"Owwkay, here is the book." I placed a book on Demi's lap. She thoroughly studied the pictures while waiting for me to sit down next to her on her bed.
"What do you see?" I began.
"A girl." she answered. I nodded.
"Okay so, this girl has a name. And we just studied the alphabet, so can you figure out what this word says?" I went on. She looked at the name next to the girl. She looked at every letter and tried to remember how to pronounce it.
"M.. a.. r.. y... Mary?" She asked hesitatingly.
"Yes! Really good! Okay, next page." I turned the page and saw in the corners of my eyes how Demi brightened up a little. She smiled again, proud of her achievement. I loved to make her smile. I pointed at the small sentence next to the second picture.
"M.. Mary, h.. h-a-s, has, a, B -a -l -l. Bal-l?" She frowned.
"Good! See, you spell a ball with two L's, but you pronounce it as one." I explained. I tried my very best not to sound childish to her. She wasn't a baby, she just can't read. But the fact that I made her smile if I sounded excited, made me do it automatically.
"Next page." I said. She lubberly turned the page around. This time, a picture of a boy was printed on it. It said 'Tom loves ice.'
"Mary.."
"Now whoa, does that say 'Mary'?" I corrected. She frowned again. She looked at the word again.
"Uh.. m, uh.."
"What is this letter?" I pointed at the T. She kept staring at it, but she made no sound. She bit her lower lip while she tried to remember the letter. I let her think, she could do it.
"I don't know." She said harsh and closed the book. She raised her arm and made an attempt to smite the book across the room, but I quickly placed my hands on the cover before she could.
"Easy, it was just one letter you didn't remember." I tried to calm her down. She was scared of failing, I noticed. It somehow didn't surprise me. She frowned, looking away, still disappointed in herself.
"You know what, we'll proceed tomorrow." I stated. I took the book from her and placed it on the table. I pulled my hair elastic out of my hair and placed it next to the book. Demi looked me in the eyes. I shyly looked down and played with my ring, but her eyes kept glued to my face. Her eyebrows were slightly raised, she didn't frown anyway, which I already wasn't used to from her. I couldn't really think of something we could do, it was way too early for her to sleep. Most of the caregivers would just send the patient to bed earlier, but that wouldn't be fair in my opinion. We sat straight next to each other. Her bare knee touched mine, but she didn't withdraw. But I didn't either, just like Evette said.
I secretly peeked at her legs. They were really pretty. She didn't shave them, of course, but that didn't really matter. I looked at the difference between my shaved legs and hers. Why do people even shave? I barely saw any difference. My sight slid down to her sneakers. They were grey, dirty. She sat with her lower legs crossed and wobbled a little with them.
"What are you thinking about?" She asked. I looked at her, feeling a little busted.
"Nice things." I said and smiled. I couldn't let her know that I had such a detailed view of things, she'd think I'm a creep.
"H-how are you?" She almost didn't dare to ask. We were both scared that I was going to disappoint her again. I seriously wanted to find out what she meant with it. I looked straight into her eyes, what if it was a trick question? I was feeling great, especially because I sat next to her. But if I told her, I would kill her good mood. I gulped. I wanted to make her smile, or at least not disappoint her. I was tired of seeing her look down and sigh. Especially if she repeated the question. The anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks.
*
"I.. uh, I-I'm feeling, u-uhm.." I never stuttered so much in my life. The moment Demi found out I freaked out, she carefully took my wrists. She briefly gave a face of sympathy. A face that said 'I'm sorry that I keep asking you that, I understand that you don't get it'. I looked down since I almost couldn't stop staring at her pretty eyes.
She lifted her hand and placed it on my cheek. I lifted my head back up. I could feel it, she knew I was only a human too. I could be scared too, I could be afraid of losing someone. I could be afraid of disappointing someone and I could be angry at myself that I didn't understand her. It was always me who took care of her, for one moment it was the opposite.
She placed a second on my other jaw. Her hands were soft and warm. She came closer and gently reached with her lips to my forehead. I closed my eyes when she gently pressed her lips against my forehead. While her hands were still cupped around my face, the majestic hands she danced with to that beautiful piece of music once. Her lips were even softer than the skin of her fingertips. She gave me a kiss of actual real yet confused love. For a moment she was as proud and majestic as a queen, yet still so unsure. For a moment I heard angels singing. As if the room lit up. She pulled her head back and looked in my eyes again. She smiled slightly.
I took a moment for me to recover from the magical moment that just took place. But her smile made me think out loud. "When will I ever hear you laugh?" I asked. She blushed and shrugged her shoulders, while she softly took away her hands.
"When will you ever understand my questions?" She said with a teasing tone. I grinned.
"When will you ever explain them to me?" I went on. Suddenly her smile disappeared. She bit the inside of her cheek and thought. Was she actually going to explain it all?
"I.. I don't know, I just can't." She said. I smiled at her to tell her it was alright. I got up to grab her jar of medicines. I filled her glass with water and handed all of it to her. She sighed.
"I don't want to sleep." She said while staring at her hand full of different medicines. She lifted her knee and placed them in front of her. I lifted my knee too to face her.
"They look so innocent. As if each pill could make a wish come true." She said while going through the pills with her finger. I nodded.
"What if they did? What wish would you attach to each?" I asked. She started pointing at one pill at a time.
"This one would free me, away from here. This one would stop me from hurting myself. This one would give me wings so that I could fly. This one would uhm.. give me my family back. This one would make people tolerate the things I do. And this one would uh, make me be."
"Make you be?" I didn't understand what she meant with that. She didn't reply.
"You forgot the wish that somebody would wait for you to love you if you get out of this place." I stated. She looked at me without lifting her head. She started blushing and smiled. She made me bloom inside at that moment. I got her point...
"Here." I handed her the glass of water. "And now let's hope those wishes will come true." She took the medicines and swallowed each one of them. She took her shoes off.
"Have you ever kissed someone?" She suddenly asked. Of course, I had. I had kissed all of the bitches in college who didn't give a shit about me. But I couldn't tell her that.
"Yes, you?" I wanted to face-palm myself at that moment. I was so stupid. She looked down and shook her head while smiling.
"Does it feel nice?" She asked further. I nodded.
"Well, it depends on the person of course." I grinned. She smiled brightly now. I could almost hear a small smirk coming from her mouth, but that could have been my imagination. She probably imagined how it felt since I found her staring after that. She saw an image I couldn't see with her tired eyes. I got up, it was time for her to sleep.
"Come." I said. She crawled underneath the blanket and rested her head on the pillow.
"Sleep well, honey." I softly but briefly kissed her cheek and walked back to my stool.
I waved goodbye to Grace while I held the knife behind my back. I was going to do it again today, I knew that. Don't ask me why. She closed the door. I fell on my bed and let the knife drop on the ground. I stared at the ceiling. Dad could be here now. He probably sat on my chair, watching me do nothing but lying there. He crossed his arms and sighed while waiting for me to let my medicines sink in. 'Mommy is not coming home for a long time' he'd say. My heart started pounding wildly. Why did my thoughts always have to turn into the same situation? I gulped while I tried to let him disappear from my sight. I rolled over to my side and cried with my knees and forehead against the wall. 'Now if you will scream this time, I might take my belt. Whether it's because you seek help, or find it pleasant'. I stood up and walked towards me. He was going to do it again. Step by step I felt my heart beating faster. Until he towered over me and almost wanted to take my arm. I quickly turned around and grabbed the knife from the ground. The sharp side stung severely against my wrist, but dad disappeared. I kept digging the piece of metal into my arm
"Ouw." I whispered softly when a salty tear fell upon my skin and mixed into the red liquid with the blood. I trembled, but I tried to keep myself together. I laid myself down, back on the bed. I felt my warm tears softly dripping past my temple. I breathed through my mouth, otherwise, I would hyperventilate immediately. Everything was too much for me at that moment. I held my hand before my eyes to hide from the dazzling light. I wanted to scream to ease the deafening silence. I wish Selena was here. She could distract me. But I wish she'd never come back as well, she gave me strange feelings, of which I wasn't sure of if I wanted to feel them. But she actually made me happy. How could I, how dared I. Daddy would slap me if he heard about her, I shouldn't tell him about her. I looked at how he appeared back on the chair again. I was too tired to hurt myself again, I'd better let him do it. I sat back up, but my thoughts became worse than ever. 'You should burn back to hell' he said. He set my room on fire. No no no, not again. I stood up to dodge away from the flames behind me. I ran to the other side of the room, but the fire was everywhere. I cried it out.
*
"MOM!" I yelled, I knew she'd never be here. Dad still stood in the corner of the room, the flames lit his clothes on fire. It was him who was on fire. I saw his skin burn until his flesh was visible, but he didn't move a single bit. The sweat broke through my skin as I felt the warmth of the fire. My back stung like crazy. I screamed like a small child.
Until people came in. Demons. They were here. I screamed at them to keep them away. I didn't want to die. They grabbed my arms, but I fought back. I kicked the caregivers' stool over to scare them off. Noises overlapped while the flames blocked my vision. I burned. I still screamed while I tried my very best to get lose from the strong arms that held me. One of the demons threw me on the ground. They punched their pointy knees into my back to push me through the floor, into hell. The flames burned me from the inside. I couldn't breathe. They pulled me back up when I stopped kicking. They dragged me to the door.
"NO! DON'T TAKE ME!" I screamed, but there was no way they would let me drop. Until somebody stood in the doorway. She eased my pain immediately. My jaw dropped when the flames stopped blocking my view of her. It was my mother. She was there. She actually was there. She stepped towards me in a flash and grabbed my jaws. Until the blue eyes turned brown. Her face changed. Everything changed. The flames disappeared and so did my dad. It wasn't my mother's face anymore, it was Selena's.
She fell on her knees after the caregivers let her go. I quickly fell in front of her and embraced her. She quickly wrapped her arms my neck and cried it out.
"Your shirt, madam." One of the caregivers said. I felt the blood from Demi's wrist sink in the back of my shirt. It made me tear up. It scared me, but also hit me emotionally.
"Go to your patients, I've got this. Mabel, could you take my shift?" I suavely spoke. Mabel nodded. "Push the button if she starts again." Someone said and everyone left the room. Demi still cried loudly. She dug her nose into my shoulder after she stopped screaming.
"Ssshh.."
"I.." She began. Her gasps made her unable to speak.
"Breathe, honey." I rubbed my hand against her back. She breathed in heavily.
"I t-thought you were m-my mother." She sobbed. I widened my eyes and pulled away out of shock. She looked like a mess. She thought I was her mother? That'd explain why she looked so thunderstruck when I walked in. What delusions did she see while getting tantrums?
"What did you see?" I asked while wiping the hair from her face.
"My father, fire, you." She lowered her head but looked back at me after a little while. She was in mental pain, and it hurt me to see that. I grabbed her hand and placed my other hand over it. I looked at her wrist. My stomach twisted around to see all the blood.
"Why did you cut?" I asked. She looked at the cuts too now, being reminded of them.
"He was about to hurt me, he wouldn't go away." She cried.