Cade...
Throwing my phone violently across the room, it hits the wall and lands with a cushioned thud on the rug. Violence is now burning through my angered veins. Squeezing my head really hard, I'm trying to erase the pictures that my mother has just sent me from my tortured mind. With clenched fists, I hit my head over and over. Just wanting to wipe the gut-twisting images from my brain. Images of Sophia with another man. Being touched and fucking kissed by another fucking man! Pacing, insanely back and forth; my world is unravelling all around me. The seams of my life are just coming apart. With shuffling feet, I turn off the chilli I was cooking and reach into one of the kitchen cupboards to pull out a bottle of rum. Twisting the lid off, I throw the metal cap across the apartment, thinking of the text that my bitch of a mother had sent alongside the photo's, as I start downing the bitter rum.
The tick is using you, Cade. Whilst you are there, she's here in her pretty little shop with another man. I knew you wouldn't believe me if I had just told you...but a picture can't lie.
With the rum burning the sides of my throat, the images of Sophia with another man, burns so much more. As much as I hate my mother, she's right—a picture can't lie.
As much as I don't want to believe that it's Sophia in those shitty set of pictures, it gut-twistingly is. Gulping more of the rum down, I need to numb away those pictures. Numb away every single thought that I have. I need to shut down all that my mother sent me. She's only done this to hurt me. I may be a fool to have cared about Sophia, but I'm no fucking fool about my mother. Pure cruelty runs through that woman's veins. And it's that cruelty that compelled her to send me that text and the accompanying pictures. Even for her, it's a real low blow. She saw that I was happy, and just couldn't stand it. The hardest thing is, the pictures really do speak for themselves.
Sophia is being touched on the cheek by another mans hand.
Sophia is kissing the same fucking man.
I can't unsee that!
I can't wipe that from my tortured mind!
Needing more and more rum, I gulp it down as quick as I can. All the time I can still remember Sophia in those pictures, the more rum I will drink. They say all beginnings must end, this is obviously mine and Sophia's.
Why did she make me trust her?
Why did she make me fall in love with her?
Shit, I need more rum!
Swinging open the cupboard, I grab two more bottles. With anger navigating me, I walk back out to the living area, taking large swigs from my newest bottle of rum and holding the other one with my fingers clenched tight around its glass neck. Slumping myself down onto my sofa, I drink.
The more I think, the more I drink.
I need to forget! I need to forget! I need to forget! Is what I keep telling myself, over and over. What my mother has done, is to be expected. What Sophia has done, is crushing me. I love her. I fucking love her. And this is how she rewards me? Screwing women is so much easier than loving them. With the rum just beginning to take effect, I grab my mobile from off the table. With my fingers just starting to feel numb, I send a text.
Get over here now! I need some relief, Cade.
Marion is one of my former screws. She's been dying to get me back inside of her, so I know she'll not disappoint. I just need to drink until I'm drunk. In that mind-numbing haze, I will need to screw. Being with Sophia changed me. That change, hurts. I have endured enough hurt in my lifetime. I don't do hurt. I can't do hurt. So the only way to end my Sophia torment, is to drink and screw myself numb.
Being this Cade, is much more manageable.
This is the Cade that I know so well. Him, I can handle.
As I continue to glug down the stinging rum, my phone vibrates beside me.
Be there in 5!!!!
Marion xxx
Bingo! My fuck for the night is on its way.
I don't need Sophia in my life. I have everything I could ever need—money, booze and screws—I don't need her.
But you do need her, Cade...you're in love with her. An inner voice, taunts me. Provoking me with its lies. I actually start shouting back, things are just starting to get hazy, but I'm shouting the hell back. "I don't love her! She doesn't love me! It's all lies!" Bringing the rum groggily to my lips, I swallow down more of the fiery fluid. I am still able to remember, and I don't want to remember. With each gulp I take, the more numb my body is actually beginning to feel. But my mind, is still remembering. Just because I'm not wanting to remember, doesn't mean I can forget. "I want to fucking forget! I need to forget!" I shout out to the silent air in the apartment. "Get out of my mind, Sophia Hale! Get out of it! Now!" Against my better judgment, that bitch made me fall in love with her. Internalising everything I now feel for Sophia, I drown more of myself with rum. There's a dark storm brewing in my head—a dangerously dark storm.
The threads that hold my heart together, are fraying away; one threadbare beat at a time. It is then, that an ice cold bucket of devastation is thrown over me. No matter how quickly I have drank two bottles of rum, I still know that Sophia still flows through my intoxicated veins. She's still inside of me. I can still feel her. A painful reminder to remember her by, before I am deluged with disorientation and engulfed in numbness. But disorientation and numbness is exactly what I need. Disorientation and numbness beats having to deal with reality and Sophia. I don't need her. I don't need to love her. "I don't need to love you!" I angrily shout out, shouting at the nothingness still all around me. "I don't need to love you." The devastation from my mouth, now comes out quiet and broken. Sophia has completely broke me. I have always been a broken man, but never have I felt more broke than I do now. I was a fool to think that she ever cared about me, I really was. Not even my own mother has ever cared about me. So why would anyone else? That woman. That bitch of a woman who gave birth to me. This evening, she has done her absolute worst. Never, have I felt more crushed by something that my mother has done to me. Taking yet another drunken swig of the rum, I wonder how I could have got things so wrong with Sophia. I thought things were going great. I thought things were getting serious between us. I actually fell in love with Sophia, then she goes and screws me over with another man. Why? Why would she fucking do that? Too many painful questions are diseasing my inebriated membranes, so I gulp more and more of the rum. I'm gulping it down so much, it seeps out from the sides of my mouth, soaking my chin, neck and shirt. "Shhhit!" With a heavy arm, I wipe my chin and mouth with the back of my hand. Then I try to undo my shirt, but my fingers are too numb to work. "Shhhit!" I curse with frustration, wanting to get the wet shirt from off of me. In temper, I pull on both sides of the shirt; ripping off all the buttons with a quick and fiery tear. Causing damage to my shirt, gives me a sense of drunken satisfaction. As I stare at some of the buttons that have fallen in different places on the floor, my attention is dragged away from them by the gentle knocking I can hear on my front door. Summoning the strength to stand from my sofa, every single part of my body now feels weighted and without feeling. Trying to put one foot in front of the other, now feels almost impossible. My head is wildly spinning. I have no coordination. Staggering forwards, somehow, I make it to the door. Managing to negotiate the door lock, I finally open it up. Hanging off the edge of the door, I focus hard on the distorted woman in front of me.
"Cade? Are you okay?" Marion's voice echoes in my ears as I try to focus hard on her. There seems to be too many of her. Far too many of her.
"Come in." Mumbling, I let go of the door. I am now just one drunken mess. A drunken mess who can no longer stand unaided. Grabbing a quick hold of Marion, I prop myself on her shoulder. "I'll be...okay...in a minute." Even the sound of my own voice now echoes in my ears. Stumbling, I lose my balance. I feel like I am falling in slow, slow motion. It's only when I hit my head on the side of the sofa, do I realise that my fall has come to an hazy end.
"Shit, Cade! How much have you drank?" Marion is fussing all around me, but I'm now too pissed to care. I'm too pissed to actually care about anything. Alcohol never fails me. It's taking me to a good and insensible place. Where I am numbly going. There is no mother. No Sophia. No nothing. Just an anaesthetised abyss. My eyes are getting heavier and heavier. I feel like I am sinking into the floor of my apartment. Marion and her voice are fading away. Everything is now fading away.
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