After Sean's leaving, I went to my room and ripped the sheets off of my bed and stuffed them into the washing machine, pouring twice the amount of detergent that it was needed into the machine. When the machine started its programme, I grabbed a plastic bucket, filled it with warm water and some bleach, then with a cloth I started to clean the sofa and the floor in the living room. I opened all of the doors and windows in the house to fresh the air inside and clear off Sean's scent – but I was pretty sure it was only inside of my head. When I finished the cleaning inside I went outside to the back porch and washed the boards as well and even the chairs we sat on. An hour later I was done. But I couldn't wash off my guilt that easily.
I had to realize that I shouldn't. I could live with those things over the years, I knew I would be able to continue my life with my bad decisions, if I keep myself on the right way. On the way to Norman.
I was still hesitating. Not about my feelings – now I was 100 percent sure about my love for Norman. But I still didn't know anything about his feelings.
He must be having feelings for me! There are signs! He called me Mrs. Reedus...
It was only tongue-slip!
He still wants me to live with him!
And Mingus! He only wants me there for Mingus!
Arghhh!!!
I shut the doors and windows, then went to the living room and sat on the armchair, drumming with my fingers on my knees, looking for something to do.
My mind kept wandering back to the last 48 hours happenings, to the memory of Sean's confession. I still couldn't believed it had happened. He made me promise I would never fall in love with him, not in a lifetime. And I was strict to that. Not like I'd even wanted to love anyone. Or anyone else than Norman. It wasn't a concious feeling as well that I loved Norman. It just happened. I think it was somehow inevitable. Our fate was bonded by my brother's death, our lives had connected in that forest. I realized I hadn't come back to that part of the forest, even if we had been living not that far from the spot of the accident. But we never went there, on purpose. Suddenly, I felt like I wanted to go back there.
I should tell that to Norman – and some other tiny news...
I was sure that as soon as Norman would come home, I would tell him everything. Okay, not everything, not Sean, but everything about my feelings, about us. It was only 2 weeks til my birthday... I had nothing to lose. But I knew myself enough to know, now that I knew I wouldn't be able to live next to him with secret feelings.
I'd been sitting there for a long time, when my sight wandered toward the self, above the television. Norman kept his favourite DVDs there, despite the fact he never had the time to watch any of them. And I never did as well. He also had there his favourite series DVD collection, all of them was BluRay, of course. But one of them wasn't there: The Walking Dead. I stood up and went to the shelf, to look after the missing pile of DVDs. Soon, I found them right next to the BluRay player. It had a post-it on the top, with the crazy handwriting of Norman:
If you'd be bored...
xxx Norman
I couldn't resist neither a grin, nor the urge to put them on and watch it. It was a lot and I was sure I wouldn't be able to watch all of them til Norman would come home but anyways, I promised to start it...
I woke up to the noise of zombies and Andrew's yelling. As I opened my eyes, I had to close it straightaway, because the glowing sun was intended to blind me.
Ugh, I slept through the night... In the armchair.
Yes, I could definitely feel the arm of the chair in the crook of my neck. I sat up in the chair and looked at the tv. I remembered to get to the last few episodes of the second season in the early morning, when it was still dark outside but I wasn't really able to keep my eyes open. So I wasn't surprised I missed a few episodes. But I was pretty sure that the episode that was in the television, was in the third season. Judith was only born in season 3...
I didn't have time to think through the strange happening when I heard a crashing noise, straight from the kitchen. The immediate fear overwhelmed me, but soon I realized it must had be Norman – he was supposed to come home on Sunday.
Oh my heart, be still!
Suddenly, all the lines I practised to tell him vanished from my mind and I couldn't wait to see him again, to wrap my arms around him and never let him go away, ever again. I shot up from the armchair and ran to the kitchen.
'Norman!' I screamed in excitement, but stopped in the immediate second I entered the kitchen and realized I was wrong. It wasn't Norman. It was... 'Silence?'
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Thanks for all the reading!
- D.