Sophia...
Am I really doing this?
Am I really?
Like really about to go and have sex with a man I have literally only just met?
Can I really?
Can I?
After having a mini meltdown in the toilet, it would seem that I really am. I am indeed about to go and have a one night stand with someone I don't even know.
I must be crazy!
Maybe all of those Chardonnays have impaired my ability to make a sound decision?
Or just maybe, all of those Chardonnays have actually given me the ability to make the soundest of decisions?
The truth is, it's probably a little of both. I am heartbreakingly crazy and intoxicatingly foolish.
I went to the bar to get blindly drunk, to numb the pain that Paul has caused. I'm not exactly blind drunk, just 'screw you' kind of drunk.
You see, this morning...I had a boyfriend.
This evening...I have no boyfriend but have acquired a one night stand.
How have I ended up in this situation?
How have I ended up in such a complicated situation?
I am usually such an uncomplicated girl. I am someone who likes the simpler things in life. But being uncomplicated and liking the simpler things in life apparently makes me predictable and boring.
Well, I'm not being predictable and boring now, am I?
No, what I'm about to do is positively unboring and totally unpredictable.
So screw you Paul! Screw your petty perceptions of me. I am for once, cavorting with curiosity and running along with temptation. And I'm doing it because I bloody well can. And you want to know something else, my now very ex boyfriend of mine? My one night stand is actually pretty darn hot! In fact, he is really darn hot! On any ordinary day, I know that this guy is waaaaaay out of my league. You can almost smell his wealth and his affluence, but for one night only...he wants me.
I do believe that sometimes we meet people for certain reasons. No matter how big or small an impact those people may have on our lives, they cross our paths for a fateful reason. I think that is what has happened here, Cade is here to caress my bruised heart. He has suavely come into my life at a time when I feel completely unwanted. In his confidently wicked way, Cade is making me feel good about myself. And I like feeling this way. In fact, Cade makes me feel incredibly sexy. God, I have missed feeling sexy. I can't remember the last time that I felt that way about myself. Sure, Paul would sometimes compliment me. But Cade, he looks at me like he wants to salaciously unwrap me and discover the deepest and most passionate parts of myself. Paul has never looked at me in that way. Not ever. So when someone like Cade does, it fills me to the brim with sexiness.
Right or wrong, I want to feel this way.
Right or wrong, it's what I need right now.
Bottom line is, Paul has rejected me, and rejection in any shape or form, feels like shit.
I don't want to feel like shit.
I want to feel sexy and wanted.
Confident and just a little reckless.
I want to feel all of that.
And I do...which is why I am doing this.