I couldn't believe I was actually about to have this conversation with Bryden. Everything that was going to come out of my mouth was going to hurt him. Especially the part about me not wanting him to take my virginity. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Bryden would have made everything so special. He would have really taken care of me because he would have known how nervous I was. Thinking of all this made me understand how horrible of a person I was. Bryden didn't deserve someone like me. No, I didn't deserve someone like him. He had been so good to me and I ruined that. Bryden needs someone who isn't so selfish. He needs someone who he knows he can trust. No someone who isn't honest about important things. Maybe he would take all the honesty I was about to give him and want to repair what has been broken. I wanted nothing more than to be with him. I love him.
"Here you go." Bryden quietly spoke as he handed me a glass of water. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, feeling awkward for even being in his room. This is where we could have made love. Here. On this very mattress, but I had to be stupid and not want that.
"Thanks." I replied, bringing the glass to my mouth and taking a small sip before setting it down on the nightstand.
Bryden sat down next to me. There was an obvious tension between us, like we didn't know how to go about having this conversation.
We were silent for a couple of long minutes. I finally decided that the only way to start this thing was to just talk and reveal everything.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. I couln't allow any more words to escape my lips. I guess the whole coming thing clean wasn't going to work.
"You've said that to me a million times, Rose." There was anger in his voice. I could tell that this wasn't going to go well. "What are you sorry for?"
"Cheating." I quietly replied. I didn't know what else to tell him. Giving him an explanation for my horrible actions wasn't going to be easy.
"Jesus, Rose." He said under his breath.
"What?" I shouted. "Jesus what? I know you want me to tell you everything. I get that, but just let me think of how I'm going to do that. For like a minute. Please." I was so frustrated right now. Bryden would never understand the internal battle that was going on inside of me. I want to be with him. More than he probably knows. The only way there is going to be a chance for us to have a relationship would be to tell him the truth. I have to tell him everything. Even if that means breaking up for good.
"Why do you need to think about how you are going to tell me?" He yelled back. "It's been two weeks. You knew we were going to have this conversation."
"It isn't that easy." I stood up and went to close the bedroom door. We were the only ones in his apartment at the moment, but I still felt better knowing we were completely shut off from the rest of the world around us.
"How is it not that easy?" Bryden asked. I couldn't believe he was being so difficult.
"Have you ever cheated on someone?" I quickly turned around and glared at him.
"No. I'm not that low." Now he was taking jabs at me. Even though it wasn't a huge one, it still hurt knowing that he thought that about me.
I slowly walked back over to the bed and sat down facing him. I guess I was ready to tell him everything. I couldn't really prolong this anymore. "Bryden, I'm going to tell you something and you are going to freak out. Please just let me say what I have to before you yell at me."
"So it's that bad?"
"Shut up." I snapped.
He raised his hands jokingly in defeat. The tone in his voice was not joking though. It was more of get-the-hell-on-with-it kind of tone. "Fine."
I inhaled deeply. When I exhaled, my breath was shaky. Bryden could clearly sense my uneasiness because, even though he was furious with me, he reached for my hand and comfortingly brushed his thumb along my knuckles.
"Um, you already know that I cheated with Zayn. I'm sure you want to know why." All he did was nod. Respecting my wish for him not to speak while I was confessing. "Well, I was, I guess you could say embarrassed about something, and I didn't want to tell you because I've never really been in love with someone before. I thought you would judge me, and now I'm looking like an ass and you are judging me anyway because I cheated."
"I'm not judging." His silence didn't last long, but it was nice knowing I could tell him what I needed to without him criticizing me for my actions. At least not yet.
I took one more deep breath in before saying everything. "I had sex . . . slept with . . ." I didn't know the proper term to use. They all sounded bad. "Cheated on you with Zayn because I was too embarrassed to tell you I was a virgin." Bryden removed his hands from mine, immediately making me feel alone, and raised his eyebrows in disbelief. I continued though. "And I thought that you wouldn't want to be the one to take it from me because you have experience with that, so I had him do it." I'm pretty sure I was red looking like the biggest bitch right now. "And even though we were so careful," I looked down to where my soon to be baby bump would appear and rubbed my stomach, causing Bryden to stir next to me, "I got pregnant." I whispered the last part. My attention was brought back to his. He was simply staring at me in disbelief. "Well, say something." I pried, wanting him to talk to me. He could have at least started yelling as soon as I was done.
He must have been taking it all in because a few moments later that dazed look turned into disappointment. It was the look I expected to get when I broke the news to my parents.
"I'm a virgin, Rose." His words hit me like a ton of bricks.
"What?" I could feel the tears starting to pool in my eyes.
"I'm a virgin!" He stated again with more force behind his words.
I was frozen. Not a sound escaped my mouth. Bryden sat there looking at me, furious.
"Now you say something." He said through gritted teeth.
"I . . . But you said that first night we spent together you didn't want to force me into doing anything with you." I let a tear fall down my cheek, but quickly brushed it away hoping Bryden didn't notice.
"I didn't want to force you!" He yelled. It startled me seeing him this way. "I also didn't know I wanted to have sex with someone until I met you! That's why I said I didn't want to force you! I knew I was ready, but I didn't know if you were! When you said you didn't want to move too fast it made me think of your last relationship and how things probably went! I didn't want to hurt you! Why? Because I have enough fucking respect for the person I love!"
Now the tears were rapidly falling from my eyes. I felt horrible. "I didn't know." I managed to choke out.
"Well maybe you should have asked! I know those things aren't easy to talk about with people, but if you have enough trust in someone, kind of like you do with Zayn because he obviously knew how you were feeling, then telling them your thoughts will help make a situation better!" Bryden's voice was still very loud. I had prepared myself for this reaction, but I didn't think it was actually going to happen.
Once again, I wiped the tears from my face. "I'm sorry, okay. I don't know what else to tell you." I whined, hoping for some kind of forgiveness.
"I don't want you to say sorry. I don't give a fuck if you're sorry. You know, before we had this conversation I was thinking that maybe we could work something out. I didn't like the fact that you had sex with your best friend, but now I really cannot stand to even think about how you trusted someone other than me." I could see his emotions taking over, and it wasn't anger. Bryden was heartbroken by my actions, and I was just now realizing that there was no fixing us. He was also starting to cry, which only made me break down even more. "I never once thought about how you wouldn't want to be my first time. Even though I assumed that you were experienced, I would have found out we were in the exact same position when we were both ready to take that step. Do you know how special that would have been for us? Do you know how much closer we would have been after that?" Bryden ran his fingers through his hair. "And Jesus Rose. You're pregnant. I had to find out that you are pregnant at a barbecue. From the girlfriend of the guy you fucked. He didn't cheat on her. He has enough respect for his girlfriend." All of these things Bryden was saying was only making this worse. "How did she even know before me? Before Zayn even?"
I mustered up enough strength to speak to him. "She came into the bridal shop a few days before we met her. I wasn't myself that day and when she asked me what was wrong I just blurted it out."
"Does she know about you and Zayn?" Bryden had seemed to calm down, but I knew that wouldn't last for long once I told her what Zayn and I discussed.
"No she doesn't, and she isn't going to. At least not until they get really serious. He isn't even sure how long their relationship is going to last." I explained.
"So you guys are just going to leave her in the dark?" His voice was back to the stern and angry tone it had previously been at.
"She is a liability, Bryden. She can't know. Yeah, she seems like a nice girl, but we don't know if she would break up with Zayn if we tell her. We don't know if she is going to run to the press and tell everyone Zayn is having a baby with some girl that he's known his whole life."
"And you don't think I'd do that to you?" His question took me by surprise.
I said the only thing that made sense to me, and it kind of seemed true. "Nobody knows who you are. At least with McKenzie the whole fucking planet knows who she is. They'd believe her if she were to come out and say something. You'd just make yourself look like a fool who is vying for attention."
He seemed a little shocked at my statement. "Well, lucky for you I'm not some asshole that would want to ruin his life. I shouldn't because he had sex with you, but I'm nicer than that. I'm more thoughtful of the people I care about."
"You care about me?" I asked. It seemed like that was what he was implying.
"Of course I do." It was nice knowing there was a glimpse of hope right now.
"I care about you too." I said. I tried to go in for a hug, but Bryden pushed my shoulders back.
"I didn't finish." He stood up from the bed and got in front of me. I didn't know what to do, so I mimicked his actions and stood in front of him. "We can't be together anymore." Those were the words I had been waiting for. "As much as I'd like to move past all this, I can't. Not after what you just told me. I can't trust you, and I honestly don't know if I can handle being around you, or be in a relationship with you, while you are pregnant with Zayn's kid. I just can't."
I looked down at the ground feeling defeated. "I understand. I didn't expect anything else. I uh, hope everything works out for you." I looked back up at him.
"Yeah. Same. Good luck with," He brought his attention briefly down to my stomach, "the baby."
I slowly made my way past him to get out of his apartment. My tears were surprisinly gone, but I was really just putting on a strong face for him. I didn't want him to see me crying hysterically. That would only make him feel worse.
"Bye. I guess." I said as I walked out of his flat.
All Bryden did was nod his head at me, and then shut the door. I stood in the hallway, in a daze, just staring at his door.
Tears were once again flowing from my eyes as I raced out of the building and to my car. I didn't want to be around anyone right now. Not my roommates. Not Zayn. I just needed some time to myself. I had nowhere to go though, so I decided to take a drive to somewhere. Anywhere but here. My heart was broken, and I didn't know how I would recover. Bryden meant so much to me, and now he was gone.
I wanted to give up on everything. One little thing kept me positive though, and it was that little baby growing inside of me.
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A/N: Okay, so hopefully this doesn't suck. I kind of feel like I could have put a bit more emotion into it, and I really half ass edited this because it is late and I'm tired, but I will go back sometime and go through it again.
I do have kind of a serious question, and that is how do you feel about the pace of this. I realized we are on chapter 17 now, and it seems like everything is just picking up. I don't want to make it shorter and just add a whole bunch of stuff into chapters. But I also don't want to drag this out forever. What do you all think?
One more thing. Please go check out my new fan fiction. It's called Gone Country, and it is only the prologue so it will take you like a few minutes to read it. I'm excited about that one, and I really want some more reads on it before I continue with that story. Oh, and that one is going to be a Harry one. So if you like him, then check it out. :)
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XOXO
~Nicole