PLS READ!
ok this chapter has graphic parts to it. This is a warning to the people who have pasts with depression/cutting etc. If this is a touchy subject with you pls don't read it, I don't want to hurt you ilysm
Liam spit his bloody saliva onto the pavement and I cringed.
"You didn't need him anyways," he waved it off like it was nothing.
I clenched my fists until they were white. I snapped my head towards him and shot out a look full of disgust and hatred.
"I don't need him? I don't need him! What the fuck is your problem! This is all your god damn fault!" I shrieked but Liam didn't even flinch.
"Georgia, he's out of the picture. We can be together now." He stepped towards me and tried to grab my hands but I backed away.
"Excuse me? You didn't just say what I think you said. You don't fucking get it, do you!" I threw my hands up ready to just leave.
"Get what? That were perfect for each other! That you love the way I speak to you! That you know you're falling for me and you know that I could be a better boyfriend than Harry ever was!" Liam yelled.
That whole speech sent my head spinning and it frustrated me more than ever. Who does this guy think he is? He totally ruined my relationship and now expects me to be with him? How does that even work?
"What! What are you fucking talking about, you're psycho I swear to god!" I pushed Liam back. He lost his balance for a second but quickly regained it.
"I'm not psycho, you're just scared to admit the cold, hard truth. Sure Harry loved you, but you never loved him back."
"Who do you think you are telling me who I love and who I don't. You don't know shit about me Liam Payne. You don't know a single fucking thing! I love Harry, and as for you, I wouldn't care if you....." I trailed off because I didn't know what to say.
"You wouldn't care if I what!" Liam urge me on.
I know better than to say what was going to slip out of my mouth because of personal experiences.
I wouldn't care if you died.
Is what I wanted to say but what I didn't really mean. My hatred for Liam is to it limits at this moment but I would never in my life say something so drastic. That kind of stuff can really affect people but nobody seems to know how much.
"You know what! I'm fucking done with this, Im done with everything! Including you!" I screamed right in his face and turned on my heels, leaving Liam standing all alone in his fury.
"Someday you'll realize!" I heard him yell but decided to keep walking.
I took a different exit so I didn't have to see Harry or all the hateful fans. I stomped my way out an onto the sidewalk.
*
*
*
20 minutes later and I was regretting the decision to come here.
My home.
My father is inside there right now and I know for a fact it won't go down well.
But right now I didn't care the least,I'm too angry to care. When I'm angry, the emotion takes over my whole body. I can't seem to think straight or logically for that matter. My body makes the decisions for me, I guess you could say I don't have the part of my mind to tell me to think it through.
And that explains it all. The suicide attempt. The screaming and punching. The fights. The drinking and drug abuse. Everything from my past.
I march right up to the front step and burst through the door, making a loud slam in the process. My dad quickly bolts from the living room into the doorway and when his eyes focus on me disgust takes over his face.
I never thought a father could look at his daughter with such disownment.
"Why are you here?" I could hear the disgust clearly in his voice and it made me want to sob.
"I don't need this!" I screamed and ran up the stairs to my room. I heard him yelling but slammed my door to show him I wasn't listening.
I let out a frustrated scream as tears streamed down my face. I wiped all of the organized papers off my desk and onto the floor. They scattered across the room along with pens, books and my reading lamp. I just couldn't stop.
I then took the glass printed picture of me and my mother off the wall and threw it across the room, the glass shattered everywhere and made a deafening sound.
What did I just do.
I scrambled back over to the now broken picture on the floor, luckily I didn't take my shoes off. I heard the crunch of glass under my feet as I tried to put back the pieces of the picture back together.
The glass was broken into so many pieces that it was near impossible to even fix what I had just broke.
My anger was still very there but sadness and regret also took over. I fell down onto my knees ignoring the shards of glass cutting into me. I cried out for help but nobody heard me. Tears descended down my face and pooled on my bare shoulders.
This brings back so many memories.
I'm now reminded of those nights where I'd continuously scream for somebody to help me but nobody was there. When I used to cry myself to sleep every single night because I felt so totally and utterly alone. When I hated myself and my life so much I felt like everybody would like it better if I wasn't alive.
This whole day has taken a turn for the worse. I love Harry to death and I'd rather die than not have him beside me anymore. He helped me so much and nobody, not even himself, will understand that. My dad will never understand Harry or our relationship. The fans will never get that I don't mean to hurt them but they are hurting me by doing all of this. Harry will never ever understand that I only have eyes for him and I would never do a single thing to hurt him like he thinks.
My mind hurts from all of this.
I should feel pain in my body from the glass cutting into my knees but I don't, all I feel is exhaustion. It doesn't hurt one bit to be cut by all of this glass, it almost feels good.
This makes me realize that I miss the feeling, I miss being able to take all of my hurt and depression out.
My body is itching to do it.
My wrists are dying to feel it.
My mind is telling me to grab a piece of glass.
It would feel so good, it would relieve me of this indescribable hurt.
I can't even think of a world without Harry, it's like he's permanently engraved into my mind, body and soul.
So having him hate me right now sends tears to my eyes, pain in the pit of my stomach and bad thoughts into my head.
If I just reach down and pick up that big sharp looking piece of glass, I'll feel better.
My shaking hand comes out and reaches down for that shiny, reflective piece that has caught my eye this entire time. It looks like it could do so much damage and numb the feeling I have inside me. My hand inches closer and closer, the feeling in the pit of my stomach makes it harder and harder to breathe. My fingers that are already cut from trying to put the glass back together touch the sharp surface, I shiver.
The cold, hard object is now in my grip and the memories and flashbacks come flooding back once again.
That razor blade. So shiny. I need the feeling of the cold metal against my skin once again. I don't want to have to do this but the pain in my chest is too unbearable.
I need the numbing feeling. No, I need to feel the pain. I feel as though I'm not even living, I need to really feel something and pain is the only thing strong enough.
I'm so drugged up with weed and alcohol, I know its dangerous but why do I care? It's not like I have anything to live for anyways.
Nobody loves me. I've lost all my friends, my family, myself. In my perspective, there's nothing in this world for me to even think about living for.
I touch the freezing cold metal and chills run up and down my spine. My breathing quickens, and my hands start to shake. I try to blink the large tears away but it's no use, I can't stop them.
"Georgia!" My dad pounds on my locked door begging for me to open it.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed as I cried. He knew exactly what I was doing in here and he was trying so hard to get me to stop.
But I can't stop and I don't want to stop. This kind of feeling is so much better than writing in a journal or being forced to talk about it.
"Please stop Georgia! We can get through this together!" His voice cracked as he cried.
I quickly brought the razor blade to my wrist, I put the pressure on it. Sliding the razor across my wrist, I gasped at the throbbing pain. Blood immediately poured all down my arm as I gritted my teeth, looking at the bloody razor in my hand.
Tears came down like a waterfall on my cheeks as I just couldn't take my stinging eyes off all the blood pouring out. The red liquid ran down my arm but was also smothered all over my hand and the metal blade, it made me feel sick and light headed.
I didn't even have time to think about it because my dad was slamming on my door trying to break it down. I wasn't done yet though, I didn't get enough of the painful but yet intoxicating feeling.
"Georgia!" My dad was now full on screaming but not in an angry way, more full of worry than anything.
"Please, just go away!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs.
"Im gonna break this door down, please open it! Please Georgia!" He cried.
I didn't answer him as I took the bloody piece of metal to my wrist once again.
3...2...1
I counted down in my head before I put the pressure down.
I slowly took in a large breath as I slid the razor down on my skin again. Blood splashed and tears fell into my new open cut. My body started to shake violently as I heard the slicing sound of my skin parting and a new cut opening.
The sound wasn't even loud but it was deafening in my ears. They were ringing and my head was pounding as I looked down at the new wounds I had just made.
I jumped as the door smashed open and my father came running in.
"Georgia!" My dad saw the razor in my hand and his jaw dropped. He knew exactly what I was doing in here but he didn't know it was this bad.
"Please don't do this!" The tears made his cheeks wet and shiny.
"Don't look at me!" I yelled as I tried to cover the gashes on my arm but failed because the pain was too unbearable. I was too embarrassed that my dad had to see me like this, at my weakest most vulnerable point.
"I can help you." He said but I felt too weak to answer.
I felt too weak to do anything really, to even keep my eyes open. I saw my dad's lips moving, but I couldn't hear the words he was saying. The pain in my arm was throbbing and it was the only thing I could think about.
I looked down at my arm then my hands then the floor then the razor -red covered the surface of all of them. I felt dizzy just looking at it so I closed my eyes. Once I did that, I couldn't seem to open them again.
I passed out.
The memories and flashbacks hurt to think about but my conscious that is telling me to make the right decision is pushed to the back of my mind.
I feel so stupid. I'm doing this over a guy. Is it really worth it?
Yes it is.
This isn't just about a guy. It's about losing somebody that I love once again. It's happened so many times now and when Harry came, I didn't think it would happen again...but it did.
I lost my mum.
I lost my friends.
I lost my dad.
And now I've lost Harry.
I feel so bare and unprotected without him, he was my sheild. My saviour. He was the light in a dark tunnel, my only bit of true happiness. When I'm around Harry, my smiles aren't fake and my laughs are true.
I never wanted this to ever happen, I didn't want harry to leave me.
But now he's gone. I don't have that reassurance that someone is there for me. I don't have that person that makes me feel beautiful no matter what. The one person who always takes every single negative thought out of my head isn't there so I'm forced to swim in a whole pool of them. It feels like there's a fifty pound weight sitting on my chest so I can't breathe.
The room is getting smaller and stuffier. At one point Im sweating hot but a few seconds later I'm freezing cold.
There's a huge realization on my part that just hit me harder than when I realized my mum had died.
I've lost the only good in my life, the only person that allows me to really think about life in a positive manor and gives me the motivation to get out of bed in the morning is gone.
With shaking hands, I brought the glass up to my scarred wrists.
I just thought this is a really big issue in society and It needs to be brought to our attention.
STAY STRONG OK IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE TO TALK TO MESSAGE ME JUST DO NOT DO WHAT GEORGIA DID I LOVE YOU