“And I am weary of the anguish,
Increasing winters bear;
Weary to watch the spirit languish,
Through years of dead despair.”
Stanzas - Bronte
Through the door way Tamar found herself on a small platform surrounding the giant trunk. A slat bridge linked her to the next platform of a tree in front and so on through the fields of the upper forest to other doors and canopy rooms like the night ball. Elior strode out to the middle of the bridge then turned as though caught by a thought. He took a deep breath and began.
“Now you have gained my trust I must entrust you with a confession I have long held, in the hope that it will set you free from here. I just hope I have not left it too long.” He sighed and gave up struggling to keep eye contact with her, wandering his way across to the platform as Tamar began to follow. “You must understand that I needed to know you were not truly Fallen when you came to us, that only intrigue had brought you. Others have come with your story and… well they came to make a fool of me. My intentions of saving them were mocked and my barbarism ended their rotten existence. I admit, I regret such acts, but where else have I to go if my true longings were revealed?” he stopped and stared at her across the little bridge. Exhaling a defeated breath he took a seat on the wooden veranda, legs dangling over the edge. Tamar walked over to him but did not sit down; she merely folded her arms and leaned on the rough bark of the trunk.
“You don’t want to be in Ebony Lands?” She asked, “Why don’t you just leave?”
“It is not so simple.”
“But you say how easily I came to find you; can’t you leave the same way? I could help you if you wanted?” she wasn’t quite sure what she meant by this but his unhappiness unsettled her.
“I said I trust you, but not so implicitly that I could always trust myself with you. It is your truth that saves you from me, from this place, not mine. You could never move me from here.”
“I don’t understand.” she confessed. “So if I was pretending to be a Fallen to try out the Ebony Lands you would be pleased? And encourage me to leave?”
“For want of another word, yes. But if you are truly Fallen then my confession of this will only risk your life. I cannot afford for any Fallen to know. I have built a life here, more a mangled existence, but a life all the same. I am too damaged for Radiance. It is beyond all capability, however, I hope for you it is not.” He said, pleading.
“You always knew I only had two choices? Return to Radiance, or die at your hand?” Tamar wanted to be afraid, wanted to run, wanted to shout at him for his selfishness but somehow she just wanted to help him, no matter the cost.
“Yes.” He answered, rigid at her bluntness. “But I have prayed from the moment I lifted you off of the floor that it not be the latter. Please, listen to me?” It was a request, not a demand. She softened her features and let him know he held her attention, sitting cross-legged on the floor.
“I was not intended for these lands Tamar. My birth place is among the Clarity People of the Radiance Lands. I lived with my mother, father and twin brother. We were happy. My brother and I played endlessly, causing the kinds of mischief only children can.” he smiled as his tale unfolded, then once again his expression grew hard. “But when I was merely six summers old my father, Fyodor, grew restless. He was seduced by the ways of the Fallens. Upon abandoning my mother he announced he couldn’t bear to lose his boys…” an ugly sneer marred Elior’s face, “…so as children, we clung to our mothers legs and cried as he pulled at our arms to drag us away. Our mother was helpless against his strength, as were we. My grip was the first to slip, thus, he took me. I kicked and screamed for three days until his beatings taught me better. He was not the man I once knew, that man was not my father.” Elior stared down at the floor, the memories clearly swimming before him.
Tamar shuffled nervously. She could never have guessed this from a man so feared - but it made sense now. Quietly she rose and walked over, placing her hand on his shoulder as she sat at his side, he didn’t move.
“She never came for you? Your mother?” Tamar asked, already knowing the answer.
“No.” He confirmed. “I never heard from her again, or my brother.” “My father was killed in a brawl when I was but eleven. He was of no importance here, disposable like the rest. And I thought - I thought she may have come to me then, but how would she have known he was dead? But more likely - she no longer wanted me. She had one son. After such a time how could I not be contaminated by this hole?” Every word he spoke reeked of bitterness. “I am sure, had my father not been foolish enough to get himself killed, eventually I would have done the deed myself. Violence earned me respect and fear - and it was his fault I ever needed it. This is why I can encourage no one to stay here. This is not my home, but it is all I have now. Those who call themselves Fallens are too late for me to beg, I would endanger myself. But you and those like you, still have a choice.
“I knew the day you came what the hope for your fate would be by the Fallens. They have witnessed other wanderers follow me here and never again did they see the light of day. There was a young Remmus, naïve in appearance, who told me her story of running away from home to look for her mother in the Ebony Lands. She followed me here, just like you. At the time her glow was no more than a tint. The Gateway never knew her full story but she was also interrogated by Bynethrin. I tried to keep her away from them to figure her out but she ran straight to them. Quickly I saw the need to tell her my secret in order to help her get out. However, it was too late. She laughed in my face. Her heart had been Ebony since her arrival here. The glee in her discovery made her send light in every direction as she danced around my room, cackling. She said we should go together to the Gateway to tell everyone my truth. Before I allowed myself sympathy I stole her last breath and abandoned her body outside my door.” He stared blankly at the swaying leaves before him.
Tamar sat there, lost. He wanted her to leave, but for her own good, not his. He’d killed before and very suddenly that fact became real. This wasn’t a game. She shivered and he looked at her concerned.
“I’m fine.” she reassured. “Just… fine.”
“You’re different from the rest Tamar. Please, please prove that. Leave.”
How had she let it come this far?
The revellers were still dancing as Tamar crossed the room. Intoxicated smoke woman danced without inhibition, encouraging others to join them. She managed to dodge most advances, but was caught in sweaty embraces a few times. Deep laughs mocked her helplessness and rebounded around the room. She wriggled free, trying to smile it off instead of cry with embarrassment. They were laughing at her, at Elior, she knew that now. They only wanted her for amusement.
The staircase was deserted as she descended underground. Once back in her room she quickly changed and fled the hollow tree. Two voices shrieked as she had stormed up the stairs.
The Entry was empty as she ran out of the wide gate and straight ahead for the river, the creatures all dancing through the night above.
As she scurried up the lane past the still glowing lanterns Evalynis came to the door of the quaint cottage and flung her arms around Tamar.
“I have been so worried about you!” she confessed.
“I’m sorry Evalynis, I really am. But I had to go, I had to see it.” Tamar apologised.
“It’s alright just come inside.” Evalynis ushered. She sat Tamar down in the kitchen and went to boil water. “I knew you would be curious I just did not know how much. I assumed you may want a look near the Ebony Sept but I never imagined you would just go without a guide. I hoped you had simply gone home, yet secretly I wished you to come back to us. Abednego was furious and terrified for you. We didn’t know what to do!” She took a calming breath to steady herself and her train of thought. “Abednego went looking for you, he will be relieved to know you are home to us safely.” said Evalynis as she poured two rose scented drinks.
“But I have to go back!” Tamar announced unable to stop herself.
“What!” Evalynis jumped with shock and knocked the mug off of the table, smashing china pieces across the floor mixed with the sweet pink liquid.
“I needed to talk to you, to ask you a favour. There is a man of this land trapped in the Ebony Sept, believing he can’t return here! I want to bring him home but he will have nowhere to stay. You were right about the Fallens, they are cruel and have nothing worth living for but he’s not like them! He entrusted me with his secrets that I can’t betray but he really belongs here, I know he does. I just need to convince him you’ll welcome him and I’m sure he’ll leave. I’ll figure out how to do it so you can save others from there. I know I can get him through the gate...” Tamar spilled out her mass of thoughts since the moment she had left Elior in the trees.
“Tamar you cannot be serious. It is not in your will to do such things. You were in great danger there! Does he know who you are? This could be a ploy to draw you back with others!” Evalynis paced the room, twirling curls of emerald hair around her fingers in worry.
“He doesn’t know Evalynis. I didn’t want to put any of you in danger, although in telling him I was an Innocent I may have gained his trust faster-”
“You mustn’t!” Evalynis gasped.
“- but even if I did, he’s on our - I mean - your side. I need to go back and get him, tell him I have spoken to the Radiance people and I won’t leave until he comes back with me.” She got up from the table.
“You mustn’t go yet, please.” Evalynis begged. “Abednego has been out all night in search of you. Let him see you first, maybe he can talk this through with you better than I.”
“I want to share the Radiance peoples love with someone who needs it. You know he won’t allow me to return Ev.” And at the nickname that her brother usually spoke Evalynis knew Tamar was right.
“But... but, the Noble, Tamar. They are His laws of transfer, of understanding. How do you know it is the right thing to do? None of us posses the knowledge of who will be saved from there. You know so little of our world and us of yours.”
“Because everyone deserves the choice of redemption.” Tamar stated. She wasn’t sure where that had come from but she knew it was what Elior needed. He could start over here; forget the life he was subjected to. Evalynis must see that. Tamar smiled a little as a picture of Elior on his knees in the dirt helping modest old Duke plant his bulbs popped into her head. She sat down again, suddenly exhausted. “Could I have something to eat before I go? I’m starving...” she tried a little smile at Evalynis. She looked glad to stall Tamar and busied herself about the kitchen. “But if Abednego’s not back when we’re finished I just have to go. This can’t wait much longer.”
They talked in hurried sentences as they ate. Evalynis asked for every detail of Tamar’s encounter with the Fallens. She was alarmed by the crudeness in which they had spoken to Tamar and thankful that she had got away unscathed. The biggest concern to Evalynis appeared to be Elior himself, he was clearly dangerous as his person was well known even to the Clarities for his violence.
“I suppose I must trust your judgement on such matters Tamar because of whom you are but I cannot help but feel you still naive to the situation. It is a great sadness when a Clarity Falls.
“I heard of a boy who Fell when I was small.” Evalynis confessed. “He was older than me but they say you are never too young to be torn from the Truth. I vaguely remember Mother saying she comforted his mother at the loss but we never met her she as too traumatised to leave the house at the time. I never knew the details. It was said that he was truly Fallen and that even if he survived the Ebony Sept through childhood he would never return.” She bit her lip in concentration while her eyes saw memories from years long gone. “He used to play with Abednego if I remember well. A sweet boy, or maybe that was his brother? I was too young to understand. You would be best to ask Abednego.” Tamar was still through this remembrance; it could have been Elior, very possibly. Yet she had no choice but to keep the better part of the story to herself, she had promised him that. Was it possible Elior’s family still resided here in the Sept? But perhaps after such loss they would have moved away to another village. She wanted to confide everything in Evalynis but couldn’t bring herself to. She wanted to ask about the mother and brother, where were they? Were the boys the same age? Twins? But Evalynis didn’t seem the type to skim over details if she knew them.
“But all the same, Tamar, because this stranger tells you he should be here does not mean you can trust him, his story could be a lie with great coincidence. People Fall from our sight all too frequently, particular lost ones merely stand out more than others. The Ebony Sept is like a drug to those who taste it once, they always want more, and then they are gone.”
Tamar couldn’t help but defend him.
“I know I don’t know him well but I just trust him alright!” She said, annoyed at being contradicted by the quantity of incidents Evalynis had to judge by to the quality time she herself had spent with him.
“Yes, but you must see my side Tamar. You have sworn not to tell me his truths and all I know of his character is anything but Clarity. I am sorry I sound of little faith but I find it hard to believe his heart could be moved. Are you sure he has not induced these feelings in you to use you? He is Fallen.” Evalynis asked with all gentility.
“I’m sure.” Tamar confirmed. Eloir was true to his word, she just knew it. Why else would he have let her go? “I need to go now; Abednego will have to deal with it.” Tamar said, feeling guilty and childish for worrying Evalynis so. “I won’t be too long, just let me win him round, he trusts me. I need to bring Elior here where he belongs and then I will go home. Like you said, I’m the Innocent, the normal rules don’t apply.”
Evalynis folded her hands in her lap and nodded. She knew she couldn’t persuade Tamar to stay. They got up and walked down to the narrow gateway together. As they parted Evalynis squeezed Tamar’s hand and said “Stay safe Tamar and go unnoticed. We cannot lose you to them.”
Tamar was swift in leaving the Radiance Sept, the last thing she needed was more misunderstanding locals trying to convince her to stay. Once out of the town her eyes began to adjust again to the darkness of the night. The shady moon was covered in wispy cloud above her and the stars were struggling to glisten through their heaviness.
Could she really do this? In hindsight she knew so little but it meant so much to her. It meant more than she really cared to divulge even to herself. She couldn’t leave Elior like this. It was like she’d been given an opportunity to help someone and she refused to let this gift pass her by. Nothing so important had ever been her decision. The Noble had set the laws of transfer but where was he now? And everything Tamar knew directed to the assumption that she was someone exceptional to this world, so why not push for the extraordinary? Rationalizing had never been her strong point before but this decision seemed to come easily. If she’d dreamt appearing here she would have woken up by now. If she was disposable the Pryderi’s may not have been so protective. If this wasn’t the calm before the storm, why did she feel so anxious?
Evalynis’ hesitation in Tamar’s ability resonated in her head. She believed so whole heartedly in the Noble and his powers, his predestination, but had never seen him. As far as she could tell, no one had. The legends were written long ago and kept at hand for reference, all the Septs knew of them and whispers were passed through generations to keep the Noble alive. Help from the Noble would be pretty useful right about now but it wasn’t a diversion Tamar had time to take.
Maybe before she left she would ask a few more questions about their beliefs in him, when she could make it a priority.