'I've never been truly myself with people. Even before the incident, I have always feared people's opinion about me. I dreaded people's reactions about my actions. I wanted to be accepted and liked by my friends.
So I tried to be perfect, being the most attentive and the nicest friend. But I learned that not everyone can like you. In people's personalities, there will always have a part that you won't like and even if you tried to erase it, you won't be able to suppress it completely.
Today, I'm still not myself. But my motives are not the same anymore. If I was myself in front of people, I would be drowned by pity.
And this is the last thing I want.
Being someone else helps me to not fall apart.'
Tears keep rolling down my cheeks silently as we drive. I don't bother to wipe them off, they fell without interruption.
Nathan keeps glancing at me, checking up on me. But I stare at the window, the landscape is streaming as fast as my tears.
I feel the need to read the letter again and again, like a sort of punishment for my absence. At the same time, all I want to do is to burn the thing that causes me this amount of pain. But both alternatives will wreck me, either because of the unbearable pain it will bring, or because of the unbearable loss it will create.
My thoughts darken like the gloomy road before us, each bend being an emotion. Pain, guilt, grief... I'm drowning yet I can still breathe. But the sorrow on each breathing makes me wish I was like her, gone.
I want, no, I need to think about something else.
"It seems lovely," I say breaking the deafening silence that was oppressing us, as we enter a little parking lot.
Since the moment we stepped into the car, none of us talked. Nathan probably didn't want to bother me or maybe he didn't know what to say. I, on the other side, had nothing to say, too afraid of breaking down again the second my mouth would open.
Nathan jumps slightly at the sound of my voice. His eyes meet mine for a second before turning back to the road.
"Hum... yeah, my family and I used to come here when I was younger," he tells me, a little taken aback by my statement.
He stops the engine and steps out of the car. I struggle with the seatbelt, pulling and pushing on it. I keep trying to detach it but fail miserably.
I jump when Nathan opens the passenger door. I feel my cheeks burning because of the redness that is painting them. Nathan laughs at my embarrassment, the kind of laughter that gives you chills. The sound coming from his lips is so deep that for a moment, I forget everything.
"Here, let me help you," he says, trying to suppress his laughter.
As he moves closer to detach the seatbelt, I can smell his perfume. The space between us is almost nonexistent. I press myself against the back of the seat, trying to distance myself a little. But it doesn't last long, Nathan is already standing up straight, holding the door for me to step out.
I quickly pull away the now detached seatbelt and get out of the car.
The parking lot is almost empty, only Nathan's and two other cars are parked. The cold wind of November is blowing my hair away, sending chills in my body. I hug my chest tighter, looking up to the restaurant.
The facade is simple yet appealing. The huge windows are making the restaurant look like it is just made of glass. Above the entrance, the Jenny's sign illuminates the parking lot.
Nathan walks ahead and holds the door for me to come in.
"You didn't have to do this, you know, go to the restaurant with me. You could have just driven me to my house. Thank you, for everything," I tell him, a little embarrassed by all these attentions.
"Jade, you don't have to thank me for that. I did nothing. And I wasn't going to let you go when you could have just starved to death on the way home," he retorts, winking at me. We walk to the back of the restaurant, to a table situated in a corner.
We sit across from each other and a waiter approaches us. I don't really pay attention to him, I need to concentrate on avoiding all the painful thoughts rushing in my mind.
"Hello I'm Luke and I'll be the one who will serve you tonight. Here is your menu. May I get you something to drink?" He asks us with a bright smile.
"Just water for me, what do you want to drink Jade ?" Nathan says, sending a quick glare to the waiter.
"Same for me," I answer, frowning at Nathan's behavior.
The waiter ignores Nathan and looks at me.
"For the menu, I advise you to order the dish of the day. It's a..." the waiter begins, his body now fully turned towards me.
"I think she knows how to read a menu. Thank you," Nathan interrupts him a little harshly.
The waiter glares at him and leaves us, not without sending me a cocky smile.
We are finally alone in this empty restaurant.
"What's wrong, Nathan?" I ask, completely lost and startled by his behavior.
"Nothing," he shrugs, avoiding my gaze.
"Please tell me," I beg, placing my hand on his.
He turns his head and looks at our hands, before looking at me. I quickly remove my hand.
"S-sorry," I mutter, embarrassed by his reaction.
"Don't be. It's just... I don't like this guy. The way he looks at people is just creepy," he whispers, trying not to be heard from the waiter.
If I wasn't that empty and drained from all emotion, I would have laughed.
"I didn't notice. He seems pretty normal to me," I murmur, tilting forward.
"Oh, but he wasn't looking at me," Nathan states, inclining forward too.
We are only inches apart, the subdued light enlightening our faces.
"I don't think he was looking at me either," is the only thing I found to say.
My eyes are puffy from crying and my cheeks are probably bright red. I'm pretty sure I still have some stained of mascara below my eyes though I tried to remove it in the car. So I'm not the one he was looking at.
"Then who was he staring at ?" He sighs "Anyway, do you feel better ?" He says, leaning against the back of his chair.
No...
"Yes," I manage to fake a little smile, but I can't look him in the eyes, I know I'll waver.
"Don't do that with me," he tells, surprising me.
My smile quickly fades, replaced by frustration. Nathan must have seen the confusion on my face.
"Don't lie to me. I know you're faking all those smiles. So please, stop doing this. Tell me the truth and if sometimes you don't want to, tell me you can't. I'll understand. Be yourself, at least when you're with me," he says, his eyes catching my lifeless expression.
What was he expecting? That I was going to talk about the incident?
Well, he's going to be disappointed, I don't plan on talking about that anytime soon. I just want to forget.
"I don't need to know what happened to you for the moment. When you'll be ready to talk about it, I'll be here to listen to you. But now, all I want is for you to feel better by being yourself," he continues like if he had read my thoughts.
I shift uncomfortably on my seat. Am I ready to be myself? I'm so used to be someone else, a whole new person completely detached from my mind and my body.
"Okay, I'll try," I simply answer to him, not knowing if I'll be able to keep that promise.
~
A/N
Hello !
What do you think about Jathan as a ship name?
Personally, I think I like it way too much...
Special thanks to nanoseconds
(I know, she already had one, but she deserves many more)
Thank you so much for your help and your wonderful feedbacks. You're such an amazing friend, you're always excited about that book and it really motivates me to write even more.<333
Don't forget to comment, vote and share!
XXX
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