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We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone ~Ronald Reagan
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After all the things that had gone down on the weekend I decided it was best to take a break. I needed some time alone. So, I went to school by foot, trotted through the hallways to my classes alone and sat by myself on a small table during lunch break.
However much I enjoyed some time to breathe it didn't go unnoticed. My friends had asked me on several different occasions why I was ignoring them. They also tried to force me into accepting them to be around by walking with me side by side to my locker or my classes. But I had told them that this actually had the opposite affect on me and tried to explain to them that I just needed some time to myself.
And eventually they gave me what I asked for. Time to be alone with my thoughts.
I was already dreading practice. What the heck was I thinking when I had accepted this deal on Friday? When I thought about it now my stomach was clenching with fear.
And as though all my anxiety over football wasn't enough Sam was constantly invading my thoughts. I couldn't sleep properly last night, because I was thinking about our small amount of time together. The things he had said, the way he had moved, the smile on his face and lastly my brain created various different silly fangirl scenarios of how we would meet again. It was stupid, really, but I couldn't stop.
And on top of that I had a weird dream about Ryan. Like really weird. But the thing is I couldn't remember what it was about, the only thing I knew was that it had been really weird.
Do you know those dreams? They are like a faint memory of your childhood. You know some things, but you can't remember the bigger picture. Maybe it is a defense mechanism of our brain, maybe it doesn't want us to remember specific things or situations, because they are too hurtful or humiliating to bear. Or maybe, in my case, it is irrelevant and you don't need the information you would get out of it. Or maybe it hides everything from you, because it would destroy the things that actually matter, not some fantasy.
Self preservation.
So, here I was, in the far back of the cafeteria on the probably loneliest table known to mankind, listening to music while reading and eating my lunch at the same time, desperately trying not to overthink everything. I was tapping my foot to the beat when someone touched my shoulder, jerking me back to reality. "Hey," I smiled up at him after taken my earbuds out.
"H-hey, I didn't mean to startle you."
"No, that's okay," I reassured him.
"I j-j-just saw you t-there alone an-and I thought... er.. is everything okay?"
I was just about to answer him when we were interrupted.
Ryan's POV
I gave her space and now she won't even talk to me. This is ridiculous, I didn't do anything wrong, I thought while stabbing my food. And then Chris approached her table.
And I lost it. I marched over to her despite Drake's warnings. "So, this nerd is allowed to talk to you, but not us? Not me?" I snapped, anger popping out of nowhere.
"Chris was just asking if I was okay. He was on his way to his table, right?" she asked him. He nodded.
"Liz, what are you doing? Why are you pushing all of us away?"
"I don't think that's any of your business," she hissed.
I crossed my arms over my chest, gritting my teeth. "Oh, but I think it is," I answered, my voice laced with anger. Chris, seeming to have heard it as well, backed away, leaving us to have a privat conversation. She tilted her head to the side, staring at me, puzzled. "I didn't do anything wrong. I left on Sunday, because you asked me to. I was sincere when I told you that I'd be there for you. I... I.. I don't know what else you want me to do," I admitted.
She looked taken aback by my sincerity. "Look, I'm thankful for your caring so much about our friendship." Friendship. Ouch, that burned. "And for being a good friend. But I just need a break."
I frowned, sitting down. "A break from me?"
She looked anxious when I said this, her eyes widened. "No," she said quickly. "Yes," she admitted, unsure. "I mean,... I don't know. I need some time alone. A break from everything and everyone. Last week was so much, you know? I just can't stand all the gossip and people talking about me behind my back."
"Then let them talk, ignore them."
"I can't! Okay? I just... I can't ignore all the voices. All... All the things they are saying, I can't just not listen to them. They are everywhere I go, everything I hear. And when I'm with you or Logan or Jeremy or Jack or anyone really, they gossip even more. And I can't handle all of this." She was truly honest to me and that didn't happen all day. She loosened the grip on her facade. For me.
I placed my hand over hers on the table, but just as quick as I had reached out she flinched back. I ignored the pinch of hurt my heart crossed. She was looking over her shoulder, probably trying to tell if anybody had seen the small gesture. I hadn't noticed before that all eyes were on us. "I'm sorry, but," she mumbled.
"No, it's okay." Her eyes swung up to mine and instead of taking her hand again I squeezed her knee under the table when I saw the desperate look in her eyes. She was stuck in a dilemma. Either reject me or let them spread even more rumors. And her heart could only take so much pain.
She sighed, running both her hands over her face. She looked tired. "Ryan, I... Normally I would talk about this with Logan, but we are kinda, you know." I nodded in understanding. They were not on speaking terms at the moment. I was eager to hear what she wanted to tell me. Her, opening up to me caused a fuzzy feeling to spread through my body. "Ryan, I'm seriously regretting accepting the coach's offer. I... What if all of this will blow up in my face? What if I can't help? What if Jensen and his buddies... I don't know start picking on me again? What if-"
"Hey," I spoke calmly, squeezing her knee. "Don't overthink it, okay? It will be fine. And if they aren't willing to let you help them then leave them be. I know you want to help, but sometimes you can't help everyone, Bee. And the thing with Jensen and the others... well, don't forget that I'll be there. Okay?"
She sighed deeply. "Okay," she said and tried to ease a smile on her face, but she was still fidgety, nervous.
I wanted to take her mind off things, wanted her to believe me that I meant it when I said that I'll protect her, because I will. No matter what, I will protect her.
"I see you started our project, little worker Bee." I gestured to the book she had been reading before. She nodded. "Yeah, you might need to help me with that. I don't really get play's so," I trailed off.
"Sure thing, you want to meet next weekend?"
I smiled. "Course. Mine or yours?"
That got her thinking. "Er... Is it okay with you when we meet at yours?" A small feeling of surprise settled into my brain.
Before I thought about yesterday and completely understood why she wanted to meet at mine. I nodded. "Yeah, I'll text you the address." Questions of excitement came whooshing in. Would she finally meet my uncle and aunt? Would she discover who I was? Would I get the chance to reveal our history?
"Okay."
I didn't want to leave her at this loner table, but that's what she wanted so I said, "Well, I'd better leave you to read this then. See you later." I practically had to force myself to pull my hand away from her knee.
"Yeah, bye," she said with a small smile. I was about to stand up when she spoke, " Oh and Ryan. It's nothing personal, really."
"Promise?" I asked and held up my pinky.
She beamed at me-and I melted- and linked her finger with mine. "Promise."
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Liz' POV
Things had cooled down a bit since last week. Just a teeny tiny bit. Don't get me wrong, the tension between the school's population and myself was still there. But something had changed, I can't tell what exactly. But it felt like some of them were over the gossip and didn't care as much anymore. And I was really grateful for that.
Of course this was only a very small part of pupils in our school, most of them were still whispering and talking about me and the thing with Jensen. I guess the bet didn't help calm the shitstorm either.
But my classes all passed eventually and the gossip did too (for the day). And although people had been talking about me, it didn't really bother me all that much, because I was a bundle of freaking nerves. All day I had to think about football practice. My whole body was alight with fear and my instincts told me, no they rather screamed at me to run, like always. Everything in me was begging me to just go home, to forget about ever accepting the coach's offer and just living on like I did before.
But as much as I wanted to do just that, I couldn't. I couldn't run away from everything in my life and I knew that, but sometimes it was just too hard to go on, to go over the fear.
But I needed to force myself to move through the fear, because I made a promise. I promised the coach that I would be there on Monday, today. And I'm gonna keep that promise.
I met Edwards and his colleagues on the field, the team had yet to make an appearance. "Ms. Graham, it's nice to see you again," coach Edwards said with a smile. He seemed to be in a hell of a good mood today.
I gave a small awkward wave. "Hi." He introduced me to his team and thanked me again for accepting his offer.
I was just putting all my stuff down when Edwards shoved a piece of paper in my hands. "Here, this is a list of all names and positions, I thought you could use it."
I smiled up at him, beyond grateful. "Thank you, this really helps." The coach might come across as harsh sometimes, but he was a good guy.
The team slowly but surely came out of the locker rooms, chattering while waiting for the others to appear. Ryan caught my eye when he passed me and I had to force myself to stay seated and not go over to him, because I was still scared, now more than I had been the entire day and I longed for someone familiar and that he was.
I wanted, no I needed somebody to calm my nerves, but I knew that no one else could do it but me. Actually no, I couldn't either because the fear would only vanish if I was safe. And in the situation I was in right now I wasn't safe at all, I was at risk. The unfamiliar was hard to accept and even harder to bear. But the funny thing is every familiar thing/place/person had been unfamiliar at one point, you just got used to it.
Jack took notice of me the minute he walked out and came straight over. I felt a bit of relief filter through the fear. "Hey, shorty," he smiled down at me.
"Hey," I said, a nervous smile playing on my lips. Jack seized me up and probably saw through cracks of my facade. It was always the hardest to maintain my mask when I was scared and nervous.
"Want a hug?" he asked and I beamed.
He hugged me without needing any further response. It was a bit weird with all the gear he had put on, but it was still calming my nerves an inch of a fraction.
We both let go when Edwards blew the whistle and with one last glance over his shoulder Jack joined his team mates. "Okay, ladies, before we start I've got some things to say." He looked over at Ryan. "Johnson." Ryan nodded and joined the coach at his spot, getting a perfect view of the whole team. Ryan glanced over his shoulder at me and indicated with his head that I should come over. So, I did.
"What is she doing here?" Jensen asked as I fell into place between the two.
"Quiet." Ryan said, his tone something near deadly.
"Ryan, I don't think we are allowed to bring our whores-"
Logan, standing next to him, gave him a good shove. "Shut the fuck up, idiot." Next to me Ryan's hands were clenched into fists, his jaw ticking.
It was then that I felt the impact of his words. Whore. The rejection filled my heart immediately, it came along with the pain. I took a step back as if I've been physically slapped, because it sure felt that way.
"Hey!" yelled Edwards. "You have a freaking problem, Jensen?!"
Jensen seemed to regain his mask of respect. "No, no problem coach, just mild curiosity."
"Mild curiosity my ass," mumbled Ryan under his breath.
"Good, then you'll have no reason not to apologize to Ms. Graham," he said, his tone laced with a challenge. Jensen stared at him and then at me, it was silent. "Well?" asked the coach, eyebrow raised. Jensen remained silent.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all," I said lowly so only Ryan and Edwards could hear me. Ryan moved closer to me, our hands inches apart, a small breath of relief escaped my lips when I felt the safety of his warmth radiate off his body.
The coach glanced briefly at me. "You don't apologize to Elizabeth, you have to run laps until you find the last piece of your damn guts to do so, understood?!"
"Coach may I ask why I have to undergo a punishment just for this girl?" Jensen asked challengingly, head held high, distaste lacing his words.
"Because she is a part of this team!"
That basically shut all of them up for a while. Then the murmuring started. "Idiots, if you'd shut up coach could actually explain it!" came a voice in the crowd. The boy was tall and quite handsome, but I've never seen him before except for games.
"Thanks, Don," Edwards directed at him. I took a mental note on that name. "Ms. Graham's job is to help this team, our team, become one unit! And you'll treat her with damn respect!" at this he shot a look at Jensen. "If you don't, I'll find out and it will get ugly! Understood?!" The major part of them mumbled something that was barely heard, the others, which basically consisted of my friends and this Don guy, gave a clear yes.
Ryan stepped forward, hands still clenched, anger radiating off him, "Understood?!" His voice was filled with rage.
"Yes!" all answered in unison.
"Good," the coach mirrored Ryan's actions and stepped forward. "With Elizabeth's help we are trying to prevent things like those fights on Friday and of course to improve our game. So there's a good chance she might approach you for a little chat."
He clapped. "Nice, if every thing is said," he glanced at me in question, I shook my head, then at the team, they stayed silent, "I'd say we start with some laps. And the ones of you who have participated in the fight on Friday, make it three more!" They didn't protest, instead they took it with dignity and nodded.
"And Jensen, don't think that I forgot about your punishment! You run as long as it takes for you to man up and apologize!" Before Jensen could protest the coach turned around and walked away. Jensen shot me a death glare.
I headed after the coach. "With all due respect, sir, I don't think that was the right decision." My stomach was in knots, caused by the hatred directed towards me.
"Ms. Graham, believe me, I know what I do."
"Of course, sir, I just don't think that his punishment will calm his hatred towards me."
"Elizabeth, the way he behaved was everything but okay."
"Yes, I know calling me names isn't-"
"I wasn't just talking about today." He gave me a pointed look that stopped me dead in my tracks.
He knew. He knew about the video. "How...?"
"Elizabeth, I'm not blind. Teachers know about the gossip that goes around school."
I stood there, dumbfounded. "Does the principle know?" I swallowed.
He shook his head. "I haven't told him yet."
"Yet?"
"I wanted to talk to you first."
"If you do it, people will hate me, if they don't already do it."
He sighed, but didn't deny it. "Let's talk about this later, Elizabeth."
"Liz."
"Excuse me?"
"Just call me Liz."
He nodded. "Okay."
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All throughout practice I made notes on how the team interacted while Jensen was breaking down from exhaustion, because he was too stubborn to apologize to me. And that pained me in a way I couldn't describe. He would rather puke his guts out than admit that he made a mistake. "Come on, boy. Move your ass and keep running!" came Edwards voice. Jensen was on the floor, vomiting out his last meal. He wasn't able to stand up, let alone run. The other boys were minding their own business, they had finished running some time ago and were now doing some other exercises. I bit my lip, contemplating. Should I go over and make sure he was okay? I wasn't keen on dealing with a douche like him, but my heart filled with sympathy at the sight of him. Besides he needed help and I was happy to offer some.
I grabbed a bottle of water and some tissues and walked over to him, tentative. I crouched in front of him and once his dry heaving ended I offered him the water. "Here."
He looked up at me and reached for the bottle I was handing him. Exhaustion and reluctance were fighting a battle in his eyes, but exhaustion seemingly won as he rinsed his mouth with water. I stood up and offered him my hand, but of course he didn't take it. Instead he swayed and stumbled before regaining his footing. Man's pride, I thought while rolling my eyes.
We were walking side by side-separated by a good one and a half feet-to the bench I had been sitting on for the last hour or so. Uncomfortable silence engulfed us until Edwards headed our way. "Jensen, what did I tell you? You don't stop running until you apologize!" The coach looked mad. And although Jensen did wrong by groping me and calling me names on the bus I felt bad for him.
"Sir, it's okay. He already apologized." I felt his stare burning through the side of my face.
"He did?" Edwards looked unconvinced.
"Yeah," I nodded and glanced over at Jensen.
It took him a second before he nodded. "Yeah."
Edwards nodded, still unconvinced and eyed me skeptically. "Okay, get yourself together then join us on the field, boy."
"Yes, coach."
My phone buzzed in my back pocket just as he left us alone. I pulled it out and looked at the text, eager to escape the silent torture that built between us once again.
I smiled.
"Why are you helping me?" I was ripped from Sam when Jensen spoke up.
"Er, what?"
"Why are you helping me? Why are you so freaking nice?"
"I don't know, I just... I am..," I cleared my throat. "I made a deal with the coach. It's my job," I answered.
He shook his head. "Did someone ever tell you that you make it really hard to hate you?"
Cold overcame my heart and traveled through my body. "You hate me?" I almost choked.
"I'm trying to."
"But why?"
He watched the others for a moment. "Ryan," he stated, glancing at me. And why does this not surprise me at all? "Are you really his bitch?" I cringed at the choice of his words. He didn't notice. "You don't seem like somebody he would fuck with." Er.... what?!
"Thanks?" I've never heard such crass words in my life ever before.
"No, really, you are too nice to be his type."
"Yeah, well," I said, shifting uncomfortably in my seat, "that's because we are just friends."
He nodded, unfazed. He seemed like he expected my response. "If you say so."
"What, are we not allowed to be friends?"
"No, it's just weird. He isn't the type to befriend girls."
I shrugged. "Are you done interrogating me?"
"Not quite, but because you'll hang around for a while I'd say we postpone our conversation." He stood up, winked at me and walked away.
I rolled my eyes. He wanted to know if the rumors were true? Well, I guess I should be happy he didn't trust the gossip going around school. I sighed and took a look at my phone. Today would be nice, but I already had something planned.
I needed to have a little chat with my friends, because there were things that made a hell of a lot more sense after today. I headed over to the coach, he was standing close to the field, watching the team. "Sorry to interrupt, but could you tell Logan, Ryan, Jeremy, Tony, Jack, Liam and Drake to stay here after practice? I need to talk to them."
"You already found a weakness in this team?"
I nodded.
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"Alright, guys, I wanted you to stay, because I have to tell you something important." They were lined up before me while I was walking along a white line in front of them. "Earlier the coach asked me if I found a weakness in this team yet. And I did." I came to a halt and looked at them. "And that's me."
Several of my friends were about to say something, but I stopped them. "I need to apologize." I glanced at Ryan. "To all of you. I'm sick of fighting and I clearly exaggerated on Sunday. I know that you guys care about me and I'm grateful that you are looking out for me. But let's just stop."
I looked at Logan. "Let's stop keeping things from each other. I think every single one of us has some secrets or some problems that neither of us is ready to share with each other. And that's okay, I totally get it. But things that have something to do with one of us needs to be talked about. It was my right to know about that bet, it had something to do with me.
"Because that's another point I can add to the list why people hate me. Slowly, every thing starts to make sense." When the word hate left my lips pain overcame me.
Liam raised his hand. A laugh escaped my lips. "Liam you can talk, you don't need permission."
He shot me a lopsided grin before getting serious again. "That's the reason we didn't tell you. With the whole video thing going on we didn't want to make you feel worse."
"Guys, the people don't hate me because they don't like me. They hate me, because we are friends. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, that's the last thing I want, I'm just stating the truth." I was starting to pace again. "They hate me, because they think that I'm and I quote Jensen here "your bitch"," I said, glancing side ways at Ryan.
"They hate me, because they saw the video of Jensen and I. And they hate me, because they think that I'm playing hard to get. People think that that's the reason why that bet hasn't come to an end yet which it will never reach," I said, my voice stern. "And they think that's why I was so reluctant towards Jensen. All of this, my refusal and my not wanting a fling, seems to be, because I'm playing hard to get. I mean,..." A laugh bubbled up deep inside of me. Not something joyful, but something that frightened even myself.
"Liz?"
"I mean, obviously! Duh! How can you not get it? I'm obviously just a whore who wants aaaaaall the attention she can get." I laughed a full belly laugh.
"Liz?"
I laughed so hard I had to bend over. "No." I didn't even know which words came out of my mouth between my laughs. "I'm just a girl who can't get a hint." My emotions were all over the place. I fell to my knees, holding my stomach while laughing. They came rushing towards me. "I mean." Laugh. "I mean, I'm trying to help every one in a world were every one hates me." Laugh. "How can I not get a hint?"
I was laughing so hard tears escaped my eyes. Or maybe the tears I cried came from the pain I felt? I didn't know at the moment. Everything felt blurry and I didn't know what was up and what was down anymore I just knew that I was there. Something hard collided with my back or did my back collide with something hard? I wasn't sure, but I think I was lying on the ground. There were murmurs and other things heard over my laughs or was I sobbing and not laughing anymore?
I couldn't tell.
Someone laid down beside me. Someone asked me if I wanted to talk about stuff. Someone took my hand. Someone called me Bee. Someone was alone with me. Someone gave me silence.
I needed that someone at the moment.
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Hey guys
So, this chapter is not one of my best, mainly because it's not properly edited. I don't know why, but this was one heck to edit. I'll hopefully be able to actually edit it some time in the future.
But anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading nonetheless. As always tell me what you think about Liz, Ryan, Sam, Logan, the team, the coach, anything really.
Also, how did you like Part 2, which I posted a few days ago?
I love all of you to the moon and back.
Please vote\ comment?
Hugs and kisses
Kathy