It'd be easy to say I knew, it'd be easy to say I always felt something there, but the truth is, I didn't. I want to hate myself for not realizing sooner, for being so wrapped up in a new relationship that I couldn't see what was right there before my eyes, but I can't. I can't feel guilty, I can't hate myself, because I can't wipe the smile from my face.
After hours of talking like the old times, like the true old times, I had to leave. I had ten missed calls from the kids and Jamie's birthday had inevitably slipped from my mind.
I walk through the house with a new spring in my step, with a skip, with a jump, with every happy emotion a man can feel at once. I whistle a beat of a song, I sing some lyrics that don't make sense, I meet the eyes of my startled children without paying attention to their annoyance.
"Where have you been?" Jade is the first to fold her arms. "We've been calling you."
"I got held up." I say, still smiling, making them narrow their eyes.
Jessie works it out, she looks harder than the other two. "At the drug store?"
Okay, maybe not.
"No," I chirp, searching the fridge for what I need, I bring out the bottle swinging it sideways so they can see. "Whose up for some champagne?"
They exchange looks with each other, making me straighten. "What?"
"Something's different," Jade says. "You're. . . smiley."
"Very smiley," Jamie winces. "It's weird."
"Can't your Dad be smiley on his son's twentieth?" I say. "I remember when you were five and throwing cereal bowls all over the place. Now, fifteen years later, my son is a man. My daughters are women, and I did that."
I grab some champagne glasses from the cupboard and I wiggle myself in between Jessie and Jade at the table.
"Dad," Jade whispers. "I have to be going soon."
"Me too," Jessie says. "Lincoln's working late and I need to feed the dogs."
"Well aren't your sisters fun?" I laugh to Jamie, pouring them all a glass anyway. "Just one won't hurt."
"One," the twins say at the same time, grabbing their glass.
"A toast," I say loudly, making them halt their glass at their lips. I bring mine into the middle of the air. "To family."
"To family," they say and we all clink our glasses.
There's a slight silence that follows as they drink quietly, each of them remembering that ghost at the table, each of them wishing she was here to share it. When they were old enough to fully understand how she died and why she died, they bombarded me with questions. They wanted to know her, because they couldn't remember her. They wanted to know about how we met: our first date, our first argument, what music we danced to, her worst personality qualities (to which I replied labor) and her best personality qualities, to which I replied everything but labor. They found it funny, thankfully, and not a looming darkness because of her second labor. I've always shown them picture books and photographs, but every time they looked at them again, it's like they were looking for the first time. After the very first discussion about her death, I told them about the compensation money I had deposited into separate saving accounts for each of them. They just nodded. Any other teenager would have been jumping to the roof that they had over twenty five grand in the bank, but that was the moment I realized I had raised them well.
Jade used to it for college and travel expenses, including a deposit on a posh flat in Washington. She was the first to leave home. Jessie used some of it for beauty school, then dropped out and opened up her own salon and bought her own house with Lincoln, who she had been dating since she was sixteen. And Jamie is still figuring it all out.
As he sits across from me, with a numb look on his face, I pay attention to his eyes. He inherited her blue eyes, while the girls took my hazel brown. It was those eyes that made me snap out of it twenty years ago, when he was just a baby, when he opened them and glanced up at me in his tiny crib. I poked my finger into his hand and he squeezed it. Just a squeeze. And all the anger I had inside faded away.
All my children are insanely good looking. They have her looks, her dark brown hair, her curved bone structure, even her mannerisms. But they got their brains from me, something I'm proud of.
"What?" Jamie says, noticing my longing stare.
"Nothing," I say back. "I'm just glad you're all here."
"You can always visit me," Jade whispers, bashing my shoulder. "I mean, as long as you're okay with hearing about the universe twenty-four-seven."
"Sometimes longer." Jessie chuckles.
Jade takes a breath. "Well there's this new discovery in the-"
"Stop," Jamie orders. "Now."
Jade laughs, pushing strands of her shiny, brown hair behind her ear. "It's good to be home."
"We should do this more often," Jessie says. "Are we still going for dinner Saturday?"
"Dinner?" Jade gasps.
"Yeah at the restaurant." Jessie tells her.
"Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"Because you're always a million miles away." Jamie says.
"Literally." Jessie says, rolling her eyes toward the ceiling.
"I am not that busy. Saturday, well. . . I have plans, but, I can cancel them. Sure thing. Hopefully. Yes, yes I'll be there. Let me make a note of it." She takes out her phone and starts twiddling her thumbs against it at supersonic speed like she's on drugs. "Okay, I check this notepad every day, so I won't forget. What time?"
"Seven." I say.
"The whole family is coming." Jamie says.
"Ah, seriously?" Jade groans. "Like who?"
"The family," he says, staring at her. "Grandma and Granddad, Rosie, Davina. Bailey, Trisha and the others."
"Holy shit," Jade whispers. "I haven't seen them since college. I'll be there, I promise, I promise."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," Jamie says with a frown, he pushes his chair backwards and approaches the doorway.
"Jamie?" Jade calls.
He ignores her and exits the kitchen.
Jade turns to us in a panic. "What did I do? What did I say?"
"It's not you," I say, patting her shoulder. "It's just today. He's never really found it to be a happy occasion."
"None of us have ever found it to be a happy occasion, but we still act like it is. For him."
"Yeah, but it's different for Jamie," Jessie whispers. "In the back of his mind he believes he's the reason that Mum isn't here. And he thinks we think that too."
"That's ridiculous!" Jade exclaims. "In no way shape or form have I ever blamed him."
"You don't need to blame him," she says. "It kind of speaks for itself."
"That's enough," I say. "The only thing that bothers Jamie is that he never knew her. Even though you both were three, you still have some memories."
"Do we?" Jade mumbles. "Because I remember as much as him."
"I suppose it was inevitable that we'd forget," Jessie says sadly. "But I think about her everyday."
"As do I." Jade agrees.
I take a sip of the champagne glass and a rush of heat curses through me. If only they knew what I know, if only they could see what I now see. I smile to myself privately, but it doesn't escape Jessie's attention.
"What is wrong with you today?" she demands.
"Hmm?"
"First you ditch us, then you disappear for hours and you keep smiling like an idiot." Jessie says.
Jade observes my face. "Yeah, there's. . . something."
"Are you seeing someone?" Jessie gasps.
"It's complicated," I tell them. "Very complicated."
"Well whatever it is, keep doing it," Jessie smiles. "Because I've missed that sparkle in your eye."
I laugh. "It's that obvious?"
"You deserve to be happy Dad," Jade says. "Truly happy. After everything you've been through. Don't waste your life. You only have it once."
I smile further, patting both my girls on the shoulder and rising to my feet. "I love you, you know that don't you?"
They glance up at me nodding.
I walk around the table. "Good. Because there's something you should know."