The rest of the dinner was simple, easy. The awkward silence that filled the room before was long gone and replaced with laughter and lengthy conversations. The sound of forks scratching against the plates faded into the background and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt like I was home.
I watched Lilly from the corner of my eyes. Watching as she threw her head back and laughed at something my mother said. The smile that was on her face wasn't the forced smile I saw earlier today. It was geniune and real. The kind of smile that made me forget how to breathe. I laughed along with her, although I did not hear a word my mother had said. Her laugh alone can make a smile tug at the corner of my lips.
At this point, I knew I was staring. But I couldn't turn away for the fear that I would miss out on anything. I'm even too afraid to blink because who knows what adorable action she could make in the time it takes me to blink. She turned her head to the side, noticing my stare. Her eyebrows knitted together and curiousity replaced the laughter. I already miss it. She quirked one eyebrow at me, silently asking me what my deal was. I shook my head, mentally noting that I needed to be more cautious with my creepy stares.
Somewhere during my mothers extremely detailed descriptions of my baby fat, Lilly had decided it was time for her to go. I led her to the door, eagerly pushing her away before my mom pulled out the photo albums.
"Thanks for what you did in there," I smiled.
She gave me a nonchalant shrug. "No problem. It was definitely more intresting than World War Z will ever be."
I gasped. "World War Z is an amazing movie!"
She rolled her eyes. She chuckled, shaking her head pityingly at me. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said, reaching for the doorknob.
I grabbed her arm, stopping it from reaching the door. She smiled knowingly up at me, already adjusting to my constant interruptions. I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her towards me, and pressing my lips against hers. I began to feel her pull away, but I only held on tighter, keeping her in my arms. She detached her lips from mine softly, but still keeping our bodies together.
"No," I whined, moving my head towards hers so our lips were lightly touching.
"I think we have an audience," Lilly mumbled against my lips.
I opened my eyes, seeing that hers were still closed. I sighed, feeling the presence of three nosy individuals looming by the kitchen door. I reluctantly pulled away from her, watching Lilly's eyes slowly open to look at me.
"Let me walk you home," I suggested with a smile.
"You don't have to," Lilly said, shaking her head.
"I want to. It'll give me an excuse to get out of this house and away from any eavesdropping family members," I said, nodding my head behind me where I knew they all stood, straining their ears hoping to catch pieces of our conversation.
Lilly smiled, nodding her head in agreement. She looked past my shoulder to wave goodbye to the threesome, who, at this point, scurried off in all directions, trying to hide their obvious snooping. I opened the front door, quickly ushering her out into the yard. Once the door was closed, I let out of deep breath of relief.
Lilly chuckled, holding out her hand for me to take. "Well you couldn't get out of there fast enough."
I rolled my eyes, taking her hand in mine. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have been put in that position."
"It's fine. Your family is great," she smiled. I gave her an incredulous look with my eyebrows raised.
"Okay fine," she conceded. "Maybe some parts of the dinner were slightly...uncomfortable."
"It was terrifying," I corrected.
She laughed. "Alright! Your dad may have scarred me for life."
"Ugh! I'm so sorry. He usually isn't that bad, I swear," I groaned, running a frustrated hand through my hair. "It's just for some reason he decided to make an extra effort to be an asshole today."
"It really wasn't that bad."
"How could you say that? If it were up to my dad he would have patted you down to see if you had any weapons on you. I bet he's at home doing a background check on you right now," I grumbled, easily imagining him hunched over a computer screen, scrolling through Lilly's academic records.
"He was so rude to you and he wasn't even trying to hide it. He might as well of held up a sign saying I hate Lilly Dawson in big letters."
"Was that true? What he said in there? About you not wanting to go to college?" she asked timidly, obviously knowing it was a sore subject between me and him. I sighed before nodding my head.
"Yeah. I never liked school and I was never good in school. I don't want to spend four years in a place that wouldn't help me in what I really want to be."
She nodded her head while chewing on her bottom lip.
"What?" I asked. "You're holding back on me. What is it?"
She sighed, looking over at me. "You know that I have complete faith in you, right?"
I slowly nodded my head, getting an idea of where she was going with this.
"I think you're so talented but...college is important," she paused to run a hand through her hair. "I just think everyone needs a plan B."
I rolled my eyes. "Spare me the lecture, Lilly. I've heard-"
"Just hear me out," she interrupted.
"I'm not saying you should go to college. I'm not even saying you shouldn't go. It's your life and it's your decision. I just think you need to think more carefully about this. This isn't like choosing what to eat for dinner. This is your future and it deserves something more than just a spur-of-the-moment decision. And if your decision ends up being a mistake than the only thing you can do is learn from it and fix it. Besides, I bet a huge part of your choice of not going to college is because you know it'll piss off your dad."
"No it's not!" I squeaked, wincing shortly after at my high voice.
She chuckled with a tender roll of her eyes. "This is an important decision. You shouldn't make it just to be rebellious towards your father."
"He thinks that I'm going to screw up my life if I don't go."
She shook her head. "I think the only time someone can screw up is if they make a mistake and don't try to fix it. Making mistakes doesn't mean your life is over; it means that you're human. Just promise me that you won't make up your mind yet. Promise me that you'll think about this."
I looked at her, studying the way her lip pouted and her eyes nearly sparkled with hope. I sighed, nodding my head. She grinned up at me, her eyes lighting up in victory. "I wish my dad thought the same way you did. All he does is yell and tell me that if I don't go to college I'll end up living in a shoebox because I won't be able to afford a refrigerator box."
She winced. "Well, at least he doesn't sugarcoat it."
I groaned, shooting her a flat unimpressed glare. "You are not helping."
"Wasn't trying to," she shrugged, a teasing smirk tugging at her lips.
I ran a hand down my face, mostly to hide my growing smile that somehow crept onto my lips. I saw her looking at me from the corner of my eye as I let my hand drop to my side.
"There's that smile I've been wanting to see all night!" she cheered, waggling a finger in front of my face.
I shook my head affectionally down at her, my smile growing wider. We came to a stop in front of her house. I sighed, dreading the moment where I would have to take those lonely steps back to my house.
"I'm sorry about tonight. I wanted to make you happy and you didn't seem so happy getting interrogated by my dad," I frowned, thinking back to the events at the dinner table.
Lilly grinned, standing up on her tip-toes and tilting her head upwards to look me straight in the eyes. "You want to see me happy?" she asked, cocking her head to the side, unaware as to how adorable that made her look. "Smile more often."
She placed a chaste kiss on my lips, before pulling away and letting her forehead linger against mine for a few brief seconds. I watched her walk up to her front door, giving me a small wave before disappearing into her house. I stayed until the door closed and I didn't leave until the lights in her bedroom flickered on.
I pulled open the door of my house, absorbed in my thoughts of Lilly. I had a content smile as I jogged up the stairs with an extra bounce in my step. I stopped suddenly, nearly tripping on the last step, when I heard screaming voices coming from my parent's room. I grabbed the railing, keeping a steady balance as I listened. I wouldn't call it eavesdropping considering they were shouting loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.
"She's putting bad thoughts into his head!" my dad's gruff voice ringing throught the halls.
"This has nothing to do with her! She is a nice girl!" my mom's voice came next. Her usual calm tone was gone as her words took an angry twist. "You're just mad because Dustin is growing up and you have no control over him anymore!"
"Don't you dare give me all that psychological crap Amy! He needs to go to college!"
"I agree, but Dustin is a smart kid. He will do fine wherever he ends up! It is our job to support him in whatever he chooses!"
"Support?! I will support him when he makes the right choice! He needs to work in the family buisness, not become some stupid egotistical popstar!"
"He isn't you Dave! He has his own dreams and plans! Stop being such an ignorant asshole and let him make them!"
I froze. Hearing my father curse was no big deal but my mother was another story. Hearing her utter a word that even came close to a curse would be like my father admitting he was wrong.
"Because they're wrong! I don't need this! All this fighting and yelling is stupid and I'm tired of it!"
"No one is making you stay! If you can't handle it maybe you should just leave!"
"Maybe I will!"
His voice boomed throughout the entire house and I'm surprised the picture frames didn't fall off the walls. The house lasped into a silence. No one moved and no one spoke. Even the sounds of my own breath suddenly became too loud. I could picture them standing in their room just staring at each other. They were both silent, both of them too afraid to say what was really on their minds for the fear that what they say would be it. That with one sentence the perfect family portrait they had worked to keep perfect, came crumbling down. The facade of a wonderful family falling apart in pieces at their feet. They both stayed silent as they stared at each other. Because, right now, silence seemed to be the only thing keeping them together.
But to me, it felt like the silence and all those words left unsaid, were tearing us apart. Little by little. Piece by piece.
I stood from where I was crouching on the top step and walking into my bedroom. I slammed the door, not caring that the loud bang broke the silence, not caring that my parents probably knew that I heard every word.
I ran both hands through my hair so hard that I nearly pulled out every follicle. I growled, pacing around my room in circles. I kicked my bed, too enraged to even wince at the sharp pain shooting up my leg. I threw the pillows against the locked door, crying out in aggravation. I screamed, slamming my fists against the walls, wishing for them to crumble and break like my so called family. I threw myself on my disarray bed, screaming into the mattress until my throat was sore. I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling until I spied my phone lying on a heap of blankets. I reached for it and dialled her number as if on instinct.
I listened to the dull dial tone as a million thoughts ran through my head. I told myself to hang up and not cross into that dangerous territory. The territory where I let another person see me vulnerable.
The low tone continued to ring and I told myself that if she didn't pick up it would be a good thing, but I secretly knew that if she didn't pick up, I would only call again. I ran a hand down my face, squeezing my eyes shut to keep the angry tears in. I wasn't going to cry. They were not worth the tears. Just as I reached to press the red end call button I heard a groggy hello come from the other line.
"Lilly?" I asked, putting the phone to my ear again. "Are you there?"
"Dustin? Are you okay? What's wrong?" she asked, sounding more awake.
"Oh, I didn't know you were sleeping. I'm sorry for bothering you," I said, slapping myself in the head for calling her.
"Dustin wait!" she blurted. "What's wrong?"
"It's nothing," I sighed.
"Tell me," she ordered and I could almost feel her heated glare through the phone.
"Do you think it's my fault?" I asked, sitting up on the edge of my bed.
"Um...what is?"
"The reason my family sucks. Is it my fault?" I asked again, putting my head in my hand.
"Of course not!" she replied quickly.
"Then why is it that every argument my parents ever had is about me?"
"Dustin-" she said softly.
"Do you think-" I stopped, unsure as to how to finish that sentence. I looked up, spying a pair of scissors on my desk. "-do you think things would be better if I didn't exist?"
"Dustin!" she shouted. I ignored her, standing up and walking over to my desk to grasp the sharp scissors in my hands.
"If I was gone...they wouldn't have anything to fight about and their lives could be perfect. They wouldn't have me as a burden anymore." I turned the scissors over in my hands.
"Dustin! Stop!" she screamed. Her voice was shrill and shaky. "Whatever you're thinking, just please don't," she pleaded, her voice turning frightened.
I looked at the silver scissors as I settled back at the foot of my bed.
"But-"
"No! Dustin, I need you to listen to me and I mean really listen to me. Your parents love you and they care about you. You're not a burden. You are the biggest thing keeping your family together. Every day you are a constant reminder of the love they once shared. No family is perfect. I mean-" she paused to let out a dry laugh, "-just look at mine. Everything they do, they do it because they care about you so much that it makes them crazy. The reason your dad was so harsh against me wasn't because he was an asshole, it was because he wanted to find a girl worthy of his son."
I scoffed, glancing down at the scissors again.
"Your parents love each other too. If they didn't, they wouldn't even bother trying. They wouldn't even bother arguing. When they are argue, they fight for each other. If they didn't love each other, they would have given up a long time ago. Don't doubt that for even a second. Family isn't just a specific arrangement of chromosomes. Family means something."
I looked down again at my empty hand. I didn't even realize I dropped the scissors.
"Sometimes I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge. No family. No friends. Not a single person in the world who loves you," I admitted, rubbing two fingers against my temple.
"I love-" she cut off abrubtly, her words fading away.
"What?"
She cleared her throat. "I-I love...that movie. I love that movie," she said, her voice trembling slightly.
I furrowed my eyebrows at my phone, trying to decide if she was going to say what I thought she was. Lilly coughed again. "I want you to get ready for bed."
I stared at my phone with my eyes narrowed in confusion. "Oh-kay," I reluctantly said, standing up and walking towards my dresser. I tucked the phone under my ear as I quickly pulled off my blue jeans.
"Please don't do something you'll regret," Lilly breathed. "Just call me first before you do something stupid. Don't forget to breathe. It's only a bad day, not a bad life. Are you dressed?"
"Yeah," I said as I retrieved my pillows from the floor before climbing into bed.
"I'm going to help you sleep and when you wake up tomorrow, everything will be in the past. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes and no bad moments. Everything else is history so don't waste tomorrow obsessing over it. You get a fresh start so you better not screw it up." I could hear the smile in her voice and just the thought brought a smile to my own.
I pulled the blanket up to my chin, snuggling deeper into the sheets. I held the phone against my ear with my hand. I listened intently, grasping everything about her voice. The way she pronounced every word with a sweet softness and how all the words would flow together so perfectly. I let my eyes fall shut as I listened closely to her recite poems under her breath. Her voice was a whisper and I could slowly hear her words fading away until they disappeared completely.
The only sounds were her deep breaths on the other line. I adjusted the phone to fit easier against my ear, holding on tighter to every syllable she said.
And that's how I woke up. With the phone pressed to the side of my face and the sound of her shallow breaths filling my ears. I smiled at the ragged sounds, picturing her lying on her bed, eyes closed in a peaceful sleep. I never understood how people did this; stay on the phone without saying a word, bringing up the payment on the phone bill. Now, I still don't understand. But I don't need to. Right now the only thing that was absolutely clear to me was, I fell asleep easily just listening to her breathe.
And that was enough to blur the thin line between real and fake just a little bit more.