face was beautiful though he has thick brows. His body was his strong point. His solid strong arms, shoulders that were wide and well muscled are caged in that blue button down polo
"You know if I'll tell Tippy, I'm sure she wont mind-"
"No. I'm okay. I just thought.. nevermind"
"I'm not good at this advices. I feel like it's a glitch to my man-ego but" He tapped my shoulder from behind "Don't give up on him, Nik okay? He's stubborn as a rock. Just take it as a short-term pain for .. a long-term gain. It hurts now, but it will not always hurt forever. It will be worth it."
"Thanks, Adrian"
"Okay.. See you around?" He hooked his finger on to his coat and waved goodbye. I could only watched as he closed the door behind him
It is hard to explain it really because the truth is, there are no simple nor complex words to help describe it. Everyone's going up for a change, everyone's moving on and here I am, stuck..
I had replayed it over and over in my mind. No matter what, I always felt the sharp hint of tears on the corner of my eyes. To think that Travis already forgot what we had and I were to stay here, it was unbearable
Freeze.
I know I should say something but I can't make any words come out of my mouth. So I sit in silence, and the seconds stretched.
I know Elaine on the other end of the line will say "You there Nik?" I have a choice, to pretend that you got cut off and to hang up the phone which won't undo anything what was said or I could've reacted and say, "I don't really know what to say".
About thirty minutes after I left the Quiñones Building, I got a call from Elaine herself and no doubt, she'll ask me about the disaster I had awhile ago and I couldn't have the guts to finally admit that, maybe, I really did lose Travis.. forever.
I walked on my own on the sidewalk. No one knew who I was at the moment and I'm afraid I don't even know myself anymore. I bumped into some random people and apologized but they wont hear me.
Amidst of the pollution, the dust and the blaring sun, I continue to be dazed in my own sorrow. I continue to walk and walk until I can no longer feel my own feet. The sound of the wind rushes past my ears. It is deafening. It swirls around me and plays with the tails of my sundress, causing it to billow around me.
And that is all. That is how I feel. I know it doesn't involve anyone, it doesn't much affect anybody, life will move on and things will keep changing and spinning and happening on their own.
No one is waiting for my big reaction, no one's asking me to be dramatic or emotional or say what I feel because really, it's not about me.
I want to rehash what was said over and over again until Travis would understand, and give my opinion on it, and make sense of it, and try to change it.
Change it. Undo it. Make it like it never happened.
If we could turn back the clocks, would that make things right?
But no one is asking, nobody cares what I have to say and it doesn't matter really, does it?
Usually, I can describe how I was feeling but sometimes, there's really nothing to say. I kind of feel nothing at all and that makes me feel worse.
The bystander affect is an interesting phenomenon whereby many people witness an event happening, such as a mugging, an attack, but the more people that are in the crowd, the less likely it is that any one of them will run to help, or to call 117, being that everyone thinks that someone else will do it.
But what if you'll be the one right in the middle of an accident? What if it's your turn now?
The car was not going very fast, but it came close enough to send me sprawling back unto the pavement, the brakes letting out a screech as they locked into place more than three feet past where I had been less than a second earlier. The car let out another screech before I could look up and sped off down the road.
Badly frightened, I did not hear the rapidly approaching footfalls behind me until the man was kneeling beside me. "You alright? Did he hit you?"
"N... no." My voice was a weak quiver and I had to take a deep breath to calm myself before I could continue. "I think I'm alright. He didn't hit me."
"Son of a btch." the man muttered under his breath, angry eyes behind his glasses focused on a receding pair of red lights racing down the road, as if by sheer willpower he could get a read off the license plate even at that distance.
"He just scared me." I said shakily, wiping at a tear running down my cheek. With tears in my eyes, apparently as confused as the man right in front of me, I cried some more. I didn't seem to be concerned with the scrapes and bruises on my knees "I think I tripped on the curb when I jumped away."
The man let out a sigh of relief and smiled encouragingly. "Well, at least that's better than getting hit by a car."
I wiped away another tear of fright with my hand and for the first time focused my eyes on the man kneeling beside me. It was a vaguely familiar face, a man I thought I had seen somewhere.
He was somewhat good-looking, I decided. Exactly the face of a man a woman would fantasize of as her knight in shining armor.
At the moment though, frightened and vulnerable, I was not complaining.
"You're that girl on the plane!"
"The what?" I frown a little but I cringe some more when I tried to move
"The one crying over the paper.. on the plane"
"You're the Hispanic guy?"
When He pulled me away probably to get a look at me, I could sense that he probably saw my fear in my face, as well as the tears in my eyes. He patted me on the arm and said, "The Hispanic guy has a name though" He smirked
He reached into his pocket and retrieved some sort of cloth-a handkerchief, and as hr handed it to me, I smiled and said, "Thanks and so is the girl on the plane"
"You're welcome," He smiled reassuringly as if he's trying no to laugh on my own sarcasm
Motioning towards me with his head, he looked at me and said, "Are you okay?"
I gave him a thumb up but my emotion betrayed me. He began to panic some more when he saw tears freely flowing down my cheeks
"You're obviously not okay.. Where does it hurt?"
I shifted uncomfortably as I felt the pain radiating on my hip and replied "Here" but I pointed my sternum which hurt some more than anything. It hurt---my heart and I even cried some more right in front of him
Abruptly he turned back to me sitting on the pavement in front of him, concern along with the anger in his eyes.
"You sure? Can you get up?"
"Yeah, I think so."I said, putting my hands to either side of me and trying to lever myself up, only to collapse as a sharp twinge of pain took me in the hip. I gasped.
"What's wrong? Where does it hurt?" His smile was gone and he wore a concerned frown as he hurriedly laid his bag down on the pavement beside him.
"If you'll ask me where.. or which one hurts more? It's my heart. Siguro if I was hit, I will be spared by the pain I'm feeling right now"
"Don't say that. Don't throw away your life that way. If you felt like you're dead because of some silly broken heart, then you think wrongly. If you feel dead inside, you wouldn't be bitching about it in the first place"
"Ah! the irony of it.Broken hearts are like in people dying over a massive car crash. Except in having a broken heart, I don't get the luxury of death, I deal with the pain. I live on, hardly able to breathe or eat, finding everything uninteresting and meaningless, lying in bed for days because my body cannot handle the pain, feeling lifeless but don't mind me.. Maybe you're right. I'm being dramatic"
"There are 6,775,235,842 people in the world. Why are you letting one of them ruin your life? It's all in the mind"
"You're right.. yeah. I'm okay.. Infairness naman kasi mas madaling magmanhid-manhiran kesa sa masaktan. Di'ba?"
He just looked at me for a brief moment probably puzzled on what I just said
"There." I said, pointing and then jerking away when he put his hand on the curve of my hip and began applying pressure in different areas around it. I gasped from the pain and almost slapped away at his hand before I realized what he was doing.
"Be still." he said sharply, as he moved his hand around experimentally. It took less than ten seconds but he looked relieved when he took his hand away. "I think you're gonna live." He deadpanned.
I bursted out laughing, despite the pain, and he grinned, showing a set of even white teeth. "Nothing's broken. It's just a bruise. A little ice and you'll be fine."
"Thank you, doctor." I said, grinning back at him, noting to myself that he had a nice smile.
"Dr. Good Samaritan MD, at your service." he replied. "Let me help you up." I nodded and he reached around my waist and carefully, letting sharp intakes of breath guide him somehow, lifted me up to my own feet.
He picked up his jag from the pavement as I stood a trifle unsteadily and regarded myself for a moment, a worried look on his face. "I think I should drop you off to the nearest hospital at least some of the way. Make sure you're okay."
I suddenly was unsure whether I wanted him to walk me all the way home. He was still a stranger, after all. But when he offered his arm, I only hesitated for a heartbeat before I took it, and after one attempted step forward found myself immensely grateful that I did.
The pain in my hip took me by surprise, and if he had not been there for me to fall against, I would have ended up on the pavement again.
"Easy does it." he said, sounding amused. "I think you just need to walk it off for a while."
"Thanks. I hope I'm not keeping you from..."I looked at his attire and saw his track shorts and Addidas shirt "Your afternoon jog"
"Don't worry. It's always nice to help a pretty girl along the way"
"Ah! A natural charmer Mr--?"
"Bustamante." He smiled "Darren Bustamante"