Song of the chapter – Lullaby by Nickelback
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(Hopefully this should be entered into the wattyawards 2013)
Chapter 14
The air was beautiful and surrounded the singing birds and happily cheerful children outside that woke the inhabitant of the house up far too early; Lizzy sat up and swung her legs off the bed tirelessly, as she had every day for the last two weeks after Juice had left and had not yet returned, She just froze in a daze for a few minutes whist she re-evaluated her life and what it was worth as she glared upon the purple lumps and scars across her arms and wished how they could be a good luck symbol but nevertheless they were not.
She put the radio on and blasted the words of Nickelback that had helped her through each passing day and were becoming more of a mantra than anything, padding into the bathroom and leaving the door open.
“Yeah, I know the feeling,
of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge,
and there ain’t no reeling,
from cutting yourself with the jagged edge” she sang, her slim hand switched on the shower and let it douse her, the arctic temperature turning Luke warm before scolding her skin, her fingers tangled in the hair she was cleaning.
Elizabeth was immersed in her newly founded worry of getting through this funeral in one piece, she had come to deal with the terms of her mothers’ death and the outcomes and had handled it extremely well however there were still those odd moments that would render a perfect evocation of what used to be, or where she would pick up her mobile and try to call her, sometimes it helped, talking to the answering machine and hoping that one day they’d get through to Marla.
Her way of venting was to tattoo or draw, she’d called contractors and had planned trips towards getting supplies for her parlour but everything was used as a distraction and welcomed as it was.
She heard the front door click shut and as eager as she was she managed to step out of her shower the slowest she had ever moved, wrapping the small towel around her body and padding into the hallway.
“Hello?” She shouted with a gulp, feeling fresh and calmed despite the possible circumstances
“It’s-It’s just me” Tara stepped out of the kitchen, It was a wonder Lizzy even forgave the couple but forgiving was easier than forgetting and knowing Marla and her strict rules of repentance this gave Lizzy hope and an excuse to say it was okay; Tara was comfortable around Lizzy and had spent many nights just the two of them with a bottle of wine and cried over their troubles as women did.
“Hey” Lizzy croaked with a smile, grabbing the ashtray next to Tara and lighting what was left of the joint that calmed her, a tradition she’d grew into with Tara.
“Where’s the kids?” Lizzy asked, sighing happily at the effects of the therapeutic drug
“We found a sitter for today, are you sure you’re okay?” The woman replied, taking a few draws off before passing it back to Lizzy
“Yeah, I’m getting a tattoo done later for her, she always did like the design more than anything she’d ever seen” She blew rings in the smoke that escaped her mouth,
“I’m here if you need me” Tara whispered, the room suddenly went eerily quiet, the music had turned off a while ago now.
“I know” She sighed, suddenly a belch erupted in her stomach and a jerk and Lizzy was sent running for her sink, displaying her intake of food or lack thereof
“And you say you’re fine” Tara walked over, holding her hair.
“When was the last time you ate?” She asked with a curious glance.
“Last night, I can’t stop” She chuckled, wiping her mouth and feeling a little more relaxed.
They both put it down to the nervousness and the wreck she was being or had been and returned to their prior spots against the counter when the phone rang; Lizzy hoped it was Juice with her entire heart but there had been no contact between them since he’d walked out.
“Hel-lo?” She asked still croaking
“Lizzy?” The voice interrupted her
“Who is this?” She asked, tired and rubbing her hand on her forehead, becoming angered with the amount of calls she was receiving.
“It’s..Uncle Louis” He sniffed, her body went stiff with anger and atrocity, her first instinct was to put the phone down but she instead let him ramble on his sorries.
“Don’t come today, for your own good” she finally managed to hiss dramatically hiss before smashing the phone into the stand and growling.
Tara hovered around Lizzy for a little longer, taking up the space of the awaiting hours by comforting her and telling bad jokes; sharing anecdotes and whatnot
“Have you made a decision on whether you’re coming back to us?” Tara finally cut to the chase and the true meaning of what she was trying to get across for the entire time of her being there
“I’m not coming back, I’m sorry but I can’t” The words felt wrong escaping her mouth, like she had given up but she had her parlour now.
“There’s always space for you but the new barmaid is an absolute nightmare, keeps hitting on Juice and the gu-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that” Tara drawled out realising the error she had committed
“It’s fine” She shook her hand in the air in reply although she was breaking a little more inside.
“He keeps declining” Tara dug the hole deeper
“When did he get back?” Lizzy asked, he’d disappeared for a few weeks and no one had heard from him
“Two days ago but he’s here now” She retorted, coughing a little before picking up her phone and answering a call
“Okay, Oh God! I’ll be, I’ll be right in okay? Bye” She stressed each words carefully
“I need to get to the hospital, Baby heart surgery emergency; I’ll try and get to the funeral” Tara threw her things into the bag and kissed Lizzy on the cheek before rushing out leaving her unaware of what to do with herself.
Lizzy wandered around aimlessly for a little before going into her room and drying her hair in the mirror, using the brush to curl it loosely, becoming slower and slower with each movement like she was trying to put off the funeral, sickened by the fact that it was real, more real than ever.
She painted her makeup on carefully, her natural blindingly beautiful eyes wearing only mascara, waterproof being the best choice and a little foundation to cover her weariness, she stood up and put on a black and purple underwear set, slipping into a black, skin tight cocktail dress with long sleeves that being the only plain black dress she had, the black blazer and leather purse sat on the bed nicely next to a pair of black stilettos.
“Just take deep breaths, we can do this” She calmed herself, standing up and massaging her forehead between her cupped hand.
She slipped the shoes on and checked the time, one hour earlier, an hour to spare.
Lizzy gripped the sheets of paper, the money and the flowers and went to the passage, stopping in her tracks when she realised the door hanging open again, she really was beginning to think that she needed to lock it more often.
Lizzy’s heels tapped against the floor as she entered the open living room, her eyes wandering and panic stricken
“Who’s there?” She shouted, readying herself for a fight when he walked into the room and leant against the mantel above her fireplace, she was speechless and trying not to cry, such a shock that he was there erupted in her head.
“Hey” Juice waved awkwardly, he wore a suit above a white shirt with a black tie, looking smart and clean and more attractive than he’d ever looked.
“You-you look well” She croaked, feeling the sting and painful lump in her throat and the awkwardness surrounding them.
“So do you, you look better” His hands where in his pockets supporting his masculinity but his face was soft and caring
“Why are you here, Juan?” She asked lightly, the use of his rarely used forename became distancing
“I wanted to see you, to talk and I knew you couldn’t be alone for the funeral” He coughed.
“I’ve already had the cremation, She wanted it, the cremation beforehand then the service with a closed casket, she liked the idea of spreading her ashes in secret, with dad” Lizzy cracked and shook her body down as a way to calm herself.
“So the hardest part was over without even you even knowing about it...Where did you go anyway?” She asked him after a while, getting a little angry
“I was up in Minnesota for a while, Don’t know why, just drove and drove but I came back for you, today” He stepped towards her with his hand outstretched, she immediately crossed her arms and put her right hand against her mouth to hold in the leaking emotion.
There was an awkward silence as small tears tried to escape.
“How have you gotten on?” He asked, taking his hands out of his pockets
“I’m getting better, I was a wreck after you left but Tara showed me some ways to calm down, I handle it better now” She said as she walked over and shut the front door and ushered him into the kitchen, making two cups of coffee for them and taking a drink of her own.
“You’re speaking to them?” Juice sounded slightly offended
“Yeah, I mean they were the only ones that were there for me after Jake left, you left and No-one was willing to talk to the crazy chick that slit her wrists” She sniffed
“I was angry when I left, with myself for not understanding that it was my fault at first and I know I shouldn’t be angry with you” Juice sat on the bench and leant forwards
“It wasn’t a real kiss anyway, it was leverage and I still stay as far away from Jax as possible but he feels just as bad as I do, Clay came ‘round to talk to me about it but I wouldn’t let him in, he’s in Stockton now so we should be okay for a while” She sighed
“I’m sorry I left you” He looked at her with integrity and sorrow in his eyes before watching the contents of his mug swirl around
“I’m sorry I made you leave” she looked at her feet then up at the ceiling, extremely tired and emotional.
“Lizzy, I’m not leaving you again okay, I know it’s kind of weird me just turning up but I thought about it and I realised that you aren’t worth losing and I’m the jerk for not being there for you” Juice took her hand in his own
“Juice, can we just get through the funeral?” Lizzy asked, unable to be bothered with anything but with the knowledge that they weren’t over it made her that little bit more happier.
She finished the coffee and held her stomach, vomit rising in her throat, Juice noticed immediately and worried
“You okay?” He bent down a little and looked at her in the eyes
“Yeah, been throwing up all morning...I think it’s the stress” She smiled, standing upright and straightening out her dress, tattoo’s on show for all, Lizzy stood up and looked at Juice with a small smile
“I like the suit” She showed a lopsided, heart-aching smile, Juice walked over and picked her up, sitting her on the bench so he was standing between her legs
“Juice, there’s a guy” Lizzy finally sighed, her outburst unexpected; he pulled a face and stepped back in concern
“He’s gorgeous and makes me feel ridiculous, walks around like he owns the place, you might know him actually, he’s a son...tattoos on his head, bit of an ass...” She winked making him sigh in relief.
Suddenly there was the deep beep of the horn, snapping her out of her thoughts, she grabbed everything in minimal time as well as the urn her mother was situated in and raced to the car outside waiting for her, the Hurse behind it nicely bringing tears to her eyes.
She sat in the car after locking the front door, Juice voluntarily following as they drove to the church, the ride a worried wreck alive with the sweat of anticipation.
Juice’s hand was rested against her leg and although it looked normal he knew they were going to need to work to be normal again or at least somewhat as they cut through streets and drove past main roads.
They arrived what seemed to be hour’s early but was in fact only minutes before the guests and attendee’s arrived, Sal was already there, muttering her minor complaints at Marla on the front Pew as the empty coffin was brought in by the group of strong men including Juice.
They slid the white casket onto the marble slab carefully and arranged the flowers whilst Lizzy sat next to Sal and smiled, pulling her into a hug and tightening around her chest although she was barricaded, the large and feathered hat got into her mouth and tickled her nose before she silently smiled sweetly, the arrangement was lovely and the hard work she had put into this was showing.
Her thin fingers fiddled with the notes for a while before Juice sat next to Lizzy and squeezed her fidgeting hands, wary of the rest of everyone that had turned up and within 10 or so minutes each pew was cramped full, each possible standing place filled, ‘Ave Maria’ harmonised through the large and beautified church bringing tears to everyone’s eyes, angering Lizzy at the falseness of it all.
“You are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Marla Thomson Martinez and to how the appreciation we hold in our hearts for this beloved woman” The priest opened up the ceremony immediately, obviously wanting out of there faster than she did, Lizzy’s eyes fell upon the photo of her mother and instead of listening to the passages the priest read out she dropped her head and prayed in silence.
‘Hey mom, how is it up there? In heaven I mean; weird isn’t it? To think that you aren’t sitting next to me cooing about the fuckin’ decorations how annoying Sal’s hat is but I know you can hear me or at least I hope you can, still, nothing beats having a conversation with you via answering machine at least then I know I’m being listened to even if it is by some creep.
I know you’ve told me not to blame myself but you can’t possibly expect me to not when your parent died to make your dream come true, I could have achieved it on my own but now I’ve grown and realised that it’s what a parent does and I have realised that I need to shut up crying and make you proud; I still cry at night, I still have dreams about you and read the poems you read to me when I was a kid, most of all I shake and I don’t know why, the same time every night I freak out and then I calm but I know it’s you telling me to shape up.
I want you to know that nothing will stop me from blaming myself or make me feel better but time is magic and one day I might wake up and have a change of mind and say ‘you know what? I’m okay now’
All I ask is for a miracle to show that you’re there and you forgive me...that you love me, because I love you mom’ This all went through her mind at a slow pace, watching the priest’s mouth move almost alien like, the sounds were there but she couldn’t make out the words/
“Now, here to speak a few words is Marla’s daughter Elizabeth” He nodded and held out his hand, at this point she had no idea what he was saying until Juice whispered the leading words in her ear.
She stood up and dusted her clothes off, not exactly eager to stand up and talk, her heart was audible and the sound of her knee’s clattering together was enough to fuel the audience.
“I don’t know how to do this, I mean I’ve ne-never been to a funeral before never mind my own mother’s and since she left I-I-I’ve lost all sense of direction and meani-meaning but this isn’t what she would want, she wouldn’t want me to cry and sob until I became a pity or to whine...
My mom, Marla, was the best woman in the world, she was my idol and my meaning, my goal was to become like her as ins-in-in-inspirational and dream catching as she was, she was her own magic and sometimes she needed to be taken with a shot of vodka to mellow you out, so the world would tip along with you when you were around her, a little bit of paradise was my drunken nights with her shouting at Phineas and Ferb or giving me relationship advice because she thought I was lesbian for the first 18 years of my life but because when she wasn-n-n-n’t screaming at me for being on my b-b-b-b-bike or shouting out st-at-at-atics of my death probability she was a force to be reckoned with, something I want to become and she risked her life for me, it cost her life to make me happy but hell! I need a refund.
Now I’m not going to be the girl that cries for help at the funeral, the sensitive one, I’m going to be the one that makes you giggle and is happy for once, with a pinch of insensitivity, the one to tell you stories of my nutjob mom that I miss with my-my-my entire he-h-h-h-heart bec-cause it’s who she b-b-b-rought me...Oh My” Lizzy stuttered with the pressure, never looking up from her tattered piece of paper that said for words ‘Speak what you feel’ But before long the tragedy was hitting her again and she was clutching the altar for support, Juice was immediately up beside her, whispering soothing things in her ear.
“She brought me up, to be like this...and most importantly she made me realise that I need to seize every-every opportunity with both of my hands, she literally forced me to notice that life isn’t going to be easy but not to let what I have now go, Juice...” She turned, sobbing throughout each word she spoke.
“She fucking loved you” She finally broke, collapsing into his chest, ignoring the murmurs that spread as she realised the swearing she’d done in church but it didn’t matter, instead Juice put his arm under hers and rushed her out, only grabbing the urn as he walked out, trying to calm her, Sal understood and so did the rest of them, it was her time to talk.
The fresh air slammed into Lizzy like a new gust of wind as she exited the church, making more of a spectacle than she expexted; urging her to bend over and throw up, away from Juice however; she held the urn close to her chest and slumped to his feet, resting against the wall, her man following.
“My last conversation with your mom was her telling me that I loved you...she told ME that” He laughed, holding her hand
“I had that talk with her, I think she’s trying to play Cupid” She whispered, wiping away a tear and created circles in the skin of Juice’s hand.
“She said that I don’t know it yet but that you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and that’s she’s only ever seen her baby girl this happy one in her entire life” Lizzy wailed quietly if possible, her heartbreaking sob was not loud but it was alerting to those outside the church.
“And am I?” He asked
“I think you might be” She sighed, taking deep breaths to stop the tears.
“When was the other time?” He asked again, this time pulling her into his chest and stroking her hair
“When I pushed Ida down the stairs at middle school and she broke her foot” She smiled through the blurred vision, a feeling stirred back up in her stomach, unable to tell what it was but she was aware of the butterflies in her stomach.
She didn’t want to go back in there, she wanted to go to the reservation a mile or two behind the church where her father had been spread, She sighed and stood up, removing her shoes and standing on the soft, green grass with her boyfriend following, suspecting they were still that.
“What time is it?” She asked him, watching him check his phone
“4:35”
“It seems so fast but so slow, I was in there for a half hour... jeez” She marvelled, the air cooling her emotions but the fact that she had to confront and stand in front of that many people for the first time since College and talk about something she obviously thought was beginning to heal had reopened the wound.
Juice’s hand slipped into her own and they walked hand in hand by the rows and rows of headstones, Lizzy still cried lightly but other than that she was beginning to calm down, the church, the atmosphere, the crying reminded her of the pain of death and now she was out of it she felt like she was out of the Amityville’s grip.
“I missed you, when I left” He turned to look her in the eye, cutting through the cemetery and onto a road that would lead to the lake.
“I had to watch you leave, know how hard that was for me? Then Jake woke up...he didn’t even turn up today” She sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.
His guilt arose and captured his silence; unable to answer her he instead looked down and continued walking, Soon they arrived at the lake the family used to camp in and sat down.
“How long is it until we need to back for the wake...I have something I need to do before hand” She turned with an inquiring expression, unscrewing the lid off of the urn and emptied half out into the flowing breeze before screwing the lid back on.
“We have an hour or so left” He pulled her into the side of him and kissed her temple.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The room began to fill with everybody from the funeral as Lizzy stood awkwardly in the corner of TM; she decided to go there instead of her own house or the apartment above the parlour, She’d planned to stay for an hour then go, it was expected for everybody to get so drunk they couldn’t stand and she wanted to go and get her next thing done, her next tattoo of remembrance.
“Sure you got this?” Juice asked, they had went back to the church to thank everyone for coming and of course Lizzy apologised but nevertheless it didn’t stop the whispers of disgust.
“I got this babe” She replied, pecking his lips before Tigs barrelled into her, kissing her on the cheek and tightening his arms around her, Fawn his youngest and now only daughter behind him awkwardly
“You okay Sweetie?” He asked, pushing her away at arms length to look at her
“I am now” She chuckled, punching him in the arm playfully.
One after another they hugged her, each son whispering something personal in her ear.
Rock music slipped from the speaker and soothed Lizzy, sitting at the bar with her soda and others buzzing around her, laughing, playing pool and drinking
“Here’s your things Lizbian” Sal winked, laughing at the little nickname she’d created for her Goddaughter when she was sure she was that of a woman catcher, handing her everything she’d left.
“Thanks Sal” She rolled her eyes, kissing her cheek before she sat opposite her and ordered a triple vodka and coke
“Go slow, okay?” She was ordered from Lizzy and before soon they were back to people watching and laughing; It took another hour for everyone to become a little more lively, making Lizzy laugh and enjoy the day that little bit more when she heard the one thing she didn’t
“Elizabeth honey?” His gruff voice turned heads, he’d lurked in the background the entire funeral and wake, just waiting to get the moment, Juice was stood behind her, stroking her arms and whispering soothing nothings into her ears, mainly laughing at things people were wearing
She swivelled on her seat and came face to face with him, the man that broke her heart and her mothers’.
“What are you doing here?” She hissed at her Uncle
“Oh Hey Louis” Several men patted him on the back, not having seen him in a while
“I...I came here for you and for my sister” He became defensive, angering her to the point where she stood up, the stool hitting the bar as she walked up to the tall guy
“You don’t get to call her that after what you did” She started to raise her voice unintentionally
“I didn’t do anything” He replied calmly, trying to usher her away from the crowd she was attracting
“Babe, come on...leave it” Juice said, holding her hand but she shook it away and stepped closer
“Why don’t you take your traitor, rat, betraying, scum ass the fuck out of here and find another whore for you to fuck and disown your family for” She shouted, his eye twitched and his hand raised
“Go on, hit me, you can’t face the fact that you abandoned your family for a slut or was it because you were scared what would happen after you ratted out my dad, ...or was it because you were scared someone would fucking rely on you for once in your sorry assed life when she was diagnosed” Her voice raised to a scream and his hand slapped against her skin, Juice was still moving towards him in the heat of the moment but she got there first, all the guys flanked her to show support as her fist barrelled into his face, snapping to the side as his jaw hung low, seconds later Juice pounced and grabbed him by his throat
“You should never have came” She spat, Jax and Juice whispering threats at him as they picked him up and dragged him outside, beating him up away from the eyes of the people there.
Tara tried to tend to the bruised cheek she’d obtained but she wouldn’t allow it and instead went straight outside and straight to the parlour, only telling the guys where she was going.
“Lizzy!” A drunken bellowing bounced across the street as she crossed the road from TM, sobbing lightly, her jacket over her arm and her shoes in her fingers, she didn’t need to worry because Clay was in Stockton and he was the only thing she was truly scared of.
She continued to look down, wiping tears away with the back of her hand when she caught sight of him, the train wreck that was her best friend, he hadn’t turned up to the funeral but she knew that her mothers’ death hit him hard, after having no mother Marla was the closest thing to it for Jake.
He was in his once neat suit now ripped and torn with the sleeves rolled up revealing his heavily tattooed skin, his tie around his greasy blond hair and his shirt ripped open and covered in what was assumed to be Jack Daniels, soaking his shirt, the bottle however still in his hand and only half empty.
“What hap-happened to your beaauuutiful face” He spat, swaying in his drunken state as he grabbed her face to inspect it
“Jake, let go” She asked, curling her fingers beneath his tight grip on her face and throwing his hands towards him
“Why! Am I not HIM!” He continued to slur, throwing his arms in the air as if to give up however not quite a surrender, He pointed at Juice that was taking a slow jog up the path behind her, slowing to rid any evidence of the attack that just took place.
“Shut up Jake” She shook her head, rocking back on her heels and crossing her arms, still crying noiselessly.
Juice fastened the pace and pulled Lizzy’s hand into his own, tightening his grip
“Everything okay here?” He asked, his other hand going into a fist
“Evvverrything is just fine Juicy Boy, now that you’re here” Jake grinned, swigging the jack Daniels and smiling, spilling from his gritted teeth.
“Are you out of your mind?” Juice hissed, irate
“No...She is” Jake’s and threw towards Lizzy’s thin arm, pulling her into his soaked chest, alcohol running down his chin and onto her.
“Dude” Juice fumed, pulling her back to him only a little less harsh, checking she was alright before standing in front of her protectively.
“She is out of her, her very, very own mind because she loves you and not me, and everybody knows that I can love her better and more than you can” Jake continued to sway, tripping over his own feet and leaning against the wall of one of the stores with a hiss and a snarl to his tone.
“She’ll be another chick on your list, all you sons do is fuck our women up then fuck our town up and everybody worships you, you’re all fucking JOKES!” He became louder and more aggressive, heavy rock music flowed from the garage and clubhouse, the night becoming dark.
“You will never understand how much she means to me and how far I am willing to go to make her happy, now go run along and find someone who cares to bother instead of cracking on about how much you love her, if you really loved her you wouldn’t have let her walk right into the arms of a ‘son’” Juice was standing toe to toe with the taller Jake that apparently was becoming somewhat of a puffy cushion, sticking his chest out like a robin.
“I didn’t have a choice, watching her ogle you since the day you waltzed into this town, having to listen to her whine about how she hated her life because she couldn’t talk to you, how you walked by her and never even looked until she turned into something she is not for you...now tell me I could have done something” Jake’s hand tightened around the bottle, it almost cracking from the pressure, Lizzy loved the attention she was getting but not in this form, a note or a text would have been nice but any more destruction was a bad cause.
“Guys” She sighed, putting her hand on Juice’s back to calm him down.
“It’d be really great if you’d stop embarrassing me right now Jake, kay?” She huffed unable to understand the meaning of this and more importantly, not letting the ‘I love you’ sink in fast enough accidentally.
“Is that it? I god I hoped for something a lot more heartfelt than that, you really have changed for him” The words stabbed at her skin but it seemed to deflect anything bad now, bullying toughens a person, Juice reached breaking point and swung for him, tackling him to the ground before straddling him, his fist pounded into Jake’s face many times with an ear bleeding crack and skin breaking force, his grunts of displeasure apparent within the barriers of the fight
“Juice!” She cried, her stomach churning but not from the fight,
“Juice...leave him alone” She screamed, tearing at his back before Lizzy’s tears and distress urged him off.
“I love her, come near us again and I’ll show you just how much” Juice stood, not looking Lizzy in the eye due to his anger, wiping the blood he had from his nose off the one bat Jake had snuck in his fight to get off, walking back to TM whilst Lizzy was left to deal with the consequences of his love.