"What's bothering you?"
"Hm? Nothing."
"You know, nothing is suppose to mean nothing, but when people say nothing is bothering them - it means everything. Ironic. What's wrong?" I asked again.
"I'm just tired," he said.
"Biggest lie everyone tells. Tell me. You know you can."
"I know I can," Lafayette sighed. "It's just one of those days I guess. I was born having things wrong with me."
"So was Abe Lincoln. He was just born sad, like you. And people say he's gay, but I don't know about that. Kind of like you. Also, he was a lawyer and the president and helped lots and lots of people. Maybe he figured if he did all that then he'd feel better about himself, too."
He smiled tiredly at me. He looked tired, but his worries were tiring him. "Sometimes I feel like I don't love you enough," he said quietly, almost to himself.
"Well, I feel loved enough. I'm overwhelmed with your love."
He kept that small smile on his lips, looking at me. He sighed and leaned back. "You know I'm really not a good person."
"Of course you are. You've helped more people than anyone who has ever walked on this planet."
"Only because I wanted to benefit myself. I wasn't acting altruistically."
"It's called psychological egoism. Every human being does everything for their own self-interest, it's just that they might be interested in helping people to gain pleasure. Elementary ethics my dear."
He gave me a look, waiting for an explanation.
"I took an ethics class in college. I failed. It was much harder than what I thought it was going to be, but I do remember psychological egoism."
He smiled at me, looking more relaxed, making me relax, too.
Things were going as perfect as possible. Lafayette had done it all. His schools were a success. His international companies were booming, making more money for him and helping the other countries. Him and his family got along more. He paid for their vacations generously, as an early Christmas present. His underground, shady business was out of sight. Then Marcus was doing great, having gone on a few dates with Daniel. Lafayette and I were constantly together and I can't even begin to describe all the sex we had. He always wanted to have sex. I don't know how he could do it so often. Sometimes I had to cut him off because I couldn't do it again.
Thanksgiving time rolled around and Lafayette was going to join my family and I again. We woke up on Thanksgiving at around nine or ten. We showered, ate a small breakfast, and put on the new line of winter clothing he had. Him in a sweater and jeans, me in tight maroon pants and a V-neck sweater. He had prepared delicious, cream cheese brownies last night that I so badly wanted to stuff my face with. My boyfriend was an amazing cook. Saying that was such a turn on.
We drove to my parents' house and greeted everyone there. It was nice to think about how last year, when Lafayette joined us for Thanksgiving, everyone was saying how we should get together. I just rolled my eyes back then, but now look at us. We're together. It was just so lovely to have him there and join the family. It made me think about the future, and sometimes I was afraid to think about it because I felt that maybe I was thinking too far ahead. I was quite the daydreamer after all. Though I knew he didn't care if I thought about it because he thought about it, too. He'd think about our family and the house and everything. Sometimes I felt he wanted to just rush into it all now, but we both knew taking our time was best.
"Are you okay?" I asked him, sitting on the couch. He just didn't have that glow about him.
"I'm quite alright."
"You're a horrible liar."
"Actually I'm an amazing liar. You didn't know I was depressed for the longest time. The world doesn't know that. I'm very good at lying. I can easily lie to you, but I would feel so shitty about myself if I ever lie to you." He looked at me seriously. "And I am alright. I'm just fatigued and all I want to do is go and take a nap with you."
"Is there anything I can do to make things better?"
He half-smiled, saying, "Just be there."
I sort of got what Lafayette was saying. Sometimes people just feel low, for no reason. He was born like that, and although he's a lot better, he still has his days. Plus, it's getting colder, and S.A.D. might have something to do with it, because seasonal affective disorder makes people sad when the seasons change. Some days you just don't feel it. But after a while...I didn't believe that. Lafayette started to change a little. His attitude was becoming worse and he wasn't happy in the slightest. It started after December started.
I woke up one morning and he wasn't in bed with me like he usually was. I got up and showered, ate real quick, and then went into the office. He was sitting at his desk and he didn't greet me or anything. I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me, like he just realized I was there. I kissed him, and he seemed caught off guard, but returned to his old self, warming up and kissing me back. Only for a second. He pulled away and started to type again. "I need you to schedule an appointment with Harold for tomorrow."
"What time?"
"Four."
"Okay. Need anything else done?"
"Michael has what else you need to do today."
I scheduled his appointment and then Michael and I left to go and run his errands. I returned and Lafayette was gone until late that night. It was like that everyday after that. He just didn't talk to me as much or kiss me or smile. It was like when I first started working, but even worse because even back then he'd try to talk to me and smile. Now he just doesn't want to. After a few days of that, I confronted him on it. Thus, started the fighting.
"Lafayette, what's wrong with you?" I asked.
"I'm fine," he replied, not looking at me, still typing on his computer.
I pressed the power button, which made him look at me, annoyed, and waiting. "Why are you acting like this? You hardly talk to me. You hardly smile or kiss me or acknowledge me. Is this your way of breaking up with me or something? If you're dumping me then I'm not going to work for you! You're still sleeping with me and everything. Now I just feel like I'm being used for sex and work."
"Emerson, you're thinking too much," he said, standing and walking away from me. He grabbed his phone and ear plug, putting them in and making a phone call, putting his phone into his pocket.
"I'm not done with you, Faye."
"I'd appreciate it if you not call me Faye anymore."
"What do you want me to call you? A piece of shit? Because that's what you're acting like. God, what is it? Do you want to be with me or not? If you do then how about you start showing it? I thought you loved me and that I was the only thing that made you happy."
He sighed and turned away, looking out the window across the way. "I'm not going to answer your questions."
I threw my hands up and stormed into the flat.
We fought often. I didn't even bother going into the office and doing my work anymore. He never said anything, though. He was less of an ass when we were in the flat. He looked less annoyed, but more sad. The best time of day was at night because we still had sex. Sometimes I wouldn't want to sleep with him because I was mad at him, but he was so loving when we had sex. I couldn't resist. When he kissed me and held me and looked into my eyes I could still see the love.
It was a few days before Christmas when I woke up alone, like usual, and had a present waiting for me. It was sitting at the end of the bed, neatly wrapped, with a card sitting on the box. I first opened the present to reveal a beautiful winter coat. It was a dark purple with big buttons on the front. Super cute. Then I opened the card. It read:
"Sorry I've been such an ass lately. The company almost went under. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to worry you, but we're fine now. Love, Faye."
I smiled and tried the coat on. I was only wearing my shorts and it came to about the same length as them. It was a trench coat, so I buttoned it up and tied it. I went out into the office. Lafayette was sitting at his desk, and once he saw me he smiled, something I had missed seeing. He turned and pulled me onto his lap. "Morning," he greeted, kissing me.
"Morning," I replied.
"The coat looks great on you."
"Thank you," I said kissing him again.
He sighed and looked at me. "I hate to do this, Emmy, but I have to go to London."
"Why?" I asked, furrowing my brow.
"My grandfather passed away and he lives in London."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. I only met him a few times. I'm leaving later tonight and I'll be gone for a few days."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Maybe visit your family and friends. Think about me. Call me. We could easily have phone sex."
I laughed, kind of wanting to. "Okay." I sighed, too. "Are you gonna be back for Christmas?"
He looked at me with a sad smile, answering my question. "Unfortunately I won't be."
I pouted, and cried a little. I wanted my boyfriend to be with me at all times, but especially on Christmas.
"Don't cry. We have plenty more Christmases to spend together."
"I know, but I want you to be at every Christmas."
"You'll be fine." He scooped me into his arms and stood up, carrying me. "Let's take the day off okay?"
"Okay."
We basically only made love all day, before he had to go, to make up for the time he would be gone.
"I got you an early birthday present," I told him, smiling.
"And what is that?"
"Well, since you refuse to have a cellular device, I wasn't sure how to get it for you, but then I remembered you had an iPod. I got you a new app."
He walked over to his dresser where his iPod was at. He clicked it on and scrolled through his apps. "Snapchat?"
"I'm going to send you a lot of dick pics."
We both laughed, him walking back over to me. "You better send me a video of you in the tub."
"I will. You'll be getting a lot of stuff from me. I snap Alisha pictures of you all the time."
"I just thought you were taking random photos of me for your own use."
I laughed, shrugging. " Sometimes I do."
He looked over at me and crushed his lips against mine. "I need to get ready to go."
"I know."
He got dressed and only packed one bag. I gave him one last blow job before he left and then drove him to the airport. We said our goodbyes and I drove back to the flat. I packed a few pairs of clothes and decided I'd just go to my parents' house now. I drove there in Lafayette's corvette and trotted up to the door. I walked in shouting, "MOM! DAD! I'm home!"
"Okay! You don't have to yell!" Mom shouted back.
"I'll yell if I want to!" I tossed my bag onto the table in the dining room and went into the kitchen where Mom was making supper. I gave her a hug and stole some bacon.
"What're you doing here?" she asked.
"Lafayette had to go to a funeral in London so I came home early. He unfortunately won't be here for Christmas."
"That's too bad. Whose funeral?"
"His grandpa's. I think he passed away last night, so the funeral might not be until after Christmas." It was the 23rd, and I wasn't sure if funeral homes were open on Christmas or not. "He hardly knew his grandpa so he's pretty okay. Or he just might be saying that."
"Why would he just say that?"
"He doesn't like to make me worry or feel sad for him. It's kind of hard because I always worry and I always feel sad for him. He feels guilty a lot. Like last week we were at each others neck constantly because he was in a bad mood since the company almost went under and he felt really bad about being snappy."
Mom stopped her whisking and turned to me. "The company almost went under?" she asked.
"Yeah, apparently. He didn't tell me about it because he didn't want me to worry."
She crossed her arms, furrowing her brow. "Honey, the company didn't almost go under. If it did it would have been all over the news, the stock market would have been highly affected."
"Are you saying he lied to me?" I asked her.
"It sounds like it. But like you said - he just might not want you to worry and so he's not telling you what's really bothering him."
"So he might not even be at a funeral now..."
"Don't look too far into it."
"He's lying to me Mom."
"You don't know what's going on."
"Because he's lying to me," I said.
"Have you ever lied to him."
"No, I-" Have I? "Well, I pretended not to know about his depression for a while."
"Because you didn't want to end up hurting him," she said.
"So I've lied to him a few times."
"Don't be a bitch, Emerson."
I groaned. "But Mom, he knows he can tell me anything."
"Well maybe he can't in this situation."
I leaned against the counter, crossing my arms. I recalled his scandals, his underground crimes. Maybe he really couldn't tell me what was going on because it was a dangerous situation. Or maybe he did something and he's ashamed of it, like if it's a crime. I rolled my eyes. Mom was always right.
"Don't roll your eyes at me," Mom said.
"I'll roll my eyes if I want to."
"You are such a bitch," she mumbled.
"I get it from you."
She glared at me and whipped me with the towel.
"Mom! This is child abuse!"
"Go put your bag in your room already."
After eating supper and watching TV, I went up to my room and collapsed onto my bed. I pulled out my phone and tried calling Lafayette, but he didn't answer. I scrolled around on the Internet for a while, tweeting my followers to have happy holidays and then snapped a video to Lafayette of me saying how I missed him. Because I did miss him. I fell asleep soon after but luckily woke up to Lafayette calling me. Happily, I answered it.
"Hi," I greeted.
"Hey," he replied. "What're you doing?"
"I'm at my parents' house. I decided to come now. You woke me up."
"Sorry. You're not too tired for-"
"Yes. I'm too tired."
He chuckled. "Figures. How are you feeling?"
"Fine. Why?"
"Just wanting to know. Hey, can you look out your window for me?"
"Uh, okay. Why?"
"Just do it."
"Okay, I'm looking," I said, looking out the window.
"What do you see?"
"Uh, the usual. Parked cars. Houses. Am I looking for something in particular? Is someone stalking me?"
"No. Is it snowing?"
"Yeah."
"It's snowing here, too."
I smiled.
"I just figured if we both looked at the snow we wouldn't feel so far apart."
"You're so cute."
He chuckled. "I just want to see you again. Please realize I love you so much, Em."
"You know I know."
He sighed, and I could tell he wanted to say something, but he ended up not.
"I guess I'm not that tired."
"That's what I thought."
"I don't even know what to say. You're the one who's good at dirty talk."
He chuckled again. "You don't have to say anything audible."
"Good. My parents are in the other room. I have to be quiet."
"Is it past your bedtime? You shouldn't break the rules, Emerson. You really need to be punished for it."
"Sorry. I can get kind of naughty." I laughed, so bad at sounding sexy.
"Just stick your hand down your pants and let me do that talking. You just moan."
"I can do that."
Phone sex is fun. Lafayette is good at it, and even though he said he's never done it before he's still good at it. He was born to be sexy and he had sexy dirty talk. All I had to do was touch myself and listen to his kinky story. We said our goodnights and I quickly fell asleep. I woke up the next morning and wrapped a bunch of presents with Mom. I took a shower, snapping pictures of me to Lafayette, and then sat around. I couldn't stop thinking about Lafayette and him lying to me. I just didn't get it. Thinking about him, I knew it couldn't be anything bad. I knew him too well. He was probably afraid of telling me something, and once he told me I'd laugh and shake my head. He was afraid of losing me. Or, he could be lying and just wanting to protect me, but something tells me it's not that serious. He dropped his illegal doings. I stopped worrying about it, because it was Lafayette. With him, I knew he loved me dearly. He didn't want to hurt me the same way I never wanted to hurt him. My friends who were in relationships were sometimes worried that their partner didn't feel the same as them or something. The only thing I had to worry about was the fear that he would think I didn't love him, which was better than fearing him not loving me.
The next day was Christmas. I woke up and went downstairs where Mom had made brownies and Dad was helping her.
"I'm awake! Give me my presents."
"You got coal," Mom said.
"A lot of it," Dad said.
"Ha. Very funny. Let's open them."
"Alright, alright. Take these, dear." She handed the brownies to Dad and he took them into the living room, sitting down. "Oh, Em, your first gift is in the garage."
"You didn't get me a car did you? Lafayette already got me one," I said.
"Just go and look."
I sighed and went out to the car, expecting it to be some prank, but chirped in utter surprise when Lafayette was back there, in the middle of smoking a cigar. I smiled gleefully and ran into his arms. "What're you doing here?" I asked.
"He got cremated. Didn't last long at all. I got back a few hours ago, though. Came here, your parents were awake, they told me to wait in the garage once they heard you coming down."
"Are you tired? You can go to sleep."
"No, I'm fine. Let's go open presents. I brought a lot back for you."
"Surely you should know having you here today is the best present."
"I know, but why not make it better?"
I laughed, pulling him into the house. We sat in the living room and passed around presents, eating brownies. Lafayette bought me a lot of England-esque things and my parents bought me clothes and knickknacks because I loved them. We had a few hours before the rest of the family visited, and so Lafayette and I went upstairs because he hadn't slept in a while. He fell onto the bed, shoes and all, and gave a big sigh. I took his shoes and socks off for him, unbuttoning his shirt and putting it with my laundry. I took off his pants and climbed into bed. I pulled up the blanket and cuddled up to him.
"I'm so glad you're here," I told him.
"Me, too."
"Spending any holiday with you is wonderful."
"Spending any time with you is wonderful."
I giggled, looking into his sleepy hazel eyes. "Get some sleep."
"Stop talking to me."
"Fine."
"Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, dear."