Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'--Erich Fromm
Chapter 29 - The Bucket List
Addy's POV:
The words I spoke to Liv still replay in my head. I can survive without Edward, but I can't live without him, and I want to live. I think of how much different I feel now than I did even at the beginning of the semester. I'm so much stronger now, and not because of Joel's constant reminders, but because Edward won't let me feel weak.
Helen is still in wedding planner mode, even though we start finals this week. She says she will tone it down until the weekend, because I'm a little snippy right now. I told her she hasn't even seen snippy, yet.
She put away the wedding stuff, and begins goofing off with Joel, talking about college and how they blew off steam during finals. I'm not sure how they both graduated, listening to what they used to do. Then, it hit me. That was part of the college experience that most people get to have or choose to have. Mine was quite different.
Two years of living with my brother, I was too emotionally hurt to date at first, and then I just didn't want to. Most of my free time was spent with Mason and his friend, because they lived so close. They were older, and not like the wilder students from my classes. Then...well I know what happened then...Connor. Suffice it to say, I didn't have a typical college experience.
"I can almost hear the wheels turning in that head of yours. What's wrong?" Helen asks me as she and Joel recover from story she had just finished.
"Nothing." She frowns as me, giving me a look that tells me to spill or else. "Just, I never..."
I didn't even finish the sentence, and the room goes deathly quite. For a moment no one says a word, letting the room fill with tension of my unspoken thoughts...I never got to do any of those things, because I didn't have a life.
"Well, by golly. We need to fix that." She goes to grab a small notebook, and hands me a pen. "Let's make a list. I'm sure Joel's up for doing some of this again...I am." She flashes me her mischievous smile, and begins talking about my pre-wedding bucket list.
This is not my attempt to live without Edward, this is me using his strength to live...I can do this.
Edward's POV:
I've been holding on for today. The last day of the term, and then a six-week break for her. She's been sleeping with few interruptions, but I now know what Joel and Helen went through a few weeks ago during midterms with her restlessness.
She has been a little short tempered. I know she's been giving it to me worse than she did them; it's the nature of any close relationship. It's also a test to see if I will leave, or at least that's Joel's theory, because she is constantly pushing me away.
He doesn't think she's aware of it, but she keeps picking little fights trying to get a rise out of me...and she does. Most of them end with humor, but it doesn't mean it's not wearing on me. Joel has taken her to the gym the last two days to blow off steam, and it seems to help.
Joel and Helen haven't been much better. The stress of finals is tough, even if you're a solid student. It doesn't help that I have a lot on my plate, too. There are a few changes happening at work that may affect me, or at least in the short-term...things that I'll have to talk with Addyson about in a few days.
"Edward, change of plans for tonight," Joel tells me as I answer the phone. "Where are you?"
"Just pulling out of the parking deck, headed to pick up Addyson."
"OK, good. You haven't made on Cantrell, yet."
"No."
"Addyson is waiting for you at Copper Grill. She's alone." He explains she had texted him. She had been trying to get in touch with me to leave a message, but her phone kept dropping the call. Part of our last fight was her venting that she feels crowded. She hasn't been alone in more than nine months. Hasn't done anything, but go to class, alone for over a year and a half. (Which was when she lived in Boston.)
I told her that being alone or not being alone has been her choice these past months. She's been enjoying the company of others and not really assessing what it has done to her independence. Considering how she was acting this past few days, Joel and I aren't convinced she is ready, and Holden agreed.
"What changed?"
"Your sister."
"Shit." If anyone is going to push her, it's going to be Helen. I turn at the next light making my way down 3rd Avenue to Copper's. I'm not worried anything is going to happen to her. I'm worried that she will not feel comfortable out in public, alone. Hell, she hasn't even been home alone, yet. Aren't there stages in which she should try something new?
I'm also worried that the stress of finals is not the best time to spread her wings. Some time between now and the wedding she's going to have to do this, it doesn't have to be today.
She's waiting outside the door of the restaurant, looking absolutely beautiful in a black dress and wrap. Her hair is pulled back away from her face and hangs in curls down her back. All I can think is 'lips to neck.'
"Hi," she smiles at me as I approach.
"You changed your mind." I say half wanting to yell, half wanting to kiss my stubborn fiancé.
"No, I just don't remember agreeing with you guys." She gives me a wicked smile, and I'm not even mad at her. She's ok. She's comfortable. "Are you mad?"
"No, I was worried this was too soon. Maybe you were doing this as a reaction to an argument." She looks so happy, with life, with herself.
She shrugs her shoulders and tilts her head, "No, I'm good. I've been here less than an hour. Our table is ready. Shall we?" She locks her fingers around my elbow and we enter the restaurant. She opens her wrap to reveal a black dress with like a silver and purple beaded collar - kind of looks like a necklace. Just the right amount of flashy for her. I let her know she looks beautiful, and she adjusts my tie and tells me the same thing.
She takes off her wrap and folds it neatly over her chair. I take in the full view of her black dress that emphasizes her amazing, curvy shape, and is open in the back. Her dress is not overtly sexy, it's more the body that's in the dress that makes it look so good. My eyes travel all of the wonderful skin I get to touch later, wondering if it feels as good as I remember.
As the waiter leaves to get our drinks and starters, she meets my eyes with an easy smile. "We have a lot to do over the next few weeks." I nod and tell her, "Yes we do."
"I thought we could talk over dinner, finish later when things arise." I let her know that sounds good, and she retrieves a piece of paper from her purse. Containing my laughter didn't happen; my girl came with a to-do list.
"Helen calls this my 'bucket list' of things to do before I get married." I laugh and go for the paper, but she holds it to her chest. "Mine." She flashes me that wicked smile again.
"I know that some of the things on this list are a little different for someone my age, but it's my list." She gives me a half smile, and looks pensive. "Some are things I've never done, some I haven't done in a very long time, so no judgment." Even though she doesn't said it in words, I know she wants to take back what was taken from her.
I agree 'no judgment' and she hands me the list, and her eyes never leaves mine. Scanning the paper, part of it broke my heart, but to think she wants to experience this before she's married makes me excited for her.
She pulls out her pen and crosses off three things, and hands to back. "I took care of these with Helen today."
10). Shop alone
17). Eat alone in a public place
23). Arrive somewhere unescorted
"Helen took me to the mall after my last test. I shopped by myself as she went to do her own thing." Her smile is infectious as I watch her talk. "I bought this. Sans Joel's input." Her eyebrows went up, and I quickly let her know she had done a great job.
"Eating alone in public?"
"It was just mall food, but I sat at a table and ate, watching people go by. I wasn't nervous. It was kind of fun." I love this girl. "I called a taxi to bring me here, tonight. Joel was gone, and he thought Helen was going to stay with me. Or I doubt he would have left. Helen offered to bring me, but I told her it was on the list, and she backed off."
"Why didn't you drive? Ask to borrow Helen's car?" I know Addyson doesn't own a vehicle.
"Look at my list." I scan the list; it's not that extensive, but I read each entry. Some of this has to be in code, because I really don't understand what it means, but... "You don't know how to drive?" She just shrugs her shoulders.
"I barely had my permit to drive before I graduated from high school, a downside of a late birthday, but I never really got a chance to practice or get my license. There hasn't been a need until now, and I really expected I would live in New York or Boston for - well, ever. Plans change, and I need to adapt." She reaches over and touches my hand. "Papa is going to teach me, again, and Joel is going to let me practice."
"How about me?"
"No, I have a few I need your help with, but I want to do some of this without you." Her eyes soften as she processed here words and how it sounded. "You know what I mean...Are you ok with that?"
"I am. Actually, I've very proud of you." I hand the list back to her and say, "Let me know what you need. You've got me."
---
"Do you trust me?" She asks with a hint of mischievousness. "Implicitly."
"Good, follow me." She says as we leave the restaurant, and we walk two blocks to the piano bar we had gone to this past summer. Holden and Jillian motion us over, letting us know Joel and Helen are on their way. Elliot comes over from the bar with a glass of wine of Addyson. "I wasn't sure what you wanted," he tells me, and I let him know I was ok for now.
Addyson removes her wrap, and my fingers enjoy the feel of her skin as I begin to make small circles on her back. She and Jillian are in deep whisper conversations as I catch up with Elliot. Shortly after Joel and Helen arrive, the whole place is crowded.
After a quick stern look from Joel, he embraces Addyson as she apologizes. He steps back to look her over, approving of her dress. I can hear him tell her she no longer needs him as he wipes away fake tears. He boasts that he's a proud daddy today...his little girl is all grown up.
Helen takes Addyson with the promise of returning her in a few minutes. As they leave I shake my head at the girls and their inability to go the bathroom alone. From across the room, I watch my very sexy fiancé stop and talk to people at a few tables.
The little black dress emphasis every sinful curve of her body. I quickly look around to see if anyone else is looking at her like that. Joel gives me a smirk that tells me he knows what I'm doing. My eyes go back to Addyson as Helen is busy introducing her to some people, but she is doing the same to my sister. She looks so at ease...so happy....so beautiful.
Addyson must feel my eyes on her, because when she turns around she pins me with a look that makes me catch my breath. After another stop, she and Helen make it back to our table. Addyson resumes her seat by my side, "Did you see some people you know?" She says yes and that she met some of Helen's classmates.
Helen weasels herself between Holden and Jillian and pulls Addyson into a conversation. The three girls are thick as thieves for a few minutes, ignoring pleas from Elliot to talk to him. I watch as paper and pen are being passed around. They must be putting in requests...Lord, help us all.
She's sitting a little too far away from me, but I do enjoy the view. As soon as she sits back a little, I pull her closer. "I love your idea," I whisper before nipping at her ear lobe. Letting her know this is a great way to enjoy the end of finals. "The night is still young," she replies with the same wicked smile as she had earlier.
"Thank you," she whispers as she draws me into a private conversation in this sea of people. "I know I was hard to live with this past week." The sincerity in her eyes keeps me from disagreeing with her. "And I appreciate your patience. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you." Her hand caresses my cheek on its way through my hair. "I love you, you know."
"Yeah, I know. I love you, too." My lips descend on her for a moment, and pull back again to kiss her forehead. "Remind me later to tell you in detail what that dress is doing for me." I find the unmistakable look of desire filling her eyes, when I sit back to look at her beautiful face. For a while we sit and she lets caress her skin as we talk to the others at our table.
She tells me she needs to have a word with Joel, and Elliot quickly changes places, moving Jillian closer to me so he could sit between Helen and her. He uses exaggerated motions putting his arms around both girls. "Oh, now that's more like it."
Holden catches my eye as he smiles at something Helen says. He looks happy for the first time in a long while, I guess the stress of being a detective was a lot to handle at first. It looks like he's starting to manage it better.
The music is more upbeat now, playing some sing a-long classics. I watch Addyson as she talks with Joel. Her worried look is soothed by him, but is only to be replaced with stern looks and nods. I'm not sure what they are talking about, but it has both of them tense. The people at our table aren't seeing what I see. They are busy drinking, singing, and having fun.
Twice he lifts her face to look at him, and he shakes off what ever it was that she says. This isn't a simple apology...it's more. If I wasn't secure in the knowledge that Addyson loves me, I would be jealous of the intensity of those two.
Holden comes back to the table with what he calls liquid courage and hands it to Addyson, as she continues her conversation. I watch as I see Joel's mouth form the words "I love you" before he kisses her forehead. This is the first time I've witnessed a kiss between them or exchange words of affection...but I know that's a different type of love than she shares with me.
Addyson's eyes flash with mischievousness again, and I watch Helen hang over the back of her chair, laughing.
"Addy, you're up." Helen says and Addyson leaves the table. She walks away and the pianist hands her the microphone.
"Good evening. I'm glad you could make it." I watch her look around the room. "Thank you for coming to celebrate the end of the semester with me and my friends." She motions over to our table. Helen and Joel raise a drink, and many other tilt their glasses toward them and cheer. She reaches over to the top of the piano, picking up a purple card and raising it high. "Remember before you leave to give this to your waitress."
There were a few cat whistles and screams of Addyson, Joel, and Helen's name. The pianist begins to tickle the keys, but Addyson doesn't put the microphone down. She looks straight at me, and then to Joel. "If you're here you know why." She nods toward me with a smile. "We survived our first semester." The room erupts in cheers.
"What you may not know is I have a list of things I need to do in the next three and half months. Number 3 is 'Make My Brother Proud' which is code for singing for an audience. Unfortunately, you've been drafted." She tries to meet a few people with a pointed look. There's laughter. "But I also have number 12: 'Flirt With Someone in Public.' Which I've done once, but it was fun, so I put it back on the list." The room laughs. 'Pick me' comes from a male voice across them room, but Addyson shakes her head toward him. "I have already selected my victim."
She gently clears her throat. "So, here's to two birds and one stone."
The pianist takes his clue and begins the introduction, as Addyson turns her attention to me. She saunters over to me and begins to sing. Touching me in a sweet, innocent flirty way, as her eyes dance around me.
I don't know what it is that makes me love you so...I only know I never want to let you go...'Cause you've started something...Oh, can't you see?
She extends her hand for me, and dances backward for to take a seat away from our table.
That ever since we met...You've had a hold on me...It happens to be true...I only want to be with you
She adds motions to feed the audience, having them clap along. She continues to stay close, touching me every once in a while, making eyes at me as she sings. I watch her sing, and listen to the clear, sweet, melodic sound of my fiancé. Between the sexy dress and flirty attitude, I'm totally hooked. I can hear Helen near me, with catcalls and whistles, but she's not alone in her approval. Most of the bar is still cheering her on, clapping and singing along.
You stopped and smiled at me...And asked if I'd care to dance...I fell into your open arms...And I didn't stand a chance
I stand and take her hand, letting her twirl under my arm, with great applause from our audience. By the time the song is over, I'm not sure who was flirting with whom. I just know I love this woman.
"Everybody. This is fiancé, Edward. Edward, everybody." She motions to the crowd. "Ok, the mike is open. Next." She holds the microphone up and a darker man gives her a swift hug, before starting up Stand By Me.
"You want to tell me what this was all about?" I ask as I pull her into my arms.
She looks over at Joel and Helen. "We invited everybody. This room is full of future doctors and pharmacists. I needed an audience that wouldn't run and hide. I may be a little braver, but I wasn't ready to do something like that in front of a room of total strangers." She smiles as she turns to the crowd, and then her eyes are back on me. "We couldn't decide between karaoke or this. Most of the ones in class preferred live music, so here we are."
"And everybody knew about this, but me?"
"Well, I was nervous enough as it was. I needed you to sit back and enjoy some public display of affection."
"I'll show you public display..." I take her by the nape and dip her low, with my mouth on hers slow and deep. "I love you."
Addy's POV:
I couldn't have asked for a better turn out. I'm still coming down from my high, as Edward drives us home. He was wonderful tonight...perfect. He met so many of my classmates and friends. He's heard Joel and me talk about our study groups, and he said he was glad to now have faces to go with the names.
"I love seeing you like this," he says as he takes my hand focusing my thoughts back on him.
"I had a lot of fun. Thank you for being such a great sport. I know I just dropped this on you, but I appreciate that you went along with it all." He looks at me, and I feel a wave of heat radiates from my center. I've never felt so sexy in my entire life. The look Edward gave me at dinner, when he thought I wasn't looking was only the beginning. Every time I caught his eye tonight, that look was there.
---
He closes and locks the bedroom door behind me, holding me at arms length. His jacket swiftly finds a home on my dressing chair as he pauses, looking me over. He's a beautiful man with a beautiful smile as he comes to me. His steps are smooth, and he circles my body, taking in every aspect like he is stalking his prey. "Did you dress like this for me tonight?" He asks as his eyes burn through me.
"I was hoping you would like it, yes." I don't tell him that I chose this with him in mind. To show how he makes me feel...beautiful...and now sexy.
"I don't like ... That's is too small of a word." I watch his throat as he tries to swallow. It's like I mesmerize him, and I feel so powerful. "You are so beautiful, you're almost unreal."
Neither of us wants to break this moment, but I can't stay away from him for long. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him to me as he folds me into his arms. Our lips meet in a slow erotic dance, letting our tongues acquaint themselves for the first time in what feels like hours. But no kiss before this has ever felt so adoring. The emotions pouring out of this sexy loving man makes tears build behind my eyes. The sting sends me into a whimper, and he takes an opportunity to deepen this bond.
I feel his fingers follow the lines of my back like he's committing it to memory. He growls as he kisses a trail to my ear. Instead of pulling away, Edward turns me in his arms, bringing my back to his front, as we look at each other through a mirror. His lips follow the curve of my neck, and he whispers in detail what he thinks about my dress, making sure to state it's not the dress but the confident woman wearing the dress that he finds so sexy.
He moves my hair to one side and continues on with kisses and whispers. The flutters of heat that emanate from my center have my eye glazing. I have never been so turned on, as I am watching this erotic scene before me.
His finger unhook the buttons on my nape and slowly slides his hands through and over my shoulder, letting my dress fall in a puddle on the floor. I watch his hands caress my body as he watches me. One hand on my ribs moving as it encompasses my bare breast, the other lower, splayed across my stomach.
"Inamorata, you have the most sensual, perfect body. I love to look at you..to touch you" He whispers in my ear and our eyes lock. My heartbeat races as I try to keep from panting. Watching his fingers begin at my shoulders and travel the line of my curves down to my hips. "One day, I'm going to worship this body like it deserves."
His resting hands are firm, sending flares of desire shooting through me. "One day my body is going to love yours as one, as a husband loves a wife." His eyes fall to his hands and slowly up to meet my eyes, again. "But, what I'm asking is to let me love you the way I can, until then."
His eyes are pleading with mine to answer. My voice whispers, "Yes," and Edward returns his lips to my body.
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Thanks, catbat for all your help.