This birthday, I swear...
So I wake up this morning to find myself in Scott's bed but no Scott.
Easy, Tiger. Let's rewind to last night shall we? Just an eensy amount. He told me I could pick 2 songs to listen to from his CD last night but the rest had to wait. (Cruel and unusual punishment, am I right?!) So we had a little listening party and cuddled and then went to sleep. See? Innocent :)
(my dreams, not so much... but that's irrelevant.)
So back to the present. I want to go back to sleep, but my nose has picked up on the amazing scent of food which is pretty much the only incentive fueling my limbs to move and my feet to hit the floor. I'm just about to zombie walk my way out to the living room but I'm stopped by a big (crudely made, yet effective) sign on the door that says
STOP!!!!
DO NOT EXIT!
GO BACK TO BED!
please ☺︎
I'm still half asleep and the food smells enticing, but while I really want to go see what he's up to, I know it would just be a disaster if I don't listen to instructions. So I just shrug and climb back into his bed... and lay on the pillow that smells like him.. (why not? Opportunity is opportunity )
Imagine waking up in his bed every day, watching while he sleeps, seeing that lazy smile as he first wakes up. *sigh* the dream.
I'm close to drifting off again when the bedroom door suddenly opens and of course it's Scott.
"Rise and shine, old man."
I raise an eyebrow and shift to sit up. "Funny. Just remember you're older than me." I stretch my arms over my head and release a yawn. It takes a second to register that Scott is carrying a tray of food which he places on my lap with a smile.
It's the most domestic thing and I could not be more melty if I tried. At this moment I am Olaf on a beach in Malibu. Hell, even the wicked witch of the west ain't got nothing on the puddle I am right now.
"This looks amazing but you know I will never be able to eat all of this."
"Of course I know... which is why I'm going to help you!" He disappears and then reappears with his own drink and silverware and climbs up to sit next to me facing the tray.
He turns on the tv for some background noise and we stuff our faces and chat a little (while I stare like a fangirl under the pretense of listening. It's an art I've perfected over the years.)
I let myself fantasize a little... I mean, my time's almost up, honey. This greedy bitch is taking everything she can.
So anyway, I just let myself imagine that he's my boyfriend... and this is our bed..and this is how we normally spend Sunday mornings, just being lazy and enjoying one another's company.
I don't let it get too far, but it's nice while it lasts.
After breakfast he tells me to get dressed... and while i'd rather be getting UNdressed with him, I do as requested. He takes longer than me to get ready this time and while I wait for him I skype my parents and talk for awhile.
The conversation is about to head south when mom brings up my career change but that's when Scott appears, and he practically takes over the chat. My parents ADORE him. They think of him like another son (he calls my mom Mama Grassi. Seriously.) Sometimes I think they love him more than me, but it's understandable :) .
My heart sinks a little when my mom tries to get Scott to convince me that I'm making a horrible mistake, and then it plummets when he defends my decision and manages to convince her that it's the right one.
My dad stares at me quietly through the entire thing and I know he can see right through me. He's always been able to. While my mother and her other son are distracted, I direct a small smile and an almost imperceptible nod to my dad just to let him know I'm ok, or at least... I will be. He nods his understanding and I wish he were here to tell me it really would all turn out alright, but I'm an adult (cringe) now. I can and will survive this... on my own. Somehow.
Scott says his goodbyes and disappears for a bit as I say my own goodbyes. There's a little less pep in his step when I come out of my bedroom again, but he's got on a smile and apparently he has a plan... so out the door we go.
It's a day filled with shopping, a goofy trip to the wax museum, a well needed massage and some very tired feet.
None of that matters because we end up at an animal rescue and I'm surrounded by puppies and kittens and cats and dogs and all the things and it's literally heaven. I cannot stress the amazingness.
We spend almost two hours playing with the animals and walking some of the dogs (we won't talk about the fantasy of us walking our own dogs like a cute little couple... HOW CUTE WOULD WE BEEEEEE. Who's writing the fic? Someone please!). We get closed into a room with about 7 or 8 little fluffy puppies and I could die a happy, fluffy death as the furry little wiggle worms swarm with love and kisses. I've determined that I need about 10 dogs. Ugh I love it so much. It was tough leaving them but the cats and kittens were next and why are they so CUTE. I wanted to take them all home. Scott's allergic so he only stayed in for a minute or so but I was a living cat tree for at least 20 minutes. I just couldn't leave them and their sweet little purring faces.
It was so sad when we had to go, and a little heart breaking when they all put on their saddest faces begging for us to take them home, but it was still the most fun I've had in so so long.
As we're walking out my stomach grumbles and thank GOD Scott has reservations somewhere for us for dinner. Mama is STARVING.
---
'SURPRISE!'
I practically jump out of my skin when we walk into one of the dining rooms of the nice restaurant and find it filled with a ton of people. I look around and see our promo group, some of the old crew... some of the members of Sony Music Group ... wow and people I went to school with and... AVA! Oh my God how do I even know this many people.
I'm in a bit (a lot) of shock and when I don't move Scott places a hand on my back as he ushers me further into the room.
I realize my hands are over my mouth when Ava comes running over and squishes me into a tight hug. "How!????"
She rolls her eyes as she pulls away to look at me. "How do you think?" She looks to Scott, who is grinning from ear to ear as he talks with Alex and Kirstie, and then back to me. Of course he did. Of course. NO CRYING IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
Thank GOD I'm swept up into conversation and such before I get too emotional. Scott stays a bit distant, but I catch him watching me with a small smile every now and then. It's a little weird when he sits so far away at the opposite end of the table for dinner and Ava elbows me a couple of times when I stare for too long, but I'm busy with food and people and presents to think on too much.
Everything is sunshine and kittens until Kirstie comes bounding towards me with a large black box. I know I'm going to cry as soon as I open it to see the graphic on the shirt that is on top.
At the beginning of every tour the crew gets shirts and passes and credentials and for the first couple of weeks of tour we always wear them like proud little peacocks.
I can feel regret bubbling up in me as I pull out the tee and hold it up.
What was I thinking? Why would I ever choose to leave this family behind!? What is wrong with me.
Kirstie is already crying when I look up at her. "I don't care where you are... or what tour you're on. You'll always be one of us."
"Always." Esther has tears in her eyes too as she speaks and I don't know even know what to say. My throat aches from holding back tears.
"There's more." Kirstie motions back towards the box and I don't know how much more I can handle. I sift through the little things and find one of the test versions of a tour program in the box and when I open it I see that the crew has all signed it and drawn on the different pictures of Scott. I flip through and it isn't long before I can't hold back my emotions anymore. Scott's written practically a novel in the back but I know I can't read it yet. Not here. I close my eyes to try and hide the tears, but there's no hiding them. Kirstie flings herself at me and knocks the box from my lap as she wraps her arms around me. Before I know it Candice and Esther are also squishing me.
"I'm gonna miss you so much" Kirstie mumbles and I bury my face in her shoulder. I just happen to catch a glimpse of Scott's back as he leaves the room and then Alex following right after. I don't have time to worry about it because more people are joining in the hug/love fest and then more presents are pushed my way.
I guess it's a birthday slash going away party and it's all just so bittersweet. There's so many tears and smiles, so much sadness and laughter... my emotions are confused and muddled, but I've never felt more loved.
Alex is back by the time I finish opening presents, but Scott is still missing until they're bringing out a gorgeous cake and everyone is singing ....(not quite) in unison.
We all talk and reminisce and eat and drink for a couple of hours and then the party's over and I'm whisked away back to the hotel with Scott.
~~
"Let's skip this one." Scott changes it to the next song and I'm ready to strangle him.
"What!? WHY? Noooo."
He's acting a bit odd but I've had just enough alcohol to not question it.
"Because it's a slow song and this is a celebration." He laughs as he plops down next to me.
I pout, because ... that's what I do, but the song that's playing steals my attention again. He's finally letting me listen to the whole CD (minus slow songs apparently) and I'm already in love. I'd heard some of them already, but most have been reworked or are new songs I hadn't had a chance to hear. Ava is going to LOVE it and David just may die. I wish they could hear it now, but Friday isn't so far away...
My heart aches again and when I look at Scott I know he can tell what I'm thinking, because his smile fades again. It's not our last day together, but he's going to be in full blown promo mode starting tomorrow. We won't have time like this again.
Nope. No wasting our precious time together being sad. Good memories.
Must make good memories.
I give him a smile and he answers with his own.
"Let's dance. Well, I'll flail... you dance."
He laughs and we do. Kirstie and Esther stop by for a bit and they join in on the dance party. Alex also shows up to say goodbye before he heads to the airport. He and Scott spend a while talking in his room while me and the girls drink and have a good time. The girls leave not too long after Alex does and we're alone again.
We talk for awhile, act as if we aren't going to be separated... really separated for the first time in four years.
As midnight approaches we head out onto the suite's private patio and look out at the lights of the city and enjoy the cool night air on our alcohol warmed skin.
We ask each other stupid questions and laugh and drink more wine, but time isn't going to stop because I want it to and I know he should be getting to sleep soon.
"I still haven't given you your birthday present."
I look at him like he has two heads... not just because it was randomly inserted into a conversation about stupid one hit wonders, but because... Iceland.
"Yes you did. Remember Iceland?"
He shakes his head with a laugh. "I'll be right back."
While I wait I check my phone to see a text from Ava.
Ava: Scott's insta has the fandom blowing a gasket! :) Please call me tomorrow and tell me about everything!
She was kind enough to include a screenshot of Scott's insta and it's a picture of me covered in cats with the biggest smile on my face that I've ever seen. The caption: "The Happiest of Birthdays to my favorite human <3 <3"
I just shake my head and consider myself so incredibly lucky to have a friend like him. He definitely knows how to make someone feel special.
I start to wonder what's taking so long but find my way to tumblr. SCORE a fan took a pic of us walking two of the dogs! HOW FRIGGIN CUTE!
Saved.
I'm about to dive in deeper but I hear him come back outside and turn to see him standing there holding a little bag. He looks nervous but I'm not sure why. When he doesn't seem to be coming any closer I stand and look at him.
"You ok?"
"Yeah just... thinking." He looks at the bag and I'm almost afraid of what could be inside. Still, when he doesn't move I go over to him and put a hand on his arm.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
He looks at me and smiles, the warm, happy kinda smile that makes me feel all fuzzy inside. I want to hug him but just as I'm about to he holds out the bag and there's not much choice but to take it from him.
"Go ahead." He chews on his bottom lip and I still hesitate, but eventually I reach in to pull out a little box. I already know it's more than I deserve when I see the red of the box and the gold 'Cartier' on the top.
"Scott-"
"Just open it."
I feel like I"m shaking when I open it to find the most beautiful bracelet... the Cartier 'Love' Bracelet to be exact. I've always wanted one, but never wanted to splurge on it.
I stare at it, trying to decide what it means. Could it mean.....
"It's so beautiful. I don't know what to say..." I don't even know what to think!
He doesn't seem to know what to say either. "I know you've wanted one for a long time and ... I saw it and.."
I don't even want to blink... or take a breath... or do anything that might interrupt this, but his hesitation stretches on. I find him staring into my eyes and maybe it's the alcohol, but I feel myself leaning in just a bit.
"You're my best friend." He almost blurts it out and the words are enough to stop whatever stupid move I was about to make. He looks away and I feel the disappointment starting in my toes and rising. It was stupid to hope, but I'll blame the alcohol. "You're my best friend and I love you. I wanted you to have it. I thought... maybe you'd look at it sometimes and ... remember I'm always here for you. Always."
My smile isn't quite to my eyes, but I really do love the gift .. and though he doesn't feel the same, I still love him.
I hug him, thinking of gross things to keep from crying for the billionth time.
When he pulls away he takes the box from me and leads me back to our chairs. "Now let's get this on you."
We laugh through the fumbles and the multiple attempts it takes to get it on and secured, but we finally manage and it's literally the most beautiful thing (that isn't Scott) I've seen.
"Scott"
"Hmm?"
"This has been the best birthday I've ever had."
His smile is magnificent and I take a mental picture to try and remember it. "I'm really glad."
"Thank you.... for all of it... for everything. You've done so much for me and I know I say thank you, but I don't think you realize how much it really means to me."
He's leaning forward, sitting on the edge of his chair facing me. He reaches up to push my fringe out of my eyes, hand sliding down the side of my face. There's a split second that I'm sure he's going to kiss me, that stupid hope again, but then his hand falls away and he leans back just a little.
"You deserve all of it... and more."
The lights of the city drown out most of the stars, but from this height the moonlight shines down on his face and he's so beautiful that I don't even try to stop staring. Damn I'm going to miss looking at him every day, but more than that... I'm just going to miss him.
I haven't even left and I already regret it.
"More wine?"
"No thank you." I check my phone and it's 12:04. My birthday is officially over. Now starts the beginning of the end and I'm so not ready for it. "You have to be up early tomorrow. You should get some sleep."
I expect a childish pout and resistance, but he just nods. He doesn't move though and I stand to take his hand, my beautiful bracelet sitting pretty on my wrist, and I lead him back inside. I start gathering my laptop and pillows that had somehow gotten scattered about the living room, but just as I'm about to go to my room I'm wrapped up in a tight hug. The pillows are dropped and the laptop is tossed to the couch cushion as I wrap my arms around him. I don't want to let go... not ever and I close my eyes to take note of every tiny detail I can.
It's strange, I mean any hug that surpasses 30 seconds is a bit weird, but we definitely hit 30 seconds about 60 seconds ago and still he's holding on to me.
"Happy birthday, Mitchy"
It's whispered and a little broken, and it sounds like he might be crying, but before I can even think about inquiring about it he's released me and I can only see his back as he disappears into his bedroom.
I stare at the closed door for longer than I should have. Tears slide down my cheeks as I whisper out the words I can't seem to figure out how to say.
"I love you."