As my eyes opened, squinting against the sun shining through the crack of my drapes, I realized two things. First was that my body was no longer in excruciating pain and the second that the house was quiet. Too quiet.
If I have learned anything in the last week since the Renegades descended on my home was that thirteen bikers were anything but quiet...and clean. Christ the mess one man can make, let alone a whole baker's dozen of them was astonishing. Would it really kill you to put the toilet seat down and not leave water marks on all of my side tables? Heathens I tell you...filthy, noisy heathens.
But as l laid their listening, trying to determine if the guys were still passed out or what a part of me really didn't give a fuck as long as the silence continued. Hell I forgot what it was like living with people and after this week I was never more thankful for that element. Being alone was comforting, the solitude was peaceful and the most important was that items were always where you placed them last. How hard was it to not loss the remote control?
Regardless of how much my house guests were driving me crazy a part of me did miss having guys like these around. They reminded me of my team and our own closeness, it is rare to see that type of loyalty and comradery outside the military. I got a small pang in my chest each time I watched the men joke around, their connection obvious. God I missed having that link and the pain of their loss still haunted me. Rubbing my hand over my chest I tried to push those types of thoughts away, they never did me any good.
Signing I got up testing my body to confirm happily that I was almost back to 100%. Maybe now Mac could chill out a little bit and stop hovering over me all the time. Smiling to myself I tried to deny that I hated it, but in a weird sort of way I liked how he fussed. So far that was all he did...and it was driving me fucking insane. The biker was far too sexy for his own good. Now that my body was back to health it was screaming at me to take the biker by the leather cut and toss him on my bed. But as I showered my mind shifted back that the horrible morning.
In a way he was right and I couldn't hate him for pointing it out. I was a robot, but I didn't know how else to be. I was who I was and I couldn't apologize for that. He wanted more and...I just didn't have it in me to give more, no matter how much I wished for it to be different. That part of me was destroyed a long time ago, it no longer existed in me. So I hid that emptiness with meaningless sex and for those brief moment I allowed myself to –feel. To remember what it was like to once have love and to return it.
But people like me don't ever get the happily ever after ending, not after everything I have done and seen. I was enough to have friends now, guys who I could relate to and who could somewhat relate to me. This was enough...it had to be enough.
As I made my way downstairs, I followed the sound of voices which all ceased the second I stepped into the kitchen. "Jules have a seat, Hawk made some homemade oatmeal, won't tell us where the hell he learned how but it is great." Mac held out a seat for me as a bowl was set down in front of me. Hawk went back to cleaning up as Mac and Tank took seats next to me. after a few bites I couldn't handle the silence anymore and cracked.
"What the hell is up with everyone? Where are the rest of the guys?" I asked between chews. I watched as Tank nervously looked away before glaring at Mac. Okay something was going on and I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not.
"Um...Hacker is in with Albert. Nothing on that front. Trigger is with him. Agent Timmons and the rest of the guys left about an hour ago. Said he couldn't waste resources with all of us sitting around." Mac gave me the rundown while I finished eating. I wasn't sure what the big deal was, Timmons was right. Until we figured out more Intel on Raptor it was a waste for all of us to just sit around and wait. Other things could be taken care of in the meantime. Did they expect me to be upset about this? I was a professional after all. If anyone knew the importance of getting stuff handled it was me, so there had to be something else.
"So the five of you remained for what? Stop pussy footing around and just tell me." I asked as I pushed the empty bowl away from me. Mac was right the oatmeal was good. Shifting between the three men I waited until one of them got the balls to finally speak up.
"It's Trigger. He has...questions that he wants answers to. Agent Timmons gave the okay but Albert..." Yeah Mac didn't need to continue. I knew how protective Albert could be when I came to me, hell he was the big brother I never had sometimes. So I knew whatever Trigger was asking had to do with that day. Sighing I rubbed my hands down my thighs before I stood up and nodded a thanks to Hawk for breakfast. It wasn't like I didn't know it would come to this, I guess denial was a powerful thing. Trigger and Ian were close and after learning what he did had the guy spinning. He read the proof but he needed more and it was stupid of me to think or wish otherwise. I have to say I was quite surprised he lasted a week before he started asking questions, maybe it was a lot to process and he was ready now.
The question that plagued me – was I?
Hacker and Trigger sat at the front console arguing with Albert, but my sidekick wasn't budging. I guess they didn't know it was pointless trying to convince Albert to do anything he didn't want to, the damn computer was just as stubborn as me.
And you can go to hell biker boys. I am not giving you what you want so fuck off!
You got to love a loyal computer. But Trigger wasn't going to let this go, not the Ethan I knew. No matter how many reports he read, classified or not, he needed to see it with his own eyes.
"Albert enough. Trigger are you sure you know what you are asking?" Wanting to see it and seeing it are two totally different things. And once you see something you can never un-see it, I didn't want him to have those memories forever. I waited as he briefly though it over before confirming his decision. Well it was his nightmares but I tried to warn him.
"Albert pull up the video. I don't need to tell everyone here that what you are about to see is confidential, you never saw this footage." Agreeing, the rest of the guys took seats as the grainy video popped up on the larger screen, center of the main wall. Not needing to see those images again I turned my back.
Major, movement at two o'clock.
At the sound of Santo's voice my heart began to race. Immediately I was taken right back there. The quietness of the village, my instinct telling me that something was off.
What the fuck are the SEALS doing here?
Major, its SEAL team 11. Richards says that this was a last minute recon job, he is not sure why they are here or for what. Andersen never gave them the details.
I should have known right then...but I hesitated and it cost me so many lives...gripping the chair beside me I tried to stop the images from flashing through my mind, I didn't need to turn around to see them.
Evacuate. Meet at the rendezvous spot and let's get the hell out of...
The sounds of explosions filled the room as a few of the guys cursed. I remember running, dodging concrete debris as it tumbled back to earth.
Eagle Base this is Major Barnes. Need back up. SEAL team 11 present. Village is blowing up around me. Do you copy?
Dammit Major what the hell is going on down there?
My men are MIA. Radio is silent. I have got buildings exploding, IEDs most likely, set before we got in position. SEALS just showed up with no clue why. Our mole knew we were coming.
Santos KIA, SEAL Richards KIA
Shit where the hell is everyone. Dammit Cooper and SEAL Rodriguez KIA. Shot to the back of the head. This fucker is executing them.
Maguire KIA, SEAL Lopez KIA
Goddammit Coronal where the hell is my backup. I have dead men everywhere.
Council KIA. Christ the buildings keep blowing the fuck up. Everything is rigged, I repeat everything is rigged. Do you copy?
Stanford, KIA he is hanging out of the building, crushed
We copy - PHOENIX, get the hell out of there do you hear me, that's an order, I repeat that is an order MAJOR. Get the fuck out of the hot zone and back will meet you at the secure location. Goddammit Major do not ignore me on this or I will have your ass.
The two SEALS... SEAL Peterson and Mendez KIA
Suddenly to the room went quiet. The sound of my heavy breathing was all you could hear.
Shit...I hear two men...Taliban maybe...speaking Arabic. Congratulating someone on their success on killing the Phoenix........Holy Shit....Coronel I have your mole........it's Ian.......Ian Andersen, Navy SEAL Commander Sir.
Phoenix.....are you sure.....
Affirmative Sir......preparing to take out targets
Dammit Major you need to evacuate.....we will get him later....
Negative Sir.....this ends now.....Christ I can't believe it is him......well for God and Country.....
Dammit Major NOOOOOOO.....
The sound of my rifle firing echoed in the room. I remember watching the two soldiers dropped like flies. But it wasn't enough to satisfy me then or now.
So you are still alive then? Such a shame.
That voice...I remember falling in love with the man who belonged to that voice. Pain sliced through me just as sharp as it to that day...the betrayal was damming.
And you are a fucking traitor. How could you Ian? Your own fucking country, your brothers...me?
Money and power. A shitload of both. I was tired of taking orders and never getting anywhere, this war is a fucking joke and we all know it. Plus these guys paid a pretty penny for a chance at taking down our military's best sniper.
Where the hell did your honor go? Your integrity? You are a goddamn Navy SEAL, the best of the best and you turn it all over for fucking MONEY! Is this really worth dying as a traitor for? Christ Ian you poor family...
SHUT UP! My family will never know! No one will!
Too late Ian. Command already knows. It's over, you're over...
That's what you think...
The speakers in the room shook as the explosion filled the screen. Dropping my head down I tried to stop the tears as they flooded my cheeks. I remembered how pain engulfed me, not only physically but emotionally. My husband and love just tried to blow me up, kill me for money. No amount of time could ever heal those types of wounds.
Dammit Major, do you copy...Christ don't you dare die on me Phoenix we need you. Major I demand that you copy.
H-here s-sir...t-the m-mole is down s-sir.
Shit hang on Major, back up is almost there. Goddammit where the hell are they.
Major! Medic over here. Christ her leg is still on fire...put that out and tie it off soldier. I need morphine injected into the thigh...IV is in let's get here the hell out of here. Major hang on we have you.
The voices of the rescue team were drowned out by the roar of the helicopter blades as I was lifted up into the giant machine and flown to base. The video finally cut off and the room remained silent behind me. The last thing I wanted was their pity and I knew that was what I would find. I have relived that day over in my head a million times over the years, trying to find a different outcome but no matter how I reworked it, my team still ended up dead. The SEAL's still ended up dead.
Arms circled my body as a head rested on my shoulder. Recognizing the tattoos I didn't push him off.
"I am sorry Phoenix...I can't...fuck I can't believe it. Ian loved you. He never stopped talking about you...I used to tease him about it. I never dreamed..."
"Ian...he was different those last few months, hell I knew it but never said anything. But I still loved him. What I had to do...was the hardest thing...I am truly sorry..."
"Don't ever be sorry for what you did. Not to me or anyone else. I am the one who is sorry. Fuck after the way I treated you...I deserved the ass beating you gave me. I don't know how to process all this yet but I do know that Ian is to blame...not you. Juliette you need to forgive yourself, let him go. His death is on him, not you. You need to live again, love again. Don't let that bastard win, let it go."
I tried to believe Ethan's words as he left the room, but I couldn't. There were just something's that you could never forget. How was I supposed to get over this? Ian destroyed me on so many fronts hell it was a miracle I functioned as well as I did. But Ethan was right, I was letting my past dictate my future.
But how did you let something like this go.