I woke up to a pain coming from my back, and a loud banging noise. I sat up tiredly and opened my eyes to Lafayette running about the room putting on clothes. "Did you hit me?" I groaned.
"I accidentally tripped over you," he said quickly, buttoning his shirt. "Sorry but I have a meeting I have to go to and I'm running late." He slipped on his shoes quickly, running his hand through his messy hair. "Take the day off again alright? Just relax for today. Hang out with friends or family."
"Where's your meeting?" I asked.
"It's in Boston."
"Boston! What? How did I not know about this? I'm your assistant!"
He smirked, putting on his belt. "You know you're more than my assistant, Emmy."
"But how long will you be gone?" I asked.
"I don't know. A few hours to all day. Who knows? I'll be back today though." He grabbed his briefcase and his coat. As he opened the door he said, "I'll see you later tonight, Em."
"Bye..." I said, holding the blanket.
That really wasn't the morning I was looking forward to. I mean, we stayed up all night until around five, so that technically was morning. It was only ten right now, and I kind of figured we'd wake up at eleven or noon and take the day off again, only for a little while maybe. Hell, I figured I could give him a blow job, too, but I guess not. He didn't even kiss me goodbye. He didn't even - Oh...he didn't even say he loved me last night. I mean, sometimes couples will do that. One won't be ready to say it, but now that I think about it - what am I to him now? Was it just a one night thing, or are we together? He said I was more than just his assistant, but that could mean anything.
I groaned and stood up, really not wanting to put any clothes on. I used the toilet, made some breakfast, and sat on the bed, flipping on the TV. I decided I'd call Alisha because I hadn't heard from her in a while and she was smart when it came to this type of stuff. She picked up the phone quickly, like usual, and she answered with, "Hi Em!"
"Hey," I replied with a sigh.
"What's up? You sound sad."
I sighed again. "I slept with Lafayette."
She gave a fangirl squeal. "No way!"
"Yeah. I did. And I think that's all that's gonna happen between us."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, last night was incredible, but this morning wasn't. He was running late for a meeting in Boston and he didn't kiss me goodbye or anything. He didn't mention last night or anything. I told him I loved him and he didn't say he loved me back, though." I started to cry, because I'm a puss.
"Oh, Em, be rational. He was running late. Then maybe he's just not ready to say the three words back, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you."
"I know, but everything was so perfect up until then."
"Really? How was the sex?"
"Freaking incredible. Best sex I've ever had. He knows exactly what he does, you know? He touched me in all the right places and ways and we did it all night long. It was amazing. Making love is way better than just sex."
"That's for sure."
"Are you still with Clovis?"
"Yep. We were going to move in together."
"Really? That's cute. How long has it been?"
"About seven months. Unlike you and your man, we don't move in two months after knowing each other."
"Yeah, but we didn't even have sex until a year later."
"It'll be okay, Em."
"You're right..." I sighed.
"Like always," she sang.
"Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm gonna go and be lazy some more."
"You do that. I'll see ya later."
I hung up and groaned once I again. I got up and decided to make brownies. I grabbed the mix we had and stirred everything up, but then I figured the brownies would just turn out crappy so I decided to eat the batter instead. I hopped into bed, still naked, and watched Steve Wilkos while stuffing my fat face. I watched the episode where another shitty mother was being accused of abusing her child, and the lie detector test said she did it, and the crowd went crazy. Jerry Springer came on after and I watched an episode where they sexualized a few bisexual girls and made them exemplify the stereotype that bisexual people are sluts when indeed they aren't. Except for Lafayette I guess. Was he going to call me today? He didn't have a cell phone but sometimes he had a throw away phone or he had some on his cars and planes.
I put the bowl of brownie batter onto the table and leaned back onto the pillows. I decided to be pessimistic. What reasons were there that he wouldn't want to be with me? Well, I'm a lot younger than him, and so I'm not as smart as him and haven't experienced as many things as him. He's sexy as hell and can be with anyone he wants. I'm his assistant and that can cause some problems in the future. Those are basically the three biggest things, and nothing else really matters after that.
I got bored and called Mom.
"Hello?" she answered.
"M-om," I whined.
"What is it?"
"I have problems and I don't want to deal with them."
"But you know you have to."
"But I don't want to."
"What're your problems?"
"I slept with Lafayette and I don't think he wants to be with me."
"What?"
I groaned.
"Don't get impatient with me."
"Fine. He took me on the most perfect date in the entire world and then he slept with me and then he left super early this morning without saying anything. He didn't say he loved me back," I said.
"Quit being dramatic," she scolded.
"I'm not!"
"Emerson."
"Mom. I really don't think anything is going to happen. I have this horrible feeling it was just a fling."
"And why would it be a fling? Why in the hell would he not want to be with you? Is he really the type of person who would do that?"
"No, but he is so out of my league. He is way smarter than, ten times more attractive, and is just perfect."
"Perfect? You mean he has no flaws?" She was so indignant.
"He has flaws."
"Like what?"
"Well, he's an emotional wreck. He doesn't follow certain laws. He-"
"See? He has flaws. But do you care?"
"No..." I mumbled.
"Then why would he care about your flaws? You said you make him happy Em. Out of all the troubles you told me he has, don't you think he'd realized that yes - he needs you?"
"I'm just not positive Mom."
"Well that's fine. You're not supposed to be positive. I am."
I laughed, covering my face. "What would I do without you Mom?"
"Probably burn down the house."
I laughed again, sighing.
"Feeling better?"
"Yes."
"Good. Now I have to finish this quiche, alright?"
"Alright. I'll call you soon again."
"Alright. Love you."
"Love you."
"Bye."
"Bye."
I tossed my phone to the side and hid in the fort that hadn't been taken down. I closed my eyes and thought about how much I loved my mom. I called her all the time and just told her about my day. Sometimes it wasn't even that interesting, and yet she still listened. When I went to college, it was really the first time I told Mom that I missed her and relied on her a lot. I told her I loved her a lot, but I guess I never mentioned how wonderful she was to me. After my aunt passed away, I started to talk to her more than I used to and tell her, along with everyone in the family, I loved them more. We were afraid that one day one of us wouldn't be here again. I hated to think about the fact that Mom wouldn't be here. I'm only twenty-three, and yeah - I'm independent, but I'm not a parent yet. I don't have any kids of my own to worry about. Thinking about it really makes me want to start having kids because I want them to know how amazing their grandmother is. And their grandfather, and everyone in the family. I grew up with my cousins and we were best friends. My other cousins are starting to have kids. I know I'm kind of younger than them, but not that much younger. For some reason I've always pictured myself having kids kind of young. That was when I was in high school and dreamed of being an author. I pictured being able to sit at home, writing a story to send to the publisher's. I'd stop to play with the kids. My husband would come home, or maybe he wouldn't even leave for work, and we'd all make great family memories. We'd visit my parents just down the road. We'd walk to the park. They'd play with their cousins. It'd be great.
"Lucy! I'm home!" shouted Lafayette, entering with a Cuban accent.
Of course he came in when I was crying at my negative thoughts. He peaked into the fort and a concerned look came over his face. "What's wrong?" he asked, coming in and sitting down.
I shrugged. "It's just, you know, I keep thinking about stupid things," I said.
"Like what?"
I shrugged. "The usual. About how everyone's just gonna die all of a sudden."
He nodded. We had been through this before. "Just remember what I've told you before."
"I know."
He smiled at me put his hand on my shoulder, caringly. "What have you done today?"
"Nothing. I sat in bed, ate, watched TV."
He nodded. "Nice. Why are you covered up? Take this off," he said, throwing the blanket to the side. "Be naked. I much prefer you that way."
I laughed. Well, at least he wasn't ignoring last night. "Hey Faye?"
"Yes?"
I bit my lip and peered over at him. "So, last night, that wasn't just a one time thing was it?" I asked.
"Of course not Emmy," he said gently, his expression growing soft.
"Right, and, uh...I told you I loved you last night. I know that sometimes the other person isn't ready to say it back or they don't know, but, you know, if you do know and..."
"Do I love you?" he asked.
"Yes..."
"Let's see. Have I thought about it? Not exactly. Have I thought about you? Definitely. Do I love you? It's a really good question. I love many things about you, that's for sure."
"Like what?"
"Well...I love that the first thing you do when you go outside is look up."
"I do that?" I asked.
"Yeah. We walk outside and you look up to the sky. When it's night or there's a lot of clouds out you always look up for longer, but you just look up. I also love how you drench your Oreos in milk and then delicately tap it on the side of the glass. I love that your eyes aren't exactly blue but are a silvery blue and so sometimes in low lighting they look silver."
"They do?"
"Oh yeah. Like a cat's eyes. I love that your body reminds me of an alien's."
I laughed, asking, "Excuse me?"
"It's a compliment. Really. It's just you have long arms and legs and a skinny waist and it reminds me of aliens from some movies. I like it, though. I want you to wrap your legs around me twice."
I laughed again, shielding my face.
"I love how your hair is careless and yet looks wonderful and that I can run my fingers through it. I love that you laugh at everything, even when it's not that funny, because it just means you see some humor that I can't. I love that you cry at everything, too, because then it just means you have more compassion. I love that your ass is perfectly round. I love that you sit like a model but you never actually mean to. It's just how you naturally sit. I love that you are the definition of a best friend. I love that you bring this wonderful light into my life, too. You make me feel wonderful Em. So, ultimately, I love you."
I smiled stupidly. Why wouldn't I? I had never loved anyone, and the first person I do love loves me back. So of course I'm thrilled and in utter bliss. I leaned in and kissed him, lovingly I might add. We rolled around kissing, entwined in each other's arms. We accidentally hit one of the chairs that had our fort up and it all came tumbling down. I laughed as most of it fell on him. He swiftly threw all the sheets off of us and pulled me up, continuing our kiss. He knocked me back onto the bed and towered over me, his lips moving tenderly.
"Take your clothes off," I told him, laughing, between his kisses.
He smiled and removed his clothes quickly (like he had done it plenty of times before) and pulled the blankets over us. We had some great love making for a while, finishing up around dinner time. He gave me one last kiss and then stood up to make supper. He was the type of person who didn't care about being naked. When we went to the nudist beach in Brazil, he acted like being naked was normal. It's the most natural state of a human being, but that doesn't mean it's normal. Even after getting pounded into the mattress by him, I was still timid. I can't help it. I liked watching him do things naked, though, and not just because he's sexy. I love seeing the way his body moves. He's so nice and fit. When he walks, I like seeing his thigh muscles. He has the sexiest thighs in the entire world. No joke. So damn hot. Though when he turns, his back muscles move nicely with his smooth back. I guess I've always likes the human body in general.
I stood up as he was making baked ziti and put on his shirt, which was longer on me and came right below my ass. "How long have you loved me?" I asked.
He tilted his head, thinking about it. "Hm. That's a good question." He took more time to think about it and then smiled at me. "Love at first sight I suppose."
I smirked. "I'm being serious."
"Me, too. I fell in love with your smile."
"I was way too nervous to smile on the first day."
"No. I knew what you looked like even before you became my assistant."
"Really? You rarely visited the 23rd floor, so I didn't think you really recognized me."
"No, on the company website. It was a list of the employees in this building. I was scrolling through all the employees and they each had a profile picture. No one was smiling in the first pictures I saw. None. They looked like mug shots. Then I got to the L's and there was your picture. You were the only who was smiling, and it didn't even look like a duchenne smile. It was genuine, like you loved getting your picture taken or you were excited to get the job."
"It was probably both."
"Exactly. And I just thought that out of all the people here, why were you the only one smiling? I smiled when I looked at the photo, and I loved you instantly."
"I don't believe it."
"It's true. Really. If you don't believe that, then you have to believe that I was definitely in love with you on your first day as my assistant. At least within the first week."
"Whatever."
"It's true. I thought you were absolutely amazing. I thought you were so weird because you laughed at everything. You smiled constantly. You called me at night to see if I needed help, which no one ever does. You fell asleep at any point in the day. I thought you were very amusing. You were just a walking light fixture and I fell for you. I asked you to move in with me when I hardly knew you didn't I? I did so many things because I always wanted you to be happy. If you were happy, then it would make me happier."
"Because you have depression."
I really didn't mean to say that. I mean, he didn't know I knew. I was going to wait for him to bring it up, but I guess that's out the window now...
He nodded. "Yeah," he said, sighing.
I felt relieved. Well, at least he wasn't going to question me. I moved closer into his arms so our faces were very close. "Can you tell me about it?" I asked quietly.
He pulled me closer, looking down at me. "There really isn't much to tell. I'm depressed, and I've always been depressed."
"Did anything happen?"
"No. In a way, I wish something did happen, then I'd be less angry about the fact that I am depressed. Sometimes, the chemicals in our brains simply causes depression. I have dysthymia, which is a type of depression that lasts a long time, but it's not as severe as major depression. My symptoms don't show as much and I'm still able to do things. People with major depression can't work or sleep or eat or it's just hard for them. I can, but at the end of the day, I don't want to."
"What's it feel like?"
"It feels really awful. I feel empty a lot, and I feel guilty and sometimes hopeless. I have headaches a lot, and you ever notice my sleeping patterns?"
"I know you don't sleep a lot. Well, you used to not sleep a lot. When I first started working you never seemed to sleep."
He smirked. "Yeah, but over time I was able to sleep more and more. Because of you of course. Also, I overate, which is actually a symptom. Most people don't eat enough, but I overate. I just was never able to sleep and so I'd constantly work out. Do you know how old I was when they diagnosed me?"
"How old?"
"Eight."
I actually cringed on the inside. How could an eight-year-old boy be depressed?
"My parents noticed that I didn't do much. At first, the doctors thought I had autism, because I didn't seem interested in things and I didn't say much. Though I went to a doctor and he said I couldn't have autism. I held his gaze, I got his humor, I thought the story he said was sad, I carried on a conversation better than most my age actually, and it was debunked. He asked me how I was feeling, and I asked him if it was normal to feel empty. I said I felt really bad about things, but I didn't know why. So he diagnosed me with depression. I've been going to therapy for a very long time now and I've been on and off of antidepressants." He smirked down at me. "They say antidepressants can cause sexual problems you know?"
"Well obviously they just made you a slut."
He laughed, running his hand through my hair. "Clearly."
"So, when did things change?"
"I really started to understand that I was depressed in fifth grade. I decided to try and change that in seventh grade."
"When you became friends with Emilio and Michael."
He nodded. "Yep. Then I constantly tried to do nothing but make myself happy. It didn't necessarily work out." He paused and looked at me, holding my waist. "You remember the phone call I had with my mother about my birthday party and how she got me an ice cream cake? It was my ninth birthday, after being diagnosed. I was thankful for it, and knew she loved me, but I was still so empty." He looked at me softly, lovingly, in a way that I know many people want to be looked at. "Then you came along, and I don't know what it was about you, but you just changed me. For some reason, you made things seem less bad."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure. I think it's because I saw something farther in you."
"Like what?"
"I don't know if I should be saying this because it might be too soon, but I could see a future with you, and I liked it. When I told you about what I wanted to do with my life, I told you that so then I'd know if you wanted the same things as me. You never told me what you wanted, but I pictured a life with you."
I smiled. "I do want that," I whispered, and I can't describe the feeling that was in me. It was a type of jubilance that was far too big for words. I mean, great things were going to happen. Things I wanted to happen in my life were truly going to happen. I loved this amazing man and he loved me and we were going to be together for a long time. The luminosity in me was massive.
"Good," he said, smiling back. "This is really the first time I've been in love with someone."
"You've never been in love?"
"Not really. I thought I was, or I told myself I was. I said that because I wanted to be happy. I basically forced myself to be happy, which isn't really happiness. With you, I didn't have to try."
"Do you ever feel sad, though, still?"
"Not really? I have these slight feelings like that, but it's not much. Nothing to worry about. I only get them when I'm not with you."
I giggled stupidly. I mean, come on. This was perfect. Fucking perfect. Like damn. I couldn't control myself. "Hey, if you've loved me this entire time, how come you just asked me on a date yesterday?" I asked.
"There's two ways to answer that. The reason why I never asked you out before was because I was terrified. I was afraid of loving you and possibly losing you. I was scared yesterday, too, but then you said you loved me and I think that was the happiest I had ever felt, and I mean in my entire life. I thought that wonderful things could happen, but in the back of my mind I was afraid they wouldn't. Though the reason why I asked you out yesterday was because I was extremely jealous. You had gone out with that Owen guy and I was jealous but still too cowardly to make a move. Then you went out with Daniel, and I know how awesome Daniel is, so I couldn't let him make any moves on you. So I finally asked you out. But when did you fall in love with me?"
"Well, I don't know when I fell in love with you. I know when I realized I loved you, though. It was right before we started to travel. I think. Now I can't remember. I think I fell in love with you when you celebrated Christmas with my family. Or maybe it was love at first sight."
"If you've me for so long then why didn't you ask me out?"
"I figured you didn't feel the same. I had the idea that I was out of your league."
"You're the one who's out of my league."
"How about we're in our own league?"
"Good enough for me."
I smiled and kissed him. "This is fun. Sleeping with the boss," I said.
He laughed, pulled me over him as he lied back. "It's a promotion."
It was my turn to laugh. "Just think what Michael and Emilio will think when they find out."
"I know. They'll never leave us alone about it."
"Neither will my mom. Or Alisha. Or anyone in my family. Speaking of family, how is yours?"
"They're fine. Things are going okay with them. I have almost everything done on my list."
"What's left?"
"Well, I still have to deal with Marcus, and then I'm almost done cutting off my underground business."
"At least you know I'll be there to help you get it all done."
"That's the only thing I've ever wanted from you, Em. And your body, but mostly for you to be there."
"Luckily you get both."
"Yeah, speaking of that..." He attacked my neck with his lips, making me laugh.
Seriously, though.
Could life get any better?