My heart drops as Everliah's owl returns my letter, unopened, for the fifth time this week. I'd recognize my colour-changing ink anywhere. Mum would never. "I don't understand, Evy." I confide in my sister. "I thought all the colours would help decrease tensions. Why has she not even bothered to open them?"
"Mum doesn't think like you do. She sees the colour-changing ink as you not being serious." Everliah explains simply, blue eyes stuck in a book.
"But I am. My heart was in every word I wrote. I don't know what more I can do to fix this. What do you think?" I wait for a voice that doesn't come. "Ev, please! This is important!"
"Alright, alright." She calmly dog ears her place in the book before turning to face me. "You must admit the colour-changing ink was a little..."
"'A little' what?" I frown.
"You know..."
Stupid is what I know. She thinks I'm stupid just like everyone else. "Well what if you sent her a letter for me?" I beam. "Yes, that'd just be grand! She's still pleased with you for being prefect, isn't she? You could—"
"No, no way." Everliah opens her book back up, signifying the end to our conversation. "I won't get involved. This is not my problem."
My smile drops as my heart does. Is that what I am to her, a problem? "Oh. Right, right. Thanks for listening anyway." I stand abruptly, needing to make a quick getaway before I flood the place with my tears.
"Where are you going?"
"To pee!" I lie, making a mad dash out of the Great Hall.
I have always looked to my big sister for guidance. Her brain is big and beautiful and I'd bet it holds the secrets to the universe. But I realize now I'm on my own. She's right. My refusal to be who Mum expects me to be is not Everliah's burden to hold. I have tried all I could to impress our mother and nothing was ever enough. I am never enough.
You're okay. You're okay. You're okay.
Once in the quiet corridor, my back thuds against a wall that I slide down until my butt meets floor. I curl into a ball and shut my eyes to shield myself from the world. I'm safe in here. Nothing can touch me. I squeeze my eyes shut so tight I see floating blobs of colour. Red and purple and white and—
A gentle tap on my shoulder startles me into blinking up to see who's dared to break me away from my colours.
Sirius is staring down at me with so much concern it makes me shift uncomfortably. Curse you, Sirius Middle Name Black! "Are you okay?"
Oh no. Oh no no no NO! Not the one question that never fails to make me weep like a baby. Tears are already blurring my vision.
I hastily bury my head in my lap so he won't see and mutter the tiniest, most unconvincing "yes" of all time.
"Really? Because it looks to me like you're crying."
"I'm not." I protest weakly.
I wait a while, hoping he'll leave, but I can tell he hasn't because I feel his eyes burning a hole in my head. Finally, he says, "I won't tell anyone you are if that's what you're thinking. Or, ah, do you want me to tell someone...else?"
Like who? I haven't got anyone. Not really.
I make the most brilliant decision to pretend like he isn't standing there staring at me like some kind of creeper. Live in my delusions where everything is better. He's seen nothing.
At least that is my plan until he says my name. That's it. All it takes is my name on his lips. "I can't go home."
"What?"
I inhale deeply. "For Christmas break, I don't think I can handle going home. I just—I need more time." It's a piss-poor explanation at best, but it's what he gets.
Sirius surprises me by sliding to the floor with me, so close his leg is brushing up against mine. I shyly lift my head to look at him. He offers me a sympathetic smile. "Would it make you stop crying if I said I could stay with you?"
"At Hogwarts?" A warm flush creeps up my wet cheeks. Where else, idiot? "That's kind but you shouldn't do that for me."
"Much as I hate seeing your face all sad, it wouldn't only be for you." He hesitates a moment before adding, "I can't go home either."
Our eyes meet again and I think how wrong this feels. Home is supposed to be the one place where you feel safest. But if that's true then how come all I ever want to do when I'm there is escape?
"Hey!" James comes running down the hall. He's so obnoxiously loud it instantly makes me happier. He's panting hard as he reaches us. "I've been looking all over for you. What are you guys doing on the floor?"
I wipe underneath my eyes and hope they aren't cry-swollen. Though I do look quite cute when I cry, I don't want anyone else asking me questions. I worry my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to scrounge up a lie. Lucky I don't have to because Sirius stares directly at me as he saves my butt. "Our legs hurt from walking—the castle's bloody massive. We're so out of shape we had to stop to catch our breaths. Isn't that right, love?"
He said it all silly. I think it was only to make me laugh but I also think I may be starting to like that pet name. I nod my head and hide my smile behind my hair.
"Lazy sons of witches." James laughs at us. "Come on, Remus and Peter are already waiting in the Great Hall." He extends his hand to me. I take it and he hauls me up onto my feet. "Want a piggyback, Chiara?
"We're only going to the Great Hall, aren't we?" I tilt my head. "It's right there."
"Yeah," he shoves his glasses up his nose, blushing. "But your legs are tired, right?"
I exchange a secret look with Sirius. "Right!" I grin back at James now. "They totally are." James crouches so I can jump onto his back. He adjusts our position by bumping me further up.
"Ready?"
I nod my head before realizing he can't see me and voice, "Ready."
I break into laughter the moment James takes off running with me clinging tightly to him. I accidentally choke him at one point which only succeeds in cracking us up more. By the time we arrive at the Gryffindor table, I'm in much higher spirits.
I'm about to take my seat with the boys when I hear my name. I spin around. Lily and Marlene are waving me over a little ways down the table. I grin big and bright. People here want me around.
"Are you going to sit with them?" Peter asks with his mouth full, bringing my attention to him.
With all four boys eyes on me, I hesitate. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. "Well, the girls want me to go over there so I probably should? Unless you want me to stay? Not that I'm assuming you do or anything...Do you want me to stop talking? I won't take offence. Mum says I talk too much anyway. Should probably zip this thing shut, right?" I mime zipping my lips.
They all blink at me like I'm from another planet.
Remus smiles politely. "You can go sit with your dorm mates."
My shoulders drop, but I nod understanding since I word-vomited all over them. I wrecked everything.
"You'll be with us for lunch then, yeah?" Sirius asks.
"Dinner too," James adds.
I perk up. "Really?"
James rolls his eyes in this dramatic sort of way. "Obviously! Merlin, I asked you to be my best friend if you remember? Do you think I ask that of just anyone?"
My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. "You have me the whole rest of the day then. I promise." With that said, I skip off to the girls.
Lily scoots to the side to make room for me. I sit between her and Marlene and grab some buttered toast.
"We were just talking about Witch Weekly. Did you see the new style?" Marlene asks me, flipping in her magazine to her desired page. "Look at that! Foul, isn't it?"
I lean over the picture of a woman wearing some positively magical-looking robes. What's not to like? "I bet you could pull it off."
"Oh, Chiara, you flatterer." Marlene beams. "But really, what do you think of it? Too much, no?"
"I would wear it. Looks like something Merlin should wear if he was female." I explain, helping myself to more breakfast foods.
She inspects the photo more closely while shimmying to a song only she can hear. "You know, it might just be your influence but it's looking more attractive to me now."
Lily laughs into a mock gasp. "But when I said I liked it, you gave me such a judgemental stare!"
"In my humble defence, I hadn't eaten yet. I'm a bitch when I'm hungry." Marlene shrugs nonchalantly.
Across the table beside Dorcas, Alice snorts, "It's true. Yesterday morning, I asked her to pass the toothpaste and she barked at me. Literally barked."
We all five burst into giggles.
*
Sirius and I lock eyes down the table. He winks at me, which confuses me in loads of ways. Mostly because of how my body reacts. I feel growing hot all over. I do not blush. Ever. What is happening?
"And then I fully punched him in his ugly face! Dad saw and gave me a high five for it, but Mum was a whole other story. She gave me the biggest talking to, as if that will make me see reason. I punch my brothers all the time. They deserve it, Lily, don't look so prissy!" Marlene prattles on, unaware of my internal battle.
I don't like this. I force feed myself some chocolate. Yes, chocolate will fix me most surely.
I relax in place, hunching gratefully over the table. That is until He-Who-Most-Certainly-Does-Not-Make-Me-Blush taps me on my shoulder and succeeds in making me jump halfway into the air.
"Merlin," Sirius laughs. "I didn't mean to scare you, love."
I break into hives. Yeah, hives. That's what I'm going with. "You didn't." My pants should be on fire just about now.
"We're all four headed up to Gryffindor Tower to talk about the, ah, you know." He waggles his brows. "The thing you wanted to do. You coming?"
"Right!" I grin, jump to my feet. "Right, see you in class girls!"
And for some godforsaken reason my hand thinks it's a good idea to slip itself into Sirius's hand. I look down at them joined, cannot believe what I've just done. I square my shoulders and pretend to be confident in my decision by striding out dragging him after me.
"Alright?" he asks me once we've reached a quiet stretch of the school.
"I am now." I nod, resolute. "Thank you, also."
He shrugs. "I just don't like it when girls cry."
"Wasn't crying." I yank my hand from his.
He laughs and I do too. "No, of course you weren't. That's my mistake."
"Yes, it is." I grin.
I hesitate once arriving upon the steps to the boys dormitories. I bite my lip, for a moment forgetting all about my rebellious nature to think about the school regulations. Sirius shoves me forward, to which I return with a glare, leaving me with no choice but to proceed upwards.
Upon entering their shared room, I quickly take notice to how very similar it looks to my own. Only theirs is far messier and slightly more personalized to each of the boy's personalities.
At one corner of the room, posters of famous Quidditch players are hung up on the walls. That is undoubtably where James sleeps. Another corner is home to a countless number of books, all on the floor in neat piles. Set on the bed there is also some perfectly folded laundry. Remus is the only one of these boys who I'd deem accountable to folding his socks, so I take it that's his corner. The next is littered with chocolate and candy wrappers. Peter, I jot down mentally. Finally, I come upon the corner of the room that is a combination of everything. And by far the messiest corner of the room. Sirius is sitting on the bed there, so I conclude that's his.
The boys watch me carefully as my eyes dart around the room taking it all in. It's clear that they're slightly nervous, but a part of me can also sense the pride they hold for this place. The boys all wait patiently on a verdict.
They're almost acting as if I'm peering into their souls.
"I can tell you that your room is a lot more interesting than mine, that's for sure!" I smile brightly and they all puff out their chests at my review.
"SO ABOUT THE PRANK –" Peter says, far too loudly for anyone's liking.
James leaps toward the boy and smacks his hand over Peter's mouth to silence him. Sirius slams the door shut and Remus mutters a sound proofing charm on it.
"Peter!" Sirius bellows, "Want the whole bloody castle to know what we're planning, do you?!"
"Lay off him!" I scold and begin rubbing the mousy boy's back in a comforting manner. Peter blushes bright red at the contact and refuses to meet my gaze.
James breaks the tension by showing off his new Quidditch gear. I stop comforting Peter when my eyes get caught on a sort of shimmering blanket on James' bed. "What's that?" I ask him, pointing at the source of my distraction.
James stops talking and follows my finger. He turns back to me with mischief-glistened eyes. "Can you keep a secret?" He wiggles his eyebrows.
I know it's customary to say yes to a question like that. But me, being the overly blunt person that I am, respond with, "You know what? Never mind! Secrets have never been a forte of mine." I dramatically turn my head to gaze out the window.
James deflates sadly. A very baffled Sirius looks from me, to James, and then back to me. He rolls his eyes at us and says, "Oh just tell her, mate! Surely she can keep this one secret."
James straightens back up and resumes his beaming at me. "That there is an invisibility cloak."
My mouth drops open forming an o shape. "That is completely brilliant!" I squeal in excitement, "Let me see!"
James scrambles over to the cloak and wraps the silky blanket around my body. After one glance at my reflection in the mirror, I laugh uncontrollably. There's not much left of me to be seen, all but my mere floating head. And might I say, I look hilarious.
I pull the smooth material over my head and let out a stream of evil laughs when the boys spin about, feeling up the air.
Following what is probably hours of playing Find The Chiara, the game comes to an end – leaving me the victor having only been found once.
I jump into a seated position on Sirius' bed and bounce about happily, unaware of my dangerous proximity to the edge. My eyes widen in sudden realization that we've missed today's classes. Somewhere amidst my shock, I fall off the bed.
Sirius lifts me off the floor. Merlin bless my petite body, being carried is so easy this way. "Are you alright?" He asks, the others surrounding me in concern as well.
"We missed the first few classes of today." I say, though Remus and I appear to be the only ones to care. Remus starts nervously biting at his nails and muttering angrily at James and Sirius. I suppose he somehow placed the blame on them.
"I promised my dad I wouldn't miss a single class until after Christmas break at least. He says Mum's already pissed I wasn't sorted into Ravenclaw." I allow my body to go limp and I shut my eyes and stick out my tongue to add a little to my dramatics.
"She's – she's...dead." Sirius tries his best to hold back a laugh that threatens to escape him.
James and Remus don't seem to be so keen on holding back their amusement like Sirius is, as the two loudly bark out their laughter.
"Yes!" I sigh, completely overly dramatic. "She is very dead." I say.
I only open my eyes and jump out of Sirius' arms once he finally bursts into laughter with the rest of the boys. My eyebrows sew together. I concentrate on trying to recollect on what we came here for in the first place. "Boys!" I exclaim.
The room goes silent and they meet my eyes. "Remember what we were here for?" No one replies so I take that as my cue to continue, "To discuss and formulate our prank!" I remind them. "Well? Any ideas?"
James and Sirius exchange mischievous smiles. "Yes, we may have one. Mind you, it's a work in progress..." James says modestly rubbing the back of his neck.
"Hey now, no prank ideas are bad ideas." I rub my clammy palms together in excitement. "What is it?"
"Erm, you see, this can go one of two ways. I can either go into mega detail now or give you a shortened version. Or I can even act it out-"
James is abruptly cut off by Peter. "Merlin, James! Take forever, would you! I'll explain it. What we were thinking is...beards!"
"Really?" Sirius scoffs. "That's how you choose to end your explanation? Good lord, I'll explain!"
Sirius stares intently into my eyes and sucks in a dramatic breath. "We thought we could put a spell on everyone's breakfast one morning to make them grow really long beards, you know, Dumbledore style." A giggle escapes my lips at that comment and Sirius smirks triumphantly.
James continues, "The spell cannot be reversed for twenty-four hours. Of course, in order to not raise suspicion, we too will have to eat breakfast as we normally would and grow beards." The four boys grin proudly.
I nod my head at them with a smile of my own. "I love the idea. Though, we'll have to find a way into the kitchens." I pause, trying to wrap my head around our newfound plan. "And do you boys know the spell we need?"
We all turn to Remus.
"Tsk tsk, who do you think you're working with?" Remus slyly remarks, smirking. No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Remus Lupin smirked whilst discussing a prank.
"How long does it take to kick in?" Sirius asks.
"Two weeks." Remus says without missing a beat.
"Why so long?" Peter asks curiously.
"What am I, the magic man? I didn't create the spell."
I giggle. I adore this sassy side of Remus.
"That's what I wondered as well. The only answer I can come up with is that magic is a fickle thing." Remus says thoughtfully.
"Okay, Professor Lupin." Sirius snorts and Remus blushes, shrinking on his bed.
James pushes his glasses higher up on his nose and announces, "We'll need to start as soon as possible if we want to execute this before break."
"Where did you say you found this spell again?" I ask suspiciously.
"I didn't." Remus winks at me, his tone laced with an edge of mystery that I can't help but be proud of.